"it may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. we are like eggs at present. and you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. we must be hatched or go bad. " -c.s. lewis

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

the write reasons..

i got things ready all yesterday. packed for a little over a week for the trip im currently taking to california with my sister and niece. got things around the house ready to come back to. sat down to write my blog for the day and it really felt forced. i have seen this "forced" "rushed" point before within my writing of myself. looking at the timekeeper ive noticed it seems i wait until the end of the days time to write my blog. so i see, that is something i physically do to produce this experience of "rushed" that i get sometimes when i write. the waiting or impractical allocation of my time. looking at myself i see that i am getting to know self movement. real, self honest self movement. its not something i (or we in general..) am use to looking at honestly. and how to do it "best" is something that i am walking and testing and figuring out as i discern the manipulation and lies within how i am use to moving myself.

i first started to write about hair. my hair/black hair/hair in general. which i found i had more to say and dig into then time i alloted myself to write my blog for the day. though i already see the point of impractical time allocation.. so the writing began to reflect my ideas of "tons to write but i dont have time". and by that point,i didnt have time. i had time. earlier. which i used to do things other than write my blog. and ended up trying to squeeze in some self expression when its simply supposed to be flowing out as self expression.

then, when i saw that writing about hair would require more time then i had before i had to go to work and the day would be done, i tried to change it up. the initial point to address was hair. but i tried to change that to talking about the stuff we rub on our lemons and fruit to make them more visually appealing. the fruit rub was something that i was interested in seeing the purpose of within our world but it was not what i wanted to moving myself to write about. this "settling" i tried to do within my self expression felt like shit trying to come out through my writing lol. it sounded, well dumb. not real. fake. forced.

so, shitty starting point (rushing, force, focus on some idea of what it means to write or what writing should entail instead of the movement of myself within writing, moving myself for others instead of for the betterment of self as ALL as life.. ) = shitty results (the self creation of feelings of inability and confusion and stagnation within my movement..)

questions to consider before moving myself to write-- why are u writing?... any expectations/hopes of something to produce through ur writing?... any fears within ur self movement?... are u writing to move urself to realization through digging or are u writing to be read?...


fear of writing a "shitty" blog..

desire to please whomever may be reading my blog..

fear of "naked writing"..

fear of "looking stupid" with my words..


^self forgiveness to come..

Monday, June 4, 2012

hi. my name is manipulation.

i shared this^ image today on my facebook. ive shared it before. but its still true. so i shared it again. been thinking of it in relation to the reasons why we do the things we do. big things. little things. considering the starting points behind why we move ourselves the way we move ourselves. why i move myself the way i move myself. and ive realized that we ARE, in fact, a sad lot indeed.

we REALLY fucking do collectively move ourselves in this matter. in general but especially within religion. and i know many who have crafted who they are based on our ancestry ideas of gods that have turned into the idea of this one god or that one god will have a hard time looking at this point within themselves. but all religions push the point of do what i say (or my book says..) and u will be in my favor. i will love u. good things will happen to u. u will live forever after u die. and if u do not do what i say (or go against my book..) u will not be in my favor. i will be upset with u. bad things will happen to u. u will suffer for eternity when i get my hands on u. even if it is not a "god" there is always a attracting this to u and a deflecting this from u if u do this or that. this is at the core of religion. doesnt matter if we'd rather focus on the idea of love we manifest within us for this idea of a god that is "all loving" "underneath it all" and "in control" of what is unfolding here. doesnt matter if we'd rather create ideas of miracles all the while looking past the degradation of life going on here as a whole. what is still is. and this is of religion. all the while we are worried about this and that within religion we are missing the possibility of simplicity and joy within collective common sense movement here.

i was flipping through television today and found nothing i wanted to watch so i turned the tv off. but as i was turning it off i saw that 'my name is earl' was coming on. i turned the tv back on and watched the beginning. the "intro" to each episode is of earl telling the story of how he started doing what he was doing. he says he we use to being a "bad" guy. he would steal, cheat, fuck people over. he didnt give a shit. he just went through life doing what he had to do to do what he wanted to do. then one day he gets a scratch off and wins a ton of money but then is immediately hit by a car as he wanders into the street in excitement. so he losses the money. because hes half dead. then he decides that this is karma (god) kicking his as (punishing) him for all the "bad" he has done in his life. so he makes a list of all the "bad" things he has ever done and sets out to "make up" for each one to clear his karma (so that "good" can happen to him. because thats how "good" always happens). this really is a sneaky little religious show wrapped in a funny lil package im seeing haha. and then the mantra "do good things, good things happen. do bad things, bad things happen", which is repeated in the show. this is something that is pounded into our heads in various ways around the world. there are many that want us to believe this lie. that this is how the world we all live in is. it is not. many who do "bad" things are reaping tons of "good" rewards. its the reason they move they way they do within those "bad" things they do. and then we like to take that to the idea that ultimately it is god who looks at what a person is doing or has done in the world really. < REALLY, there is no self responsibility within resting in that. no acknowledgement and accountability for our movement here. we are given a back door for much bullshit and ways to stay in the same cycle within our idea of religion.

that which we all require, as life, is the same. dignity. within that common sense is required. food, clean water, shelter. for all. a world that values life. < period. where we assist ourselves in dropping all the self limitations and fears we have built us as "who we are" for so long with the implementation of self honesty within all movement in our collective system.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

a chat -- recognition

so i was having a chat with my friend. he was talking about how he wanted his life to be different. he stated that he wanted to be recognized publicly for something "good". in the past he had worked on projects that he considers "good" or considers a contribution to society. in the medical field on a project that distributed organs to people who needed it, on fortune 1,2,3 hundred company projects managing large groups of people. various actions he considers "worthy" of attention from the public. and within those projects he received no recognition. and if he did received recognition it wasnt "big" enough for him to consider it public enough. or "good" enough.

currently what he is doing is expanding a business he considers a nothing contribution to the world. he feels its just something that he has ended up doing and since he cannot turn it into something he is "proud" of, he strives to turn it into something widely lucrative. so if he cannot be doing something "good" to which he would receive recognition, of which he "requires" to "feel good" about what he is doing, he has settled for doing something that will make him more money.

its interesting because there was a lot we talked about within this point of him needing recognition. going back to the attention that was received, or in his case not received from his parents. which was pointed out as something that this point of needing public recognition stems from. i talked about how the point of movement should not be dictated or judged by how many people saw or talked about or recognized u doing it. that 'that which needs to be done', needs to be done. and being recognized is not a necessity of life. its a necessity of the mind. its something that makes us feel "good" but we dont consider that the simple act of doing 'that which needs to be done' should be enough in and of itself. the value in the simple movement that is best for all life is missed in favor of stroking the ego through the mental "need" to be recognized. i mentioned that a lot is shown about a person within how they treat someone who can do absolutely nothing in return for them and within doing something "good" that no one will ever know about unless u go spouting about how much recognition u should get for this and that. not seeing the compromise of self within a "good deed".

when i pointed out some of those^ things it was "hard" for him to hear. he said why am i always picking and taking out the negative within everything. to which i responded that i was not doing that at all. what i was doing is not being afraid to address much of what we brush over in the way of 'what is', not being afraid to consider much that is being overlooked in terms of ALL of what an action or statement means and entails. not resting in "negative" or "positive" but seeing shit for what it really was. and i mentioned that we cannot do that with shame because this is ALL 'us shit' here. all of it. if we are not willing to look at it all (every minute detail of us), how can we do anything different..

i talked to him about self forgiveness. to release the ideas he has accepted and allowed and currently used to manifest the situations in his life. we talked about him essentially walking the path of his parents within the way he accepts and allows the things that were adopted from or introduced to him through the actions and beliefs of his parents. we agreed that this was at the core of many of the things he considered 'issues' within himself.

cool chat..

Saturday, June 2, 2012

ideas, objects and LIFE -- self forgiveness

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value objects over life.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see our collective disregard of life.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that without the value, that is life, there is nothing else.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the word and meaning of value only exist from the lips of life.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dismiss the obvious needs of life and fix myself in an oblivious state.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value an idea in my head.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to move from the only value, that is life.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the value that i give an idea, in my head, is not real.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that, that which is real is here for all to see. it is not confined to my head like the value i give to ideas.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get swept away in the part and miss the whole.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the flag is a piece of fabric made from materials grown from the earth. that is it.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach a sense of entitlement and superiority to the flag. within this i disrespect life that is not held to any sense of entitlement, when we are ALL here.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how the idea of 'the flag' is used as a method of separation.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach myself mentally to a certain piece of fabric with certain colors or shapes on it.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold the flag as superior to life.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the respect that i give to the idea of importance in a piece of fabric is misplaced.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to self honestly define important.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to have a real self honest look at what it is i place value in.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to self honestly define necessity.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to work on self honesty in all moments.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that because i was born on a certain part of the planet that i am worthy of a dignified life.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that because some are born on certain parts of the planet that they are less worthy of the same dignified life i would want for myself.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think there is no way that all people can have the same dignified life that i would want for myself.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that we are separated by pieces of fabric here on this planet.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach myself mentally to a certain piece of land as my "home land". within this i disregard the fact that all land is connected as home on this one planet.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create mental barriers between myself and other beings.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself back.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my self expression.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to watch a moment pass by.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself think in my head instead of express within the physical with my mouth. thinking is not self expressive. its self deceptive. as i think in my head i am not here in the present fully aware and a full participant.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that it isnt a thought that produces but physical movement within participation here. in the physical. u cannot think oneness and equality into existence. it must be lived and expressed and not held back.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the importance of developing self trust to be able to move through any and all given moments with clarity.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that even if i may fall, i still must walk.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to express myself.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear expressing myself.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger. towards the disregard of life, but it was anger. from within anger as a starting point comes nothing good. period. self movement to stand up to the disregard of life must be from a place of self trust, stability and clarity. anger brings none of those things.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear friction. fear creating friction within a disagreement. fear of being unwilling to move self within the unwillingness of another to see what i am trying to express.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from another. like i have not displaying the same disregard towards life.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing an hesitant nature within myself when it comes to "what needs to be done".

i commit myself to not hold back my self expression.

i commit myself to move myself within all moments.

i commit myself to breathe when i sense myself existing as back chat and bring myself back to real. to here in the physical.

i commit myself to develop patience within my movement. stability within expression comes with patience.

i commit myself to not fear the destruction of an idea. as an idea, is not real.

i commit myself to stand up for life.

Friday, June 1, 2012

ideas, objects and LIFE

i had an interesting experience of realization and perspective in relation to our disregard of life in favor of displaying regard for objects or ideas as superior.

**and i want to say that we cannot be afraid to "call a spade a spade." meaning to see what is and say what is without fear of acknowledgment or accountability. we are so afraid to see what we have done. what we do. such shame involved that we cannot even speak about what we are clearly doing here. shame gets us nowhere but within a pit of self pity. "self pity, people, should never be supported. ever." - bp **

i was hanging out with a friend of mine. i was on my computer doing something really quick so he was reading articles on his phone. he turns to me and says...

"can u believe there is this housing community and they wont let this guy fly the american flag?!!"

there was so much disgust and sadness and disbelief in his eyes and tone. for the flag. the idea of the flag. the genuine care that he believed he was displaying for the value of a piece of cloth, scared me a bit. it scared me because this is the type of care that is not displayed towards life. at all. the pain in his mind that he was creating due to the idea he holds about the american flag and that idea being destroyed by people not wanting to support the idea he holds seemed so useless as it dripped off his words of sadness for the idea of the flag. we put such energy towards the uplifting of so many ideas and objects...this idea, object -the respect of the bible, the flag, the koran, the "holy land", the church, the priest, the idea of god- but not towards the betterment of life in general. not towards the respect of life in general. we will initiate a discussion about supporting ideas about pieces of fabric but when switching our support from ideas to life is considered discussing its seen as too much to tackle...

this also lead to an interesting experience of realization and perspective in relation to my learning to move myself in all moments with clarity. move myself in all ways, always. because in the moment that he asked me this question i was already thinking "what the fuck?" "is he seriously showing favor to the idea of value in a flag with the gusto that is required to realize the only thing of value here as LIFE?!" "fuck! that statement really shows the mental attachment we have to our corners of the earth." "how the hell can we be so insulted that people wont let a man fly a piece of cloth but we DONT GIVE A SHIT that all people are not allowed to eat here?"...all this self back chat just lead to me shaking my head in disgust and disbelief of the disregard. not seeing that in this i took the disregard i was spotting in another and made it my own within disregarding the opportunity to move myself to speak and express myself in the physical..within disregarding the assistance that is needed within this other being to see what is being missed (not to say that i would have been able to assist him in seeing anything, but the need for assistance was disregarded for whatever reason)...within the disregard of this being as equal to myself as i had/have accepted and allowed myself to be whether in the past or currently where i desired to show regard to my ideas over what is here as life. instead i rested in the mind. which is not real. which is why my friend has no clue of the reality of me in the moment of him asking me what he asked me. he only knows he got a scoff, a head shake, a look of annoyance and was disregarded by a person...

self forgiveness to come on this...

Thursday, May 31, 2012

my period...the mental aspects

i cannot remember not knowing what a period was. i can remember not knowing what many things were. i can also remember the first time i learned about many things. what a period was, is not one of them. seems as though i just came in knowing what a period was and creating a lot of ideas around the idea that was presented to me as 'the period'.

a period, in my home, was not a shy subject.i know in many homes it is seen as gross or weird to discuss. in our society if we mention that we are on 'the period' or speak about 'the period' people freak out. its seen as being too open with things. 'the period' is seen as something NOT to talk about...

in my home growing up, it was a big deal. it was seen as a girls movement into womanhood. i guess that is solely based on the fact that a female can birth children when she has had a period. however i have come to learn that a female can birth a child before having a period. as the whole of the "period process" is already under way by the time the part comes for the female to start to bleed the blood out. so when, really, is this "move" into womanhood? is there really a move at all? arent women, women PERIOD? why plant the seed of separation from 'being a woman' (or less than a woman) to a small girl who couldnt NOT be a woman if she tried?...

but yes, a big deal. and once a female in my family got her period a couple of things happened. there was the special attention and catering to the need of the woman on 'the period'. it seemed like every woman wanted 'something' when she was on 'the period'. chocolate, peppermint tea, a favorite magazine, painkillers, certain dinner or drink...some kind of comfort something. this created the idea that 'the period' should have objects attached to it, fucking wow (so interesting when u walk urself out of an idea uve accepted without reason to find 'the reason' u urself created and allowed urself to accept)... so yes, my objects that i ended up with were a cup, a heating pad, and a specific brand of chocolate ice cream (< which i found, even before i learn about self awareness, that my attachment to it was not real but never considered why it was not real. it was not real because it was attached to an idea i had created around the experience of 'the period'. and i created this idea around the experience of 'the period' due to my mother who would feed special attention to objects during 'the period' and helped me choose mine as chocolate ice cream). ice cream is not something that we require to get us through anything. we dont require any object to allow us to move through life. we decided our movement through life. even if someone else will present us with an idea that we run with, it is still us that decides to accept, allow and run. all that is required is the movement of self to not accept ideas but to move as life. i dont desire to eat chocolate ice cream when i come on my period anymore.

another thing that happened, i found, was an acceptance of anger. the new idea that anger was a uncontrollable byproduct of 'the period' (or something. the idea that anger was because of something NOT myself). when someone was on 'the period' and had an attitude, the attitude was not dismissed, but it was understood. or given a reason. "shes on her period..." "she just came on...". so this was the first time i was presented with the idea of a "justified anger" or a "anger with a purpose/reason" or a "acceptable anger (week)". basically a collective reason why its OK for women to be angry at a certain time of the month or OK to expect a woman to be angry at a certain time of the month or OK to assume that a woman is probably on her period as to why she is angry. and this point was reinforced as i stepped out into the world to view how other people (men and women) considered 'the period'. damn, wow ->i am now seeing there is a connection to the way i had been experiencing myself within my period for years in relation to this point of the origins of my ideas on accepted anger. for years the way i would know my period was coming is i would get so pissed off or upset. i mean off the hip, "im so fucking pissed!..i hate everything anyone says or does!..i dont care! die!" type anger. while directly inside the 'pissed off and upset' i never did see it. it was after the heightened uncontrollable emotional state had dissipated that i was able to assist what i had just participated in. i created anger as an usher to my period.. very fucking interesting shit here. i stopped manifesting the experience of anger prior to my period just because of my movement to deal with my self awareness and my anger. but i did not see that this anger point had connections to my period as well.

the biggest deal that was made around 'the period' was the 'right of passage' now, my mother died over 11 years ago and i am not who i was when she was alive. i mean i am, of course, still me but who i direct myself to be is not who i was accepting and allowing myself to be when she was alive. so i had never asked her about the origins of this idea of the 'right of passage'. but what i assumed is that it was tied to my familys religion. which was a mix of rastafarian/hebrew/whatever we think is cool. the 'right of passage' was basically a big gathering where the whole family (sistren and brothern and their youths)comes together in celebration of the "right of passage" into womanhood. we drum drums, bang tambourines, dance african dance, talk, eat, and give gifts to the female whos 'right of passage' it is. i remember my older sisters. it was a big deal. i remember the weeks of getting things ready. it was a surprise to my older sister as they kept all the preparation away from her and my cousin. who had also started her period.. i remember my older sisters gift from my mother. we all use to have dreads growing up. all long locks down our necks and backs. my older sister, whos 'right of passage' this was, wanted to cut her dreads. she was receiving pressure from school kids and a disapproving CULTure of limited people. so my mother decided to cut all our dreads as we all did african dance shows around together. and she dressed us alike often. so all the dreads went. i was the only one upset (< i guess thats another point that can be addressed. it wasnt a huge deal to me but i did feel slighted as i did not want to "give up" my locks. but i digress..) but back to the reason for the digression, the gift. my mother saved my older sisters dread locks and made a doll of my older sister and had her dread locks sewn in as the dolls hair. she gave it to her at her 'right of passage' and she loved it. i thought it was such a cool and thoughtful gift. there was much jealousy within me i am seeing. i created feelings of inferiority within me...

then came my period. i had two older sisters and many older cousins who i watched get their period and go through the whole "period deal". but the 'right of passage' idea kinda stopped with me. and its something i didnt really understand. my parents were kind of tapering off on some of the things we were use to doing. we starting eating chicken and turkey.. but i remember thinking that i was going to get a 'right of passage' or some kind of celebration when i got my period as my older sisters had. but i did not. no cake. no family. no dancing. no music. no gifts. no oopla at all. all i took away from my first period was a mental addiction to hageen-dazs chocolate ice cream and a misinterpretation of the feeling of anger. i didnt make a big deal out of not getting a 'right of passage' but im seeing ive accepted and allowed some things to sit and fester in me as unaddressed in relation to the mental aspects of my period experience. as what i expect a period experience to be. one of feeling special, feeling great feelings, taken care of, fawned over, excused from things...

self forgiveness to come on this. cool..

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

my period..

so the past two months, or two periods, have kicked my ass..

growing up i would have terrible periods. i wouldnt be able to stand vertical some days without extreme pain. which would leave to me having to lay down all day. when in school i remember times when i spent entire days in my classes laying down because it helped the pain a bit. i wouldnt be able to swallow my spit. it would feel as though if i did swallow it, i would throw up. so i would spit it out all day. i would throw up. even if i did not swallow my spit. fucking terrible experience i was having for many many years. and this is when i was popping pills still. so i would take pamprin or aleve or whatever the fuck anyone would give me. because nothing actually helped the pain or experience in the way of any medicine i would take. so id end up knocking myself out through sleeping pills as i curled up with a heating pad for the day to escape the pain and the experience i was having. and it was always ONLY the first 24hrs. never any cramps or debilitating experience throughout the rest of the days of my period. which i always thought was so very weird..

throughout the years i have changed this experience for myself. i have been changing myself a ton. the way i look at and consider things, the way i look at feelings and thoughts and their origin, the way i look at pain and its origin, the way i move myself...and in this my period experience changed. i have not taken a pill for anything in over two years. i cant recall the last time i had a head ache i couldnt explain or any random pains. my focus was on the pain and walking through the experience of that. with everything. all pains. so that helped to change the period pain experience.

yesterday i starting my blog 'fighting season'. i knew that my period was coming because, well i can always feel when its coming. my entire experienced changed within my period through starting the process of consideration of all aspects of life ("mine" and all life), but i still felt when it was here on the first day. even if i was now able to move myself through the experience. even if there was next to no real pain pain. usually when i "feel it" means that either it is here or will be here very very soon. but i did not move myself to prepare for pain and debilitation. even though last month kicked my ass.. so i went to run errands with my niece. there were times in the beginning stages when i stopped the pain experience and what assisted was getting out of my idea of the period experience. the cup for spit, the heating pad, the laying down, the 'woe is tree' aspect of it all. so i would get up and just move and that would change the experience manifestation. so i, after knowing how last period was, decided to do that. i got up and got us ready and went to run my errands. went to fedex to drop off work recaps and to target to get a couple of things that i needed. we walked around the store, laughed, collected all we needed to (tampons, distilled water, a bathing suit, small container for baking soda, cotton balls, cereal, socks, undies..). throughout the entire store trip though, i felt the period experience gradually growing. i didnt rest in it though. i kept moving. by the time i got back to the house it had grew some more. but i kept moving.

a friend asked me to dinner and though i did feel crappy at this point i still wanted to keep moving. as that seemed to help with staying out of the pain experience in the past. so i did. i showered, by this time my period was full on, and got ready for dinner. went to get into the car and i just wanting to crawl on all fours back into the house. we decided to skip dinner and just go relax instead. came upstairs and the period experience was back. i threw up. did not want to swallow my spit. needed to lay down. heating pad nixed because its fucking hot here right now.. but yeah. i was done for- for the rest of the day.

i have to look at why i am still experiencing this, this way..

i want to do some research on periods today. on cramps. on this pain that we experience and what we collectively say about this. i have never really looked into periods and others experience of them. my mothers, sisters < first experiences that i have had with 'a period'. i know real pain. physical pain. minus the mental bullshit of what we think about pain. i get that part. but i want to do this to get a grasp on the "what we think" aspect of periods, the "what ive accepted" when it comes to my idea of "what a period is" or is "supposed to be". to really specify the self forgivness that im about to give to this shit. because before when i "stopped this pain experience" for all this time (minus the past two periods..)i did so by physically walking myself out of the mental part i had accepted about pain. but that does not delete or address the mental part i have accepted about periods. just ignores it. replaces it with physical movement. but thats not enough. so now to look the whole before i can truely address this part.

and i have to keep with me that when i do address the mental part of this period experience to not expect something different (or the same for that matter )from pain. pain is real and its here and its a part of the voice of the human physical body. me experiencing physical pain is one thing. me manifesting a debilitating experience surrounded by the fact that pain is involved, is something else. cool..

fighting season

fighting season

this is a term i am hearing around more and more on the radio and in news and the first time i heard it i was like, wtf do they mean "fighting season"?..

apparently the season of spring is also the season of fighting in afghanistan. as the winter snow melts and our accepted idea of comfort within weather is stroked by warm sun and cool wind-- the appetite for fighting grows. in afghanistan 'fighting season' is as common as the summer season here in the united states. where all know its summer and our activities change to more summer-y things. the afghan people know its fighting season and their activities change to more fighting season-y things.

being surrounded by war constant does something to people. it allows for war to be within and as who people are. people will display quick anger and fighting and fear when exposed to this type of environment as "what is". its the same thing that happens when one is surrounded by anything constantly. it makes that thing "normal". it gets people "use to" it. fighting animals was banned and seen as un-islamic by the taliban when they were in rule from 1996-2001. but as mindsets and movement gradually changed to that of constant poverty, starvation, stress, fighting, war and accepted superiority/inferiority, so did movement. so the afghan people began to accept these things as "what is". and then adults who were children when this "what is" was made "what is" know nothing but war. and their "who i am" grows from that starting point..

animal fighting is alive and well currently in afghanistan. such excitement is generated from these animal fights. and the animals who win are seen as heroes as the dead "loser" animals is seen as lame and inferior. so then ones movement changes to incorporate that which one is being presented with constantly. < that which was made "what is". and then there is still the separation we do to ourselves because there are many who oppose animal fighting, but those will get together to fight -not fly- their kites as a family. there is no fun in the flying, they say. the fun is experienced in the fighting...

what we surround ourselves with we allow to shape who we are. what are we surrounding ourselves with?

Monday, May 28, 2012

missed a day..

so, i missed a day. sunday. i started my blog 'life for rIFELes' on sunday but did not finish it until today.

this point of "starting my 21 days over" really isnt a big deal. and i mean that to say i have looked at my timekeeper and i see that there was time. i had a little time early in the day that i could have started my blog. i had an hour after work in which i could have moved myself to write my blog that i used to be on facebook reading blogs instead. but point stands that i was aware that i was going somewhere after work and there was the possibility that i would be gone the remainder of the day. and i did not move myself to, well move myself. so i know and see the reason why and where i "missed" a day in the movement i am committing myself to. but i see the movement of myself toward writing as breathing. so i move to keep it moving :)..

life for rIFLEs

i listen to npr often. i enjoy it. they talk about real shit.

ive been hearing lately about this story of a man that was contacted by a prosecutor from his hometown of guatemala with information that he was one of two survivors of a massacre in dos erres that went down many years ago during a civil war within guatemala. now, this made him, oscar, take a step back. as he considered himself having had a great life. his father had died in an accident when he was just 4 years old and he had never met his mother. he was raised by his grandmother and other relatives and he was raised to love and respect and honor his father. the soldier. however, oscar was not the son of a soldier. oscar was actual a kidnapping victim.

the man who oscar loved and revered as 'his father' was actually a "random" lieutenant in the government military. witihin guatemala there was civil war between the government and the guerrillas know as the fuerzas armadas rebeldes (FAR) or rebel armed forces. the dictator in guatemala, efrain rios montt, wanted the guerrillas found and killed. all of them. he had his men go to the small villages that were suspected of hiding the FAR.

after the guerrillas killed a group of government soliders and secured rifles (20 rifles i find our later with research), this was taken as a personal attack to the ego of the dictator. he set out to teach the guerrillas "a lesson" by way of the villagers he was sure were hiding them. he sent a team of skilled killers (these men were in charge of torturing and questioning prisoners and ultimately killing them, hands on killing). they were called the kaibiles, which means ':having the strength and astuteness of two tigers'. their motto is "if i advance, follow me; if i stop, urge me on; if i retreat, kill me."

the kaibiles set on the village in dos erres as they were informed by intelligence that the rifles that were taken were there. they went in dressed to the t as the FAR did. as to set up the blame, for whatever went down, to go towards the guerrillas. they stormed the village at about 2am... they kicked in the doors of all of the families and got them out of their homes. they searched for the rifles but found none. they then split the people up. women and children in the church. men in the school.

a young girl, about 12 years old, was grabbed up and taken a few steps away to a field and raped by lieutenant cesar adan rosales batres who was a very high ranking officer. in front of her family. and as the kaibiles motto states, "if i advance, follow me.." and so they did. the "lower ranking" men were given the go to do the same to any they saw. there were many rapes. all the women and girls were raped and then forced to cook meals and feed their abusers.

the first to die was a child. a baby. a soldier took the baby and threw the baby in a large well that was about 40 feet deep. the soldier did not want to do this. but as the kaibiles motton states, "if i stop, urge me on..." and so they did. the soldiers continued to throw children in to the well.

they began to bring people to the well a bit at a time. they would question them about the rifles and the location of the. the villages protested they knew nothing and cursed the men. they were hit on the head with a hammer and thrown into the well. many still alive. the soldier who was giving this account on npr was asked how many people does he think he brought to the well/to their death. he estimated around 15 people. they asked him, why? why did u continue to bring people to their doom knowing this was not the thing that should be being done. and he said if he had tried to protest, they would have killed them. as the kaibiles motto states, "if i retreat, kill me.." and they would have gladly.

after much time and many murders there were not many villagers left. the soldiers rounded up the women and children that were left. one pregnant, one with her child, two young boys.. the women, at this point, were beside themselves. having witness and been through what they had (rapes, beatings, watching family raped and killed). they scream to the soldiers that they are not animals and they know they are going to be killed and do not want to be taken into the woods to do so. they wanted it to be done right then and there. when the men started to get angry with the women and grab on them, the two boys ran in to the woods. the one crouched behind a tree trunk and sat quiet as they sent shots his way. they then rounded up the women and shot them all. they went to each of them and shot them to make sure they were dead. something they did not do for many within the path of this massacre which continued. they never did find any rifles...

by morning the children wandered back into the village. they were rounded up by the commanders. two young boys (and with research later it seems three young girls as well. they were raped and strangled.). both boys were of mixed race, lighter skin and eyes. one commander, the baker, decided to take the older boy. and the younger boy was taken by oscar's "father". oscar ovidio ramirez ramos. who he, subsequently, renamed oscar at three years old and brought him home to his family and introduced him as his son.

really interesting the way we follow.

follow thoughts..

follow feelings..

follow ideas..

follow others..

follow orders..

follow hearts..

follow directions..

follow fears..

^none of this shit is self. we dont consider that THAT is where the issue lies. that we are not ourselves currently. we have accepted and allowed this illusion of self, of life. all this shit we follow is NOT who we really are. all those soldiers that followed those orders to kill (and even those who enjoyed it) were not moving as themselves. they were moving as orders or fears or generational taught acceptance. many seeds are planted within children that manifest men like the kaibiles.

really interesting interview..

Saturday, May 26, 2012


TRIS PHOSPHATE proven to cause cancer and sterility in animals

POLYBROMINATED DIPHENYL ETHERS proven to damage the reproductive and nervous systems as well as disrupt thyroid function

TETRAKIS-HYDROMETHYL PHOSPHONIUM CHOLORIDA proven to promote the growth of cancerous tumors, damage the liver and skin,and also has been linked to genetic abnormalities..

ORGANOPHOSPHATE INSECTICIDES a neurotoxin proven to cause long term brain damage when presented during a critical stage in develeopment..

LEAD proven to cause head aches, stomach pains and linked to the improper production of red blood cells which limits the bodies ability carry oxygen to organs and other cells..

POLYCHLORINATED BIPHENYLS proven to contain cancer causing chemicals and affect the immune, endocrine and reproductive systems in animal test. we are unsure of how this translates to the human being..

PESTICIDES proven to weaken immune system, a slow poison and also proven to be the death of lots of life --insects, fungus and other small animals-- that was just trying to get a bite of the food supply.

what do all these ^ things have in common??

we have or continue to put these chemicals, and more, in our clothes, in our food, in our drinks in our childrens toys, in our jewelry, in our mattresses, in our computers , in our pots and pans, in our toothpaste , in our dental floss , in our make up , in our phones , in --basically in our bodies.

some of these things are no longer put into our stuff. it isnt because we did not know and now we do so we are changing what we do. no. its because what we were deliberately overlooking/not addressing is now being addressed by someone. and what is, well is. and is not determinate on ones beliefs or delusions of grandeur. so we must present the illusion of care and the "do something". but its interesting because we are not willing to just do. we want to do some thing. to do would mean a complete clean sweep of ALL of our stuff. not just stop the fuckery with some of our stuff. its ALL OUR STUFF. if we allow it with some stuff, we allow it with stuff period. many other countries are making a point to rid chemicals from the production of their goods. the united states, not so much..

every year fire kills tons of people. thousands of people. but the statement that "fire kills tons of people" is true but missing context. its not that fire is just jumping around and killing people. its not that children sleeping are "just" catching on fire. most fires are started by us. whether its someone carelessly falling asleep with a lit cig, not watching what they are cooking, too many plugs in a socket, shitty or neglected wiring (yes,that is still an 'us thing'), shitty or neglected building construction, matches not properly put away, children not properly taught safety....many reason. all our own. with the obvious consideration of wild fires. though our human hand has aided in the adjustment of our natural environment which has led to the circumstance of wild fires as well. we are always at the helm of all that manifest here in existence.

with fire, we think of it as something we need to protect ourselves from. i mean, we have a fire department. no flood (water) department. no tornado (wind) department. no quake (earth) department. but fire is a must. because, with our careless actions and long generational solidified fear of fire, we create the need. so the justification is made, with fire retardants, that it is something we need to protect our children from fire. HA, when in actuality its us (who we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become) that we need protection from lest we continue on this path of ignorance.

people say that the incidents of fires have decrease since we decided to start putting fire retardant chemicals into the fabric that we put onto our skin. when in actuality, its NOT THE FIRE RETARDANTS that is the reason for their being less fires. its the attention that is paid towards fires in general. people are paying a bit (very small but needs to be acknowledged) more attention. whether that is fear based or awareness driven,i cannot say for certain. but for THAT reason, incidents of fires have decreased. its always the action of us that is moving here.

there is a book i have heard about called 'non toxic avenger' by deanna duke.

this woman goes into detail of all the chemicals that we knowingly place into our bodies in various ways and the ways in which these things have affected her and her family. as well as documents her walk out of the cycle of living she and her family are use to. she makes a point to stop her family from consuming, wearing and using many things that are actually terrible for the human physical body and its life long development. she tested and rid her home of many childrens toys, jewelry, food items, drinks.. many cool things within the book. the main thing that stuck out to me was how difficult it was for her family to change their cycle. her husband and children, even in their desire to support their mother, had a hard time giving things up and adjusting to "new living". and this "new living" did not cut absolutely all harmful products out. just most of them. so there is still some back door-ish acceptance in there but this is not to judge but to realize that shit doesnt "just" happen. we must walk them into manifestation. whatever they may be. it is understandable that the family would find change difficult. especially to do together. but also shows that with action and determinant movement, we can change anything we want to change. we could make the decision not to put harmful chemicals into our stuff, into our bodies. all it takes is the simple, beautiful decision to act in a way that is best for all life. ..


for some, "good eating" is not a possibility. hell, eating is not a possibility for many. so the solution is not to purchase organic food or grow ur own garden or purchase this or that. until the only value here - LIFE- is realized, we will continue to value the lie..

Friday, May 25, 2012

careful consideration

species extinction

this point is used very frequently when talking of reasons why we should "get our shit together" as far as our interaction with the environment that gives us breath. we talk of how the natural habitats of many animals are being destroyed due to an inconsiderate human hand. we talk of the thousands of species that needlessly continue to die (go extinct) every year. we talk of saving the animals (with the starting point of 'to save ourselves'. not oneness and equality and mutual respect. but i digress..). we talk of how we are killing many animals here.

i consider this point in relation to ALL life when it comes to extinction and needless death

where this same point that some are fighting for with animals is the same plight that currently faces ALL life (human/animal/insect/plant) here. where we dont give a shit about the habitat of ALL life. where ALL life is being hunted and used up and made to exist no more. where ALL life is dependent on the whims of the reckless human. where ALL life is going extinct due to our inconsiderate actions. we dont broaden this point of extinction to see what it means for all life and what is needed from all movement.

this "rally" that we do for animals that are going extinct is really just apart of this delusional, self destructive cycle we have ourselves in. where in some of us will hunt animals to near extinction, some of us will conduct practices that destroy the one earth we have and some of us will then turn around and display desire to "save" what our actions continue to destroy. much of what we do is just "something to do" so to speak. while we think we are actually doing something different we really just continue to manifest the same shit. we just keep this cycle going.


if someone told u that ur actions were the deciding factor between doing what is best within consideration of all or continuing the current self interested state of movement in the world...how carefully would u consider urs?

we are worried of extinction when there is so much of ourselves that we have yet to discover. much like the ocean and our exploration of it. if the ocean, as ourselves, was a tall glass of water, we would have only taken a sip..

Thursday, May 24, 2012

stifling, discouragement and selective assistance

i really enjoy dance :)

self expression in general and in many different forms, but dance in particular. there are so many different ways to explore space and move the human physical form. so its really cool to watch parts of the whole of expression, express themselves :).

there is a show that i have been watching for years called 'so you think you can dance'.

its about dancers that come from all around the world to compete on this show to win a dance contract and of course, some money. throughout the show they dig into many of the peoples lives a bit and give context to the starting point of much of the expression that is being expressed as dance. which is cool.

now there are people who come to audition who many would say "cant dance". dance is really just movement when broken down. and movement is expression and expression is pretty fucking beautiful :)

when people "cannot dance" on this show they are not broken down. i have seen when someone is deliberately acting a fool to get attention from a tv show and they are called out on it. but the people are not made a fool if they are not a technical dancer. there was a dancer who came to audition who commented that he was upset with the way the show acted. he did not like that they enjoyed themselves with people who "couldnt dance" and let them perform their self expression. and that it was in insult to "real dancers". this was obviously the ego of a disconnected being who thought their self expression was in some way above the expression of others. its a shame that we beat one another down in order to build self up. this is not movement. this is not self appreciation. this is chaos.

we toss people aside often. this is a point i noticed within the show 'biggest loser'.

this show capitalizes on the downfall of our collective health as people. it makes weight loss an elitist circle. makes saving the life of an obviously unhealthy body into a game. it first gets many people who are unhealthily over weight together. then it makes these people compete to even be on the show to get what they consider "help that they all need". they make these people compete and apparently whoever "wants it" (< to be on the show ) more will get to get the help.

okay, i understand the importance of self movement and being the will that moves our physical bodies that creates the physical world. i understand that we are use to competition as "the way we move" and "from where we move" for a very long time. i understand that we have built importance and need around our idea of reward/punishment. 'do this good enough, get that. dont do this good enough, dont get that.'

what i dont understand is the fact that we are overlooking the point that ALL these fucking people need help. and it is displayed that we clearly see that ALL these fucking people need help. why not simply HELP ALL THESE FUCKING PEOPLE GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER SO THEY CAN SUPPORT THEMSELVES PERIOD? make that what this what this whole oopla is about.

and then many people say, "well people would not want to PAY to see someone who could not sing or could not dance or is not being followed around by a camera but losing weight." self expression, enjoyment, happiness, health - we make all thing dependent on money. having it, keeping it, getting it, using it.. the money motivator is one that should be dug unto for ones self to self honestly see what is actually within this point of money. which are seeds of greed and self interest and of course, fear.

to investigate bringing money to a point which reflects a core of oneness and equality and consideration for all life >www.equalmoney.org

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

..just not enough money


THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that all beings are able to eat food in order to stay alive once they are born

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that all beings have access to clean water to drink

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that all students have a way to and from school

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that our definition of 'education' is one that takes all into consideration and is not selective and dependent on money and profit

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that all children have access to care givers that give true care

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that we have an adequate number of teachers to teach our youth

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that all beings are clothed

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that all have access to all the great abundance of resources the earth provides us

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that in our process of life here that we respect all beings

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that the 'within' of each being is taken care of first and foremost because we collectively manifest the 'without'

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that all can be trusted with life in every form

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that all are guaranteed education not dependent and subject to the profit motives of self interest

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that all animals will be treated with the same respect and dignity we would want ourselves extended

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that all children born into this world are guaranteed a dignified life

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that we know the importance of self responsibility and a collective oneness within all that is here

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that all beings being brought into this world are being brought into a world that is compassionate caring and considerate as a starting point

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that all beings are able be trusted with life

theres just not enough fucking money?...

this shows that we value money more than life. as we have accepted and allowed and manifested an existence where money dictates whether u live or die- eat or starve- work or beg- can play this game we have made out of life or are played by this game we have made out of life. money is not how we trade and achieve mutual benefit as many hold as a core "purpose" of money. in actuality its action and movement that is the real act of trading to achieve what is best for all. not money. this idea of importance we give money is simply that. and idea. this cotton (money) means so much to us mentally that we have traded life for the glorification of an idea over life. our collective movement is not dependent on valuing money. its dependent on valuing life.

what if these things, which we can all see the collective importance in, were not dependent on money.. if life, not money, was the value from which action and movement was based.. where all do not come into this world striving to capitalize on all others here.. where support is the foundation that will be found at birth til death.. where growth, learning, fun and support all intertwine together..

investigate--> www.equalmoney.org

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

senate bill 310

i was watching the 'ohio channel' where the ohio house of representatives were discussing senate bill 310. senate bill 310 would regulate the ownership of a list of certain wild animals, monkeys and snakes. there are currently no regulations in ohio and there has been much fear generated from an situation that happened in zanesville ohio NOT practical consideration to do whats best by animals period and people period. a man in zanesville who had acquired many wild animals one day released them all and killed himself. this lead to the "need" to kill these animals as a result because the fear of what these animals would do. so the bill would require that wild animals be recorded, counted and easily located. the bill would also require current wild animals owners to obtain a permit and maintain liability insurance for their animals.

there were people speaking for and against the bill and stating reasons for their decision. one of the speakers who was against the bill listed a reason that stuck out to me.

the reason was that the bill discriminated against the poor.

he said that people without the money to pay for all these regulations that were being imposed by this bill and all the permits that were being required by this bill would not be able to keep their animals.

i found this particularly interesting because if that was a reason to NOT pass a bill then no bill should currently be passed at all. ALL we do and conduct as 'us' here discriminates against the poor. and thats really clear to see.

if u do not have enough money, u do not get to have a roof over ur head.

if u do not have enough money, u do not get to buy food to stay alive.

if u do not have enough money, u do not get access to an education.

if u do not have enough money, u do not get access to clean water.

if u do not have enough money, u do not get the dignified life that those with money are able to have.

we have shaped life, in totality, to discriminate against the poor. and its interesting that this point is not addressed at its core but then we try to use this point as fluff for our reindeer games here. all the while COMPLETELY MISSING what this point actually means coming out of our mouths. this point of money and our equation of it to power and purpose and movement and ability. we have made life dependent on money. and with this we stifle life as money, like all things, is not equal here currently.

the bill passed..

investigate--> www.equalmoney.org

Monday, May 21, 2012

for the fun of it

we really need to wake the fuck up.

many of the things we do "for fun" or "for the fun of it" are CLEARLY abusive, negligent, disrespectful and just plain ignorant. these things really show the underlined "nature" that we have accepted as ourselves and continue to manifest as the world. full of superiority, anger, mistreatment, abuse and hate masking as love. there are many ways in which we trick ourselves into seeing mistreatment as entertainment or fun. to name a few:

the circus - a place where we enjoy ourselves and have "fun" watching animals do tricks that finger our pleasure sensors ALL THE WHILE disregarding the abusive ways (beating, prod sticks, electric bull hooks) in which we con a bear or a tiger or a lion to do these un-natural acts for our amusement.

boxing/fighting - a situation in which we place two people inside of a box and watch them abuse one another's bodies and then judge them based on who abused the other greater and with more efficiency. and then call that person a 'winner'. ALL THE WHILE disregarding the collectively accepted disrespect that is shown towards the physical form and life in general (< that we would be entertained by the possibility of death and pain being inflicted on another) and the glorification of violence that is displayed (< then we are surprised that within are young we produce bullies and supporters of separation and war).

eating - an experience where all is apparently "fair". where we will do anything for a taste that we have decided is worth inflicting needless pain on beings smaller than ourselves. foie gras, lobster and veal are some of the most brutal. this is fueled by a system of profit that has no real barriers in itself.

fake up/make up - most people wouldnt stab a kitten in the eye with a mascara brush themselves but our use of products that were made "safe" to use by others stabbing kittens in their eyes with mascara brushes does show our acceptance and allowance and contribution towards the action. just like our support of a system the encourages profit at any cost as it instills competition and separation within the young ones so by the time they are the old ones, the circus, boxing and 'mistreat to eat' food will be "the norm".

much abuse is currently carried out in the name of fun.

and its interesting that when these points of un-noticed abuse within our "fun" are brought to the surface and talked about, the talker is usually seen to be a "kill joy" or "debbie downer" or "too serious" and the talkie usually makes themselves feel attacked. because the idea of fun the talkie has accepted and allowed as real, as themselves, IS NOT really fun. and its clear when the whole is considered within common sense.

i came across this video today of a man and woman couple with their child at a laundry mat. this couple thought it would be fun to put their small child inside of a washing machine. some would initially agree that this would be a "funny little thing" to do. within accepting the part (the generation of energy that we call "having fun") instead of considering the whole (the possibility that a being will be killed due to the action is being taken) we open ourselves up for things like rape, allowing others to starve or be homeless, murder, sex trafficking, child prostitution and all the other "ugly" things we dont like to consider the "nature" of ourselves having a direct hand in. because if we accept the idea that if we think its "fun" we should do it, then we must consider ALL of what people in general currently think is "fun". and that includes some fucked up shit if one is willing to be self honest about the current starting point behind ALL OF our "fun"...

Sunday, May 20, 2012

seeing the future - what is missed

the other day my sister was watching the show 'heroes' in my room. this tv show is about a large group of people that are emerging within society that have abilities "not the norm" and all that goes along with difference as we have accepted it as "to be feared" in our world. i have already seen the entire series in the past so i knew what was going to happen or unfold. one of the 'heroes' is a woman whos ability is to dream the future. there is a part towards the end where she sees her son with a friend of his who she has had a "future dream" about. what she is shown is this friend of her son participating in killing a ton of people. from this she tells her son to stay away from her and that she helps to kill many people.

there is something really interesting that ive noticed within our societal depiction of being able to see the future. the characters usually embrace the future that is shown as definite. however, there is ALWAYS much that is not seen within what is shown as 'the future'. in this show the context that was not taken into consideration within this "future dream" that was being presented as definite was that this woman participating in killing tons of people was being moved like a puppet to exploit her ability to attract people to her through her music by another 'hero' with the ability to move anyone as a puppet. the look on her face was obviously distraught and in pain. only after having seen it a second time did i consider this (as the first time the excitement of the idea of being able to peer into the future or fear of what that really means kept me from seeing what was actually being shown in totality).

most movies i can think of with a "future seer" in them depict seeing the future the same way. as in the movie 'minority report' where there are pre-cognitive beings that see the future but they also focus on the 'what will be' and miss the context. whereas they see the flower but miss the seed from which it grew or the watering it took to grow it.

the point that is missed within our "seeing of the future" is that it is always the CURRENT ACTION that will produce the seen future. the future, even if we can see it, is not set in stone. even if one is able to see what will be that can ALWAYS be changed and adjusted with the change or adjustment of self movement. of action. action produces life. not ideas. and this point is always displayed within movies that deal with a "future seer". whether purposeful or not. whether grasped or not.

so, being exposed to this 'seeing the future' point again i see much of the context i missed within the way i looked at this show and all these movies that have "future seers" in them. also i see that we just keep depicting seeing the future this way. where it ACTUALLY IS SHOWN that we can always make the decision to move ourselves differently and not just accept what the current state of us will bring. most look at the future based on the result of their (and others) current actions and see detriment. war, starvation, murder, inequality, mistreatment... which will continue to be produced with continuation of certain actions. however, there are also many of us that are changing and adjusting ourselves from within. and when we look at the future, we see a system of equality and respect based on the reflection of our current actions. the future is not set but is action dependent. so to consider the state of the future is to consider the state of our current actions.

investigate>> www.equalmoney.org AND www.desteni.org <<

Saturday, May 19, 2012

moving myself

so, since april 30th ive been doing this timeline thing where i keep track of what i do each day. just list form. i dont write down every minute detail of my day but the major things i do. the purpose of this is to get an idea of where exactly i allocate my time. i have stated to myself that the reason why i do not write everyday is because i do not have the time. well, in less than 21 days straight of doing this timeline i can clearly see that it is not time that i do not have. what i do not have is consistency and self movement. i have time. i have time to do whatever the fuck i want. the question is, what the fuck is that i am currently wanting to do. and i see that it hasnt been to move myself to write and express myself to assist myself and any others in this process we are all going through. it has been to make more money. and this is not to say that i work all day long. i do have three jobs and i work often however one of those jobs is as a nanny for my niece. this hardly feels like work ever. just something that needs to be done that i am doing. and also more family members are currently around to help out with my niece more often. so its not that i work all day long but my focus is on work and contracting events. i know that where i am currently living i cannot stay. i currently live with my sister in a two bedroom home. my niece is growing quickly and will need a place for herself here soon. and that place is the place that i am currently living in as it is my sister who owns this home. and i need to prepare to be able to assist and support myself when the time comes for my to be "out on my own" again. there is no rush and i am not being pushed out and the practicality for my to stay is currently here and seen by myself and my sister but i know what i will have to do here soon. and so i have been focused on making more money. that and keeping up with other people. many around me are having children or have children and i really enjoy children :) so i am spreading myself a bit trying to be "there for" and accessible to everyone around me. basically, i am pushing myself and my process to the side and its simply by my lack of self movement and self allocation. not a lack of time.

so, now that i see this and realize what it is that my participation, or lack there of, presents me with (the idea that i "dont have time". of which i accepted and allowed as truth. this idea is not.), i move myself to keep my timeline going where i write what i do each day to see the adjustmentsin the allocation of my time. i also make a commitment to myself to write each day. nothing specific. just self movement to not put process on a back burner. i will start with 21 days of this. and move to implement it as 'how i move myself' from that point of consistency.