"it may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. we are like eggs at present. and you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. we must be hatched or go bad. " -c.s. lewis

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

the write reasons..

i got things ready all yesterday. packed for a little over a week for the trip im currently taking to california with my sister and niece. got things around the house ready to come back to. sat down to write my blog for the day and it really felt forced. i have seen this "forced" "rushed" point before within my writing of myself. looking at the timekeeper ive noticed it seems i wait until the end of the days time to write my blog. so i see, that is something i physically do to produce this experience of "rushed" that i get sometimes when i write. the waiting or impractical allocation of my time. looking at myself i see that i am getting to know self movement. real, self honest self movement. its not something i (or we in general..) am use to looking at honestly. and how to do it "best" is something that i am walking and testing and figuring out as i discern the manipulation and lies within how i am use to moving myself.

i first started to write about hair. my hair/black hair/hair in general. which i found i had more to say and dig into then time i alloted myself to write my blog for the day. though i already see the point of impractical time allocation.. so the writing began to reflect my ideas of "tons to write but i dont have time". and by that point,i didnt have time. i had time. earlier. which i used to do things other than write my blog. and ended up trying to squeeze in some self expression when its simply supposed to be flowing out as self expression.

then, when i saw that writing about hair would require more time then i had before i had to go to work and the day would be done, i tried to change it up. the initial point to address was hair. but i tried to change that to talking about the stuff we rub on our lemons and fruit to make them more visually appealing. the fruit rub was something that i was interested in seeing the purpose of within our world but it was not what i wanted to moving myself to write about. this "settling" i tried to do within my self expression felt like shit trying to come out through my writing lol. it sounded, well dumb. not real. fake. forced.

so, shitty starting point (rushing, force, focus on some idea of what it means to write or what writing should entail instead of the movement of myself within writing, moving myself for others instead of for the betterment of self as ALL as life.. ) = shitty results (the self creation of feelings of inability and confusion and stagnation within my movement..)

questions to consider before moving myself to write-- why are u writing?... any expectations/hopes of something to produce through ur writing?... any fears within ur self movement?... are u writing to move urself to realization through digging or are u writing to be read?...


fear of writing a "shitty" blog..

desire to please whomever may be reading my blog..

fear of "naked writing"..

fear of "looking stupid" with my words..


^self forgiveness to come..

1 comment:

  1. Very salient to where I'm at in my process of starting this 7 year journey to life commitment. Thanks & keep it honestly real.