"it may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. we are like eggs at present. and you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. we must be hatched or go bad. " -c.s. lewis

Friday, November 11, 2011

veterans day

so today is veterans day. the facebook status' thanking all the veterans for their services are up. the president laid a reef at the 'tomb of the unknown' as well as issued a tax credit for hiring unemployed vets. some will be giving a minute of silence. some are collecting candy to send over to the soldiers, others putting together as many gift baskets (food/candy/personal things a soldier needs) as possible to send over as well. i was watching the news about the establishment of a 'veterans court' where veterans who come home and commit crimes are able to be helped differently and receive different attention via our court system because they are a veteran. my sisters company (shes a liquor rep) has a program going on where if u buy a bottle of this specific type of alcohol the proceeds will go to purchasing cell phones and minutes for soldiers so they are able to call home and speak with their families.

ok, i am going to touch on each of these ways in which we call ourselves "honoring" or respecting or helping soldiers and veterans with some common sense and consideration of the whole.

-the facebook status' thanking all the veterans for their services are up.-
so we all hail these veterans because they fight in our wars. in this we disregard the whole or what war is, what it entails, its starting point. no one should support war. in a nutshell, war is murder from profit.

to deny that statement is to deny what that facts are regarding war, as a whole. war is started by beliefs. one side believes things should be this way, the other side believe things should be another way. both sides, in thier minds, think they are doing what is best for "their people", "their country", "their land" and that they are willing to manipulate/lie/hurt/kill to get their way. to profit in their eyes. the spoiled child, but for adults. there is lots of money in war. money to be made and spent. and in this spending and making of money and profits -the lives of many are disregarded. whether it is the soldiers of whichever country or the civilians of "the enemy". there is only one world. life is life. and life always pays the death debt of war. the fact that we ("us" and "them") feel like we need people that are willing to not only die, but kill other people (men, women, children, cities, either now or through the years due to physical consequences of our actions)- is a problem that is not being looked at within our "celebrating of veterans". we say these men and women fight for our "freedom" and/or bring "freedom" to others.

which is laughable because we are not free. we are slaves to much and many. and we fucking pay. just because u are born into this world does not mean u get the freedom to eat food/live once u get here. no. someone who has mentally decided to give a damn about u, above most others, has to go out and make some money then they will be able to buy food/give u the "freedom" to live. the breath is free. and until we are as the breath, we are not free.

-the president laid a reef at the 'tomb of the unknown' as well as issued a tax credit for hiring unemployed vets.-
separation is not best for all. as seen in the separation of religions in which wars are fought as a result. people willing do die and kill others to prove to self that selfs beLIEfS are right and superior to others beLIEfS. as seen in the separation of races of people in which wars are fought as a result. people willing to die and kill others to prove to self that selfs race is right and superior to other races. from separation leads to ideas of winners and losers. as seen in our current capitalistic system. there are tons of people unemployed right now. people. not veterans or non veterans or blacks or whites or mexicans or young or old. people. but we are accepting and allowing of a tax credit for hiring unemployed vets? when so many PEOPLE are in need of assistance? its very dismissive of the whole. and because we have accepted and allowed this capitalistic system as ourselves ( this system of required winners and losers) there is the probability that we will want to profit. either many will hire veterans for reasons of getting the tax cut or many will disregard others that need jobs and possess the skills to do said job and instantly go towards hiring a veteran for reasons of mental ideas connected to people who fight in wars..or the tax cut or all of they above in more. we have to consider it all within the system in which we operate and consider ourselves because we ultimately create and manifest the system in which we operate. we need to do things on a world wide scale. one world. one people. lets stop settling for helping small groups of people to assist them in creating mental ideas of being "lucky" or "blessed" or in any way superior to any other person. in doing that we accept and allow the physical consequences of moving through life with that mentality. which is much..

-some will be giving a minute of silence.-
what is the point of a minute of silence? well, the way we take 'a moment of silence' is to remember those who have died. we would rather remember what is done than to stop it from having to be done. the fact that we still solve our "unsolvable" with our 'go to solution' = murder is fascinating. because it is so widely accepted as something that "has to" go on in life. this shows the limitation we allow to live in and as us. well in actuality one point of silence is 'to hear something'. if nothing is being SAID to be HEARD by way of the silence, whats the point of the silence?

-some are collecting candy to send over to the soldiers, others putting together as many gift baskets (food/candy/personal things a soldier needs) as possible to send over as well.-
we supply these our soldiers with almost endless amounts of bullets and tanks and rations, we spend billions, yes BILLIONS, on war as a whole --- but we require charity (money from beings that are not fighting) to create baskets of what we consider delicious food and necessities ( shaving cream, favorite junk foods, books, wet wipes, tissue, sweets, whatever). if we have this great appreciation for our soldiers and what they are fighting for why does someone have to pay $70 to send a soldier some chips and shit? these people should be given whatever the hell they need. all people really. and the companies that sell this shit are ran by beings whos egos collectively attribute to us going to war in the first place are making a profit off something that should JUST be done. if it was about actually care and not presenting the illusion of care, these things would be done different. every aspect of how we help another.

-i was watching the news about the establishment of a 'veterans court' where veterans who come home and commit crimes are able to be helped differently and receive different attention via our court system because they are a veteran.-

soldiers deal with a lot of shit. they are thrust into a world where they must survive at all cost with people out there that are trying to kill them and hidden mines under the ground to which if stepped on while blow them to pieces not being able to sleep comfortably most of the time, always hearing or seeing others die around them. its a lot of shit. and if one is looking at things within self honesty one will see that all are going through these same things. all is a reflection of our current acceptance and allowance of ourselves. we are all thrust into a world where we must survive at all cost in the capitalistic system that accepts that there will be winners and losers. that accepts there will be people left at the waist side. we are all surrounded by people that are trying to kill us. whether it is by way of money, as one must have money to eat and eats to live, or by way of one of the many beings who, with the help of this world as a whole, have manifested themselves as murders. we are all looking out for mines in relation to cancer, sexually transmitted diseases (because MANY people are deceptive or simply not self aware at all. as we breed us to be..) and many dis eases that plague our earth which we really dont know in totality how they manifest all the time. thousands of people die around us daily. just depends on ones mental ideas about what "around me" is - versus what ,in actuality, around us all is. all the same shit in different forms. but the same shit nonetheless. which is why many PEOPLE are dealing with the same things as a veteran that has been to war would. and many -all- PEOPLE are in need of the attention we want to separately give to the veterans. we want to get to the bottom and help these veterans instead of just send them to jail like we do with "regular" people. creating the separation of veterans and "regular" people, the superiority of veterans over "regular" people, the worth of the life of veterans over "regular" people. this is not best for all in any account. with the establishment of this 'veterans court' we are saying a number of things. we are saying that our "regular" people court system is not equip to deal with the needs of a veteran who comes back and commits a crime. we are saying that veterans are more deserving of assistance than "regular" people. we are saying that we require a special court for veterans only to help in the way that we should be helping all people if we valued all people but since we value the life of a veteran over the life of a "regular" person they need to have their own court to go to when they fuck up. this is obviously a lack of care for the whole. and one of many acts that disregard people as a whole.

my sisters company (shes a liquor rep) has a program going on where if u buy a bottle of this specific type of alcohol the proceeds will go to purchasing cell phones and minutes for soldiers so they are able to call home and speak with their families.
we spend billions of dollars on war. billions of dollars are made in profits of war. we spend billions of dollars each year on television advertisement. but we cant spend a couple thousand to send each soldier a fucking cell phone and minutes? we have to get people to purchase a specific type of alcohol (attached to a brand profiting off of the need for soldiers to be able to call home)in order to let our soldiers who we claim we honor and respect so greatly have access to a cell phone and minutes? in this we disregard the fact that alcohol is one of the leading causes of unnecessary deaths in the entire world, we disregard the conditional existence we create for our soldiers (as we do for the world as a whole),we disregard the honor and respect we call ourselves wanting to give to veterans above all people. not seeing we actually disregard veterans as we disregard people. as we try to emit the illusion of care for both. when presented with the new project at work, 'minutes for soldiers', my sister immediately saw the common sense point of , why dont we just GIVE them phones and minutes. they had an actual soldier there that she asked if they actually get these phones and these minutes. to which the soldier said yes and its cool because they cannot always get to a place where they are able to phone home. and my sister asked the big elephant question in the room of why dont we just GIVE soldiers phones and minutes. there was a moment of silence. and then they responded that they didnt know. but quickly left the bullshit untouched and encouraged to push this specific alcohol and the program.

there is so much hypocracy within our collective actions as people. we say this day is to honor those who fight or die at war. the best way to honor them is to do everything we have every done completely different. every way we use to address a situation, stop that and do that different. every way we use to address opposition, stop that and do that different. every way we raise people up to be, stop that and do that different. to where war is not an option or possibility in our world. it is possible. change is not only possible, its necessary. there is much to consider as to why things are the way they are. starting with our individual/collective acceptance and allowance of ourselves.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

denim and diamonds

watching the news yesterday i saw the story of this denim and diamonds fundraiser. i am going to paste the article below in then give notice and attention to the overlooked aspects within ways of dealing with our issues and programs such as this...

It's not the usual jewelry worn with jeans, but a local women's counseling center is asking you to wear denim and diamonds this week.
A short time ago Gina Graham said even little things such as shopping and sharing with friends, were not enough to help her cope anymore with the aftermath of a painful childhood.
"It really came to the point where I felt like I was having an identity crisis and really the ways I'd been thinking that got through those tough times for many years, weren't working for me anymore." Said Graham, a former client of Eve Center.
So Graham sought out the help of some of the people such as peer counselors at the Eve Center. The center provides faith based counseling for women by women.
"It's safe, no cost and very confidential." Said Cinny Roy, Executive Director of the Eve Center.
Graham, Roy and peer counselor Wanda Taylor Smith met up with us to wear denim and go shopping for a few perfectly sized diamond at Philip Bortz Jewelry downtown.
But when it comes to what they are supporting, you might say one size fits all with these diamonds. We are talking about demin and diamonds for a very important reason. This weekend is the first ever Denim and Diamonds Fundraiser for the Eve Center. The money raised will provide even more free mental health counseling.
"One of the ways women process things is by talking through things, and this helps them to understand that god has given them the where-withal to talk through some of their issues." Said Wanda Taylor-Smith, an Eve Center counselor.
Those issues are gone for Gina Graham. "I want other people to know what I know now, that life can be different." She said.
In other words, you can get the spark, or in this case the sparkle, back again.

ok, this is a blatant example of selective viewing of the part instead of the whole in many ways within this story.

first shown in the fact that gina graham created the 'denim and diamonds' idea because her childhood was so painful that she, apparently, could not cope with without the help of the eve center and making herself and others feel pretty with some diamonds. now this is not to down the support and assistance of organizations but instead to point out that most of us have had things happen in our childhood that would be considered painful and all of us have the ability to deal with these things without the help of a center or things like diamonds to make us feel pretty or loved. we advocate self discovery but not self creation. as pointed out here "It really came to the point where I felt like I was having an identity crisis and really the ways I'd been thinking that got through those tough times for many years, weren't working for me anymore." gina was aware that she had a hard childhood discovered that it had affects on her but didnt actually do anything about how she accepted and allowed her childhood to affect her. instead of getting down to the ideas she had accepted about herself and life by way of her painful childhood and letting go of those ideas to create a different gina, she rested in ways that were not helpful because they did not stand the test of time. seen in her later "identity crisis".

another display of the disregard of the whole in favor of the part is our collective view of diamonds. when we think of diamonds we think of love, "foreverness", money, commitment. in this we completely slight the big picture of the acquisition of diamonds. whether it is a conflict diamond or not is besides the point on the fact that we need a reality check about the relationship we accept and allow ourselves to have with diamonds as a WHOLE. two-thirds of all diamonds come from africa. this is something that happens often where a country that is considered poor is rich in some resources that we here in the united states has mental value in. many children are killed by way of diamonds and the diamond industry. many are either forced to be a child laborer or a child soldiers. sometimes whole communities forced into labor and an abusive existence, low or no pay and many times death. do diamonds, in totality, make people happy and represent love? definitely not. and we adopt and spout phrases like 'diamonds are a girls best friend' not seeing the implications of such a statement when looking at the whole and not just the part. with the implementation of the equal money system this brutality would end. for one, because life and its value will be respected from birth until death. for all. period. and another because in an equal money system the fact that one thinks it is acceptable to brutalize another being would not be overlooked. it will be addressed and gotten to the root of the issue. no longer will we sit on the sidelines and simply accept and allow bullshit in OUR life. the profit driven murder does not have to be. but we accept it and allow it by holding onto these delusional ideas about diamonds.

so for $60 per person, $85 if u desire a sapphire ticket which includes consideration of being in actual sponsor and a t-shirt, people can enjoy a dinner and music and the chance to win $3700 worth of jewelry and feel like they are helping people who would require faith based counseling via the eve center. all the while being okay with our "love" of diamonds so intense and "special" as to lead to children having their limbs cut off or communities enslaved and brutalized. all the while being okay with our idea of "helping" with a problem without addressing the starting point or considering all of the consequences there of. always looking at the part instead of the whole.

we need to stop this greed within us. it the same greed that allows one to cut the limbs off a child. its the same greed that allows us to blindly value diamonds when the outflow of their acquisition is apparent. its the same greed that allows us to require the involvement of money to dictate the quality of "help" that is given in any situation towards any issue. it the same greed that allows us to feel good about spending $60 towards a cause instead of taking collective action to stop the cause.

if we truly cared about prevention of painful childhoods that would lead to needing support from the help of the eve center which needs money to run which would require a fund raiser in which we support the acquisition of diamonds that people die for daily...then we would establish a world wide system that supports life. so life does not feel the need to do whatever to get money and survive. if we truly cared we would honestly investigate an equal money system. one that addresses and stops causes instead of raises money for them.

asian long horned beetle

there is big controversy going on in my state right now regarding the asian long horned beetle. this beetle was accidentally brought over from asia in some timber and is, well doing what the asian long horned beetle does. eat trees and lay eggs.

it was introduced into the united states in 1996 and has been making its way around since then. it has made its way to ohio and everyone is freaking out about it. there was a meeting in bethel here yesterday in ohio where there was discussion about if we are going to cut to upwards of 50,000 trees (some infected, some "at risk" healthy trees). this will not necessarily stop the insects but reduce the infection. so in reality, this may continue to have to been done every so often once the beetles who remain continue to do what they do which is lay eggs and eat trees. there are warnings to keep and eye out for the signs that a tree is infected with the beetle and to report it immediately if found. saying, this is what we must do to protect "our forest" and "our trees" from these insects. for one, the forest DO NOT belong to us. this is what we, as a society, hold as truth. that all here on this earth belong to us humans only. which is completely untrue and shows the superior nature in which we are taught to operate from towards all other beings.

i have to ask, were these beetles displaced by us humans in asia to begin with? we are not partial to taking over pieces of land with no regards as to what humans, animals or insects currently inhabit said land. our exploration of the rainforest, because the starting point is ego and human self interest, it is an abusive act towards the animals, insects and plants. whether it is to build roads, explore for oil, logging, mining or whatever "reason" we feel like we direly need to destroy the life of the rainforest. could this asian long horned beetle be pointing something out to us in relation to how we invade others homes without regard? and then we go to our 'go to solution'. which is to kill. that is how we deal with if someone disagrees with is as a country, as a species. not that it HAS to be this way, but this is how we have accepted and allowed it to be.

we do this to animals often. we take away what they eat or what naturally eats them, displace them from their homes or natural habitats then kill them afterward when there is no place for them to go and we just name them as pest to us. which in actuality is because the asian long horned beetle places great risk to the profit of the timber industry. as we are fighting for our profit, which holds mental make beLIEve value in profit, we let the value of life die beneath our feet. our greed kills. many animals become extinct by way of nature (though we as humans -in our behavior and practices- have a serious impact on the cycles of nature that extinct many animals as well) but we humans have our hands in the extinction of animals for our own unnecessary reasons. consequences from actions taken by us within superiority towards other beings instead of equality and respect as a bottom line. as seen with polar bears, deer, snakes, various foxes, the dodo bird and countless other animals, birds and insects.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

the physical

the physical is very supportive if one is paying attention and not trying to make factual things out of fictional thoughts- but remaining here and present within movement.

for example...

if one is eating and in the mind thinking about all kinds of shit ("do i look weird eating this way?" "maybe i should go on a diet.." "my car and job really suk." "i wonder if that guy will ask me out.." etc) then one is not here with the food and the fork and the body and the chair and the table in the physical. one is in the mind and the mind is not HERE physically present with the food and the fork and the body and the chair and the table. can one touch a thought? no. thoughts are not physically here. and the physical is always here and moving without malice or judgment or goodness or hurtfulness or morbidness or a rosey outlook. its simply here. so- if one is eating and in the mind one may bite their tongue. this happens and we get pissed. pissed at the tongue, at the food. we say "damn! I bit my tongue!" but yet we fail to realise that the physical is supporting us to realise that we were not physically HERE to stop OUR OWN teeth from biting OUR OWN tongue.

if one is driving a car and in the mind thinking all kinds of shit ( "these drivers are all such bad drivers. im a good driver." "damn if i dont hurry im going to be late then i might get fired and i NEED that money!" "i hope no one doesnt hit me.." "i wonder what everyone is going to be doing this weekend? maybe there is a party going on. i need a drink." "my car is so ugly. i need to get a brand new car like that person over there.." "damn i wish i had more money to get..." etc...) then one is not there with the car and the wheel and the road and the people in the physical. even singing and being SO into "your song" creating emotionality and bringing up memories regarding said song is not the practical way that one should drive. it is very important to be HERE while driving, while doing anything actually but in this example while driving. it takes a split second of driving while in the mind to miss a needless incident coming ones way. and this happens so fucking often that it really saddens me that we dont individually/collectively take notice to this bullshit and pay attention and be present while fucking driving. not being HERE is the cause of most accidents and deaths on the roadway as well as deaths for animals(which is needless because the road does NOT belong to us only. it belongs to ALL equally. even animals that simply need to pass). wether that 'not being here' is attributed to tons of thoughts going through ones head, being fucking drunk/tipsy (i cannot count how many of the people that i know drive after they have been drinking even though we KNOW KNOW KNOW that self is not present when alcohol is involved and that this causes many accidents and deaths. where is care?), being fearful of others on the road or speeding/rushing and disregarding others on the road. and then when an accident occurs everyone is pissed off and we look for one person to blame. we dont collectively teach and advocate practical ways of being a human being. so everything that comes after that bullshit starting point (driving, playing, working, school systems, the law, our idea of giving, our idea of helping, birthing human beings, our hospital system..etc) has the potential to manifest into bullshit as well. as shown in the state of the world currently.

if one is walking and in the mind, not HERE in the physical, one might trip and fall and break/scrap/injure a part of ones physical body. THAT is the physical trying to let one know, "hey, u were not here when this what about to happen to us. so if u are not HERE to direct u/us, where ever u are (in the mind) is directing u/us". then we get pissed at "luck" saying oh i just have such "bad luck". we never want to see ourselves within the bullshit. its always some other reason why this or that has happened. its never because we accepted and allowed it to happen. which is, in actuality, the ONLY reason anything happens in this world. by our individual/collective acceptance and allowance.

i have gotten into car accidents, hurt other people in various ways, *slit the tendons in my hand for which i now type with 9 fingers only, walked into walls or doors, stubbed my toe, dropped and broken things, hurt animals, wasted food, missed appointments, missed opportunities to help others, missed opportunities to change the world needlessly -all because i was not paying attention. being in the mind instead of being HERE and present within consideration of all (things and people) in my actions.
what about u?
consider all the things that have gone on/do go on in the world because we dont pay attention to the whole in relation to the things that we do. wars, rapes, murders, slavery (historical and modern day), killing off of animals, ruining portions of the earth in which we ALL reside on, placing value in money instead of where value belongs -in life-, starvation, disregard of life...

eating, driving and walking are just three of the things that if done while in the mind manifest bullshit in the world. consider the fact that we have been doing EVERYTHING from the starting point of the mind (with a self interested chaser..) since the beginning of time. all the while we completely miss that being physically HERE is key to stopping all the "whoops" and "oops" and bullshit in the world that we "dont know" how or why it continues to happens.

the mind/thoughts cannot be trusted. only the physical, what is HERE and verifiable and touchable, can be trusted. the mind says one must survive and strive to be the happiest one can be in this world. the physical proves that NONE survive ultimately. we all die. that is assured. that is verifiable and touchable. yet we all carry on trying to attain this mental idea of "surviving". like we can. the physical also proves that there is plenty here for all to live a dignified and happy life if one thinks of ALL in relation to self and do what is best for ALL -which includes self-.

attention is the only bill that is free to pay. but we, as a society, push it aside so very often...

Friday, October 28, 2011

consequences, emotion, realisations, self support, walking

its been a trying couple of days for myself. dealing with tons of shit and having to realise that being emotional and reacting within emotion actually does nothing. and this is a true statement though many may mention the "realease" that one feels after a good cry or after a fight feeling as though something we dealt with however that is not the practical way to deal with anything and what needs to be dealt with, within dealing this way, is actual disregarded in favor of doing something that makes self feel better. its actually unnecessary if one is walking constantly. being emotional when faced with hard times is kinda like a cop-out/ a 'woe is tree'/a give up. its like saying "i give up because i dont feel i can walk through this situation so instead i will sit here and be emotional about it". its kinda selfish really, getting emotional. and goes back to the beginning point i had to face through these trying couple of days. abdication of responsibility... hellboy died. when he first came into the house he was not "my fish". i didnt see him as "my fish". and in that 'hes not mine' mind i did not take full responsibility for him. though i could see that responsibility was needed with him, because i had not made him "mine" in my head (mind fuckery) yet. i did not walk within responsibility for this being because this being was not "mine". this is a big point within our world i realised. there are many things we need to take collective responsibility for in which we do not because we see these things as not "my problem". so all these things that we see as not "my problem" (the starvation of someone else or someone elses children, the rape of someone else or someone elses children, the abuse of someone else or someone elses children, war, etc..) have consequences if they are not dealt with practically. hence, the world. we dont feel we should or even that we can take responsibility for them. because we have not mentally attached the problem to ourselves. which is a mind fuck because wether we mentally attach the problem to ourselves or not, we are still the constant. our collective abdication of responsibility in the world is a direct reflection of the abdication of responsibility within each one of us. so because of my abdication of responsibility for hellboy, i did not deal with the cleaning of his little tank at first. i would feed him, but not take full responsibility for him as a whole. by the time i actually mentally decided to make him "mine" the consequences of by abdication of responsibility were already on their way within the physical (which moves and continues its support without goodness, badness, or judgement--so supportive, the physical. blog to come on how supportive the physical just being the physical is). all those weeks of not taking responsibility for his tank water and researching how to properly take care of a beta fish were still here even though i had recently considered my responsibility through the mental connection of "mine". there is no escaping responsibility. so in the morning i went to feed hellboy and he had this gray film all over his body and he was moving sluggish. his water was clear and clean but he looked terrible. i took him out of the water and called the pet store. i told them what was going on and they asked if his tank was clean. to which i said yes. they informed me that if you put food in a beta tank and the fish does not eat the food within 5 minutes we should take the food out of the tank because the food grows bacteria and its deposited within the water and the fish is constantly in the water so the bacteria is deposited within the fish. this physically manifest fungus on the fish. she said they sell drops that u can add to the water to help the fish. i called my sister and told her hellboy wasnt doing very good and needed this drops to help him. she said she would take me to get them when she got off work as i was watching my niece at home. throughout the day he got worst and worst til he took his last breath. by the time the fungus manifested physically it was too late. the consequences for my abdication of responsibility for this life was already here......

right after hellboy died (before i had a look at myself within it) my little sister called and told me that she joined the army. i did not take this well. knowing that my sister does not like war or superiority or authority or being made to feel inferior i knew that this was about money. and i called her out on that. she says money is not the main reason and spouted out some shit that was spouted out to her from a recruiter about security and setting up life for her and her future children. i told her was is fucking ignorant and that she has many other options but shes taking this "easy" route because of the money they are promising her and shes not considering that she could be sent to fight and die. she says she could die right now. yes, but that does not mean u should go play in traffic. looking at this in relation to myself i see that i recall when i was approached with the "opportunity" to join the army. my roomate and i at the time wasnt making much money at our amazon.com factor job so we were about to join the army. the recruiter made promises and said what he could do for me and my life. i had just found desteni and jack and was at a pretty crazy place in my process but ultimately i could not do something like that for money... my sister wanted to end the conversation with the manipulative 'i love u?' to which i did not want to sugar coat reality with that emotional goodbye. after ten minutes of overwhelming tears i had to look at myself within this all. i was actually disappointed with my sister. disappointed that she was taking what is seen as an "easy way" in life, instead of facing her laziness and fear of survival. i realised i was judging her (in relation to what i did and apparent made the idea in my head that its the same thing she should have done) instead of supporting her. and supporting her did not necessarily mean saying "great! u joined the army, ur going to get money. thats awesome ur doing something with ur life". i was just telling her how bullshit the decision was and how i was not going to support it. not realising i can support the sister without supporting the decision. and this is something i have to realise in relation to my facebook which i have been accepting and allowing to get to me. half my facebook is destonians or the awakening which is fucking awesome. the links they post, comments, likes-- its all supportive. and then half my facebook is fuckery which fucking suks. the links, comments and likes these people post are straight fucking bullshit. and i have to see myself within this as well. i was a fuckery supporter for many many many many years. so even if these fuckers are showing me what i myself supported for so long they are showing me something in relation to myself and the oneness that is all of us. and i can support the fuckers without supporting the fuckery.

then i come home from orientation at my new job, third job (ba, nanny, *factory work), to find out my brother and sister(brothers gf) broke up. the brother and sister that just had a baby together four months ago. he told me he cheated on her. i told him he was on some complete fucking bullshit. he says he knows and he didnt mean for it to happen or to hurt her. our world is paved with "good intentions"... anyway i asked him if he was going to fight for her. he said he doesnt deserve to have her and he doesnt expect her to forgive him. i mentioned that my ex was not willing to deal with our bullshit with me either. and as he could see we are not partners anymore. i left to go and get my car title and tags and when i got back he had already moved out. ugh, now this was something i definitely had to bring back to myself. i have only had one boyfriend in my 28 years. my ex. and i did not cheat on him. but if uve read my blog u know that i have been apart of others cheating before. which,in actuality, means that i have assisted and supported and accepted and allowed cheating. which is, ive realised, unacceptable in any form. its grown from lies, deception, abdication of responsibility and disrespect of another person. all of which are at the forefront of much fuckery and bullshit in our world as a whole. within participating with cheating, whether its my cheating or anothers cheating, we accept and allow cheating to exist in the world. and i am aware that within a competition capitalistic based society someone will always want to cheat, compete and capitalize on another. more the reason why the implementation of another system that does not support this shit should be investigated. because our current system REQUIRES bullshit. u cannot NOT participate within the bullshit because its sprinkled all through our current system. an equal money system would support us to realise ourselves as equal to life. and realise the only thing that has value here is life. so we can weed out all this bullshit that is not supportive to us/the world at all.

and i continue to walk..

Sunday, October 23, 2011

roscoe, pets and george

walking downstairs this morning i noticed a ladybug at the top of the stairs. it wasnt moving so i went to pick it up on this piece of plastic and check it out. he started moving so i knew he was alive and i went to take him out the front door. on the way to the front door i noticed he was having trouble moving. i got outside the door and i went to put it in the bush but, well i just didnt lol. i brought him back in and told my sister i thought its legs were fucked up cause it was having trouble walking. i walked upstairs with it then walked downstairs and out the door again then back inside. i told my sister i was going to do some research on ladybugs before i put it outside. so i came in and placed it on my aloe plant and went online. i found out that there are over 5000 different species of ladybug and 400 here in north america. they are omnivores which mean they can eat asphids (other bugs found on plants) or damp rasins :). i read, to give it water one should we a paper towel to damp but not dripping so the ladybug can drink from it. so i immediately went to do that. i placed the small starter piece of paper towel near him on my aloe plant. he was already touching it when i came back to check on him. i moved it a little bit away to see if he was actually drinking from it and he promptly moved back to where he was touching it. so i realised he WAS drinking from it. they live 1-3 years depending on the conditions. the male and female ladybugs both have spots and u cant really tell the sex visually unless u compare tons of ladybugs because females are usually larger. my sister heard somewhere that all females are spotless so instead of resting in what was heard we looked it up. this was a 16 spotted beetle. ladybugs are sometimes kept during the winter and released in the spring time. its best to release a ladybug u find inside during months when the weather is warm so it has time to find a place to hibernate for the winter. yes! ladybugs hibernate like bears. and since its cold out right now and could snow any day i realised this ladybug probably wont find a place to get snug so i decided to have it as a guest and named him roscoe :). just a name that came to me. i checked to make sure i wasnt connecting him to any other past memories or anything and saw clarity. so, roscoe is here for as long as he is here. the plan is to keep him until the spring and then let him go. i am not sure if hes a boy or girl but ladybugs wont lay eggs if they are hibernating inside a home. even if they did, he is still welcome here.

i needed to go to the pet store to pick up some things. i have three pets right now ( or they have me :)..four in u include roscoe. ganja is my snake. shes a ball python. i have had ganja for about 5 or 6 years now. she belonged to a friend of mine who bought her when she was really small. i would go see her at his place or hed bring her when he came to visit but the land lady at his place did not want them to have a snake. so he asked if i wanted her. i did! i was really into snakes for some reason and i really liked/thought it was kinda cool that i was totally afraid of birds (at that time) but loved snakes. fucking silliness... so i got ganja. at the pet store i got ganja mice. two large. there were some mice mommas in there nursing their tiny little hairless mice babies. i asked the guy who was helping me,nick, when do they take the mice away from the mother to be sold as feeders. he said they actually sell them now. i said, really? i was kinda sad about it. ya know, babies being ripped away from the parents so young. i mean, fuck these little mice babies couldnt even walk. nick says, well what are u feeding? i said a ball python snake. he says well consider that small snakes, baby snakes, have to eat too. i was like, damn, ur right about that. its all about context. it is NOT the same as us ripping baby elephants from their parents to abuse them and make them do stupid ass tricks for our amusement. and one must be careful to not create ideas in which to refer to later. careful that realisations do not become twisted ideas and future assumptions. that is not living. that is not here. that is the mind creating and directing. i realised that i had saw the video on elephants and ringling brothers and actually created this idea about babies and parents and forgot about practicality and oneness within it all as the bottom line. so that was cool to realise.

chaka is my dog. my buddy. my pal :). shes so cool. i got her when i was breaking up with my ex. he never wanted me to have a dog and i knew things were fucked and fucking us both and i was about to leave anyway (which i did) so i got chaka :). i found her online on a site similar to craigslist. a woman two hours away had chaka and her brother. i drove to get her, got into a hit and run car accident, car broken down on the way back ( my boyfriend at the times car). but chaka and i were fine. and we were together. at the pet store i got a chew toy for chaka. a small toy that looks like a tire that you can place peanut butter into. she digs it.

hellboy is my beta fish. my sister was in town for a couple months and brought him over from my aunts place. my aunt got it for my cousins but they had no interest in it. it had all the componets with it: a small plastic "fish tank", a net, food, plants (fake ones).. all of which he did not seem to enjoy at all. he was trying to swim around but putting one fake plant in there took up so much room. i asked my sister if she didnt mind me taking him when i moved out. my brother named him 'cherry g' when he first came but i saw him as and named him hellboy for his bright colors. my sister said she didnt mind if i took him so i am. she was looking at the fish tanks when i was getting mice and called me over mentioning it may be cool to get hellboy a live plant for his tank and also said that i could use one of the old vases in the kitchen to give him more room. so i chose the red melon plant. the color of the center leave resembled hellboys color.

we walked down the isle looking at all the fish. i would sometimes say "hello fish" and tap on the glass. we were talking a couple of days ago about the echo through the water of a fish tank if u tap on it but we didnt have a clear answer. one of the guys was filling a tank and i asked him if the fish hear a loud echo when we tap on the glass. he said yes they do and its actually very loud and uncomfortable for the fish. that the sound travels in the water and fucks with the fish. in not a cool way at all. i asked him, why do we not talk about this? he said, well u didnt ask me. -- and i want to mention that for a split second (really a split second) i got a little pissy. i thought " damn that was a pissy ass response." but i quickly got the fuck out of my head and back there in the isle with him and realised his answer wasnt pissy at all. it was actual. i asked him why we didnt talk about this and many people assume we means u and me only. so thats the response he gave. we (he and i) didnt talk about it before because i did not ask him. so when i realised that i knew that if i put a bit of emphasis on the WE he would broaden the part to the whole. -- i said, no, why dont WE talk about this. he said, u know what i am not sure. and he said how he thinks that is the problem with society. we dont talk or want to talk about many things. i agreed of course. we talked about people limiting themselves and not being able to see themselves in another. he said he has kids and they are the reason he wants to be more open and honest because.. and he was having trouble getting it out. so i said, this is not the world u want reflected in ur childrens eyes. he says exactly. we talked for a while in the isle, he my sister and i. and its funny to watch the physical. its so fucking supportive for self awareness and being HERE. because when i first started talking to him he wasnt mean at all but his body was really stiff. and it showed. as we talked his muscles loosened up and he was just there with us. his name is george. he is the manager at the pet store. cool guy. shook my hand and asked if we'd come in to chat again. which i totally will.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

halloween - hollow we

so im not into halloween anymore lol. and i really have to laugh out loud at this process ive gone through with halloween. growing up we did not celebrate halloween. it was looked at as a pagan holiday and my family, as rastafarians, seperated ourselves from those we considered pagan or wicked. so, no halloween growing up. i was interested in it. i would not have minded some candy like the other kids but it wasnt something that was pressing to me or something i felt very left out with. i did look at the..well i guess the word is ridiculousness. i did look at what i saw as ridiculousness of the holiday at a young age. the dressing up as things and going to random houses to ask for candy, the picking of pumpkins and carving them into faces. i always thought people HAD to do something else with them besides the carving. ( we, as a society, waste so much food then we cry about how we all "care" about starvation ). i thought it was all pretty wierd, but i did want to be apart of it. the first time i dressed up i was with my grandmother. my fathers mother. she is a baptist and did not agree with many of the decisions my parents made regarding us and saw them as complete silliness.. our dreadlocked hair, our not getting of immunizations or vaccines, our rastafarian ways, etc.. so to me she felt like she was introducing me to some side i was missing out on by letting me dress up as a witch and trick or treat at the mall. it wasnt very much fun in actuality. so i didnt really deal with halloween for a while. then i grew up and halloween became about something else entirely...
it was no longer about dressing up in a costume and going out to get candy. no, in college halloween became about dressing up as cute/sexy/slutty a girl could be in her costume and going out to get drunk as fuck. ive been my share of slutty [insert noun here]. slutty referee, slutty brick house, slutty queen of hearts, slutty cow girl, slutty hippie. this is the portrayal of halloween for young girls now. every costume a celebrity wears or is shown in the media is a slutty this or that. people already have no clue what it is we are REALLY ACTUALLY celebrating within ANY given holiday. now halloween has been so sexed up and energy infused, the bottom line that we celebrate bullshit is not seen. and we continue to be bullshit generators..... within starting this process of facing and realising myself both as i accept and allow myself to be and as i really honestly am -as life-, i decided to make a point to face my fears. fears are a form of accepted limitation. and thats really all fears do. limit self from self directing within action. some people say that fears are protection from bad situations. to keep self alert or always in protection of self. well, that is a fucked up way to be. thats not living at all. thats resting in the experince and self created comfort of fear. i would suggest to be HERE and aware in every moment instead of being directed by fear. an example i had with a friend of mine: i was driving the car and she was in the passengers seat. her bottle of water fell from her hand and rolled under the pedal of the breaks. she accesses memories and ideas from the past, stories she had seen or heard of people dying in horrible car wrecks for this reason or that reason and fear kicks in. shes all "omg tree the bottle the bottle! its under the pedal!". i say to her," breathe. relax. and reach down there and pick it up." she did and i told her in any given situation either we let something else direct us, like fear towards panic and self limitation, or we direct ourselves to do what needs to be done. i told her if i too would have let fear direct me when the bottle rolled under there we would have easily been in a car accident. and the fucked up part is we would have blamed the bottle! lol. to this day she says she keeps that realisation we had in the car that day with her and uses it within situations of being directed by fear or by self. so within the process of self REAL-EYESation, i make a point to face and delete my fears. halloween, after the slut factor, became about the haunted houses and generating the energy from fear. it was about finding the best scarriest ones possible. and i had enjoyed that fear. id go to a haunted house with an arm to squeeze throughout the whole thing. i would have my eyes closed a lot but the energy excites and intices. upon seeing the bullshit that is fears, i wanted to test myself. i went with my boyfriend at the time to a haunted house that was really far away. this place was known to be the scarriest because the people are allowed to touch u and grab u. which at a typical haunted house is not allowed. so i thought this place would be great. there were clowns everywhere. that was a big fear of mine. --and really its interesting now that i do not accpet and allow myself to harbor fears because when i was afraid of these things ( clowns, feet, birds, the dark, haunted houses..) its like i was proud of my roster of fears. like, hello! my name is tree and theeeeeese are my FEARS! it was like a tada! these are them!. and many people have this relationship with their fears. they fucking love them. they list them. they share them. they stand by them. they are okay with them. no one ever thinks to face the shit.-- so clowns was a big fear. walking through this place was so different than any experience i had ever had at a haunted house. i was use to making it this big thing in my head. getting ready for fear, anticipating it, wanting it, wanting it to take me. that was no more. so i walked around this place and looked at people dressed up in clown costumes and they didnt look at animated as i was use to making them in my head or as " oh my goodness this MAY actually be a murdering clown in front of me". they were just people in make up and costumes. it was a eye opening experience for myself to step back, collect self and walk into this sittuation i had been in many and many of times before, for the first time. :).
so nowadays i have friends that want me to do this and that for halloween. would rather push the norm than see the truth about our holidays and celebratory ignorance. but im so not into halloween anymore lol. the getting candy, the dressing up, the fear factor, the disregard. i dont know if we will celebrate any holidays in an equal money system. at least im sure not the ones we do now. im all for letting all this bullshit go. halloween is a hollow time for me. i see hollowness everywhere.

halloween - hollow we.

Friday, October 14, 2011

baby found in trash bin being eaten by ants, prayer

im seeing this photo passed around facebook with the title 'facebook prayer request. please pray for this baby that was found in a bin being eaten by ants :(' and some that say 'if u have a heart then pass this along'

it is completly ignorant to pass this picture around asking people to pray for this child. this child is not happy about or thankful for this choice of actions upon hearing it was dumped in a trash bag and almost eaten alive by ants. this is not what this child wants or needs.

we, as a society, need to get fucking real. we have been praying for shit to happen for eons and eons of time which is funny to me because we also accept that the person who we think we are praying to does what he wants and does what it is his will and does what he sees fit. so the very act in our praying for shit but also saying 'if he gives it he gives it. if he doesnt he doesnt want it to be for some secret reason' is redundant cause ultimately all is up to the "plan" or the desires of the egoic god. so that is why we accept that starvation, rape, abuse of animals, inequality, manipulation, wars are things that we cannot do anything to stop. because we accept that we prayed for it to stop and it didnt stop, so there is no more that we can do but live with it as best we can. this is the attitude of those who rest in prayer.
2 corinthians 20:1-30 "the battle is the lords". it is taught in the bible that the world is a battle and the battle is the lords. as a result of prayer we have become complacent within the abdication of responsibility. which is why when one feels they know they can do nothing for u, they pray for u. --prayer requires an 'i am limited/ i am inferior/ i am unable' attitude. and that is NOT what that child/ any child being brought into this world needs from the beings here. the "grown" ups.

this child has some questions:

what, the fuck, is prayer going to do for me?
where was prayer and mercy before i was placed in a trash bin?
why do u hear what has happened to me, and other atrocities to other babies and not consider requiring preparation for parenting here?
do u care about babies enouch to change ur ways of treating all beings in general?
do u want to stop abuse and the things within beings that causes one to abuse another or just sit, eyes closed to the reality of it and pray that it stops?
why do u not see that the world reflects what we allow to live in each one of us?
if ur prayers have done nothing for the countless beings that are currently starving,being beaten, raped, sold into sex slavery, all under the accepted system of abuse in the world, what do u think prayer will do for me?
why have u not considered an equal money system?

we need to change the definiton of being a human being to one that respects all life equally. so none are ever disrespected and disgarded. stop praying for change and manifest it with us. investigate a new system. one that values life. period. www.equalmoney.org

Thursday, October 13, 2011

touchdown jesus

there is a church not too far from my house. in 2004 the church spent $250,000 to build this 60 foot statue of jesus made out of fiberglass and foam in which they insured for about twice that amount by adding in the cost for time that was DONATED by artist to the project of building this big ass jesus. this church has become "famous" because of this big ass jesus they have. people come from all over the world to get a look at this big ass jesus and sit through a sermon in the church next to the big ass jesus.

last year there was a lightning storm here in my city. the right hand of the jesus statue was struck by the lightning and the big ass jesus quickly burned to the ground causing $700,000 in damages to the area.

considering the beLIEfs of many christians one would think after the right hand of god was struck by lightning that religious people would take this as a sign. maybe that god would not be on board with spending $250,000 on a big ass statue of jesus when there are countless other practical uses for money.
lets see -- there is starvation world wide, people are dying of diseases that have cures because of the value placed in money instead of life, all people do not have access to clean water, all people do not have access to shelter and the current system accepts and allows this. so if we accept and allow the current system, we accept and allow and give permission for these things to be. for a group of people that say the core message they operate from is 'love they neighbor as thy self', supporting a complete and utter deletion of this accepted and allowed system of abuse and an implementation of a system that supports life would be step one in actually living the message of 'love they neighbor as thy self'.

BUT NO! first thought was to rebuild the big ass jesus. and this new big ass jesus is planned to be even bigger than the last big ass jesus. the church is planning to spend between $300,000 and $700,000 on this new big ass jesus. this new big ass jesus will be made of non flammable material and also come equipt with a lightning suppression system. take that god! try and burn this one down..

here comes PETA to add manipulation to the mix. but this time they arent attempting to use sex to sell veganism. this time, its god. PETA offered to fund the rebuild of touchdown jesus under the CONdition that the church place the words 'blessed are the merciful. go vegan' clearly visible on the new big ass jesus. darlene bishop, a co-pastor at the church, said in response to the offer, "we're not interested. we raise cattle. we will never build a statue with the stipulation that we would have to advertise for PETA."

many are protesting the rebuild. the leadership from the church says that the statue was a symbol, not for worship. "its such a monument. its like, people know monroe by the statue of jesus. its important that we rebuild."- darlene bishop. there are many question to ask here. why, the fuck, is a $700,000 symbol needed at all? do we want this symbol to display superiority to other churches and get attention? are there other practical useful things that can be done with this $700,000? why are we all not taking steps to make big changes but settle within small changes that barely have an impact on the totality of the world? is the goal to make an impact, or make a big ass jesus? reality is being ignored here. which is actually very common within people in general. people are so caught up within their beLIEfs systems and 'my world's that the whole of this planet that we all live on is being disregarded and thoroughly abused.

the system WE accept and allow is one that accepts and allows the attrocities in this world to continue. lies, manipulation and the stepping on of others are all pre requisites within the current system. it is undeniable, the fuckedupness of this system if looked at with self honesty. only takes for each one of us to give a fuck about us as a WHOLE and do what is neccessary for ALL of us to live a life of dignity and respect. this is why i support an equal money system. a system that values life, always. not profit, ever. in an equal money system the ideas that promote the seperation of us as a WHOLE ( religion, competition, class, ideas of superiority/inferiority, the polarized existance, etc ) will be addressed and eradicated. as they do not support the WHOLE but only the mind of the part. that is why we currently sit and what others die of starvation. because our part feels comfy and fed. so we dont really worry about what the whole is going through. this self seperation it the cause of all issues in our world. people not seeing themselves in and as another. this is unacceptable for our oneness is present in fact.

investigate the equal money system. a system of 100% change. a change in our collective mentality and our collective world. www.equalmoney.org

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

the illusion and the reality

in our world, currently, we are taught to value the illusion. we prefer the lie over the truth. we prefer to view the part and disregard the whole. we look at the truth with fear and an unfamiliar eye. its really fucking sick when really looking at what this means within our everyday world. when we look at how this value we give to the illusion over reality actually manifest itself.
lets look at giving to charity for example. the starting point for people who give to charity is wanting to help. yes. but lets look at the WHOLE of it. not just that very small part in which to look at. people want to help but our current defintion of helping is within a self accepted limited definiton. we currently help within conditions and limitations. that is not real help. so we want to help but the definiton of help we are currently operating from, well sucks. we see that there is a huge issue, take starvation for example, and we want to help with that issue. instead of coming up with a solution to irradicate the issue we settke for feeding a village. in reality, that does nothing for the reasons starvation exist. that does nothing for the reasons we as beings think it is ok to sit and watch another die. that does nothing for the reasons familys are not able to eat. it simply feeds a village once that will continue to need charity to be fed because the root of the issue was never looked at. charity is a slick little fucking business. the main illusion about charity is the illusion that we are helping another. charity is actually very self interested when all the points of giving and helping and paths to change are looked at. say i give money every month to a charity that feeds children. in actuality whats being done is me making myself feel better every month about the fact that so many kids need to be fed. and by continuing to be okay with helping the few we disregard the many. me giving money every month does nothing for the reasons children need to be fed. but i rest in the illusion that i am helping kids when in reality, i would be just helping myself.
i use to give value to an illusion as i disregarded the reality of the whole in relation to watching porn. use to fucking love porn. would spend some entire days watching porn. would tell myself, " im not hurting anyone. its just porn. everyone has sex what is the big deal about looking at everyone have sex? watching porn doesnt harm anyone. " even after starting this process of realising myself and taking notice to the things i never cared to take notice to before i was still watching porn. a couple of months ago i told myself, no fucking more. everytime i thought about watching porn i made a point to consider porn as a WHOLE. not just the part in which im naked in front of a computer. so what is porn as a WHOLE? porn, in a word, is abuse. most women do not want to do porn. many of these women came from shity households with people that touched them as young girls or parents that never guided them into realising self worth or beings that never got the opportunity to do anything different or being that developed a 'no other choice' attitude because of the way many of our children are raised or beings that were forced or sold into the business. porn is more than pictures on a computer screen. many young girls around the world are forced to prostitute themselves. some sold by their parents into the abuse for lack of money. i mean, one has to really be without to sell their child to be abused and raped. but this happens. business men fly overseas to purchase little boys for sex. this happens. but all the while this WHOLE of porn was happening i would focus on my "small' part in it. which was getting off in front of a computer as i accepted and allowed abuse. so whenever i wanted to rest in the part id expand my view to the whole and see myself within it. that was it for me and the illusion of porn.
i showed my sister this video of what we do to pigs at pig farms. she didnt want to see it and i kind of forced her to watch it because she was so fearful and resistant. she damn near cried watching how we beat the pig babies and castrate them while they scream in pain and throw the little babies around like garbage bags. now she says that i ruined pork for her and she doesnt want to eat it. we were at chipotle the other day and she didnt get any meat in her food. i asked her why didnt she get meat. she says she still liked chicken but she didnt like the seasoning on chipotles chicken and that it sucked that she didnt like the seasoning on chipotles chicken because their chicken is free range chicken. meaning the chickens are allowed to walk around as they please in open space instead of being contained. meaning my sister would feel better about eating the meat of chipotle chickens because they are free range not seeing that this disregards the fact that we treat chickens, as a WHOLE, like shit. now my sister and many other people i know rest in the illusion that eating or valueing chipotle chicken is actually helping the issue of the abuse of chickens when in reality they are helping themselves to feel better about the abuse. not helping to stop the abuse. not eating meat or a certain type of meat does NOTHING for manifesting respect of animal beings in general. its an attempt to take self out of the equation of collective responsibility. which is impossible.

let us stop resting in comfort within our illusions. lets shake ourselves up. burst these delusional bubbles and let us get real.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

the man next door and the equal money system


my sister was taking me to work yesterday and we were passing my corner neighbors house and my sister says, u gotta see what hes doing now. our corner neighbor is always in his backyard. almost literally always back there. he has a garden back there to which he has built a frame around with wood so the vines and flowers can grow all around. he does fires, sing alongs with the guitar and he does whatever he can with wood. he has tables and chairs and benches made from tree trunks and various pieces of wood that look really cool. we turn the corner and i see this huge wooden..lol well thing. its being made for a shelter/patio area for his backyard. hes been working back there for a while on something and i turn the corner and see this thing :). my sis says, isnt that cool. of course i agreed. she says how its obvious that he works or has worked and saved since he is able to have this house for his family and cars and such but its really cool that he is able to do what he really enjoys doing. which is working with wood and with his hands. whenever we look or go outside, there he is doing something in the backyard. i metioned that in an equal money system people will not have to worry about if they are going to be able to eat or have somewhere to sleep or have clean water or have all around care. because in an equal money system life is valued. period. and what life needs life will get. so all people would be able to enjoy the resources that this earth has for us ALL. equally and respectfully. all people would be able to enjoy self expression without worry or fear of survival. i said to her, in an equal money system both our jobs would not exist and if they did they would not exist in the form they are in now. ( shes is a wine representative and sells wine to resturants. its a extremely stressful job they way they would like them to do it (underhanded, manipulative and forceful) and of course its all about profiting over people. i am a brand ambassador. i pretty much represent different companies at promotional events or festivals or samplings. i interact with all different types of people which i enjoy, but i basically convince people to buy shit by giving them shit and playing on different idea or emotions, in a nutshell.) i asked her, what would u do if this were in equal money system and u did not have to worry all the time about if u and my niece and my brother will eat or have some shelter to lay ur head or about money money money? she says, id love to paint all day long! she is an awesome artist. she draws and paints and her expression through her paintings is really cool. she likes to show the movement of that which she paints. for instance she would paint the color of the sway of wind a butterfly shes painted has just gone through. cool stuff. with her being pregnant and prepartion for everything that comes with creating a child and then having a child and immediately going back to the hustle of work has deleted her time for her self expression through art in place of survival. within an equal money system self expression will be encouraged. self expression that does so within the principles of oneness and equality and a respect for all as self. the rat race we currently live in will be no more. once the need to do whatever one has to to eat and keep cloths on ones back and a roof over ones head and clean water to drink and so and so forth is realised to be unneccessary if one is operating within what is best for all, then we can collectively birth life here in the physical. there will be work. but all will be able to work and contribute themselves fully. all are NOT able to work and contribute themselves fully within the current system. some have no opportunities at all the way we have accepted and allowed this world. this will change with the implementation of the equal money system.
i took a picture of my neighbor atop his expression. may not be able to tell in the picture, but hes smiling :)

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

cancer, bottle caps, limitation and the illusion of care


a few weeks ago i worked this event where we were trying to get kids interested in tennis. we had these courts set up and rackets that were smaller sized geared to the hands of children rather than a normal sized racket. we hit balls around with them and gave them pointers about tennis and stretching and just overall encouragement for the children in relation to tennis. this was a hot day so we had tons of water. the first thing i noticed showing up was that there were empty water bottles everywhere. i only worked back up the first day of the event meaning i show up and if i was needed i stay, if not i go. so the first day i went. upon showing up the second day to actually work i noticed the empty bottles. i assumed that we were giving these water bottles to the children and parents that came as well as the people working as to "why" there were so many empty water bottles everywhere. turns out the water bottles where just for BAs (brand ambassadors). it was as though no BA had put a water bottle in a trash can at all the whole first day. so after i was told that they were all ours, i went around and picked them all up while being looked at like i was crazy for doing so. we had a big set up in a parking lot and the BAs assumed it was ok to just throw the empty plastic water bottles on the ground for those that clean the lot to pick up when we had many trash cans surrounding the area of our set up. we wished to display the illusion of care for kids and their health in relation to getting out and getting involved in tennis (care with a self interested chaser) but could not care to put our trash in a trash can and show ALL AROUND, true, conditionless, limitless care for kids by taking care of the earth we bring them onto.
at the end of the day we were wrapping things up with paperwork and such and i look to the side and see this guy, a fellow BA, going through the trash cans and taking the bottle caps off of all of the empty water bottles. i went over and asked him why he was doing that. he said he had forgot that his wife told him to get all the bottle caps he could because there is a program that gives kids free chemotherapy for bottle caps that are brouught in. ~breathe~ now when he said this another BA near us hearing this was like "ohh thats so cool that they do that". ~breathe~..ok i honestly just wanted to scream and say "ARE WE FUCKING SERIOUS WITH THIS ILLUSION OF CARE BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!" i have to watch were anger tries to direct me. there are moments when i see injustice or people spouting bullshit or even myself about to or just subconsiously spout some bullshit and i just want to break down in tears lol. it really saddens me. not like im overwhelemed with guilt or anything. its just like, "really with this shit?!!?..damn.". but there is no action within reacting. so i had to breathe through that inital moment of sadness and anger at the situation and i said that it really suks that we have the ability to help people with cancer with chemotherapy but we make everything about profit instead of people. i said if we REALLY cared about people with cancer in a respect of life we would give them chemotherapy or whatever treatment they needed. period. the guy said, "yeah thats so true but every little bit helps." .. in actuality, every little bit does not help. its the manifestation of limitation. and this accepted limitation only breeds more limitation. thats why we accept that giving to a charity that helps a couple people is doing the "right" thing or practical thing. why we accept that doing a food drive that feeds a neighborhood of people actually does anything for reason starvation exist and stopping it. why we get excited at a program that says one child dying of cancer who brings in tons of water bottle caps should get more hours of chemo than another child dying of cancer who has no way of drinking clean water let along collecting water bottle caps. until we stop accepting limitaion as a way of life, all we do will be manifested from our self accept limitation.
i did some digging afterward and found out the 'caps for chemo' program was a hoax. there is so much misinformation out there and it says much about us that we would rather accept something as immediate truth when heard instead of investigating it. so now that guy spends his time collecting caps for no reason and feeling good about himself for what he considers helping. as a result of this accepted limitation within the definiton of helping and care, we accept and allow people with cancer to die everyday when we have the ability and resources to honestly help all of them. we accept and allow people to die everyday of starvation when we have the ability and resources to feed all of them. we accept and allow this by accepting and allowing a system that values profit over life. by accepting and allowing a system that makes a fixed game out of life. it is time we collectively/individually take steps to correct this point. and that begins with the implementation of a system that truley cares for life as a whole. the equal money system.
in an equal money system help, in regards to the needs of cancer patients, would be given conditionlessly to all that need it. period. it would no longer be about money or making people collect water bottle caps or jump through hoops to fucking live. life will no longer be the accepted survival game that it is now. there will be no losers or winners, worthys and unworthys. the value we currently give to life is disgusting. within an equal money system the respect of life as a whole is the bottom line from which all actions will stem from.

investigate the equal money system ~ www.equalmoney.org ~

Friday, September 9, 2011

breakfast with a fly


since i began to realise myself within oneness of all life and all that is here i have a different relationship with insects. i didnt have a fear of them before, but i also didnt have a care for them either. i wouldnt hesitate to pick up a shoe or any smashing object to kill a roach or fly or any insect really. in doing that i really disconnected myself for apart of myself as one and equal with what is here, which is other life known as insects. complete and utter superior attitude we have for everything, but specifically insects in this case for myself. so as i have become to realise myself as a part of all life, i see myself within the insects now. if there is one in the house, or whomevers house im in, i will go get something to swoop it up and take it outside. not from the starting point of a 'savior construct' but as a point of respect for the life within the insect being. and also accounting for the current fact that what people do in this instance, is robotically kill the insect that is in "our" space. theres been many a times that someone is going to find a shoe im and like, "relax, there is no need for that, lemme get a cup." i mean, its a simple as that. care is. my sister said to me one day some time ago, " damn when u really say ur gonna do something, u do it." i was getting a moth that was attracted to the light in the living room that my siblings wanted to smash. it was just what needed to be done. i would like to get to a point where ALL things that just need to be done are done within me as "easy" as realising respect for all insects. i was having a bowl of cereal with soy milk yesterday morning and a fly was landing on me :). it would sit on my knee and watch me eat or fly on the bowl and watch me eat. it hung out for a while as i ate my breakfast. i got down to the last bit of milk. my legs were crossed and the fly sat on my knee. i drank the milk but left a spoon of some. i put it down towards my knee and the fly came up into the spoon and drank some milk. it was really cool :) had breakfast with a fly :)


Wednesday, September 7, 2011



for a pig to be considered a suckling it must still be suckling. meaning the little one is still fed on its mothers milk. at no more than a month old (between the ages of 2 to 6 weeks), we rip these sucklings away from their mothers to kill it and eat it. this really shows the cruel nature that we have allowed of ourselves. its not the fact THAT we eat animals. its HOW we go about the shit that reveals the dismissive cruelty in us. even though we eat animals to live doesnt mean that we cannot support them to have a life of dignity up until that point where they support us. within an equal money system the basis for action is what is best for all. so there will be NO eating of sucklings. its cruel and unneccessary and unacceptable within what is best for all. all pigs will live a dignified life within and equal money system that supports a dignified life for ALL. not just human beings. all beings. we will no longer rip the young from its mother to feed our greed. cause thats what it is doing. not just "trying out a different form of pig". its more than that. its the unneccessary abuse of animals to create a "better" experience for ones self. all are not considered within that. the pig is not considered within that. i mean, would we want our child ripped from our arms at 2 weeks only to be killed for the amusement of someones ego?

this is a child. not a human child, but a child nonetheless..

Monday, September 5, 2011

there is a fungus among us

i was watching bizarre foods earlier today. the guy was in tiawan trying all kinds of local dishes. he had just finished eating at a place that cooked everything with different types of tea. even had deep fried tea leaves. they use different types of teas for differnt physcial ailments or to increase support to certain areas of the body. very interesting. but afterward the guy was taken to this store with all these dry roots and barks and leaves and all kinds of stuff. the guide tells him of some of the uses for certain things around and then leads him to a cabinet in the store. the guide opens the cabinet saying "u must see this". he pulls out a nicely packaged red and gold box and says "this may look like worms but its actually a fungus! its GREAT for the lungs! want to know how great?" the bizarre foods guy says, yes. the guide tells him," well, in american money one pound would cost u 8 thousand dollars." --- ok, so i have been looking to see if i could find information on this fungus and what it actually does for the lungs but i was not able. though i see that the point of 'making things that will help all and should be available to all only available to those with money' can still be looked at. say we find a fungus among us that has the capabilities to assist greatly in the restoration of lung function. instead of seeing the importance to the world as a whole we look at how we can profit from it. though the fungus will provide physical support to bodies, that point is disregarded in favor of how much money can be manipulated out of those bodies by holding death above our heads or the promise of a superior experience of ones self compared to other-selves. we have an outright price on life currently! im certain we are allowing people to die for things we have cures for if we allow people to die for lack of money to buy food. there really is no telling what we are capable of doing at this point because we accept and allow secrecy and greed and fear to direct us. food, clean water, shelter, health care, education, opportunity, access, THESE are rights. its fucking bullshit to see ourselves within this disrespect that we have for the physical.. and its such a clear point to see within our world. there is no debating its fact nor its unacceptability. money should NOT be the deciding factor on if someone lives or dies with dignity.

Sunday, September 4, 2011



i was talking to my brother and sister the other day about this post a friend of mine made on facebook. she posted a status saying to forgive her if she wasnt overly sensitive to the plight of those who just went through hurricane irene because when we went through hurricane andrew back in 1992 we were out of power for 3 months. i was saying how it was really crazy that we can go through something like we did in hurricane andrew all to create accept and allow superiority within ourselves because we lived through it. like we did anything really to deserve to live through it anymore than those who died did anything to deserve to die in it. many survivers of something feel that they are either in debted to something or owed something for surviving. its crazy how we attached these feelings to certain situations and how those feelings lead us to react in a certain matter when faced with similar emotion invoking situations. i was basically saying how the statement in the status is a disregard of life as a whole and disregarding of the care that one should have for another as one would like another to have for them. its a big 'fuck u' to those dealing with hurricane irene and a 'dont even try it' to anyone in any future hurricanes that dont meet the death toll and power outtage time of hurricane andrew for which my friends care, in situations of a hurricane, is dependent on the andrew comparison. my brother jumps in saying, "thats the thing. that is HER opinion. u cant tell someone what to think or feel. people are entitled to their own opinion." i had to take a moment to consider this statement.. i said to him, well lets look at opinions as a whole. not just her opinion to not care for beings that have not been through what she had been through, but all opinions. some peoples opinion is that it is ok/cool/acceptable to molest children. some peoples opinion is that it is ok/cool/acceptable to murder someone they dont like. some peoples opinion is that it is ok/cool/acceptable to treat another like worthless garbage. some peoples opinion is that its ok/cool/acceptable to beat baby seals to death with a bat. some peoples opinion is that its ok/cool/acceptable to rape and beat on a woman. in actuality, everyone is NOT entitled to their own fucking opinion. cause all of our "own opinions" are fucking abusive. we accept and allow the "everyones entitled to their own opinon" bullshit without even considering what an opinion is and the possibilities and actualities that are 'peoples opinions'. opinions create seperation between self and others as well as provide fuel to the ego. for one can always find self at the top of all statements that contain the words 'in my opinion'. fuck "my opinon" about something. what are the facts about said thing. what is verifyable without anyones self interest as a basis. opinions are not needed within equality. because all are doing what is best for all. in everything, all are considering what is best for all. that requires no ones opinion.

Saturday, January 15, 2011


so working at this place again has been a interesting experience. i havent worked here since 2008. when i worked there before i was smoking cigs all the time and i was addicted to caffiene. i mean, at that point i wasnt taking responsibility for myself and my body and my sleep and my wake and many other things. so rain sleet or snow every break or lunch i was outside smoking like a chimney. and every morning i got coffee and every lunch a dew. dew has the most caff in it i was told. so i used that and coffee to get me through working this 3rd shift job where i am up when i would "normally" be sleep. so now that i have been off cigs and the caff for months now the experience is quite different. its funny, i stopped these things within myself by myself but i was not able to truely realize myself within smoking cigs and drinking the caff all the time until i am stopped and see me as i was in other people. as they rush by me during our set in stone 15 min breaks or 30 min lunches, i see them as me and literally see how i disregarded all around me to get what i felt i NEEDED. and then how i bitched about how "unbareable" the conditions outside were (too cold/too hot) but id deal for a drag or three of a cig. that nicotine "fix" that i was willing to do much for. and then the caff/coffee. i mean, fuck. this is the greatest form of a legal acceptable "drug" if i ever seen one. i see many i work with drink at lease 3 cups in our 8 hour shift and 1 cup before the shift even starts. i get to literally see how i disregaded my responsibility for myself by accepting the idea that i cannot get through a 3rd shift without tons of coffee. if i did not get my coffee even if i was not tired id manifest the experience for myself. i allowed coffee to direct me instead of directing myself. and i see many doing that now that i am stepped back and seeing others as myself. there is an huge office building across from the square where all the buses pick up. a fifth third bank building. and in that building is a dunkin donuts. i went in to keep warm while i waited for my bus to go home. its about 8am so as im ending my day most are starting theirs. i watched many many people come from outside to get coffee or donuts and many many many people coming down from everywhere within the building money in hand looking like they NEEDED this coffee to get them through the day. if they day had enjoyment, it began with coffee. bopping up and down in line waiting. i remember being a "regular" at this place. now , the last time i walked into this building i was rushing in with three dollars in hand and the words "plain bagle with cream cheese and a large coffee" spilling out of my mouth. i use to run in here at the risk of missing my bus and not making it to work on time (either ur on time or ur not there at this job). i use to scrounge those three dollars on top of what i pay for bus fare and i did it feeling like it HAD to be done "or else". i had such great fear of falling asleep at work. if u fall asleep u are fired. that is it. a girl actually got fired today for sleeping. she slept yesterday and they gave her a second chance. she slept today and they made an announcement that we are not to sleep ever here. she fell asleep again and they told her to leave. now before when i worked here, there were no second chances. so i was in constant fear that i would fall asleep and lose my jjob so i created this "crazed coffee drinking, mountain dew devouring, quick smoking coocoo woman". now, i am able to see myself as i was, as we are. i try to be straight forward with people but not ...pushy i guess the word is. when someone sneezes at work everyone in singsongs "bless u". i ask aloud "why? why do we all say bless u?". no one wanted to touch that one. one guy who i had been having a common sense conversation goes " because that what we were taught to say by our parents when someone sneezes". i said now thats an honest answer and the only reason. "bless u" doesnt actually DO anything. or i heard two neighbors i was sitting next to having a converstation about random bullshit. then they started to talk about religion and i joined in. one was a christian and he was speaking about jesus and god and adam and eve and i was pointing out blatent inconsistencies in the stories and the idea of whos interpretation the bible is. showed that none of us follow the simple principle of -love thy neighbor as thy self- consistantly. and that is the most simple of points jesus tried to make while here. he agreed with my points. i starting talking about religions in general and how similar the points of seperation are. he mentioned something about terrorist and killing people and i told him that however christianity is the only religion in which u can be shitty ur entire life, rob, kill,cheat, rape, torture and then right before death accept jesus into ur heart and go to heaven. i asked him what sense did that make. he looked surprised and said true. i have gained this stigma, not a bad stigma or good stigma, as the girl who goes THERE lol. a new girl asked me for my advice. he father had just died a couple days ago and the funeral was today. at our job we are able to miss two days then we are fired. she already missed one because of an issue with the bus not being on time. and she would have to miss friday and saturday to go to another state for the funeral. there was her, myself and two or three other girls there. she asked what she should do. the other girls told her that she should go to the funeral no matter what, its her father, u'll regret it if u dont, and all this other stuff. i was quiet while they stated why she should go. then she asked, what do u think tree. i said, "well.." and they other girls go, "here she goes" and they laugh. i smiled and continued on to tell her that if she needs this job to assist and support herself then she should not miss days and get fired. point blank. her father wouldnt want her to compromise her life to look at his death. we all experience death but we can let it take us or let it go. i told her her father inst going to give a shit if she comes or not and shit like that is no longer his concern anyway. she said she understood. but she went anyway.