stifling, discouragement and selective assistance

i really enjoy dance :)

self expression in general and in many different forms, but dance in particular. there are so many different ways to explore space and move the human physical form. so its really cool to watch parts of the whole of expression, express themselves :).

there is a show that i have been watching for years called 'so you think you can dance'.

its about dancers that come from all around the world to compete on this show to win a dance contract and of course, some money. throughout the show they dig into many of the peoples lives a bit and give context to the starting point of much of the expression that is being expressed as dance. which is cool.

now there are people who come to audition who many would say "cant dance". dance is really just movement when broken down. and movement is expression and expression is pretty fucking beautiful :)

when people "cannot dance" on this show they are not broken down. i have seen when someone is deliberately acting a fool to get attention from a tv show and they are called out on it. but the people are not made a fool if they are not a technical dancer. there was a dancer who came to audition who commented that he was upset with the way the show acted. he did not like that they enjoyed themselves with people who "couldnt dance" and let them perform their self expression. and that it was in insult to "real dancers". this was obviously the ego of a disconnected being who thought their self expression was in some way above the expression of others. its a shame that we beat one another down in order to build self up. this is not movement. this is not self appreciation. this is chaos.

we toss people aside often. this is a point i noticed within the show 'biggest loser'.

this show capitalizes on the downfall of our collective health as people. it makes weight loss an elitist circle. makes saving the life of an obviously unhealthy body into a game. it first gets many people who are unhealthily over weight together. then it makes these people compete to even be on the show to get what they consider "help that they all need". they make these people compete and apparently whoever "wants it" (< to be on the show ) more will get to get the help.

okay, i understand the importance of self movement and being the will that moves our physical bodies that creates the physical world. i understand that we are use to competition as "the way we move" and "from where we move" for a very long time. i understand that we have built importance and need around our idea of reward/punishment. 'do this good enough, get that. dont do this good enough, dont get that.'

what i dont understand is the fact that we are overlooking the point that ALL these fucking people need help. and it is displayed that we clearly see that ALL these fucking people need help. why not simply HELP ALL THESE FUCKING PEOPLE GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER SO THEY CAN SUPPORT THEMSELVES PERIOD? make that what this what this whole oopla is about.

and then many people say, "well people would not want to PAY to see someone who could not sing or could not dance or is not being followed around by a camera but losing weight." self expression, enjoyment, happiness, health - we make all thing dependent on money. having it, keeping it, getting it, using it.. the money motivator is one that should be dug unto for ones self to self honestly see what is actually within this point of money. which are seeds of greed and self interest and of course, fear.

to investigate bringing money to a point which reflects a core of oneness and equality and consideration for all life >www.equalmoney.org

..just not enough money

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY PEOPLE!!!

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that all beings are able to eat food in order to stay alive once they are born

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that all beings have access to clean water to drink

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that all students have a way to and from school

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that our definition of 'education' is one that takes all into consideration and is not selective and dependent on money and profit

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that all children have access to care givers that give true care

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that we have an adequate number of teachers to teach our youth

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that all beings are clothed

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that all have access to all the great abundance of resources the earth provides us

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that in our process of life here that we respect all beings

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that the 'within' of each being is taken care of first and foremost because we collectively manifest the 'without'

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that all can be trusted with life in every form

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that all are guaranteed education not dependent and subject to the profit motives of self interest

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that all animals will be treated with the same respect and dignity we would want ourselves extended

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that all children born into this world are guaranteed a dignified life

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that we know the importance of self responsibility and a collective oneness within all that is here

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that all beings being brought into this world are being brought into a world that is compassionate caring and considerate as a starting point

THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO... assure that all beings are able be trusted with life

theres just not enough fucking money?...

this shows that we value money more than life. as we have accepted and allowed and manifested an existence where money dictates whether u live or die- eat or starve- work or beg- can play this game we have made out of life or are played by this game we have made out of life. money is not how we trade and achieve mutual benefit as many hold as a core "purpose" of money. in actuality its action and movement that is the real act of trading to achieve what is best for all. not money. this idea of importance we give money is simply that. and idea. this cotton (money) means so much to us mentally that we have traded life for the glorification of an idea over life. our collective movement is not dependent on valuing money. its dependent on valuing life.

what if these things, which we can all see the collective importance in, were not dependent on money.. if life, not money, was the value from which action and movement was based.. where all do not come into this world striving to capitalize on all others here.. where support is the foundation that will be found at birth til death.. where growth, learning, fun and support all intertwine together..

investigate--> www.equalmoney.org

senate bill 310

i was watching the 'ohio channel' where the ohio house of representatives were discussing senate bill 310. senate bill 310 would regulate the ownership of a list of certain wild animals, monkeys and snakes. there are currently no regulations in ohio and there has been much fear generated from an situation that happened in zanesville ohio NOT practical consideration to do whats best by animals period and people period. a man in zanesville who had acquired many wild animals one day released them all and killed himself. this lead to the "need" to kill these animals as a result because the fear of what these animals would do. so the bill would require that wild animals be recorded, counted and easily located. the bill would also require current wild animals owners to obtain a permit and maintain liability insurance for their animals.

there were people speaking for and against the bill and stating reasons for their decision. one of the speakers who was against the bill listed a reason that stuck out to me.

the reason was that the bill discriminated against the poor.

he said that people without the money to pay for all these regulations that were being imposed by this bill and all the permits that were being required by this bill would not be able to keep their animals.

i found this particularly interesting because if that was a reason to NOT pass a bill then no bill should currently be passed at all. ALL we do and conduct as 'us' here discriminates against the poor. and thats really clear to see.

if u do not have enough money, u do not get to have a roof over ur head.

if u do not have enough money, u do not get to buy food to stay alive.

if u do not have enough money, u do not get access to an education.

if u do not have enough money, u do not get access to clean water.

if u do not have enough money, u do not get the dignified life that those with money are able to have.

we have shaped life, in totality, to discriminate against the poor. and its interesting that this point is not addressed at its core but then we try to use this point as fluff for our reindeer games here. all the while COMPLETELY MISSING what this point actually means coming out of our mouths. this point of money and our equation of it to power and purpose and movement and ability. we have made life dependent on money. and with this we stifle life as money, like all things, is not equal here currently.

the bill passed..

investigate--> www.equalmoney.org

consequences, emotion, realisations, self support, walking

its been a trying couple of days for myself. dealing with tons of shit and having to realise that being emotional and reacting within emotion actually does nothing. and this is a true statement though many may mention the "realease" that one feels after a good cry or after a fight feeling as though something we dealt with however that is not the practical way to deal with anything and what needs to be dealt with, within dealing this way, is actual disregarded in favor of doing something that makes self feel better. its actually unnecessary if one is walking constantly. being emotional when faced with hard times is kinda like a cop-out/ a 'woe is tree'/a give up. its like saying "i give up because i dont feel i can walk through this situation so instead i will sit here and be emotional about it". its kinda selfish really, getting emotional. and goes back to the beginning point i had to face through these trying couple of days. abdication of responsibility... hellboy died. when he first came into the house he was not "my fish". i didnt see him as "my fish". and in that 'hes not mine' mind i did not take full responsibility for him. though i could see that responsibility was needed with him, because i had not made him "mine" in my head (mind fuckery) yet. i did not walk within responsibility for this being because this being was not "mine". this is a big point within our world i realised. there are many things we need to take collective responsibility for in which we do not because we see these things as not "my problem". so all these things that we see as not "my problem" (the starvation of someone else or someone elses children, the rape of someone else or someone elses children, the abuse of someone else or someone elses children, war, etc..) have consequences if they are not dealt with practically. hence, the world. we dont feel we should or even that we can take responsibility for them. because we have not mentally attached the problem to ourselves. which is a mind fuck because wether we mentally attach the problem to ourselves or not, we are still the constant. our collective abdication of responsibility in the world is a direct reflection of the abdication of responsibility within each one of us. so because of my abdication of responsibility for hellboy, i did not deal with the cleaning of his little tank at first. i would feed him, but not take full responsibility for him as a whole. by the time i actually mentally decided to make him "mine" the consequences of by abdication of responsibility were already on their way within the physical (which moves and continues its support without goodness, badness, or judgement--so supportive, the physical. blog to come on how supportive the physical just being the physical is). all those weeks of not taking responsibility for his tank water and researching how to properly take care of a beta fish were still here even though i had recently considered my responsibility through the mental connection of "mine". there is no escaping responsibility. so in the morning i went to feed hellboy and he had this gray film all over his body and he was moving sluggish. his water was clear and clean but he looked terrible. i took him out of the water and called the pet store. i told them what was going on and they asked if his tank was clean. to which i said yes. they informed me that if you put food in a beta tank and the fish does not eat the food within 5 minutes we should take the food out of the tank because the food grows bacteria and its deposited within the water and the fish is constantly in the water so the bacteria is deposited within the fish. this physically manifest fungus on the fish. she said they sell drops that u can add to the water to help the fish. i called my sister and told her hellboy wasnt doing very good and needed this drops to help him. she said she would take me to get them when she got off work as i was watching my niece at home. throughout the day he got worst and worst til he took his last breath. by the time the fungus manifested physically it was too late. the consequences for my abdication of responsibility for this life was already here......

right after hellboy died (before i had a look at myself within it) my little sister called and told me that she joined the army. i did not take this well. knowing that my sister does not like war or superiority or authority or being made to feel inferior i knew that this was about money. and i called her out on that. she says money is not the main reason and spouted out some shit that was spouted out to her from a recruiter about security and setting up life for her and her future children. i told her was is fucking ignorant and that she has many other options but shes taking this "easy" route because of the money they are promising her and shes not considering that she could be sent to fight and die. she says she could die right now. yes, but that does not mean u should go play in traffic. looking at this in relation to myself i see that i recall when i was approached with the "opportunity" to join the army. my roomate and i at the time wasnt making much money at our amazon.com factor job so we were about to join the army. the recruiter made promises and said what he could do for me and my life. i had just found desteni and jack and was at a pretty crazy place in my process but ultimately i could not do something like that for money... my sister wanted to end the conversation with the manipulative 'i love u?' to which i did not want to sugar coat reality with that emotional goodbye. after ten minutes of overwhelming tears i had to look at myself within this all. i was actually disappointed with my sister. disappointed that she was taking what is seen as an "easy way" in life, instead of facing her laziness and fear of survival. i realised i was judging her (in relation to what i did and apparent made the idea in my head that its the same thing she should have done) instead of supporting her. and supporting her did not necessarily mean saying "great! u joined the army, ur going to get money. thats awesome ur doing something with ur life". i was just telling her how bullshit the decision was and how i was not going to support it. not realising i can support the sister without supporting the decision. and this is something i have to realise in relation to my facebook which i have been accepting and allowing to get to me. half my facebook is destonians or the awakening which is fucking awesome. the links they post, comments, likes-- its all supportive. and then half my facebook is fuckery which fucking suks. the links, comments and likes these people post are straight fucking bullshit. and i have to see myself within this as well. i was a fuckery supporter for many many many many years. so even if these fuckers are showing me what i myself supported for so long they are showing me something in relation to myself and the oneness that is all of us. and i can support the fuckers without supporting the fuckery.

then i come home from orientation at my new job, third job (ba, nanny, *factory work), to find out my brother and sister(brothers gf) broke up. the brother and sister that just had a baby together four months ago. he told me he cheated on her. i told him he was on some complete fucking bullshit. he says he knows and he didnt mean for it to happen or to hurt her. our world is paved with "good intentions"... anyway i asked him if he was going to fight for her. he said he doesnt deserve to have her and he doesnt expect her to forgive him. i mentioned that my ex was not willing to deal with our bullshit with me either. and as he could see we are not partners anymore. i left to go and get my car title and tags and when i got back he had already moved out. ugh, now this was something i definitely had to bring back to myself. i have only had one boyfriend in my 28 years. my ex. and i did not cheat on him. but if uve read my blog u know that i have been apart of others cheating before. which,in actuality, means that i have assisted and supported and accepted and allowed cheating. which is, ive realised, unacceptable in any form. its grown from lies, deception, abdication of responsibility and disrespect of another person. all of which are at the forefront of much fuckery and bullshit in our world as a whole. within participating with cheating, whether its my cheating or anothers cheating, we accept and allow cheating to exist in the world. and i am aware that within a competition capitalistic based society someone will always want to cheat, compete and capitalize on another. more the reason why the implementation of another system that does not support this shit should be investigated. because our current system REQUIRES bullshit. u cannot NOT participate within the bullshit because its sprinkled all through our current system. an equal money system would support us to realise ourselves as equal to life. and realise the only thing that has value here is life. so we can weed out all this bullshit that is not supportive to us/the world at all.

and i continue to walk..