"it may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. we are like eggs at present. and you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. we must be hatched or go bad. " -c.s. lewis

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


so i am working now. got a job at a call center. doing sales. swindling people into buying things that im sure i can point out a "benefit as it relates to the person", (thats what the pay me to say) but swindling all the same. its all for the sales. its all for the sales check. its all for the money. to assist and support self at the moment requires i have money. welcome to my way. things with the boyfriend are "getting better". i am trying to compromise more. really just compromising myself. i think. goddammit. being at this job is really taking me away from me.i feel kinda bombarded with the world. the slowing down of things is a lot more difficult now having to interact with people like i do. people fucking suck. i fucking suck. working where i do just allows me to again live how shicety and fucked the world is. working at any job is the same way for me...i am not being completely honest with myself lately. i am so confused about what honesty is anymore...and breathing isnt helping.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

self forgiveness-picking myself

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pick myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as vanity.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to exist as life in every moment.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself based on the perseptions of others.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from others.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my self as "below" others because of my physical appearance.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to correlate what i see when i look in the mirror and success.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowiong myself to exist as beauty.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as ugly.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see picking as a solution to a problem.
i forgive msyelf for accepting and allowing myself to see the reflection in the mirror as a problem.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the reflection in the mirror as real.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see picking myself as fixing myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame because i have pimples.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ugly because i have pimples.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my face.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my face.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry about the way i look.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pick every sore or scab on my body.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breath and direct self in every moment.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be one within and as my physical body.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a slave to advertisments.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go to school for four years to learn how to make people feel sorry for themselves.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see me going to school as being successful when it was simply following suit.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop participation in the school system long before i did.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about going back to finish my marketing degree in order to please those around me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think the way to relate to those around me is to please them.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to relate to those around me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others as better than myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in separation from others.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others.

on the verge...

i hate myself right now. yeah. damn. i am existing as self hate..creating self love somewhere. supporting this shity polarity design. not standing up for self for all for life as oneness an equality. just had an impromptu convo with the boyfriend. he stirs up so much anger in me. its like here i am here i am, there i go and anger remains. whenever we talk its like his main goal is to prove me wrong. that is his only goal. picking at things. trying to break down this "new person" i am "becoming". finding new ways to ask the same questions that have already been answered. after talking of existing as fear and superiority and inferiority instead of life in its true form, m inus the fluff(the bullshit) he asks, how can i not exist as life if i am living. stupidity fucking pisses me off. i think that is why our conversations turn to arguments and i just have to walk away from it all. ( which is funny cause that is what must happen in its entirty for me to be practical about my process. i must walk away from it all.) i mean dont get me wrong, i am fucking stupid sometimes. hell, i pick my face. stupid. i exist in anger. also stupid. i dont stand as self as all as life in every moment. again, stupid. but its seems that i judge others more than i judge myself. i let the stupidity in myself be within and as me and attempt to transend the mind fuck of such stupidity. but the stupidity of others i have no tolerance for lol. its a mind fuck of separation from self really. cause he is me and i am him. he is bringing up something within myself i have not yet looked at. i told him he should go on the forum and ask questions. he says he does not want to talk to those people. and he does not want to join the group. i fucking hate it hate it hate it when people refer to deseteni as a group in which to belong or not belong to. serious. fucking stop it. desteni does not qualify as a group to me. a group to me is a body in which one can belong or not belong to. in the group or out of the gorup. that is not the case with desteni. that are people. people in a house. people in a house on a farm. people in a house on a farm in south africa. people in a house on a farm in south africa who are in process. plain and simple. they are people. thats it. not some religions in which to belong to. not some group in which to belong to. and for real for real my love, they dont want ur ass! they arent the army like, 'we want u!" no. sorry. ur not special. i asked him, do masons believe in god? he says no and that they actually dont speak of god or gods or BE LIE-fs. he says the only requirement is that u must believe that there is something out there. so i say oh okay. so u have to participate in the polarity design of the bullshit world in the sense of "superiority" and "inferiority". he is like no not at all. he says u just have to believe something out that. that they arent allowed to talk about the beliefs. im like so they just gotta make sure at the beginning of being a mason, that u have BE LIE-fs to begin with. he says basically u cannot be an atheist and a mason. so u cant NOT support the idea that there is something above u and u are below something. u have to support it. there has to be something out there greater than self to be a mason. he says no. and tried to reword it. i told him u can sprinkle sugar on shit, but its still shit. he asks, is the sugar not still sugar. i say no. its shit. when common sense in introduced to stupidity it is a train wreck. he asked have i shared my views with anyone else. im already angry at this point. at the blatent stupidity and unwillingness to see common sense. at the attack of common sense with stupidity as a weapon. i said yeah i have. he asks, and what do they say about it? i ask him what does it matter what they say? so u can continue to follow the majority instead of thinking for urself? what do u say? hes basically is having trouble REALizing that people are full of shit. life (as we have tainted it) is full of shit. then he takes it back to us. cause thats all that matters to him. he says he shows interest becasue it means so much to me. and i mean so much to him. and he loves me thats why he wants to "make this work" despite our differences and blach blah blah blah balha ablah blah. geez...i tell him this is why we will not work. the way we see life is too different. he is not supporting my process. and hes like why are u judging me? i asks what do u mean i am judging u? he says u r punishing me by saying we are gonna give up on us because of this. i tell him, baby, i am not punishing u. i am deciding not to participate in dishonesty and honor life. life not fears. life not god. life not worry. life not shame. life not superiority. life not dishonesty. life not love. life. oh im the crazy bitch tonight :)....

its crazy cause he will never leave me. no matter how "crazy" i sound and act and talk about life. his mindfuck of love its so strong within him. he never really got it growing up. never found it within his exs who were equally as fucked up as him. his mind fuck of aquiring things and achieving shit and succeeding in what the fuck ever has also attributed to this "i cant be without her love". now i have created the falsehood of a realtionship by following suit to being within one myself. i never had a relationship before him. what the fuck was i doing falling into one in the first place? lots of dishonesty within me regarding this realtionship. adding on more as i go on and on within the relationship...... if i left him right now, this moment, i would be ass out. so my relationship is my way of currently assisting and supporting myself. attributing to this "i cant be without his love/money". i need a new fucking way...

Thursday, October 1, 2009

the conversation

sooo ive been thinking about what joseph commented on 'the pills' entry. about me talking to the boyfriend. asking him to go into an agreement. it was on my mind all day. we were laying in bed and i dont even know how we got on the topic of life. now the boyfriend, he is a ex catholic mason who doesnt know if there is a god or if there isnt one and doesnt believe one should go either way because of the chance chance chaaance he kept saying, that one may be wrong...geez.. he questions and questions but doesnt accept any answer. i start talking about my existance as anger. how i dont not wish to exist as anger so when i do its kind of crazy. he ask me why i say existing as anger and not being angry. i had to take a moment and breath. because when i speak to my boyfriend it is very difficult to be honest when i have existed as such dishonesty for so long. i get nervous and upset. so i breathed away the nerves and began to speak. it was all just coming out. i had to slow it down to make sure i was still as i was speaking. clear. talked of emotions and polarity and life in its true form minus the bullshit, equality and oneness as all with all. he said who will u be when this is done? after ur process? because he wants to know if that is someone he should be with. i told him that is something he is going to have to figure out himself. he knows where i am at and he sees me going and he is scared. he asked how i could say that i love him but then say i dont wish to exist as love. i explained the polarity of love creating its opposite, hate and stopping participation in both and i told him i am in process. he actually said that he thinks he is already there. that he doesnt separate himself from other people. i almost stopped breathing. ya right. i brought up the moment that he and i were at a bagel place in embrace and the workers where arab. they took our order then began speaking in another language. he says, out fucking loud, fucking arabs need to not be speaking that shit, something about this being america. so he said this to me,yet loud enough for them to hear by far. i release our embrace and am standing their in disgust. this wasnt the first time he had pulled some, i hate people that arent americans, bullshit. we argued about that one for a while after that. he said he is my man and i should always stand by him. he took me stopping the embrace as me not standing by him. and he was fucking correct. i told him i am not standing by him when he is being a jackass. i am not that and i will not stand for it. i cant participate in that shit. some things u just say til fucking here. no fucking futher. not enough things. but yeah, i brought up that point and do u know what he said to me? if anything he was existing as oneness by wanting them to act accordingly cause this is america and we speak english here.....what the fuck. bold faced separation. no responsibility taken. we went away from that one and spoke more about stopping. i told him i didnt have all the answers. i am also in process. (i am not in process he says. ...idk) i tell him there is somewhere he can go to read more material on this. because i do not have all the answers and i am not here to convince him. he was coming at me like he wanted me to know all. as if he were questioning god or some bullshit. when i told him i didnt know it all and did not want to convince him he says, then ur leaving me behind. fuck. i told him if his quesitons were actually about wanting to discover self as life and not about proving me wrong, then he wouldnt mind exploring himself and figuring it out for himself. he says he tried to go on the site but he says its all speaking in riddles and its pretty much a religion. (this isnt the first time we have spoken about this) before i even spoke of self forgiveness he says, okay. so i understand about getting to oneness and equality, but what do u do once u get there? with no desires or a desire to do anything. thats whats getting me, he says. i am dumb founded almost speechless i ask him so, let me get this straight, u understand why emotions and desires and fears and all that bullshit is fueling and manifesting the world around us due to our acceptance and participation in the bullshit AND u understand why one would want to stop all participation in them to bring life to its true form of oneness and equality....but ur worried about what ur gonna do when we get there? without ur desires? yes, he says. isnt that some sort of oyxmoron? u get it, but u dont get it, but u dont want to find out, u want to be told. just like wether or not he wants to be with me. he wont firgure that out. i told him i would leave if thats what he wanted me to do. he says that is not what he wants. but thats cause he is afraid to be without me. instead of deleting the fear he becomes it. his fear of being alone is fueling this relationship from his side. that and the sex. he thinks sex is make all break all. many a fights over sex with us two. but thats a whole other blog...

he is not honest because i am not honest. he is mirror me. showing me to myself. as i am him. i dont know if i should just stop this shit all together. let us go our processes. i think we are both so in love with our lie. its just not practical.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

the pills

the boyfriend and i have been fighting a lot lately. its cause this whole deal with us is so dishonest it makes me sick half the time. its like im silent throught the bullshit cause i just dont know what to do. then when im not silent, im really not silent :). ive been attempting not to exist as anger. doing a pretty good job. i have my times. as we all do. but i am not one and equal to anger. anger is not real. and i know this. so when i decided to act and exist in andas anger then its intense. because its not me. who i am. thats where my boyfriend is all fucked up. he says that the birth control pills i am on is what makes me angry and shit. no. its us. him. me. this bullshit we call relating to one another in this relationshit. so when i am me, as i truely am, then go from there to pissed the fuck off and crazy angry i can see where he may think im "moody" or there is some outside forced making me this way. i can see that because he doesnt think that we are responsible for ourselves and the bullshit we do. he'd rather blame it on some outside shit. same bullshit as the reason people believe in god. fucking stupid shit really. so we argued. i told him hes a pussy. and using the pills as a cop out instead of facing the fact that the issue is us. not the fucking pills. its like going around in circles and circles and circles and circles and circles. its so old. sometimes i am okay in my happy little illusion of us and this happy couple and all that glitzy bullshit. but because the red pill has already been taken, there aint to going back from self and realization. so then i get in my "right mind" and get a bit down on myself for the sharaid and the dishonesty. i get down on myself for not trying enough to make him into someone i can be with and support and have support from. then i realize. i cannot change him. as much as id fucking like to. i cant. i cant make him see. and that suks. and to be completely 100% about it, i dont know what would happen to be if i left him. i have no where else to go. so that is more dishonesty. some of the reason i stay with him, knowing we are not good for each others process at all, is i dont drive to get out and make money and have lots. i mean i want things. still dealing with my bullshit desires. but i dont want to do life the way people do life. i dont like it. never fucking have. but that boils down to i must assist and support myself. right now. this is the way. its that and the fact that i do have love for him. i know that love is not what i want to exist as either. but how does one tell a boyfriend that lol. i cant make him see. all i am doing is making him crazy. maybe thats his way of assisting and supporting himself. having me around to shake him up. that is not the way i see it. but practicality supports self. wether self likes it or not. so its not me. and its not him. its the pills. im thinking i will agree to switch birth control. but then the pills excuse cannot be used when things stay the same. and they will. i am not blind. its has been this way in a "different measure" since we have been together. i started the dishonesty. i am responsible. when will i stop being a fucking punk and stand? til here. no further.

Monday, September 21, 2009

9 years ago today

sooo its been 9 years since my mother died unexpectedly. i am a completely different person than i was at the 6 years since mark. i understand a lot more. i stand more. i am not sad today. like every other sepetember 21st since she died. i am not thinking about the events that transpired 9 years ago today. i am not holding onto and being a slave to the past like i usually am on this day. i am o fucking kay :) which is awesome. i have had issues with the death of my mother for so so sososososososo long now. its nice to not have to hold onto anger and guilt and regret and shame and all the other bullshit emotions i linked to my mothers death. hell, she is me and and am her. if i wish to speak with her, i speak with myself. wow. i just realized that i dont miss her. i mean, fuck. :) my personal possession issue is being transcended. i use to always feel like i had to keep everyone i have ever met with my somehow someway. wether its always keeping in touch or always thinking about or holding onto memories. its getting better. i am stopping. i appreciate myself for accepting and allowing myself to not shy away from this process.

..and there was a baby born today :). caiden. poor thing has no clue what is in store for him. i like babies. i think its pretty fucking cool that they just came from where we all came from and go back to. like JUST came from there. thats awesome :)

no picking

sooo its been a couple of days since i stopped. the first day was okay. i mean. as okay as okay can be i guess. this picking of mine is so ingrained into me. its so subconscious its sick. i'll be going about my day and i will realize that my hand is on my face or rubbing over my face. i just did it now. lol it really does make me laugh because i have literally let this habit become who i am. i barely have anything to do with it anymore. its like something u put on auto debit or something like that. and u forget about it. but its still auto debiting. i picked three or four times yesterday. sigularly picked single things. my body is a playground for pickage so 3 or 4 aint bad. i would find myself rubbing a sore over and over telling myself to breathe and not give in to the bullshit. my hand is like a child that tries its parents patience. the child is doing something its not supposed to. the parent tells the child "dont u do that". the child reaches the hand a bit more toward the "no no". the parent tells the child "dont u do that". the child reaches a bit more. its like my hand keeps fucking trying me! lol i tell it to do one thing and it asks me "u sure i cant do this?" i honestly feel like a crack addict that is trying to kick it cold turkey. that is how much i have fucked myself within this whole picking issue. it is literally like withdrawal. i have not "gone to town" in the least bit with the picking. usually i am in my face and all over my body picking all fucking day. now im at the point where i am just touching what i want to pick, but not picking it. i need to be able to have the things (sores, scratches, scrapes, pimples) there, and just not fucking care. completely stop. easier said than done but i am doing this. why wait? i told my boyfriend i was done with picking. i can tell he doesnt really believe me. he has this issue with him biting his fingers. not finger nails (cause the mother fucker has none). fingers. he bites around his none existant nails almost (i say almost cause my picking gives any habit a run for its money) as much as i pick my body. i know that it is him eating away at self. refusing to let self grow because he really doesnt like himself. but that is just crazy tree desteni shit let him tell it. i was freaking a bit yesterday, remember i am a drug addict right now, and i see him biting. i tell him he should stop too. he says its different with me because mine causes problems. yes, my habit is so "bad" that i have picked myself bloody on many many many many fucking occasions. i have also see blood on his fingers also from being bitten when there is nothing to fucking bite. projection. people project their bullshit onto others when they are afraid to really look at self. this cycle is so fucking shitty. all our bullshit, the more i learn about it, is really laughable. its laughable how inslaves we are by habits, fear, desires, hopes, religion. and i mean its OBVIOUS! fucking obvious! yet we make excuses to why it cant be so. this mind fuck is bigger than many realize. everyday i realize it more and more. and i still dont grasp it all and completely stop EVERYTHING.... breathe. i am going to get through and transcend this habit. and all the others. wether now or later. its getting fucking done.

Friday, September 18, 2009

My looks

growing up i never felt "pretty enough" or that i "looked good enough". i remember always being self conscious. there was this one time one of my older sisters friends came over and he completely fell "in love" (infatuation) with me. i remember it making me "feel good" about myself. what ever the fuck that means. going to school at the beginning of highschool was tough for me. i always felt i looked wierd. kinda like a boy. not feminine attractive. not girly pretty like the rest of the girls. i wore long jackets to cover my arms and pants to cover my legs and gym shoes to cover my feet and toes. living in saga bay across from all that water and woods there were a lot of mosquitos. they bit me all over. i scratched all over. as a result my legs and arms were covered in scars. im sure they looked worst to me and the way i have become to judge myself only made it worst. i was always in the mirror. checking. checking to make sure there was not something on my face or checking to make sure i looked as okay as i could make myself look. time went on and i "grew up". slowly but surely people began to show that they were okay with the way i looked. i started getting attention (sexual attention) from males. and i started recieving the okay from females. i eventually dropped the jackets and brought out the boobs. left the pants behind and brought out the legs. ditched the gym shoes and painted the toes. now i was, am still fucked inside. im self conscious to "no end". i pick at my face and body constantly. any pimple, scratch, scrap i get rid of. i judge myself based on flawed belief of sight and vision and perfection. and its such a mind fuck cause i pick because of the way i percieve my flaws, but my flaws are the BECAUSE I PICK lol. its so fucking stupid. the cycle. i fuck myself! my dad has always done his part to help keep my mindfuck going. everytime he would see me he was get this sad look on his face like "aww baby. ur face!" cause of all the picking and pimples. and i mean everytime he had a chance to look at my face! so im like thanks dad! u think im hedious. thats great. he'd always try and implament the next break through treatment for pimples and breakouts. he has no clue that he is apart of the catalyst. i tried to tell him once, in a bout of in security and anger, that he shuns my face everytime he sees in and im already self conscious enough to have the judgments coming from me and him of all people was not helping. he said some shit like im crazy and hes my father and is trying to help. but no lie. utter disgust and sadness he displayed in his "daddy way" everytime he saw my face. it made him more sad than me it seems. people around me(besides my boyfriend because, well hes my boyfriend and he knows a lot more about me than i allow others to, andbesides my best friend heather, and besides a couple of my sisters and brothers) dont know how self conscious i am. i guess i hide it. i mean, i pick at myself even when im around other people ( its so second nature at this point as i have allowed myself to become one and equal to it) but they dont know the jist of it. i have this fucked up view about the way i should look on the outside. some sort of vanity. the only reason i am okay with the way i look is because everyone else in the world seems to be. the boys like it. the girls like it. i dont like it, but who am i to go against what everyone else sees. when i told my friend heather she was completley taken back. to her im fucking beautiful. to her im a fucking model. i do not see me like that. at all. lol its funny really. but not so much because it has shaped my world. i am always in the mirror. looking to see if anything is out of place or needs to be picked. lol its funny when i see it written down. its like, HELLO! am i serious with this shit? its sad. i need to stand. while im sitting here fucking picking....

if i told myself i was done today. no more picking. no matter the circumstances. no resisting . just no more accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my insecurity. would that entail not using anymore of my acne shit? life is not equal to self consciousness. i am not equal to self consciousness. i am life. as i truely am. my true self. the breath. i need to get this shit together. no more waiting. this is something that can only be done now. this moment. i stop.