the conversation

sooo ive been thinking about what joseph commented on 'the pills' entry. about me talking to the boyfriend. asking him to go into an agreement. it was on my mind all day. we were laying in bed and i dont even know how we got on the topic of life. now the boyfriend, he is a ex catholic mason who doesnt know if there is a god or if there isnt one and doesnt believe one should go either way because of the chance chance chaaance he kept saying, that one may be wrong...geez.. he questions and questions but doesnt accept any answer. i start talking about my existance as anger. how i dont not wish to exist as anger so when i do its kind of crazy. he ask me why i say existing as anger and not being angry. i had to take a moment and breath. because when i speak to my boyfriend it is very difficult to be honest when i have existed as such dishonesty for so long. i get nervous and upset. so i breathed away the nerves and began to speak. it was all just coming out. i had to slow it down to make sure i was still as i was speaking. clear. talked of emotions and polarity and life in its true form minus the bullshit, equality and oneness as all with all. he said who will u be when this is done? after ur process? because he wants to know if that is someone he should be with. i told him that is something he is going to have to figure out himself. he knows where i am at and he sees me going and he is scared. he asked how i could say that i love him but then say i dont wish to exist as love. i explained the polarity of love creating its opposite, hate and stopping participation in both and i told him i am in process. he actually said that he thinks he is already there. that he doesnt separate himself from other people. i almost stopped breathing. ya right. i brought up the moment that he and i were at a bagel place in embrace and the workers where arab. they took our order then began speaking in another language. he says, out fucking loud, fucking arabs need to not be speaking that shit, something about this being america. so he said this to me,yet loud enough for them to hear by far. i release our embrace and am standing their in disgust. this wasnt the first time he had pulled some, i hate people that arent americans, bullshit. we argued about that one for a while after that. he said he is my man and i should always stand by him. he took me stopping the embrace as me not standing by him. and he was fucking correct. i told him i am not standing by him when he is being a jackass. i am not that and i will not stand for it. i cant participate in that shit. some things u just say til fucking here. no fucking futher. not enough things. but yeah, i brought up that point and do u know what he said to me? if anything he was existing as oneness by wanting them to act accordingly cause this is america and we speak english here.....what the fuck. bold faced separation. no responsibility taken. we went away from that one and spoke more about stopping. i told him i didnt have all the answers. i am also in process. (i am not in process he says. ...idk) i tell him there is somewhere he can go to read more material on this. because i do not have all the answers and i am not here to convince him. he was coming at me like he wanted me to know all. as if he were questioning god or some bullshit. when i told him i didnt know it all and did not want to convince him he says, then ur leaving me behind. fuck. i told him if his quesitons were actually about wanting to discover self as life and not about proving me wrong, then he wouldnt mind exploring himself and figuring it out for himself. he says he tried to go on the site but he says its all speaking in riddles and its pretty much a religion. (this isnt the first time we have spoken about this) before i even spoke of self forgiveness he says, okay. so i understand about getting to oneness and equality, but what do u do once u get there? with no desires or a desire to do anything. thats whats getting me, he says. i am dumb founded almost speechless i ask him so, let me get this straight, u understand why emotions and desires and fears and all that bullshit is fueling and manifesting the world around us due to our acceptance and participation in the bullshit AND u understand why one would want to stop all participation in them to bring life to its true form of oneness and equality....but ur worried about what ur gonna do when we get there? without ur desires? yes, he says. isnt that some sort of oyxmoron? u get it, but u dont get it, but u dont want to find out, u want to be told. just like wether or not he wants to be with me. he wont firgure that out. i told him i would leave if thats what he wanted me to do. he says that is not what he wants. but thats cause he is afraid to be without me. instead of deleting the fear he becomes it. his fear of being alone is fueling this relationship from his side. that and the sex. he thinks sex is make all break all. many a fights over sex with us two. but thats a whole other blog...

he is not honest because i am not honest. he is mirror me. showing me to myself. as i am him. i dont know if i should just stop this shit all together. let us go our processes. i think we are both so in love with our lie. its just not practical.