"it may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. we are like eggs at present. and you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. we must be hatched or go bad. " -c.s. lewis

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

point of desire/acceptance

so i have been dealing with this point for a while. desire. desire to know why. desire to be accepted. desire to understand. desire to be understood. desire for approval. this point is coming up again realising that many people have me blocked on facebook. desteni people. when i realised that one person had blocked me i went into this cycle of, "whatever" then "come on, seriously?" then "what the fuck?!" then "ok. i cant see u, u cant see me either. block back!" then the realisations came.. "stop the seperation. an eye for an eye is the epitome of ignorance. who r u to judge anyone else in their process? who r u to "look down" on someone because u dont "like" what they have done? who r u to seek actions of revenge on someone? if u deem someone else "unworthy" then u deem urself "unworthy" ". and i stopped that "revenge blocking" bullshit. all these points of desire are coming up realising there are a good number of people that have me blocked. desire to know why i am being blocked. desire to know why i am being seperated. desire to be accepted by these people. desire to understand what makes someone would feel they needed to block me. desire for approval from these people. and i think this point goes a lot deeper within me. root tree... ok i have always had this "thing" about not wanting to let people go. always wanting to keep every single "friend" ive ever had. every single "lover" i have ever had. most of the men ive ever had sex with i still talk to or could reconnect with with ease. ( im digging into the sex relationship point. i already know the flowers. getting to the roots is where self honesty needs complete deletion of self deception) most of the friends ive ever had are still around. and if they arent its most likely not cause we have stopped "being friends". ive always felt comfort in the idea that i didnt really get rid of people. i think the root of that is the fact that my dad left us and moved away when he couldnt find work where we were. i created a resentment of him that. i felt betrayed and pushed aside. i carried that resentment with me into highschool. where i had a friend that meant THE WORLD to me and she ended up leaving me when she got a boyfriend. its funny cause neither my father nor this friend LITERALLY left me. i was left by them both emotionally. and that fucked me. i accepted and allowed myself to fuck myself. fucking emotions. and i created this "thing" about not wanted to let anyone go. ever lol. wow. ok.so cool this point is brought up. its all a bunch of bullshit. desire in and of itself. cause i know that desire is useless. its actions that move things into manifestation. not desires. desire as u may, desire as u might. what r u going to DO about it?. i need to focus on my process. continue to get my shit sorted out. not worry or desire to know why the next person is doing what the fuck they are doing. but stay focused here on my process. if i feel judged by someone it is actually me judging myself. if i seek approval from someone it is actually me seeking approval from myself. if i feel someone is seperating me, its actually me existing in seperation.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in seperation.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that anything put towards another MUST be brought back to self. every time.
i forgive myself for aceepting and allowing myself to create this idea of comfort in keeping.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this idea that its "better" to keep every emotionally charged connection.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that anything but ME can "make" me feel rejected.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, in every moment, that i am the controller of that which i experience within me.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to shift blame to self responsibility.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait to write about this point abling myself to uncover the root.
i forgive myself for accpeting and allowing myself to carry resentment towards my father.
i forgive myself for accepeting and allowing myself to carry resentment towards my "bestfriend".
i forgive myself for accpeting and allowing myself to ignore this point of resentment towards my father and friend because this point has presented its self before and was ignored by not existing, in every moment, in self honesty. ignoring is ignorance.

Friday, December 24, 2010

rooting for the root

so marlen has helped to open me up and let me see that i must go deeper in the points i deal with. so in looking at points from now on i will not focus so much on that which has come forth but from where it came. the root of the point. when a baby is searching for food or trying to eat (support themselves) they root for it. the boob. they search for it. rooting. so i shift my focus from the flowers to the roots.

in looking at the root of the point of laziness i see that i created/accepted/allowed this idea that laziness "works" "good enough". what i saw around me were people not really trying, but they were still able to "get by". or if they were trying their hardest, as in the case of my mother, they still werent able to "get a leg up" and live life full. it was all just "getting by". what i saw growing up was that living was fucking hard as fuck. i saw my mother and father struggle. uncles and aunts struggling. i created this idea of "why even fucking try". i didnt feel like we did enough. enough for one another. enough for the world. but the way i saw people participating in the world through the media and the examples i had of those around me helped me to created this pedestal in which i placed the idea of being lazy or "getting something for nothing". my parents were not 9 to 5ers. my dad grew and sold weed growing up and we "got by". my mom worked as a midwife delivering babies at our home growing up. expected mothers would stay with us many days while giving birth on their own time. but because of who she was i dont think she ever charged anyone. she enjoyed doing the work because she enjoyed doing the work. period. but that selflessness was not "good enough" for the world. it didnt work in the world we live in. she couldnt keep that selflessness going and also support herself and her children. i dont think she ever thought of it that way though. my dad quit growing and selling weed but couldnt find a job and moved away. then my mother found her own way of "getting by". worked when she could where she could. gave 100% of herself but still was only able to "get by". and that was barely. i remember my oldest sister was going through shit with school and life and focusing. decided she was going away to job corps. a place that is supposed to be school and job training. i thought of it as a college. it was a "big deal" in my eyes. well she went away and came back a slightly different person. she was in a gang and dressed different and talked differnt. people saw her as cool. i recall thinking that she went off to do something but ended up doing nothing really and now shes in a gang and shes cool and doing nothing. and its "working" for her. lead me to shape this idea of laziness "working". and laziness as what people do. i had a couple of points of "crazy" at age 13 or so. i use to think so much itd give me bad headachs. just think and think. about every situation i was in, everyone around me, too much shit. sometimes i couldnt stop the thoughts and shit. itd make me feel crazy. one intense time i wrote it all out that was going on in me while it was going on in me. i was in a daze cause i really didnt feel like it was me writing when i was writing it. read it over after i had "calmed down". it was insane ramblings. felt like i was going crazy. i was afraid of myself as i was when i couldnt stop my thoughts and mind. i told myself after that, that i would not care about things so much. that caring too much made u go crazy in this world. that id just lay back. be easy. just "get by" to never have to face myself as i was that day. to never have to face that "craziness" in me. to never have to face all the bullshit within me. to never have to face the 'oh please. fuck u' the world would give me if i tried too hard (cause of the idea i created that try as u may try as might, they world doesnt fucking care and will chew u up and spit u out). to never have to face that ugly side of myself/us/the world. i created this idea that just "getting by" was ok with me. that i was ok with it. school fueled this point of laziness because it was so "easy" for me to be lazy within all that had to do with school because i didnt have to try to "get by". so "just getting by" was what i did. point of laziness = fear of facing self (fear of full potential). k cool. the root.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing the idea that laziness "works".
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing the idea that "getting by" was "good enough" for me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing the created idea that all people are "just getting by".
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself based on what i saw people participating in in the media.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself based on what my parents experienced.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself based on my judgements of that which i saw around me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the outside to influence my inside.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my "crazy" on the fact that i cared too much.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing my created idea to make me feel its ok to not care.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my sisters experience at job corps helping to create the idea that laziness and "getting by" was "cool".
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the idea that people would see me as "cool" if i didnt try but still "got by".
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing the creation of this personality of a lazy person.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that in creating this personality of a lazy person i allowed it to influence every part of the experience of myself so far.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that creating an idea based on another experiene is not directing self its being directed.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing my judgement of an experience to direct me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing judgement within me.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that things must be lived or else they are simply information.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this idea of laziness in which accepted and allowed based on what someone else had lived.
i forgive myseld for not accepting and allowing myself to see that this point of laziness is fear of facing myself and all that i have accepted and allowed.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that in fearing myself, i fear the world.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that in facing myself, i face the world in turn.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see me as seperate from the world.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that this created idea of laziness helped me to feel seperate from the world even though i accepted and allowed it based on my thinking that it is what everyone was doing in the world.
i forgive myslef for not accepting and allowing myself to see that i created this idea of laziness to not have to address the fear of myself.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that i created this idea of laziness to not have to address the fear of the world.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create limitation within me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to willingly exist within limitation.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on the world.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this idea of laziness becasue i fear my full potential.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

self forgiveness

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel wronged.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel right.
i forgive mysefl for not accepting and allowing myself to see me in every situation.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see me in every moment.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see me in every word spoken from anothers lips.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from another.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing within myself judgements of racist peoople.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that all is learned.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that blame is useless.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that all are to "blame".
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the emotions of a victim.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that i am not only the victim, but the abuser in turn.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from mason and how they act.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that masons are simply another group of people existing in a mind fuck of superiority.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see myself within the masons.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to keep in mind that all are in processs wether they know it or not.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the process of another.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my own process.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that my ex will not change.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that in thinking my exd will not change is actually me thinking i will not change.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see all sides one moment, but only mine another.
i forgive myself fot not accepting and allowing consistancy within myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the process of others.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own process.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to change another.
i forgive myself for not accpeting and allowing myself to see the desire to change another is the desire to change myself.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the desire to do something doesnt get something done.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that to get something done, i must simply DO it.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that hoping and desiring is not movement.
i forgive myself for nto accepting and allowing myself to see that hope doesnt get something done.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that hoping something will happen or hoping something will change is the same as believe in miracles.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that magic things dont just happen.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use hope and wishes to fix how people relate to one another.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself though the same shit over and over.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see what i was trying to show myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the personality of 'tree. the girl who doesnt do relationships' 'tree. the black girl who likes white boys' 'tree. the girl know it all''tree. the girl u cant tell nothing to' 'tree. little mrs. defensive' 'tree. little mrs. cantbewrong' 'tree. mrs. fix it' 'tree. the rebel girl' 'tree. goes against the grain'.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create these other people to which i could hop into the persona of.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say my ex did "this" to me or "that" to me. not realising in every moment consistantly that i am the controller of that which i experience within me.
i forgive myself fot accepting and allowing myself to blame my ex.
i forgive myelf for not accepting and allowing myself to see that in shooting blame to my ex, it is actually me who i blame.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myelf to see in every moment consistantly that what i see in others, what i view of the world are all reflections of me.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see in every moment that all i see in another, experience from another is that which i see and experience from me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow someone to use my process to hurt me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear of being seen as insane.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear of being called insane.
i forgive myself for accpeting and allowing fear of being an outcast. no seeing that i already was an outcast. that we are all outcast. sitting on the outside of real life.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see in every moment consistantly that since i have realised my process i have made changes that matter to the world as a whole.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see in every moment consistantly that i am the change. so change will not come from anywhere but right here.

do not wait for forgiveness. give it to urself. move the fuck on.

fucking myself terribly

experiencing a lot of shame right now. its not guilt. more like woe is me for letting this all happen. had the craziest experience last night. all of which i brought on myself. talking to my ex on chat. he asks if i had been with anyone since him. i told the truth and said yes. he flips out on me. cant believe i wouldnt fuck him but would fuck someone else. says he was trying to get back with me while i was fucking someone else. funny. since he began to fuck someone else very soon after our break up. she recently died in her sleep. took me 6 months to be with another. but he was fueled with anger and self pity. started going the fuck off..saying he hopes i used protection with all the shit i gave him (i said of course i did. i was with an ex who gave me a fucking std so yeah. i dont play the unwrapped shit anymore.) talking shit about the guy though he doesnt know him at all. says he gave up so much to be with me. gave up going to lodge and being with his racist masonic friends to be with me. and that the people in the neighborhood we lived in were racist and he had to "deal" with that. people looking down on him for being with the poor worthless black girl. and that he had to sacrifice giving up all these racist people in his life all to be with me. he really just saw me as the black pussy experience. liked the idea of sticking his cock in me whenever he wanted, but not really giving a partnership a go. he wanted to fuck me, but keep all the racist down looking shit going in his life. resented me for being who i am (the black aspect and the way i view life aspect. caring for all. loving all the same. he says he hates that i love that way.) though he thought that shit he was giving me was love. gets pissed that i tell him it was not. and that he never loved me at all. he says he sees all the desteni shit and reads my "insane" blog. i told him i actually listen when he speaks and i know he reads my shit and knows he goes on the site. that doesnt concern me. the point is to expose self and self bullshit. he never changed his life for equality. he knew about desteni but never did a fucking thing about it. but be pissed at me for wanting to change shit and throw desteni in my face to try and hurt me. we got into a fight once while we were toghether. we were upset at one another. probably because of his 'sex is god' attitude and refusing to hear me. not talking about what should have been. he had/has serious anger issues. rage issues. the rage he has in him makes him blind. hes a differnt person when he gets like that. he has torn up the house before in a fit of rage. he has cursed out and raged at old men while blocking them in a corner unable to get away before. any one or anything really. beat the shit out of a car. but yeah, he was pissed already and we got home from being at the mall. we were throwing a holloween party the next day. his friend was standing there waiting. the alarm was going off in the kitchen. i thought he was going to get it, he thought i was going to get it, he was freaking about it taking too long and the cops coming. finally got turned off. he got in my face and said something rude and threatening then walked away. my hands were filled with bags and my purse. rage or not, being threatened or not, i was not afraid of him. i said, yeah u need to walk away cause i will kick ur fucking ass. he didnt like that. grabbed me around my neck with his hand and started to choke me. i look at his friend and his hands were in his pockets like he was watching a fucking film above our heads. not even looking at what was happening in front of him. when we had gotten into bad verbal fights before his friends have talked to me. saying thats just how he is, hes always been that way, he thinks cause he makes so much money he can do and say whatever he wants, u should see how he treated the girls before u, ur lucky, blah blah bullshit. but they all stay "on his team" never saying a word agaisnt the obvious bullshit of it all. so i figured, okay this fuck is not going to help me. i dropped everything in my hands and proceeded to beat the shit out of my boyfriend. i mean this was a real fight. broken necklace, being thrown up agaisnt a wall. i have never put up hands with a boy before. but we went at it. ended up dislocating his shoulder and hes screaming at me that im crazy and why did i do that and all this fucking jazz. disregarding the fact that he tried to choke a girl holding tons of bags and defensless. or so he thought. i didnt even leave him after this. during this chat converstation he says, oh and my friend didnt do anything that night cause u were fucking crazy insane for no reason. okay. the whole wanting to be around the racist and pissed that he couldnt being with me pissed me off (i never knew he felt THAT way about the whole me being black thing), then this choking cherry on top set me off completely. i knew he never really like me. resented me for not making money like he did. resented me for being black. resented that he couldnt be with his mason friends cause i didnt like what they were about. i never told him he couldnt but i displayed my dislike for the way they viewed other people and their desire for control and power. it was mostly about his infatuation with the black girl experience. the black pussy he had never had. he had never even talked to a black girl before me. i use to try not to be with white men who had never been with a black woman before. the black experiementers i use to call them. told this to one and he says its not a black experiment, its a black experience. that sounded to me like its not toMAYto its toMAto. i found it was all about the thrill for them. not about the person. but with my ex i pushed a ton of myself aside to attempt to be with him. i never wanted to be in a relationship. i hated how men and women related to one another. all that shit i pushed aside slowly said "um tree. u cant forget what u already know". who i am, the things i cared about never mattered to him. he has tons of naked pictures of me. hes in arizona right now. i told him we are meeting up as soon as he gets back in town. i dont mind being seen naked. im honestly fine with my naked body. i enjoy being naked. wouldnt mind if people saw these pictures of my nakedness. but i want them deleted from his phone. point blank fucking period. why does he want to look at pictures of the insane bitch who kept him from his racist friends for these years. to re-live the dishonest black experience/experiement whatever. fuck that. i have pictures of my own. and he knows this. he was there. we did a little freaky shit while together. we will get together and delete all his from his phone and all mine from my computer. im done with this. im done trying. im done wanting to fix shit. im done hoping things change. im done wanting this to change. i hate feeling vindictive. feeling like i need to defend myself. went to bed feeling like shit. realising how he felt about me being black. realising how he felt about not getting to be around his racist mason friends. i never met his father the whole time we were together becasue im black and he was afraid his dad would write him out of the will. this shit went to sleep with me. and so i dreamt. in this dream i was the observer of all and the experiencer of all. all at the same time. it was intense. in the dream this guy was talkign to this other guy about how he wanted this black girl dead. he was pissed at her. she had hurt him. i felt the hurt within him. he felt justified in decided to have this black girl killed. he,i, planned and plotted this killing. he got a friend to do it for him. the friend was full of anger, but sadness at the same time. he both want to do and didnt want to do what he knew he was going to do. while experienceing this dream i knew that i would have to be all people. experience all parts. and i was afraid. i knew that i, the observer/experiencer would have to die. it wasnt death that i was afraid of. it was having to experience and view the act of my dying and also do the killing. from all angels nonetheless. so the guy gets teh girl to come over. i am as the friend waiting in the stairs for the girl, me, to come. the friend didnt want to do what he was about to do, but felt that he had to do it. and he was okay with the fact that he had to do it, though he didnt want to. the girl was afraid. she didnt know what to expect from this meeting. she felt that her boyfriend (the guy who asked his friend to kill her) was crazy and she didnt trust him and this meeting. the friend grabs her and drags her down the stairs. now being both observer and experiencer was really fucking intense while this was going on. being pulled from one position to the other. oen perspective to the other. not missing a beat when it comes to the experience of all in the dream. fuck. the friend takes the girl down the steps and proceeds to beat the shit out of her. in his mind he thinks, "this is what i have to do. i am helping a friend. this is okay." we were at some kind of apartment complex and there were tons of people around. watching the friend(a male), me, beat the shit out of the girl. also me. and its fucked cause i felt how the people around watching felt also. i felt rage, like a sporting event excitement, cheering on the beating, happy to see this happening to this black girl, she must have deserved it, get her! i felt from the girls perspective, on the ground, being watched, feeling helpless, tons of sadness, a bit of acceptance. as the friend kicked the girl a ton more times i think a cop made him stop and go away. but they left the girl there. and she, i, died. i woke up. it had been almost exactly 6 hours from when i went to sleep. body clock alarm woke me up. and wanted to cry. and i did. all that emotion in the dream still lingered when i woke. so upset i had let this whole thing with me ex get to THIS point within me. im done fucking myself. self forgiveness to come, i just dont even know where to start right now...

Friday, December 17, 2010


got a start date today! so excited. i start on the 3rd of january. havent heard back from the second job as of yet. if i do get this other job i will have three jobs in total. one thrid shift, one first shift and one sporatic. the 3rd shift job is at usbanks government lockbox doing data entry. $11/hour. we basically input the governments tax information. im pretty sufficient at typing and my 10key has been pretty fucking fast inthe past. havent done this job in about 2 years but i use to work here before. the first shift job would be taking orders over the phone for someones catalog. $9/hour. i havent done this type of job before. order taking. seems simply enough. and i dont have to swindle anyone into buying shit they dont need. they already know what they dont need and they are calling me to put their orders in lol. the sporatic job is as a brand ambassador. i have done this job for about 5 years. i basically represent companies at differnt events and promotions. i have represented different beers and liquors, the company axe, shell gas station, krogers. pretty much whatever company is having an event or promo. this job is easy. i get to choose when i work, where i work, if i want to work inthe first place. i get to interact with differnt types of people. we dont sell anything. always giving shit away. incentives or coupons to the product of whatever company i represent that day. sometimes i can make pretty good money doing this job, other times there just arent events. during the winter is a bit less promotions going on. so that fueled my laziness. id work when there was work and say fuck it when it wasnt. seeing as i had a roof over my head i wasnt paying for and food in my belly i also wasnt paying for. i have recently in the past couple months starting paying $100 a month to my bro and sis. i was a little pissy for about a minute upon finding out that id have to start paying (and it wasnt like "u have to or else!" it was like "we need u to") but that was deleted upon noticing. i am happy to help out around here. i clean a ton ( i enjoy cleaning :)) help out with the dogs, cook occasionally. the living situation is pretty cool here. it works to an extent. and if i was continuing to be rested in my laziness i would stay here. my brother and sister dont want me to leave. im a helper. i like to help. i enjoy kids and dont mind cleaning. but being here is fuel for my laziness. and they allow me being here to both help and hinder their own personal processes. my sis and i area alike in many ways. think similar. so if my brother is on some ignorant shit, we both call him out on it and it comes off as ganging up on him. so i dont hop on sides anymore. and she doesnt address his ignorance. so he doesnt address his ignorance. she feels better about speaking her truth when i am around because she gets strength from me and can also piggy back off me. and i like to help so im a bit of a two( ok 75:) centser sometimes. this is keeping her from realising herself and fully being the support for herself and being the fuel to find her voice in every situtation. and it doesnt seem like they talk about all the things they should be talking about within a partnership. and i see me being her as help to keep that going. they dont feel like they can talk about things cause im around. or they talk quietly without full expression and investigation because of worry about me being there. so me being here is helping and me leaving will be helping just as equally. equality rocks! i feel i need to build support for myself that can be maintained myself. i have had apartments in the past. but none alone. always had a roomate. some kind of a buffer. a helper. someone to lean on. so moving out on my own will be supportive in the aspect of being able to fully assist and support myself in every way. and i havent done that at all fully in the past. so this will be interesting.


so i decided to change the amount of sleep i was getting. in connection to the point of laziness. first night following this was cool. slept the 6 hours. got directly up went to the bathroom put on cloths then chaka and i went for a walk. its really snowy outside being winter and all. i really enjoyed the walk as did chaka. shes a little thing but has no hangups at all about the snow or being wet or cold. she pounces in and burys her whole head in snow banks just for the fun of it. and shes eats the ice chips and balls of snow out of her fur when we come in. shes so cool. no pun intended :). i wondered if dogs feel cold as we feel cold. because if is step bare foot into a snow pile, im gonna feel the chill. but chaka can run and throw her whole fucking body in a snow pile, and get up to do it 5 more times. but one of the dogs i live with doesnt really like the snow. finnegan. he goes to do his business then barks and barks and barks to be let back in. his fur is patchy and short and hes old so that may account for why he feels it more than chaka. but ive come to see that as finn just being bitchy when he wants to be bitchy. his ego probably. and i have experienced that animals can have egos. oh yes. wether they are learned or reflections or what im not sure. but ive seen em. especially being around finn. but i say its his bitchyness cause i have seen him take off in the snow some days. not showing any regard for the fact that all his paws are submerged in snow. just enjoying himself and not bitching about it. so yeah. interesting. one thing that i have noticed, and its been there and always happened but never really made notice of it, is that everyone believes chaka to be a boy dog. every since i have gotten her its , "hes so cute" "whats his name" "look at him". no one that meets or sees a picture of her asks or assumes that she is a girl. they go straight to boy. it doesnt bother me in the least. when they ask a question about my "boy dog" i respond with an answer about her. i say "shes is a cutie right" or "her name is chaka" or whatever. im never like, "OMG shes a girl!!" lol but it never fails. chaka is asexual lol. she doesnt give a shit so i dont give a shit. yesterday mid day like 2pm i was so tired. i dont take naps. but i really felt like my body needed to lay the fuck down. so i did. set my alarm for an hour. ended up sleeping for 3. woke up at 5 feeling a bit better but sluggish. got up. prepared dinner to be cooked and waited to hear from my brother that hes coming home to being the cooking. while watching a movie a little later on with my bro and sis i felt my period coming. now realisign where that need for sleep mid day came from. it was like...shit. ive never attempted to explain the feeling of this system activating. it was like, not pain, but uncomfortabliity. felt like activation lol. didnt feel "good" but it wasnt pain either. i dont take any pills. so i breathed through. by the end of the movie it was fully active. the uncomfortablity was much at this point. uncomfortability is the only was i can put this into words. i know pain from periods. i spent many years manifesting dibilitating experiences when it came to my period. this was not like that. i thankfully dont manifest that experience anymore. i went and laid down and didnt wake up until 930 in the morning. i went to sleep at 12pm or so. thats the most i have slept in a looong time. many months. i didnt judge myself for it. got up. went to the bathroom. put on cloths and chaka and i went for a walk. we had a great time as usual. i made a cup of tea then sat to write this.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


so i have four brothers and four sisters. big family. like i said in the previous i was the first to go to college and i was like the "meal ticket" the "smart child". we didnt have much money growing up. we were on welfare. food stamps. assitance. there were times when we did not have food at all. but it when i look at it now its not like "woe is me". but there was a point while going through it that i was very angry and resentful of our situation. always thinking of ways that III could make money to at least make MY situation a little bit better. i was an extrememly selfish child. bratty but respectful if that makes sense. never talked back or yelled or cursed at my mom. that didnt fly with us. but the brattiness was in full effect. i really resented those connatations put on me because there was so many of us but this expectation was of me and no one else. its like all before me were given up on in terms of being a money maker. so i resented the lables put on me. which was why it was so easy for me to decide that i was done with school. armed with laziness and a resentment of money and making money. now this point of school. one part of me says go back. finish the marketing degree. dont have a fucking clue what id practically do with the fucking thing. my father, grandmother, probably a couple sisters and brothers are dissappointed in me for not finishing my degree. and with my father it really shows. i fuckedupedly want his approval for some reason. **need to dive into this "daddy point" ** another part of me would really enjoy going to law school. law has always interested me but i was in a different mindset when i decided to go for marketing. id like to change the legal system. bust it wide open with some common sense and equality. someone i know is in law school. reading her study books is like, very cool. the actually me part of me says i cant afford either of them. and thats keeping it 100% practical. i have tons of bills, student loads, credit cards( i learned in school about business and accounting but never learned about the bullshit and swindles of credit cards), hospital bills(almost died once*. tons of bills from that. slit my finger open once really bad. ditto) all of which im totally okay dying with. but these things hinder me. well, they will if i allow them. these are things we allow to hinder us. no excuses anymore. dont now about the point about school though. i am currently paying on my student loans. not all of them (there are many. my mother died my senior year and my dad well**that a point in itself, so i had to get tons of loans to even be able to go to college.) so once i get this one taken care of i'll move on to the next. with getting these jobs i will be able to take care of more bills. i have to be sure not to spend all my money paying off bills though. ill do what i can. i still have to support myself. im not sure where i will be the most effective. creative arts/using creative abilities/new cycle of creative activity all came up in the reading a couple times. this came off to me as artist or something. i do not have artistic abilities. i really had a desire to know what this meant though. maybe i'll grab a paper and pencil and see what pops up LOL.
but school is the major point of this laziness within me. it being easy to me and not having to try. so i had time to be lazy. be in school for laziness or enjoyment of social shit. when i found desteni back in 2008 i dived head first into internal laziness. i didnt do shit back then. i worked a bit. but mostly watched videos all day long. didnt go out much, no tv for like 4 or 5 months at all, no forum participation. just me and jack lol. this was a crazy form of laziness. which lead to a great depression (lol great depression) within me. i was fucked in the head from too much videos and too little action (the laziness). almost killed myself. didnt want to face, well my face. i was seeing what was going on without realising i am the solution to whats going on cause i collectively accepted and allowed the creation and continuation of all this shit. ive become so comfortable in my laziness. i barely see me wrapping myself in the blanket of it when i do. i stop this laziness within me. SF on laziness to come.


so the point of laziness has presented itself within me. and to be honest it really hurts me to realise this point within myself. i think its because i have brushed over or looked past the point so much its overflowing calling for attention. i did a tarot reading that really kicked my ass last night. i basically bitched myself out in the form of 17 cards and told myself exactly how it was. opened myself up and layed me out on the bed. it wasnt pretty. but it was honest. so im addressing this point of laziness to begin with. i will take on this point fully. so as to not leave any trace of this shit within me. the point of ' doesnt plan ' came up in the reading. so i am taking that into consideration as well. im taking an hour from the amount that i sleep starting tonight. from 7 hours to 6 hours. no more. maybe less. and upon getting up each morning, chaka and i will take a walk. i never really considered myself lazy, but im thinking that just goes to show the dept of my self delusion. its fucked. i breathe. one point fully at a time. so laziness. i think this point formulated with me initally because of school. school for me was a cake walk. i never really tried in school. and when i didnt try and still got good grades i adopted this "i dont need to try" attitude. and to a point that is true, but when it manifest this all around laziness and unwillingness to give 100% of myself is when i see, okay i have to try to not be how ive always been. and if ive always adopted that attitude its time delete the adoption. i recall school being all about social shit. about friends. doing things with friends. in high school i was in two different programs inside my high school that allowed us to go out of town a lot. the academy of international business where we learn business shit, accounting, currencys, and such. and future business leaders of america where we went out of town a lot to different business confrences, stayed in hotels, got to sight see and do fun workshops. now the reason i was in this things were the social aspect of it. not the learning aspect at all. i recall doing drugs while on these trips and just enjoying my laziness. i graduated top 25 of my class. and took the adopted attitude with me to college. now i have never been interested in learning the shit of our world. i thought it was a bunch of bullshit so i never had a desire to participate fully here. because i did so well in high school i was seen as "the smart child" or "the meal ticket" or "the future money maker". i was the second to graduate high scjool, first to go to college. i only went to college to appease my father and because thats what everyone else was doing. but i wasnt really interested in going to gain knowledge. i choose the major or marketing because i initially thought it was fun. getting people to do things. buy shit they dont need really depending on how "good" or "convincing" i could make an ad or commercial. the movie 'what women want' with mel gibson. i wanted to do what he did. but as i went through life, realising some things. i saw that that was not want i wanted to do at all. the more i interacted with people and learned about people i saw how easily influenced we are. and how much influencing was going on in the world. and how fucking stupid that shit was. and how fuckign stupid that shit made people. so instead of just doing the work to do the work becasue it was easy, the laziness spilled over into not wanting to participate with the work at all. so i dropped out. and worked. started working at citi. doing customer service sales. when money was thrown into the mix, i dropped the whole "i cant do this to people" attitude. i was a shark on the phone at one point. sales incentive checks were great. swindling people into buying shit they did not need. creating needs out of unneccessary wants or fears. it was a game. and i played fully. then more realisation within me. changing myself slowly. this was before comign upon desteni. after realising god was not practical at all (use to be a total god head freak for a while. though it didnt make sense in totality and i didnt like that it excluded much of humanity). but doing the job started to become difficult. i still made my money, but my desire to do so was dwindling away. i didnt want to participate so much in the normal ins and outs of the way we did shit. poverty minded came up in the reading i did. i keep telling my self that things pointed out about self to self dont have to remain of self. i understand what that means. poverty minded. i currently do give a shit about money. i get it where i can, do what i can, dont strive to make too much, but not live on the street either. just get by really. that was a problem with my ex. he supported my laziness so it grew while with him. i need to fully realising that IIIIIIII I must assist and support me. so if i am continuously relying on another i am not able to do that. and the laziness festers. so i am getting two jobs. i plan on moving out of where i am a little after june. my brother and his girl are pregnant. she has no brothers or sistes. i have tons and experiences with birthing kids and taking care of them. so i am staying until she gets into the swing of things. then im out. so i am waiting for a start date from one job and an interview on another. if the second doesnt work out i will go to this busy pizza place near hear and serve. waitressing is a job that i have always feared. probably due to my laziness. serving is no joke. i have been a hostess so ive seen what servers deal with. its not the people aspect of serving. i enjoy interacting with differnt people. its the so much to do within serving aspect. that makes my laziness point stick up. much more to uncover on this point. will open up more soon.

Monday, December 13, 2010


so i have been working on the point of sleep for some time. 7 hours. no more. i have had times where i would set my alarm and my body clock would wake up before the 7 hours were up. i was okay wiht that. pushed past the desire to get the full or ride the alarm out. if my body was ready to get it, it was ready to get up. but then i get to experiene the other side of that statement. "if my body isnt ready to get it, it isnt ready to get it". i lost my phone charger somewhere between here and florida. have no clue where it is. i ordered one on ebay for like $4. no shipping. if i were to go somewhere to buy one would have been about $15. so, because i dont have money for real right now i decided to go with ebay. i have delt with ebay a ton. bought/ sold there. so i figured becaues the price is so low and coming from hong kong it will take a while to get to me. i accepted that. so my phone was on its last leg of battery. i would turn it off and stay up as long as possible. 3 am is the time i like to go to bed. 7 hours. wake up at 10am. but because my phone is my alarm, i had no alarm. so i fell on the point of sleep a couple times. overslept an hour here, half hour there, two hours the next. then i realised that if i turn on my phone and set my alarm and turn my phone back to off i will still sound the alarm even if my phone is turned off. so i was like , "fuck yeah!" i get my sleep pattern back. yeah that didnt last long because then my phone completely died. ive been without my phoen for about two weeks now. been without it with no juice at all for abut a week. so i have been trying to stay up as long as i can to go to bed at an hour that will allow me to be woken up by my sister(bros girl) getting up for work. thats been working combined with the staying up. i have found that if i go to bed earlier i want to sleep longer. so i go to bed as late as possible. its been working fine the past couple days. havent fallen on sleep since the 7th. ive been making a point to write what im stopping, when i fall, when i get back up. just to show myself where i am at and where i have been. last night i was really worried about not getting up. there was a ton on my mind in relation to approval from others. point opened up with reading kristinas post on the forum. a point i will dive into**. oooo thats also related to another point i wanted to investigate on fixation on the process of others/comparison**. but all that mind shit had me convinced that i was about to fall. i stayed up til 215am then laid it down. fully expecting to not get up in my 7 hours time. so my sister gets up in the morning. chaka always wakes when she does cause she hears the other dogs. and i always wake when chaka wakes cause she sleeps right in my body nook :). so she hops off and runs downstairs. my sis lets her out early in the morning to pee. i thought to myself, i am not getting up to even check and see what time it is right now. chaka comes back and hops on my chest. not violently. she feels free about using my body as her bed. i was layin on my back and she hops on my chest and goes back to sleep. as did i. a while, no clue how long, later i was like" ok. time to get the fuck up." i did. went to pee. came out the bathroom and looked at teh clock and it ws 915 am. 7 hours EXACTLY LOL. it was really a funny moment for me. all teh worry that my bodyclock would not support me and i did to a t. so yeah. worried for nothing. thoughts on the worrying for nothing. shit wasnt real but i participated in it anyway. made some peppermint tea and sat down to write this. i am going to make a point to not re-read my s hit before i post it. i think kristina mentioned that also in her forum post. possibly another person. but i can relate to that as well. checking. hiding from faults in wiriting. i see the point of self checking as a help, but the way i was doing it was stopping myself from seeing all the points that come up when im not looking. so for the purpose of exposing myself to myself, i am stopping. i will self check afterward. see what im still existing as within the inital words i choose to write in the moment.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

exposing the point of dishonest/anger/blame/holding on to or wanting to hold on to parts of my ex.

so i had this conversation via email with my ex that id like to expose. the last time we saw one another we argued about him getting tested. the last time we spoke he was telling me that the girl he started sleeping with after me had died.

ME-going to get a check up tomorrow at planned parenthood. not that i have been
having unprotected sex, but i need a check up. talking to them and reading up on
chlamydia lets me know that there is a good chance that i am infertile. meaning
i wont be able to have children. if u catch it right away it doesnt have a
chance to cause pelvic inflammatory disease causing pain during sex and scaring
the fullopian tubes causing infertility. but u had it before we got together,
and i didnt find out i had it til we had been together for over a year. so it
was there in me for a while. caused pain sometimes when we had sex but i brushed
it off. just got through it cause i wanted to please u even though it hurt me.
which is why i have tried to stop "just pleasing" people. is so hard. stopping
something uve done for so long. but doing things to please despite common sense,
thats not whats best. thats not whats best for all. i dont know if i am. and i
dont think u can find out without fertility test or trying to concieve without
success. i didnt take all this into consideration when i found out that i had
it. so its just kinda hitting me....i wasnt planning on children and im not
telling u this as a guilt trip or some shit. blame serves no purpose at all. but
i just wanted someone else to know. i talk about most things with people, but i
havent talked to anyone about possibly being infertile. with all the people
around me getting pregnant i wouldnt be able to have a sensible conversation
with anyone about it without being fawned over or pityed. and i cant have that.
i dont want that. i want people to change their ways. not to feel bad for me.
but to stop doing the shit that creates situations like this. i keep telling
myself NOT to feel and react how one would think people normally would. with
anger and blame and worry and fear. and that being infertile wouldnt make me any
less of a woman or a whole person anymore than having a cock makes u a man. its
the mind that plays tricks and initially makes me want to hate and project this
hate onto whomever. its me that knows that would help no one. just wanted to let
u know.

much dishonesty in this email. what i wanted was for him to talk to me. to care about me and show it. to know the possibility that i might be infertile because of the situation we went through. which is displayed in my next email to him when i didnt get a reply within my self appointed time length. anger and "neediness" displayed as well.

ME-theres nothing u want to say to me? nothing at all? ur friend dies and as soon
as i find that out i dont hesitate to call u. couldnt even finish the email
before i was on the phone calling u. even though u asked me how i was doing, but
obviously didnt care about the answer. just a buffer so u could tell me (girls name)
died. even though u assumed i didnt like her (though if u can honestly recall i
never said in ill word towards her). even though u told me to try and make me
feel bad or whatever ur motive was behind telling me that of all the things u
could say to me. even though i told u that if u cared for her like u
claimed u'd continuously voice how unsafe her actions was to her health. even
though we werent talking. even though we got into a fight about u playing
the unsafe std game and fearing the process of getting tested. ur 29. a grown
man. and this shouldnt be the first time nor like pulling teeth for u to get
tested. its important. soooo very important to KNOW. people are spreading
stdiseases and they dont know it. and many dont even care. but considering our
situation, that goes without saying. which is why u being with (girls name) like u
were upset me. not so much because u were seeing someone else. though i will be
honest, i did not like that. cause of my ego and i love u and wanted us to fix
things. not see other people. but many girls and guys have chlamydia and dont
even know it. reading up on it and the infertility that can be caused i found
countless forums of different girls telling the same story over and over and
over and over. many girls were just like me. went against better jugement and
had unprotected sex before doing the practical thing, going with our new
partners to get tested and display enough care for one another to take the
initiative to KNOW. instead we did what felt good. what was in our self
interest. and now many dont know if they are infertile or not. many knew the
risk and were still promiscuous with many guys unprotected. many had no clue
where they even got it from. but i digress, even though u didnt answer my many
calls or return my calls when i called. i still continued to call u til u
answered. because i care for u. period. unconditionally. no matter what u did to
me. no matter what happened between us. i always just wanted u and i to support
one another truely. not just financially. not just emotionally. but on a even
grander scale than that. love has no conditions. its unconditional. love is not
exclusive. it includes all. has no limitations. thats what makes the word love
real. not just a word people say to manipulate other people in self interest...
well im off. i just wanted some words from u before i went in to talk to these
people. something. anything. ive been hesitant to see other people. but i now
know that u will never care for me like i care for u. and if u do, it wont be
because of anything i do or say. cause ive done and said it all.

tons of dishonesty here. its fucked cause i KNOW that we are not supportive together. i know that we cannot be in a practical agreement at this point in our processes or maybe even ever. but i feel like there is some kinda hold over me with my ex. though i know i am in total control over that which i experience. i see my attempt at manipulation of him with the sentence "ive been hesitant to see other people. but i now know that u will never care for me like i care for u."
i manipulated a ton when we were togther. i knew for a while that we couldnt work but i kept trying and trying and trying and trying to make it work anyway. making shit more difficult actually. keeping him around just to have someone around maybe? i didnt have trouble having someone around before though.

HIM-I really hope you're ok. I'm just now reading all this.

When did u call?? I don't have a bunch of missed calls or anything.

I was hesitant to get tested cause I hate needles and didn't want to go alone. I got tested out here and I ended up with my vision blurring on me then my speech started repeating till my temp went crazy and I puked hard. I lost like all color and had to lay down, they wouldn't even let me drive home. Needles do not agree with me at all. My tests came back fine and I've got a copy of the papers.

I would feel horrible if you couldn't have kids from what we went through. I really truly hope that is not the case.

You know I had more love for you then I knew how to handle. I kept on trying over and over. I do wish I could be there so you have someone going through this. You really confuse me, when I'm there and wanting to try it felt like I was dealing with a closed door but if I try to move on then you're upset with me.

It really hurt me the day you said you loved everything the same. I'm not like that, love to me means I value that person above myself. I'll always love you that will never change. You're a huge part of my life that changed my perception on many things and showed me other sides of the world. I never wanted to lose you.

I hope you're ok

(his name)

ME-i didnt say in the email that i called u for this situation. i said when u told
me what happened in that email about (girls name), i was on the phone trying to call
u. i called u a ton and u didnt answer. i texted u and u didnt reply. i waited.
u never called back. i called u again even despite all the shit that went on
with us. didnt make any assumptions about why u were emailing me this
considering we hadnt talked and fought last time we did. there was no hesitation
to call u. i do wonder what ur motive was for emailing me that. but i guess
thats something u have to honestly answer for urself.
i just really needed u to say something before going in to my appointment. say
something to calm me. not real ising, i direct the calm in me. just like i
direct sadness, and happiness. i am in control of that which i experience. which
is why i have come to accept my shared responsibility for what happend in
totality with us.
im glad u went and got tested. glad ur clean and clear and know it. next time
try breathing through ur misconceptions of needles. figure out why u feel the
way u do about needles. try pinpointing when u accepted the idea that needles
dont agree with u. and what purpose that feeling about needles serves. to
practically care for urself u will need to interact with needles. im sure u
worked urself up into quite a pre-needle mind fuck, u were bound to act out
those needle thoughts. (i.e. throwing up, sweats, temp change) thoughts and
emotions can be so dibilitating if we allow them to be.

i talked to the doctor and she said that the pain from PID which causes the
infertility would have been unmistakably unbareable. that a bit of pain from the
sex was probably because of the infection, but if it would have caused PID i
would have known it. so im not thinking of it anymore.
we have different definitions of trying. of course i was upset that u moved on.
we were together for two years. and when we broke up i told u that YOU were the
controller of how the break up went. u decided that it should go this way. u
could have made it go another way. by actually hearing me and the things i was
saying. im sure u dont have a clue what i said when we broke up. im sure u dont
have a clue why we broke up. u didnt want to hear me. u wanted to listen to what
u wanted to listen to and then react to it. and i admitt i did the same often
within the relationship before the breakup. so i dont know why i was surprised
that u were mirroring and reflecting my actions back to me. (the way of the
world). we could have taken time to get our shit together. but thats not what u
wanted. u didnt want to change anything about urself. i have changed so much
about me since we broke up. took into consideration the things u didnt "like"
about me. things i didnt "like" about myself. things i dont like in the
world. my smoking cigs. my attitude in general. how i treat people in general. i
understand u listen to me when i talk about things, but u dont hear me. yes. i
want to love everything/everyone equally. i havent fully gotten there. i am only
human and im trying. but yes. to love something as i love myself is more
practical than placing someone above me and myself below a person. not
participating in the polarity that is superiority/ inferiority.
above/below. right/wrong. cause in actuality all those are two sides of one
single coin. i am then able to show anyone the respect and care i woud show
myself. thats me being the change i want to see in the world. the only practical
way to change is to change self. and u may think u loved me above urself, but u
did not. and if u have a look at our two years, and break that word love down to
a simple unadulterated honest definition, we can see that neither of us showed
each other the true meaning of the word. which is why we didnt work. i wont stop
changing myself. i know u dont want to change with me. letting u go is the
hardest thing i have ever had to do. i will never ever stop loving u robert.
know this. i couldnt if i tried. if me emailing u or communicating with u makes
it hard for u to move on, then i will look at the mirror reflection and admitt
that talking to u also makes it hard for me to move on. and though it KILLS me,
i stop.
guess this is goodbye.

i still see me blaming him a bit in this email. masked with self responsibility. bullshit. dishonest. every moment. every statement i must be able to stand within and as life. (*point of blame-SF required)

HIM-I don't believe at all that the needles thing is entirely mental and like many things relates back to my blood sugar problems.
I did the regular and herpes tests so it required 2 things of blood, I ate on my way to the place, drank orange juice before I took the test, they used a small needle, I didn't look at it and I was totally calm before it started.
She did a great job getting the needle in with no problems, I was ok through the first tube then during the second I felt my sugar levels drop like an absolute stone. I was in the middle of a sentence and my vision blurred on me then I started repeating what I was trying to say and couldn't complete the thought even, then my body temp went insane, my head was covered in sweat within a few seconds. I've never liked needles or being cut or pierced at all, I never had a truly traumatic experience to instill that fear in me. I believe on a much more basic level its' my body's self defense knowing it can't regulate my levels during blood loss.

You and I were never able to get to the same page as to just how much my blood sugar levels truly affected me and how best to deal with it together cause I did need help with it. I've learned a lot since we dated about my physical problems with food/blood sugar and how severely it affects me. I know now that a huge portion of the problems I suffered from during our time were related to our awful diet and timing of food and not putting my physical health needs first. You've accused me many many times of not truly listening to you, to be fair you never truly listened and cared about my problem and I know we talked about it early on in our relationship. The solution of screaming at me as to why I didn't eat without you was not a solution but a way to pass the responsibility all back on my shoulders when I did need help with my problem. Yes you did cook for us and I appreciated that but it was more contingent on your needs and your ability/need to smoke then on our actual health needs. These days I try to stop and think about my food / when I ate last / etc... whenever I start to feel off or emotional or irrational to try and resolve things but I'm still learning and it's not something I can deal with once in a while. The more I learn about it the more it's truly something I have to consider on a daily basis as I do get very unstable and affected strongly by my blood sugar levels.

I really don't recall seeing that many missed calls at all from you so I don't know if I didn't get them or what happened.

I reached out to tell you about her passing I guess just to have someone to talk to about it cause it was a very tough thing to go through. In the end no amount of talking could have prepared me for that funeral, I've never been to an open casket before and that is by far one of the most freighting and difficult things to ever see in your life. Her family was really supportive and awesome through it all, she was able to fill the church to standing room only.

I'm glad the doctor was able to relieve some of your fears, I'd have felt terrible if you couldn't have kids because of me. I always thought you'd be a great mom one day, I loved how you were with Bill's kids and being there with me through all that.

I have looked at our 2 years and that's complete and utter bullshit to claim I didn't truly love you. Do you remember anything about me or us? I turned my life upside down to be with you, I changed everything to give us a chance and let no one stop me. I supported you for 2 years straight for your every want and need. I did my job of providing a safe home for us, I supported you in every effort you made to better your own career, I always made you feel physically wanted/attractive and tried to show that affection & interest every day even when you pushed me away. I gave you everything I had to give every day, yes I had my faults but nobody can love you the way I did and go through the things you put me through and still love you. We fought hard and long about many things but when you break it all down we had everything we ever needed to be happy. We had a safe home, each other, food on the table, pets to care for, cars to drive, tv to watch & guitar hero to play :) Our internal bullshit ripped us apart because frankly the desire to be "right" was stronger then the desire to compromise and work together. You never valued what I provided and just blew it off as just "financial", which is wrong, very wrong. I worked hard all the time and yes you cleaned & cooked but you couldn't just be happy with that it had to be a fight that I wasn't doing half of your work while you did none of mine. When you worked it wasn't to help us it was always to help yourself.

I had and still do have some issues from our relationship, I internalized a lot of the negativity you sent at me till I felt many things were my fault but I've realized a lot in the past few months. I've realized I'm not a bad person or crazy or wrong for having a high sex drive. I've learned that I do have serious blood sugar problems worse then I ever thought, that yes you are right I do have to be ok with not having sex every day and finding a way to not let that make me feel unwanted and unloved as I did have a huge complex from our sex life. All the problems we had made me feel horrible inside about having strong physical desires and having crazy emotions. I always felt you were amazingly beautiful to me and I always wanted to have sex with you, I no longer feel guilty for that. I do feel guilty for letting my love for you to allow myself to be put through the emotional abuse of all the rejection. No matter the reasons why I fully believe it was very morally wrong to manipulate our sex life.

I let a lot of things get way out of hand in our relationship and I should have been much more firm on where we stood in our relationship. We never should have moved in together without first setting down rules for who's doing what for us to have a home. That was a bad mistake from day 1 as we both had different views of what we were responsible for and I'm sorry for that. My love made me very blind as I wanted to be with you that bad. I never should have felt guilty for not cooking or cleaning but by the same token I should have done it willingly more often.

How in the world can you say I was in control of how the break up went? You walked out on me and our home.
When I tried hard to save things you got angry, when I stopped trying you got angry, when I physically moved on you hated me. I never wanted to move on to other people at all, even when I did I got yelled at cause I refused to delete your pictures from my phone and woke up in tears from you calling out to me in my sleep.
I was never ready for us to be over, even when we fought like cats and dogs I never felt in my heart that I wanted to be without you. Even when you were yelling at me as you're picking up the last of your stuff all I wanted was for the pain to end and just to have you back in my arms and be ok.

I did listen to you, but if you ever listen to yourself like truly listen you'll find contradiction, tons of it. There was no right answer with you, there was never a way or a path that I could follow to find that happiness with you.
You can ask anyone that knew us and everyone knows that I loved you.

I'll never understand the root cause for the anger in you at me and us. No matter the hell we put each other through my love was always stronger for you then all of that bs meant to me.
I know I was a good person and treated you well, I just wish you could see the good I always had in my heart for us. Only way I can really show you that the view of us as a horrible couple being wrong is to ask you to look at our pictures, look at how we really were, I have tons and tons of photos of your smiling face being happy & loved. Those moments are what count at the end of the day, the fights and the anger is all pointless in the end, all that really ever mattered is the good times. I'll always have fond memories of you, I think about you every day and still miss you. I never wanted this to end... never. I still have every picture of us we ever had on every wall, I only took them down so I could stop collapsing in tears and pain from missing & loving you, I never took them down out of anger... It hurt my feelings a lot when you told me you sold your wii and everything like was just a toy cause to me it was a strong memory of all the effort it took to find everything for you and how happy you were playing it and watching you and piny rock out together.. guess I'm just sentimental sometimes.

If you have to walk away from me to be ok for you then do it for you because I don't need you out of my life to have a life. I miss talking to you.

Sorry if this email lost it's cohesiveness, I can't type much more, tears & emotions running wild.. i still love you so much, you still affect me so much still right down to the core.

ive totally lost my train of thought... i love you

ME-u affect me so much as well. i hate that we cannot see eye to eye. that email
doesnt show much self responsibility for anything that happened with us. the
things that actually tore us apart. and we are both responsible. equally. if u
must, continue to blame me and not see urself within it all. because thats what
u did in that email. a lot of blaming. not a lot of self responsibility.
wether u blamed all the things on me, not seeing urself within it all or u
blamed things on ur blood sugar, not seeing urself within it all. u dont even address the things that tore us down. ur attitude. ur anger. ur output. ur inability to see. i begged u to help me fix shit before i left. u ignored me. and thats not the fault of the blood sugar or me. and that is what caused the anger i had towards u. ur dismissal of the issues and things i felt were important. not that
my anger was justified. it was fucking ignorant actually. i should have handled
things in a completely different way. and i dismissed what u said about ur
eating. however that must be a self responsibility. i understand helping to
maintain it but u took no physical action to stop it from affecting ur
life/mood/attitude as it did. im glad that ur taking the initiative to maintain
ur blood sugar now. fucked up that it took going through our relationship to see
that its something u must maintain daily, "or else" i guess. i never did tell u
how much i appreciated the financial support u gave me. without money u die in this world. so i know i wasnt as appreciative as i should have been. i definitely am aware of that now. and i know i owe u money. i will pay u back. in turn u cannot get
on me for working and it not going to the house when for one, u didnt pay all
of my personal bills. so i agree. when i worked it was to help myself stay
afloat. i had a phone. student loans and other bills that i used my money to
pay. how else was i going to practically support myself in that aspect. and dont
think that statement means i dont realise all the other things u helped me
with. and for two, u made a ton more than me. a ton. a fucking ton. u were doing
all this before i came around and u didnt need me and made sure i knew that ud
keep doing it if i wasnt around. wether u were with me or not u would be doing all of what u were doing financially. and in ur own inadvertant way, made me feel less because of it. that i didnt make more or held it over me as to why i shouldnt say a thing about cleaning up after everyone from day one. and the fact that u bitch about me asking u to do anything was the kicker. i never asked u to do half of the house work. its just that anytime i asked u to pick something up or not leave food or plates laying about or put something in the sink or wipe a counter i was asking too much. u felt i shouldnt say anything about anything. but again. that was my allowance. i could have voiced this and not keep it inside. forced us to talk it out. i could have taken that action instead of just participating in anger that u didnt get me or what i was saying at all. u say we never should
have moved in without setting down some "rules" first. re read that 8 page
letter i wrote u before u came to PA to get me before i moved in. thats all i have to say about that. ur not a bad person. and fuck, if i made u feel like u are i truely apologize. and i can see how the way i displayed how i felt would make u feel
like a bad person. but u werent. u did allow sex to close ur ears to
ur girlfriend. i didnt think u were bad or anything for wanted to be with me. i
wanted u to hear me. help me. not just fuck me. sex was emotionally
connected for me at that point. if we werent there emotionally i didnt want to
be there sexually. and i cant say that was the right or wrong thing to do
either. but we both manipulated our sex life. know that. i wanted to use it to
make u remember and u wanted to use it to make me forget. i accept my
responsibility for all that happened with us. there is no "right path" to follow
to make anyone happy. for one, its up to self to make self happy. and for two,
if u and ur partner are truely partners u will work as one and not two in every
way. u still have no clue why i left. and u never really cared to find out
anyway. u just wanted me back. u gave me everything u had to give but in ur way.
financially. sexually. but u never gave me a partner. there was much dismissal
of things. and i am not oout of responsibility within that statement either. im not
trying to stop u from moving on anymore. i know that is what u just wanted to do
a while ago with (girls name). and i admitt that it pissed me off. u know. u were
there in those text :). but i stopped u becase i was still experiencing a lot
of jealousy and hated the fact that we didnt do all we could. the both of us.
and u just moved on. not realising we are just not at places to where we can have a all around successful partnership. i dont know if u recall, but us was the first
relationship i have ever been in before. first time i lived with a guy. first a
lot of things for me. so i can say myself that i did much wrong. i see myself
within our relationship. which is why i have been changing so much about me.
down to the core. considering not only ur actions but mine in turn. point by
point. but u still dont see u at all. and thats not saying "oh (his name)is such a
bad guy". because i dont see that. this isnt the blame game. its the self
responsibility game. it means u dont see urself within all the things that
happened with us. we walked that train wreck together. (not saying it was all
bad (his name). we had great times as well. i know thats how u feel when i point out
the things u dont want to address.) every point u have about me, turn it back
around to self. see where u fit in on it as well. because u do. on every single
point within why we didnt work. the both of us. and i dont see that uve done
that when u talk about what happened with us. its my desire to be right. my
anger. my reactions. my weed haibt. my manipulation of sex. my issues with
cleaning. i mean, seriously. theres a ton WE should have done different.

still see blame in some of my words. hypocritically getting on him for existing as blame and not self responsibility in and as every point as i do the same. reflections of self. still attempting to fix i see by my words. fix him. fix us. fix me. only one of those i actually have physical control over. and that is fixing me. thinking of the video on banning i watched today i see that sometimes its best to not participate with some people. and i know this. but obviously i dont stand as that statement fully. no resistance. no seperation. no judgement of him involved. just the point to stand as or not stand as. what am i standing as continuing this shit? time to stop. fully. (*point of fixing/control/"help" sf)

hmmm. hope! that sneaky bitch! i think that is the root of my "need to still try and fix." hope that he may change the way he thinks. hope that he may turn into someone else. hope that we may get back together (which is a crazy point because i was so unhappy with the way we were together and lost all hope of us which is why i left. guess hope was hiding within me.) damn, emotions and feelings are a mind fuck. step one, stop seeing emotions and feelings as MINE or as apart of ME. they are not mine. they are not me. so stop.

k cool. thats it for now.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

exploring the point of being with "taken" people

writing the title immediately brings about the fact that i have only had one relationship. so exploring my attitude before i got into my one and only relationship shows me that i judged/looked down on relationships. always thought they were a bunch of bullshit. tons of deception. stupid fights over easily solvable issues. tears and making one another "feel bad" for things. i watched many around me growing up in relationships.my mother and father. my mother and her boyfriends after my father. my sisters and their boyfriends. my friends and their boyfriends. one of my best friends growing up had her first sexual experience in an affair with a married man. all the examples i had of relationships, well they fucking sucked. so that helped me to develop this resistance of relationships. i would tell myself i never want to be in a relationship like ive ever seen. i would say that my first boyfriend would be my husband because i would wait that long get into a relationship. i saw that relationships were all about making the other one happy. whatever that meant at the time. which was deception to me. just relating to one another. that was never my idea of a successful partnership. so i resisted relationships. and maybe developed some kinda "fuck u" attitude to relationships in general. which is probably why mine was unsuccessful (aside the many issues within it). wow. ok first time i had sex with someone who had a girlfriend was in college. second guy i ever had sex with. he was a friend of mine. we always had a flirty thing going on. i knew he had a girlfriend. but i saw it as,"hes my friend. us fucking is just two friends fucking. nothing more. nothing less." we fucked, he felt guilty. i did not. we fucked some more. i moved away. he got another girlfriend. we still fucked around. we are still friends to this day. he has a girlfriend now who wants to get married eventually. he feels pressure from her family to do "the right thing". he feels like its something he should do. we have not had sex since hes been with her. but we have had naughty conversations via phone and text. he experiences guilt. so i told him we do not HAVE to be sexual in nature. i enjoy him. sexy time or not lol. so we havent been talking or texting sexually anymore. second time i had sex with someone who had a girlfriend was after recovery from my car accident where i almost died *point to explore/never wrote out this experience*. this one was completely accidental. i was walking home from the library and a guy drove by me and honked his horn. i waved. not seeing who was actually driving the car. i figured they just left on their way until i walked by the parking lot. a blonde haired blue eyed guy was sitting in a car waiting for me. i rarely got hit on by white guys. it was either i made the attempt or we were friends first. i use to think i really intimidated white guys cause i was so straight forward about the fact that i only wanted to fuck with white guys and never been with a blck guy. but this one was straight forward with me. we talked a bit. exchanged numbers and i continued my walk. he called me and came over to the place i was staying. we hung out. talked. one thing i really dug about this guys was he was so intense about us. his heart would speed up and hed place my hand on it and he would get nervous and i thought that was cute. we fucked. he came over and we'd hang out an watch porn and fuck and listen to music and talk. did this until i left to go home. after being home two days he tells me on the phone that not only is he married, but he had a son as well. i was like, wtf? i wasnt so much pissed about it. just surprised that i had no clue. he divorced his wife. he was pretty shitty around that time. i didnt like what he had become with leaving his wife and son came a shit ton of other things. we stopped talking for a while. he came to visit me. it was ok but his head wasnt there. he was in it and somewhere else. when he left i thought to myself "he will never change". we still talk to this day. and hes a completely different person now. so much more self aware and aware of life and honestly cares for people and the world. we do not have a sexual relationship. sex was the basis of us in the past. the both of us are on different shit nowadays. we do have great converstions about life and the things we encounter. third time i had sex with someone who had a girlfriend was a friend i use to live with in the college dorms once i changed schools. my group of friends was me and about 6 guys. we all got long great. hung out all the time. i had a major crush on on of my guy friends. one night i thought me and that guy friend ihad the crush on were going to finally have sex he ended up flaking. so i went and found one of our friends in that group of 6 and i hooked up with him. it was on some drunk reasoning shit. after hooking up, didnt have sex, we were like "ok wtf was that." we knew we were on some drunk shit so we just left it. continued to be friends. year or so went by. he got a girlfriend whom the rest of us didnt really like. mainly because she took some of his time from us. we all went out one night. just me and they guys. we went out. got drunk. we back to my friends house. and he started kissing me. this was surprisingly out of the blue and i did think of his girlfriend for a second. then i thought of "my boy" and she was of no concern any longer. this happened another time with us. he came to get me with a couple friends. we got fucked up and ended up in bed together. i woke up in the morning naked and needing to pee. i put on my cloths cause i thought his friends were still there. went to pee then lay back down. i kept my cloths on though. he was passed out all afternoon and i was just laying in bed with him texting. i hear his door open and he hops up from his dead sleep saying,"thats (girlfriends name)!". i stood up already clothes but my pants zipper undone. shoes in hand, purse in hand, condom wrapper in hand. she walks in, looks at me ( i had a blank expression. i didnt feel guilt about it. didnt hate the girl at all but i didnt know if i was going to have to be physical her because of this.) looks at him (he was completely naked. with the excitement and being half fucked up still he couldnt manage cloths before she came in) starts to cry and runs out the house and down the street. he puts on cloths and goes after her. i left to go home. he texts me later on "its all good. i told her u were coming in to wake me up". wow. she must have really wanted to believe that lie. because it was apparent. they stayed together some months after this before calling it quits. we are still friends to this day. i decided to stop resisting being "taken" and in a relationship so i went out and got in one. i didnt "cheat" when i was in my relationship. i did still talk to my many guy friends and had the opportunity to cheat, but i did not. id appreciate some insight if anyone has any on this. thanks.


i fell on this point. i had gone a couple of months without porn or masturbation.since october 1st. it was all fine and dandy. going well. no desires to watch porn and shit. i had sex with the guy from florida. half black half white guy. never been with a black guy before. had much resistance there. we met the day i broke up with my ex. he was single. he was really into me. i thought he was a nice guy. i wouldnt say i was initially attracted to him physically. i was apprehensive cause of the shit going on with the break up and my white guy preference which i have not yet pinpointed. think it has something to do with the way i view my father *point to investigate/address*. next time i went down i wanted to see him. experience him sexually. it had been not looking to get into another relationship. i have told him this. i called him. he wanted to see me but he told me he had a out of state girlfriend which surprised me seeing as he was single when we had met not long ago. i wasnt concerned with his girlfriend honestly. not the first time i had been with a man who had a girlfriend. not a regular or sought out thing. just not the first time. *point to investigate/address*. we ended up getting together, despite his apprehension because of his girlfriend. the experience was ok. i didnt see it as sex with a black man. didnt view it like that at all. i enjoyed myself but i could feel his apprehension through out the whole sexual experience. i wanted to see him again the next day and he was full of guilt and worry and talks of sin this and sin that. he respects my views on things but is really god mind-fucked. before we had sex i told him i dont deal in guilt or worry or right and wrong. that i simply wanted to have this experience with him. and that he shouldnt do things he isnt sure about them. that pretalk did nothing because he was so mind fucked after. he kept saying, "bottom line is, its a sin." so after a small amount of anger, i did self forgiveness and let it go. we didnt end on angry terms. a month later i went back and was there about a week. the day before i left i called him. he was at the same place that i had been that night. i told him he should come pick me up. he was apprehensive for about a split second. then he did and this experience was, fucking wow. there was no apprehension in the sexual experience this time. he and i were fully there and the whole experience was great. he has stopped a lot of things lately as well. he doesnt know of desteni material. i think his starting point is god. but he has stopped drinking alcohol. stopped smoking weed. stopped porn and masturbation as well. dropped some friends. he wants to become a cop. for the money and security aspect of it. we have talked about many things but one only knows how deceptive self is though. thats where self honesty comes into play. we only got to see one another once since i didnt call him until my last day of being there. he said to make sure i contact him next time i am down. that he'd like to make me dinner. maybe watch a movie. when i got home there was so much pent up energy for some reason. the first time we had sex it didnt not cause so much energy to stay within me. this time i couldnt stop thinking about him. well not so much him but the sexual experience we had. how it felt. by day two of me being home i gave in to the energy. watched porn. masturbated. i havent had that build of energy sense.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by energy caused by images which are not real.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to retreat into the mind to experience not realising that all is here and here is not in the mind.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by fantasizing in the mind.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that if i am in my mind i am NOT here.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the energy movement in me was an opportunity to explore the breath orgasm.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist the breath orgasm.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the breath orgasm.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about doing it "right" when it comes to the breath orgasm.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to just do it when it comes to the breath orgasm.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that i cannot be intimate with another until i am intimate with myself.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that because i do not know how to be self intimate all experiences with intamacy and another will be from a dishonest stand point.
i forgive msyelf for accepting and allowing myself to fear dropping everything i have ever learned regarding experiencing sex.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that everything i have ever learned regardign experiencing sex has been from a dishonest starting point.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being self intimate.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exploring self intimacy.