a chat -- recognition

so i was having a chat with my friend. he was talking about how he wanted his life to be different. he stated that he wanted to be recognized publicly for something "good". in the past he had worked on projects that he considers "good" or considers a contribution to society. in the medical field on a project that distributed organs to people who needed it, on fortune 1,2,3 hundred company projects managing large groups of people. various actions he considers "worthy" of attention from the public. and within those projects he received no recognition. and if he did received recognition it wasnt "big" enough for him to consider it public enough. or "good" enough.

currently what he is doing is expanding a business he considers a nothing contribution to the world. he feels its just something that he has ended up doing and since he cannot turn it into something he is "proud" of, he strives to turn it into something widely lucrative. so if he cannot be doing something "good" to which he would receive recognition, of which he "requires" to "feel good" about what he is doing, he has settled for doing something that will make him more money.

its interesting because there was a lot we talked about within this point of him needing recognition. going back to the attention that was received, or in his case not received from his parents. which was pointed out as something that this point of needing public recognition stems from. i talked about how the point of movement should not be dictated or judged by how many people saw or talked about or recognized u doing it. that 'that which needs to be done', needs to be done. and being recognized is not a necessity of life. its a necessity of the mind. its something that makes us feel "good" but we dont consider that the simple act of doing 'that which needs to be done' should be enough in and of itself. the value in the simple movement that is best for all life is missed in favor of stroking the ego through the mental "need" to be recognized. i mentioned that a lot is shown about a person within how they treat someone who can do absolutely nothing in return for them and within doing something "good" that no one will ever know about unless u go spouting about how much recognition u should get for this and that. not seeing the compromise of self within a "good deed".

when i pointed out some of those^ things it was "hard" for him to hear. he said why am i always picking and taking out the negative within everything. to which i responded that i was not doing that at all. what i was doing is not being afraid to address much of what we brush over in the way of 'what is', not being afraid to consider much that is being overlooked in terms of ALL of what an action or statement means and entails. not resting in "negative" or "positive" but seeing shit for what it really was. and i mentioned that we cannot do that with shame because this is ALL 'us shit' here. all of it. if we are not willing to look at it all (every minute detail of us), how can we do anything different..

i talked to him about self forgiveness. to release the ideas he has accepted and allowed and currently used to manifest the situations in his life. we talked about him essentially walking the path of his parents within the way he accepts and allows the things that were adopted from or introduced to him through the actions and beliefs of his parents. we agreed that this was at the core of many of the things he considered 'issues' within himself.

cool chat..

ideas, objects and LIFE -- self forgiveness

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value objects over life.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see our collective disregard of life.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that without the value, that is life, there is nothing else.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the word and meaning of value only exist from the lips of life.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dismiss the obvious needs of life and fix myself in an oblivious state.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value an idea in my head.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to move from the only value, that is life.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the value that i give an idea, in my head, is not real.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that, that which is real is here for all to see. it is not confined to my head like the value i give to ideas.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get swept away in the part and miss the whole.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the flag is a piece of fabric made from materials grown from the earth. that is it.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach a sense of entitlement and superiority to the flag. within this i disrespect life that is not held to any sense of entitlement, when we are ALL here.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how the idea of 'the flag' is used as a method of separation.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach myself mentally to a certain piece of fabric with certain colors or shapes on it.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold the flag as superior to life.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the respect that i give to the idea of importance in a piece of fabric is misplaced.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to self honestly define important.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to have a real self honest look at what it is i place value in.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to self honestly define necessity.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to work on self honesty in all moments.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that because i was born on a certain part of the planet that i am worthy of a dignified life.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that because some are born on certain parts of the planet that they are less worthy of the same dignified life i would want for myself.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think there is no way that all people can have the same dignified life that i would want for myself.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that we are separated by pieces of fabric here on this planet.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach myself mentally to a certain piece of land as my "home land". within this i disregard the fact that all land is connected as home on this one planet.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create mental barriers between myself and other beings.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself back.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my self expression.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to watch a moment pass by.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself think in my head instead of express within the physical with my mouth. thinking is not self expressive. its self deceptive. as i think in my head i am not here in the present fully aware and a full participant.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that it isnt a thought that produces but physical movement within participation here. in the physical. u cannot think oneness and equality into existence. it must be lived and expressed and not held back.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the importance of developing self trust to be able to move through any and all given moments with clarity.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that even if i may fall, i still must walk.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to express myself.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear expressing myself.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger. towards the disregard of life, but it was anger. from within anger as a starting point comes nothing good. period. self movement to stand up to the disregard of life must be from a place of self trust, stability and clarity. anger brings none of those things.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear friction. fear creating friction within a disagreement. fear of being unwilling to move self within the unwillingness of another to see what i am trying to express.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from another. like i have not displaying the same disregard towards life.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing an hesitant nature within myself when it comes to "what needs to be done".

i commit myself to not hold back my self expression.

i commit myself to move myself within all moments.

i commit myself to breathe when i sense myself existing as back chat and bring myself back to real. to here in the physical.

i commit myself to develop patience within my movement. stability within expression comes with patience.

i commit myself to not fear the destruction of an idea. as an idea, is not real.

i commit myself to stand up for life.

point of desire/acceptance

so i have been dealing with this point for a while. desire. desire to know why. desire to be accepted. desire to understand. desire to be understood. desire for approval. this point is coming up again realising that many people have me blocked on facebook. desteni people. when i realised that one person had blocked me i went into this cycle of, "whatever" then "come on, seriously?" then "what the fuck?!" then "ok. i cant see u, u cant see me either. block back!" then the realisations came.. "stop the seperation. an eye for an eye is the epitome of ignorance. who r u to judge anyone else in their process? who r u to "look down" on someone because u dont "like" what they have done? who r u to seek actions of revenge on someone? if u deem someone else "unworthy" then u deem urself "unworthy" ". and i stopped that "revenge blocking" bullshit. all these points of desire are coming up realising there are a good number of people that have me blocked. desire to know why i am being blocked. desire to know why i am being seperated. desire to be accepted by these people. desire to understand what makes someone would feel they needed to block me. desire for approval from these people. and i think this point goes a lot deeper within me. root tree... ok i have always had this "thing" about not wanting to let people go. always wanting to keep every single "friend" ive ever had. every single "lover" i have ever had. most of the men ive ever had sex with i still talk to or could reconnect with with ease. ( im digging into the sex relationship point. i already know the flowers. getting to the roots is where self honesty needs complete deletion of self deception) most of the friends ive ever had are still around. and if they arent its most likely not cause we have stopped "being friends". ive always felt comfort in the idea that i didnt really get rid of people. i think the root of that is the fact that my dad left us and moved away when he couldnt find work where we were. i created a resentment of him that. i felt betrayed and pushed aside. i carried that resentment with me into highschool. where i had a friend that meant THE WORLD to me and she ended up leaving me when she got a boyfriend. its funny cause neither my father nor this friend LITERALLY left me. i was left by them both emotionally. and that fucked me. i accepted and allowed myself to fuck myself. fucking emotions. and i created this "thing" about not wanted to let anyone go. ever lol. wow. ok.so cool this point is brought up. its all a bunch of bullshit. desire in and of itself. cause i know that desire is useless. its actions that move things into manifestation. not desires. desire as u may, desire as u might. what r u going to DO about it?. i need to focus on my process. continue to get my shit sorted out. not worry or desire to know why the next person is doing what the fuck they are doing. but stay focused here on my process. if i feel judged by someone it is actually me judging myself. if i seek approval from someone it is actually me seeking approval from myself. if i feel someone is seperating me, its actually me existing in seperation.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in seperation.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that anything put towards another MUST be brought back to self. every time.
i forgive myself for aceepting and allowing myself to create this idea of comfort in keeping.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this idea that its "better" to keep every emotionally charged connection.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that anything but ME can "make" me feel rejected.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, in every moment, that i am the controller of that which i experience within me.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to shift blame to self responsibility.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait to write about this point abling myself to uncover the root.
i forgive myself for accpeting and allowing myself to carry resentment towards my father.
i forgive myself for accepeting and allowing myself to carry resentment towards my "bestfriend".
i forgive myself for accpeting and allowing myself to ignore this point of resentment towards my father and friend because this point has presented its self before and was ignored by not existing, in every moment, in self honesty. ignoring is ignorance.

rooting for the root

so marlen has helped to open me up and let me see that i must go deeper in the points i deal with. so in looking at points from now on i will not focus so much on that which has come forth but from where it came. the root of the point. when a baby is searching for food or trying to eat (support themselves) they root for it. the boob. they search for it. rooting. so i shift my focus from the flowers to the roots.

in looking at the root of the point of laziness i see that i created/accepted/allowed this idea that laziness "works" "good enough". what i saw around me were people not really trying, but they were still able to "get by". or if they were trying their hardest, as in the case of my mother, they still werent able to "get a leg up" and live life full. it was all just "getting by". what i saw growing up was that living was fucking hard as fuck. i saw my mother and father struggle. uncles and aunts struggling. i created this idea of "why even fucking try". i didnt feel like we did enough. enough for one another. enough for the world. but the way i saw people participating in the world through the media and the examples i had of those around me helped me to created this pedestal in which i placed the idea of being lazy or "getting something for nothing". my parents were not 9 to 5ers. my dad grew and sold weed growing up and we "got by". my mom worked as a midwife delivering babies at our home growing up. expected mothers would stay with us many days while giving birth on their own time. but because of who she was i dont think she ever charged anyone. she enjoyed doing the work because she enjoyed doing the work. period. but that selflessness was not "good enough" for the world. it didnt work in the world we live in. she couldnt keep that selflessness going and also support herself and her children. i dont think she ever thought of it that way though. my dad quit growing and selling weed but couldnt find a job and moved away. then my mother found her own way of "getting by". worked when she could where she could. gave 100% of herself but still was only able to "get by". and that was barely. i remember my oldest sister was going through shit with school and life and focusing. decided she was going away to job corps. a place that is supposed to be school and job training. i thought of it as a college. it was a "big deal" in my eyes. well she went away and came back a slightly different person. she was in a gang and dressed different and talked differnt. people saw her as cool. i recall thinking that she went off to do something but ended up doing nothing really and now shes in a gang and shes cool and doing nothing. and its "working" for her. lead me to shape this idea of laziness "working". and laziness as what people do. i had a couple of points of "crazy" at age 13 or so. i use to think so much itd give me bad headachs. just think and think. about every situation i was in, everyone around me, too much shit. sometimes i couldnt stop the thoughts and shit. itd make me feel crazy. one intense time i wrote it all out that was going on in me while it was going on in me. i was in a daze cause i really didnt feel like it was me writing when i was writing it. read it over after i had "calmed down". it was insane ramblings. felt like i was going crazy. i was afraid of myself as i was when i couldnt stop my thoughts and mind. i told myself after that, that i would not care about things so much. that caring too much made u go crazy in this world. that id just lay back. be easy. just "get by" to never have to face myself as i was that day. to never have to face that "craziness" in me. to never have to face all the bullshit within me. to never have to face the 'oh please. fuck u' the world would give me if i tried too hard (cause of the idea i created that try as u may try as might, they world doesnt fucking care and will chew u up and spit u out). to never have to face that ugly side of myself/us/the world. i created this idea that just "getting by" was ok with me. that i was ok with it. school fueled this point of laziness because it was so "easy" for me to be lazy within all that had to do with school because i didnt have to try to "get by". so "just getting by" was what i did. point of laziness = fear of facing self (fear of full potential). k cool. the root.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing the idea that laziness "works".
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing the idea that "getting by" was "good enough" for me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing the created idea that all people are "just getting by".
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself based on what i saw people participating in in the media.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself based on what my parents experienced.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself based on my judgements of that which i saw around me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the outside to influence my inside.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my "crazy" on the fact that i cared too much.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing my created idea to make me feel its ok to not care.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my sisters experience at job corps helping to create the idea that laziness and "getting by" was "cool".
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the idea that people would see me as "cool" if i didnt try but still "got by".
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing the creation of this personality of a lazy person.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that in creating this personality of a lazy person i allowed it to influence every part of the experience of myself so far.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that creating an idea based on another experiene is not directing self its being directed.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing my judgement of an experience to direct me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing judgement within me.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that things must be lived or else they are simply information.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this idea of laziness in which accepted and allowed based on what someone else had lived.
i forgive myseld for not accepting and allowing myself to see that this point of laziness is fear of facing myself and all that i have accepted and allowed.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that in fearing myself, i fear the world.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that in facing myself, i face the world in turn.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see me as seperate from the world.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that this created idea of laziness helped me to feel seperate from the world even though i accepted and allowed it based on my thinking that it is what everyone was doing in the world.
i forgive myslef for not accepting and allowing myself to see that i created this idea of laziness to not have to address the fear of myself.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that i created this idea of laziness to not have to address the fear of the world.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create limitation within me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to willingly exist within limitation.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on the world.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this idea of laziness becasue i fear my full potential.

self forgiveness

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel wronged.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel right.
i forgive mysefl for not accepting and allowing myself to see me in every situation.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see me in every moment.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see me in every word spoken from anothers lips.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from another.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing within myself judgements of racist peoople.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that all is learned.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that blame is useless.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that all are to "blame".
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the emotions of a victim.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that i am not only the victim, but the abuser in turn.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from mason and how they act.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that masons are simply another group of people existing in a mind fuck of superiority.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see myself within the masons.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to keep in mind that all are in processs wether they know it or not.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the process of another.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my own process.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that my ex will not change.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that in thinking my exd will not change is actually me thinking i will not change.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see all sides one moment, but only mine another.
i forgive myself fot not accepting and allowing consistancy within myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the process of others.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own process.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to change another.
i forgive myself for not accpeting and allowing myself to see the desire to change another is the desire to change myself.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the desire to do something doesnt get something done.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that to get something done, i must simply DO it.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that hoping and desiring is not movement.
i forgive myself for nto accepting and allowing myself to see that hope doesnt get something done.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that hoping something will happen or hoping something will change is the same as believe in miracles.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that magic things dont just happen.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use hope and wishes to fix how people relate to one another.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself though the same shit over and over.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see what i was trying to show myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the personality of 'tree. the girl who doesnt do relationships' 'tree. the black girl who likes white boys' 'tree. the girl know it all''tree. the girl u cant tell nothing to' 'tree. little mrs. defensive' 'tree. little mrs. cantbewrong' 'tree. mrs. fix it' 'tree. the rebel girl' 'tree. goes against the grain'.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create these other people to which i could hop into the persona of.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say my ex did "this" to me or "that" to me. not realising in every moment consistantly that i am the controller of that which i experience within me.
i forgive myself fot accepting and allowing myself to blame my ex.
i forgive myelf for not accepting and allowing myself to see that in shooting blame to my ex, it is actually me who i blame.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myelf to see in every moment consistantly that what i see in others, what i view of the world are all reflections of me.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see in every moment that all i see in another, experience from another is that which i see and experience from me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow someone to use my process to hurt me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear of being seen as insane.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear of being called insane.
i forgive myself for accpeting and allowing fear of being an outcast. no seeing that i already was an outcast. that we are all outcast. sitting on the outside of real life.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see in every moment consistantly that since i have realised my process i have made changes that matter to the world as a whole.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see in every moment consistantly that i am the change. so change will not come from anywhere but right here.


do not wait for forgiveness. give it to urself. move the fuck on.