a chat -- recognition

so i was having a chat with my friend. he was talking about how he wanted his life to be different. he stated that he wanted to be recognized publicly for something "good". in the past he had worked on projects that he considers "good" or considers a contribution to society. in the medical field on a project that distributed organs to people who needed it, on fortune 1,2,3 hundred company projects managing large groups of people. various actions he considers "worthy" of attention from the public. and within those projects he received no recognition. and if he did received recognition it wasnt "big" enough for him to consider it public enough. or "good" enough.

currently what he is doing is expanding a business he considers a nothing contribution to the world. he feels its just something that he has ended up doing and since he cannot turn it into something he is "proud" of, he strives to turn it into something widely lucrative. so if he cannot be doing something "good" to which he would receive recognition, of which he "requires" to "feel good" about what he is doing, he has settled for doing something that will make him more money.

its interesting because there was a lot we talked about within this point of him needing recognition. going back to the attention that was received, or in his case not received from his parents. which was pointed out as something that this point of needing public recognition stems from. i talked about how the point of movement should not be dictated or judged by how many people saw or talked about or recognized u doing it. that 'that which needs to be done', needs to be done. and being recognized is not a necessity of life. its a necessity of the mind. its something that makes us feel "good" but we dont consider that the simple act of doing 'that which needs to be done' should be enough in and of itself. the value in the simple movement that is best for all life is missed in favor of stroking the ego through the mental "need" to be recognized. i mentioned that a lot is shown about a person within how they treat someone who can do absolutely nothing in return for them and within doing something "good" that no one will ever know about unless u go spouting about how much recognition u should get for this and that. not seeing the compromise of self within a "good deed".

when i pointed out some of those^ things it was "hard" for him to hear. he said why am i always picking and taking out the negative within everything. to which i responded that i was not doing that at all. what i was doing is not being afraid to address much of what we brush over in the way of 'what is', not being afraid to consider much that is being overlooked in terms of ALL of what an action or statement means and entails. not resting in "negative" or "positive" but seeing shit for what it really was. and i mentioned that we cannot do that with shame because this is ALL 'us shit' here. all of it. if we are not willing to look at it all (every minute detail of us), how can we do anything different..

i talked to him about self forgiveness. to release the ideas he has accepted and allowed and currently used to manifest the situations in his life. we talked about him essentially walking the path of his parents within the way he accepts and allows the things that were adopted from or introduced to him through the actions and beliefs of his parents. we agreed that this was at the core of many of the things he considered 'issues' within himself.

cool chat..

point of desire/acceptance

so i have been dealing with this point for a while. desire. desire to know why. desire to be accepted. desire to understand. desire to be understood. desire for approval. this point is coming up again realising that many people have me blocked on facebook. desteni people. when i realised that one person had blocked me i went into this cycle of, "whatever" then "come on, seriously?" then "what the fuck?!" then "ok. i cant see u, u cant see me either. block back!" then the realisations came.. "stop the seperation. an eye for an eye is the epitome of ignorance. who r u to judge anyone else in their process? who r u to "look down" on someone because u dont "like" what they have done? who r u to seek actions of revenge on someone? if u deem someone else "unworthy" then u deem urself "unworthy" ". and i stopped that "revenge blocking" bullshit. all these points of desire are coming up realising there are a good number of people that have me blocked. desire to know why i am being blocked. desire to know why i am being seperated. desire to be accepted by these people. desire to understand what makes someone would feel they needed to block me. desire for approval from these people. and i think this point goes a lot deeper within me. root tree... ok i have always had this "thing" about not wanting to let people go. always wanting to keep every single "friend" ive ever had. every single "lover" i have ever had. most of the men ive ever had sex with i still talk to or could reconnect with with ease. ( im digging into the sex relationship point. i already know the flowers. getting to the roots is where self honesty needs complete deletion of self deception) most of the friends ive ever had are still around. and if they arent its most likely not cause we have stopped "being friends". ive always felt comfort in the idea that i didnt really get rid of people. i think the root of that is the fact that my dad left us and moved away when he couldnt find work where we were. i created a resentment of him that. i felt betrayed and pushed aside. i carried that resentment with me into highschool. where i had a friend that meant THE WORLD to me and she ended up leaving me when she got a boyfriend. its funny cause neither my father nor this friend LITERALLY left me. i was left by them both emotionally. and that fucked me. i accepted and allowed myself to fuck myself. fucking emotions. and i created this "thing" about not wanted to let anyone go. ever lol. wow. ok.so cool this point is brought up. its all a bunch of bullshit. desire in and of itself. cause i know that desire is useless. its actions that move things into manifestation. not desires. desire as u may, desire as u might. what r u going to DO about it?. i need to focus on my process. continue to get my shit sorted out. not worry or desire to know why the next person is doing what the fuck they are doing. but stay focused here on my process. if i feel judged by someone it is actually me judging myself. if i seek approval from someone it is actually me seeking approval from myself. if i feel someone is seperating me, its actually me existing in seperation.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in seperation.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that anything put towards another MUST be brought back to self. every time.
i forgive myself for aceepting and allowing myself to create this idea of comfort in keeping.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this idea that its "better" to keep every emotionally charged connection.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that anything but ME can "make" me feel rejected.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, in every moment, that i am the controller of that which i experience within me.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to shift blame to self responsibility.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait to write about this point abling myself to uncover the root.
i forgive myself for accpeting and allowing myself to carry resentment towards my father.
i forgive myself for accepeting and allowing myself to carry resentment towards my "bestfriend".
i forgive myself for accpeting and allowing myself to ignore this point of resentment towards my father and friend because this point has presented its self before and was ignored by not existing, in every moment, in self honesty. ignoring is ignorance.