"it may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. we are like eggs at present. and you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. we must be hatched or go bad. " -c.s. lewis

Friday, October 28, 2011

consequences, emotion, realisations, self support, walking

its been a trying couple of days for myself. dealing with tons of shit and having to realise that being emotional and reacting within emotion actually does nothing. and this is a true statement though many may mention the "realease" that one feels after a good cry or after a fight feeling as though something we dealt with however that is not the practical way to deal with anything and what needs to be dealt with, within dealing this way, is actual disregarded in favor of doing something that makes self feel better. its actually unnecessary if one is walking constantly. being emotional when faced with hard times is kinda like a cop-out/ a 'woe is tree'/a give up. its like saying "i give up because i dont feel i can walk through this situation so instead i will sit here and be emotional about it". its kinda selfish really, getting emotional. and goes back to the beginning point i had to face through these trying couple of days. abdication of responsibility... hellboy died. when he first came into the house he was not "my fish". i didnt see him as "my fish". and in that 'hes not mine' mind i did not take full responsibility for him. though i could see that responsibility was needed with him, because i had not made him "mine" in my head (mind fuckery) yet. i did not walk within responsibility for this being because this being was not "mine". this is a big point within our world i realised. there are many things we need to take collective responsibility for in which we do not because we see these things as not "my problem". so all these things that we see as not "my problem" (the starvation of someone else or someone elses children, the rape of someone else or someone elses children, the abuse of someone else or someone elses children, war, etc..) have consequences if they are not dealt with practically. hence, the world. we dont feel we should or even that we can take responsibility for them. because we have not mentally attached the problem to ourselves. which is a mind fuck because wether we mentally attach the problem to ourselves or not, we are still the constant. our collective abdication of responsibility in the world is a direct reflection of the abdication of responsibility within each one of us. so because of my abdication of responsibility for hellboy, i did not deal with the cleaning of his little tank at first. i would feed him, but not take full responsibility for him as a whole. by the time i actually mentally decided to make him "mine" the consequences of by abdication of responsibility were already on their way within the physical (which moves and continues its support without goodness, badness, or judgement--so supportive, the physical. blog to come on how supportive the physical just being the physical is). all those weeks of not taking responsibility for his tank water and researching how to properly take care of a beta fish were still here even though i had recently considered my responsibility through the mental connection of "mine". there is no escaping responsibility. so in the morning i went to feed hellboy and he had this gray film all over his body and he was moving sluggish. his water was clear and clean but he looked terrible. i took him out of the water and called the pet store. i told them what was going on and they asked if his tank was clean. to which i said yes. they informed me that if you put food in a beta tank and the fish does not eat the food within 5 minutes we should take the food out of the tank because the food grows bacteria and its deposited within the water and the fish is constantly in the water so the bacteria is deposited within the fish. this physically manifest fungus on the fish. she said they sell drops that u can add to the water to help the fish. i called my sister and told her hellboy wasnt doing very good and needed this drops to help him. she said she would take me to get them when she got off work as i was watching my niece at home. throughout the day he got worst and worst til he took his last breath. by the time the fungus manifested physically it was too late. the consequences for my abdication of responsibility for this life was already here......

right after hellboy died (before i had a look at myself within it) my little sister called and told me that she joined the army. i did not take this well. knowing that my sister does not like war or superiority or authority or being made to feel inferior i knew that this was about money. and i called her out on that. she says money is not the main reason and spouted out some shit that was spouted out to her from a recruiter about security and setting up life for her and her future children. i told her was is fucking ignorant and that she has many other options but shes taking this "easy" route because of the money they are promising her and shes not considering that she could be sent to fight and die. she says she could die right now. yes, but that does not mean u should go play in traffic. looking at this in relation to myself i see that i recall when i was approached with the "opportunity" to join the army. my roomate and i at the time wasnt making much money at our amazon.com factor job so we were about to join the army. the recruiter made promises and said what he could do for me and my life. i had just found desteni and jack and was at a pretty crazy place in my process but ultimately i could not do something like that for money... my sister wanted to end the conversation with the manipulative 'i love u?' to which i did not want to sugar coat reality with that emotional goodbye. after ten minutes of overwhelming tears i had to look at myself within this all. i was actually disappointed with my sister. disappointed that she was taking what is seen as an "easy way" in life, instead of facing her laziness and fear of survival. i realised i was judging her (in relation to what i did and apparent made the idea in my head that its the same thing she should have done) instead of supporting her. and supporting her did not necessarily mean saying "great! u joined the army, ur going to get money. thats awesome ur doing something with ur life". i was just telling her how bullshit the decision was and how i was not going to support it. not realising i can support the sister without supporting the decision. and this is something i have to realise in relation to my facebook which i have been accepting and allowing to get to me. half my facebook is destonians or the awakening which is fucking awesome. the links they post, comments, likes-- its all supportive. and then half my facebook is fuckery which fucking suks. the links, comments and likes these people post are straight fucking bullshit. and i have to see myself within this as well. i was a fuckery supporter for many many many many years. so even if these fuckers are showing me what i myself supported for so long they are showing me something in relation to myself and the oneness that is all of us. and i can support the fuckers without supporting the fuckery.

then i come home from orientation at my new job, third job (ba, nanny, *factory work), to find out my brother and sister(brothers gf) broke up. the brother and sister that just had a baby together four months ago. he told me he cheated on her. i told him he was on some complete fucking bullshit. he says he knows and he didnt mean for it to happen or to hurt her. our world is paved with "good intentions"... anyway i asked him if he was going to fight for her. he said he doesnt deserve to have her and he doesnt expect her to forgive him. i mentioned that my ex was not willing to deal with our bullshit with me either. and as he could see we are not partners anymore. i left to go and get my car title and tags and when i got back he had already moved out. ugh, now this was something i definitely had to bring back to myself. i have only had one boyfriend in my 28 years. my ex. and i did not cheat on him. but if uve read my blog u know that i have been apart of others cheating before. which,in actuality, means that i have assisted and supported and accepted and allowed cheating. which is, ive realised, unacceptable in any form. its grown from lies, deception, abdication of responsibility and disrespect of another person. all of which are at the forefront of much fuckery and bullshit in our world as a whole. within participating with cheating, whether its my cheating or anothers cheating, we accept and allow cheating to exist in the world. and i am aware that within a competition capitalistic based society someone will always want to cheat, compete and capitalize on another. more the reason why the implementation of another system that does not support this shit should be investigated. because our current system REQUIRES bullshit. u cannot NOT participate within the bullshit because its sprinkled all through our current system. an equal money system would support us to realise ourselves as equal to life. and realise the only thing that has value here is life. so we can weed out all this bullshit that is not supportive to us/the world at all.

and i continue to walk..

Sunday, October 23, 2011

roscoe, pets and george

walking downstairs this morning i noticed a ladybug at the top of the stairs. it wasnt moving so i went to pick it up on this piece of plastic and check it out. he started moving so i knew he was alive and i went to take him out the front door. on the way to the front door i noticed he was having trouble moving. i got outside the door and i went to put it in the bush but, well i just didnt lol. i brought him back in and told my sister i thought its legs were fucked up cause it was having trouble walking. i walked upstairs with it then walked downstairs and out the door again then back inside. i told my sister i was going to do some research on ladybugs before i put it outside. so i came in and placed it on my aloe plant and went online. i found out that there are over 5000 different species of ladybug and 400 here in north america. they are omnivores which mean they can eat asphids (other bugs found on plants) or damp rasins :). i read, to give it water one should we a paper towel to damp but not dripping so the ladybug can drink from it. so i immediately went to do that. i placed the small starter piece of paper towel near him on my aloe plant. he was already touching it when i came back to check on him. i moved it a little bit away to see if he was actually drinking from it and he promptly moved back to where he was touching it. so i realised he WAS drinking from it. they live 1-3 years depending on the conditions. the male and female ladybugs both have spots and u cant really tell the sex visually unless u compare tons of ladybugs because females are usually larger. my sister heard somewhere that all females are spotless so instead of resting in what was heard we looked it up. this was a 16 spotted beetle. ladybugs are sometimes kept during the winter and released in the spring time. its best to release a ladybug u find inside during months when the weather is warm so it has time to find a place to hibernate for the winter. yes! ladybugs hibernate like bears. and since its cold out right now and could snow any day i realised this ladybug probably wont find a place to get snug so i decided to have it as a guest and named him roscoe :). just a name that came to me. i checked to make sure i wasnt connecting him to any other past memories or anything and saw clarity. so, roscoe is here for as long as he is here. the plan is to keep him until the spring and then let him go. i am not sure if hes a boy or girl but ladybugs wont lay eggs if they are hibernating inside a home. even if they did, he is still welcome here.

i needed to go to the pet store to pick up some things. i have three pets right now ( or they have me :)..four in u include roscoe. ganja is my snake. shes a ball python. i have had ganja for about 5 or 6 years now. she belonged to a friend of mine who bought her when she was really small. i would go see her at his place or hed bring her when he came to visit but the land lady at his place did not want them to have a snake. so he asked if i wanted her. i did! i was really into snakes for some reason and i really liked/thought it was kinda cool that i was totally afraid of birds (at that time) but loved snakes. fucking silliness... so i got ganja. at the pet store i got ganja mice. two large. there were some mice mommas in there nursing their tiny little hairless mice babies. i asked the guy who was helping me,nick, when do they take the mice away from the mother to be sold as feeders. he said they actually sell them now. i said, really? i was kinda sad about it. ya know, babies being ripped away from the parents so young. i mean, fuck these little mice babies couldnt even walk. nick says, well what are u feeding? i said a ball python snake. he says well consider that small snakes, baby snakes, have to eat too. i was like, damn, ur right about that. its all about context. it is NOT the same as us ripping baby elephants from their parents to abuse them and make them do stupid ass tricks for our amusement. and one must be careful to not create ideas in which to refer to later. careful that realisations do not become twisted ideas and future assumptions. that is not living. that is not here. that is the mind creating and directing. i realised that i had saw the video on elephants and ringling brothers and actually created this idea about babies and parents and forgot about practicality and oneness within it all as the bottom line. so that was cool to realise.

chaka is my dog. my buddy. my pal :). shes so cool. i got her when i was breaking up with my ex. he never wanted me to have a dog and i knew things were fucked and fucking us both and i was about to leave anyway (which i did) so i got chaka :). i found her online on a site similar to craigslist. a woman two hours away had chaka and her brother. i drove to get her, got into a hit and run car accident, car broken down on the way back ( my boyfriend at the times car). but chaka and i were fine. and we were together. at the pet store i got a chew toy for chaka. a small toy that looks like a tire that you can place peanut butter into. she digs it.

hellboy is my beta fish. my sister was in town for a couple months and brought him over from my aunts place. my aunt got it for my cousins but they had no interest in it. it had all the componets with it: a small plastic "fish tank", a net, food, plants (fake ones).. all of which he did not seem to enjoy at all. he was trying to swim around but putting one fake plant in there took up so much room. i asked my sister if she didnt mind me taking him when i moved out. my brother named him 'cherry g' when he first came but i saw him as and named him hellboy for his bright colors. my sister said she didnt mind if i took him so i am. she was looking at the fish tanks when i was getting mice and called me over mentioning it may be cool to get hellboy a live plant for his tank and also said that i could use one of the old vases in the kitchen to give him more room. so i chose the red melon plant. the color of the center leave resembled hellboys color.

we walked down the isle looking at all the fish. i would sometimes say "hello fish" and tap on the glass. we were talking a couple of days ago about the echo through the water of a fish tank if u tap on it but we didnt have a clear answer. one of the guys was filling a tank and i asked him if the fish hear a loud echo when we tap on the glass. he said yes they do and its actually very loud and uncomfortable for the fish. that the sound travels in the water and fucks with the fish. in not a cool way at all. i asked him, why do we not talk about this? he said, well u didnt ask me. -- and i want to mention that for a split second (really a split second) i got a little pissy. i thought " damn that was a pissy ass response." but i quickly got the fuck out of my head and back there in the isle with him and realised his answer wasnt pissy at all. it was actual. i asked him why we didnt talk about this and many people assume we means u and me only. so thats the response he gave. we (he and i) didnt talk about it before because i did not ask him. so when i realised that i knew that if i put a bit of emphasis on the WE he would broaden the part to the whole. -- i said, no, why dont WE talk about this. he said, u know what i am not sure. and he said how he thinks that is the problem with society. we dont talk or want to talk about many things. i agreed of course. we talked about people limiting themselves and not being able to see themselves in another. he said he has kids and they are the reason he wants to be more open and honest because.. and he was having trouble getting it out. so i said, this is not the world u want reflected in ur childrens eyes. he says exactly. we talked for a while in the isle, he my sister and i. and its funny to watch the physical. its so fucking supportive for self awareness and being HERE. because when i first started talking to him he wasnt mean at all but his body was really stiff. and it showed. as we talked his muscles loosened up and he was just there with us. his name is george. he is the manager at the pet store. cool guy. shook my hand and asked if we'd come in to chat again. which i totally will.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

halloween - hollow we

so im not into halloween anymore lol. and i really have to laugh out loud at this process ive gone through with halloween. growing up we did not celebrate halloween. it was looked at as a pagan holiday and my family, as rastafarians, seperated ourselves from those we considered pagan or wicked. so, no halloween growing up. i was interested in it. i would not have minded some candy like the other kids but it wasnt something that was pressing to me or something i felt very left out with. i did look at the..well i guess the word is ridiculousness. i did look at what i saw as ridiculousness of the holiday at a young age. the dressing up as things and going to random houses to ask for candy, the picking of pumpkins and carving them into faces. i always thought people HAD to do something else with them besides the carving. ( we, as a society, waste so much food then we cry about how we all "care" about starvation ). i thought it was all pretty wierd, but i did want to be apart of it. the first time i dressed up i was with my grandmother. my fathers mother. she is a baptist and did not agree with many of the decisions my parents made regarding us and saw them as complete silliness.. our dreadlocked hair, our not getting of immunizations or vaccines, our rastafarian ways, etc.. so to me she felt like she was introducing me to some side i was missing out on by letting me dress up as a witch and trick or treat at the mall. it wasnt very much fun in actuality. so i didnt really deal with halloween for a while. then i grew up and halloween became about something else entirely...
it was no longer about dressing up in a costume and going out to get candy. no, in college halloween became about dressing up as cute/sexy/slutty a girl could be in her costume and going out to get drunk as fuck. ive been my share of slutty [insert noun here]. slutty referee, slutty brick house, slutty queen of hearts, slutty cow girl, slutty hippie. this is the portrayal of halloween for young girls now. every costume a celebrity wears or is shown in the media is a slutty this or that. people already have no clue what it is we are REALLY ACTUALLY celebrating within ANY given holiday. now halloween has been so sexed up and energy infused, the bottom line that we celebrate bullshit is not seen. and we continue to be bullshit generators..... within starting this process of facing and realising myself both as i accept and allow myself to be and as i really honestly am -as life-, i decided to make a point to face my fears. fears are a form of accepted limitation. and thats really all fears do. limit self from self directing within action. some people say that fears are protection from bad situations. to keep self alert or always in protection of self. well, that is a fucked up way to be. thats not living at all. thats resting in the experince and self created comfort of fear. i would suggest to be HERE and aware in every moment instead of being directed by fear. an example i had with a friend of mine: i was driving the car and she was in the passengers seat. her bottle of water fell from her hand and rolled under the pedal of the breaks. she accesses memories and ideas from the past, stories she had seen or heard of people dying in horrible car wrecks for this reason or that reason and fear kicks in. shes all "omg tree the bottle the bottle! its under the pedal!". i say to her," breathe. relax. and reach down there and pick it up." she did and i told her in any given situation either we let something else direct us, like fear towards panic and self limitation, or we direct ourselves to do what needs to be done. i told her if i too would have let fear direct me when the bottle rolled under there we would have easily been in a car accident. and the fucked up part is we would have blamed the bottle! lol. to this day she says she keeps that realisation we had in the car that day with her and uses it within situations of being directed by fear or by self. so within the process of self REAL-EYESation, i make a point to face and delete my fears. halloween, after the slut factor, became about the haunted houses and generating the energy from fear. it was about finding the best scarriest ones possible. and i had enjoyed that fear. id go to a haunted house with an arm to squeeze throughout the whole thing. i would have my eyes closed a lot but the energy excites and intices. upon seeing the bullshit that is fears, i wanted to test myself. i went with my boyfriend at the time to a haunted house that was really far away. this place was known to be the scarriest because the people are allowed to touch u and grab u. which at a typical haunted house is not allowed. so i thought this place would be great. there were clowns everywhere. that was a big fear of mine. --and really its interesting now that i do not accpet and allow myself to harbor fears because when i was afraid of these things ( clowns, feet, birds, the dark, haunted houses..) its like i was proud of my roster of fears. like, hello! my name is tree and theeeeeese are my FEARS! it was like a tada! these are them!. and many people have this relationship with their fears. they fucking love them. they list them. they share them. they stand by them. they are okay with them. no one ever thinks to face the shit.-- so clowns was a big fear. walking through this place was so different than any experience i had ever had at a haunted house. i was use to making it this big thing in my head. getting ready for fear, anticipating it, wanting it, wanting it to take me. that was no more. so i walked around this place and looked at people dressed up in clown costumes and they didnt look at animated as i was use to making them in my head or as " oh my goodness this MAY actually be a murdering clown in front of me". they were just people in make up and costumes. it was a eye opening experience for myself to step back, collect self and walk into this sittuation i had been in many and many of times before, for the first time. :).
so nowadays i have friends that want me to do this and that for halloween. would rather push the norm than see the truth about our holidays and celebratory ignorance. but im so not into halloween anymore lol. the getting candy, the dressing up, the fear factor, the disregard. i dont know if we will celebrate any holidays in an equal money system. at least im sure not the ones we do now. im all for letting all this bullshit go. halloween is a hollow time for me. i see hollowness everywhere.

halloween - hollow we.

Friday, October 14, 2011

baby found in trash bin being eaten by ants, prayer

im seeing this photo passed around facebook with the title 'facebook prayer request. please pray for this baby that was found in a bin being eaten by ants :(' and some that say 'if u have a heart then pass this along'

it is completly ignorant to pass this picture around asking people to pray for this child. this child is not happy about or thankful for this choice of actions upon hearing it was dumped in a trash bag and almost eaten alive by ants. this is not what this child wants or needs.

we, as a society, need to get fucking real. we have been praying for shit to happen for eons and eons of time which is funny to me because we also accept that the person who we think we are praying to does what he wants and does what it is his will and does what he sees fit. so the very act in our praying for shit but also saying 'if he gives it he gives it. if he doesnt he doesnt want it to be for some secret reason' is redundant cause ultimately all is up to the "plan" or the desires of the egoic god. so that is why we accept that starvation, rape, abuse of animals, inequality, manipulation, wars are things that we cannot do anything to stop. because we accept that we prayed for it to stop and it didnt stop, so there is no more that we can do but live with it as best we can. this is the attitude of those who rest in prayer.
2 corinthians 20:1-30 "the battle is the lords". it is taught in the bible that the world is a battle and the battle is the lords. as a result of prayer we have become complacent within the abdication of responsibility. which is why when one feels they know they can do nothing for u, they pray for u. --prayer requires an 'i am limited/ i am inferior/ i am unable' attitude. and that is NOT what that child/ any child being brought into this world needs from the beings here. the "grown" ups.

this child has some questions:

what, the fuck, is prayer going to do for me?
where was prayer and mercy before i was placed in a trash bin?
why do u hear what has happened to me, and other atrocities to other babies and not consider requiring preparation for parenting here?
do u care about babies enouch to change ur ways of treating all beings in general?
do u want to stop abuse and the things within beings that causes one to abuse another or just sit, eyes closed to the reality of it and pray that it stops?
why do u not see that the world reflects what we allow to live in each one of us?
if ur prayers have done nothing for the countless beings that are currently starving,being beaten, raped, sold into sex slavery, all under the accepted system of abuse in the world, what do u think prayer will do for me?
why have u not considered an equal money system?

we need to change the definiton of being a human being to one that respects all life equally. so none are ever disrespected and disgarded. stop praying for change and manifest it with us. investigate a new system. one that values life. period. www.equalmoney.org

Thursday, October 13, 2011

touchdown jesus

there is a church not too far from my house. in 2004 the church spent $250,000 to build this 60 foot statue of jesus made out of fiberglass and foam in which they insured for about twice that amount by adding in the cost for time that was DONATED by artist to the project of building this big ass jesus. this church has become "famous" because of this big ass jesus they have. people come from all over the world to get a look at this big ass jesus and sit through a sermon in the church next to the big ass jesus.

last year there was a lightning storm here in my city. the right hand of the jesus statue was struck by the lightning and the big ass jesus quickly burned to the ground causing $700,000 in damages to the area.

considering the beLIEfs of many christians one would think after the right hand of god was struck by lightning that religious people would take this as a sign. maybe that god would not be on board with spending $250,000 on a big ass statue of jesus when there are countless other practical uses for money.
lets see -- there is starvation world wide, people are dying of diseases that have cures because of the value placed in money instead of life, all people do not have access to clean water, all people do not have access to shelter and the current system accepts and allows this. so if we accept and allow the current system, we accept and allow and give permission for these things to be. for a group of people that say the core message they operate from is 'love they neighbor as thy self', supporting a complete and utter deletion of this accepted and allowed system of abuse and an implementation of a system that supports life would be step one in actually living the message of 'love they neighbor as thy self'.

BUT NO! first thought was to rebuild the big ass jesus. and this new big ass jesus is planned to be even bigger than the last big ass jesus. the church is planning to spend between $300,000 and $700,000 on this new big ass jesus. this new big ass jesus will be made of non flammable material and also come equipt with a lightning suppression system. take that god! try and burn this one down..

here comes PETA to add manipulation to the mix. but this time they arent attempting to use sex to sell veganism. this time, its god. PETA offered to fund the rebuild of touchdown jesus under the CONdition that the church place the words 'blessed are the merciful. go vegan' clearly visible on the new big ass jesus. darlene bishop, a co-pastor at the church, said in response to the offer, "we're not interested. we raise cattle. we will never build a statue with the stipulation that we would have to advertise for PETA."

many are protesting the rebuild. the leadership from the church says that the statue was a symbol, not for worship. "its such a monument. its like, people know monroe by the statue of jesus. its important that we rebuild."- darlene bishop. there are many question to ask here. why, the fuck, is a $700,000 symbol needed at all? do we want this symbol to display superiority to other churches and get attention? are there other practical useful things that can be done with this $700,000? why are we all not taking steps to make big changes but settle within small changes that barely have an impact on the totality of the world? is the goal to make an impact, or make a big ass jesus? reality is being ignored here. which is actually very common within people in general. people are so caught up within their beLIEfs systems and 'my world's that the whole of this planet that we all live on is being disregarded and thoroughly abused.

the system WE accept and allow is one that accepts and allows the attrocities in this world to continue. lies, manipulation and the stepping on of others are all pre requisites within the current system. it is undeniable, the fuckedupness of this system if looked at with self honesty. only takes for each one of us to give a fuck about us as a WHOLE and do what is neccessary for ALL of us to live a life of dignity and respect. this is why i support an equal money system. a system that values life, always. not profit, ever. in an equal money system the ideas that promote the seperation of us as a WHOLE ( religion, competition, class, ideas of superiority/inferiority, the polarized existance, etc ) will be addressed and eradicated. as they do not support the WHOLE but only the mind of the part. that is why we currently sit and what others die of starvation. because our part feels comfy and fed. so we dont really worry about what the whole is going through. this self seperation it the cause of all issues in our world. people not seeing themselves in and as another. this is unacceptable for our oneness is present in fact.

investigate the equal money system. a system of 100% change. a change in our collective mentality and our collective world. www.equalmoney.org

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

the illusion and the reality

in our world, currently, we are taught to value the illusion. we prefer the lie over the truth. we prefer to view the part and disregard the whole. we look at the truth with fear and an unfamiliar eye. its really fucking sick when really looking at what this means within our everyday world. when we look at how this value we give to the illusion over reality actually manifest itself.
lets look at giving to charity for example. the starting point for people who give to charity is wanting to help. yes. but lets look at the WHOLE of it. not just that very small part in which to look at. people want to help but our current defintion of helping is within a self accepted limited definiton. we currently help within conditions and limitations. that is not real help. so we want to help but the definiton of help we are currently operating from, well sucks. we see that there is a huge issue, take starvation for example, and we want to help with that issue. instead of coming up with a solution to irradicate the issue we settke for feeding a village. in reality, that does nothing for the reasons starvation exist. that does nothing for the reasons we as beings think it is ok to sit and watch another die. that does nothing for the reasons familys are not able to eat. it simply feeds a village once that will continue to need charity to be fed because the root of the issue was never looked at. charity is a slick little fucking business. the main illusion about charity is the illusion that we are helping another. charity is actually very self interested when all the points of giving and helping and paths to change are looked at. say i give money every month to a charity that feeds children. in actuality whats being done is me making myself feel better every month about the fact that so many kids need to be fed. and by continuing to be okay with helping the few we disregard the many. me giving money every month does nothing for the reasons children need to be fed. but i rest in the illusion that i am helping kids when in reality, i would be just helping myself.
i use to give value to an illusion as i disregarded the reality of the whole in relation to watching porn. use to fucking love porn. would spend some entire days watching porn. would tell myself, " im not hurting anyone. its just porn. everyone has sex what is the big deal about looking at everyone have sex? watching porn doesnt harm anyone. " even after starting this process of realising myself and taking notice to the things i never cared to take notice to before i was still watching porn. a couple of months ago i told myself, no fucking more. everytime i thought about watching porn i made a point to consider porn as a WHOLE. not just the part in which im naked in front of a computer. so what is porn as a WHOLE? porn, in a word, is abuse. most women do not want to do porn. many of these women came from shity households with people that touched them as young girls or parents that never guided them into realising self worth or beings that never got the opportunity to do anything different or being that developed a 'no other choice' attitude because of the way many of our children are raised or beings that were forced or sold into the business. porn is more than pictures on a computer screen. many young girls around the world are forced to prostitute themselves. some sold by their parents into the abuse for lack of money. i mean, one has to really be without to sell their child to be abused and raped. but this happens. business men fly overseas to purchase little boys for sex. this happens. but all the while this WHOLE of porn was happening i would focus on my "small' part in it. which was getting off in front of a computer as i accepted and allowed abuse. so whenever i wanted to rest in the part id expand my view to the whole and see myself within it. that was it for me and the illusion of porn.
i showed my sister this video of what we do to pigs at pig farms. she didnt want to see it and i kind of forced her to watch it because she was so fearful and resistant. she damn near cried watching how we beat the pig babies and castrate them while they scream in pain and throw the little babies around like garbage bags. now she says that i ruined pork for her and she doesnt want to eat it. we were at chipotle the other day and she didnt get any meat in her food. i asked her why didnt she get meat. she says she still liked chicken but she didnt like the seasoning on chipotles chicken and that it sucked that she didnt like the seasoning on chipotles chicken because their chicken is free range chicken. meaning the chickens are allowed to walk around as they please in open space instead of being contained. meaning my sister would feel better about eating the meat of chipotle chickens because they are free range not seeing that this disregards the fact that we treat chickens, as a WHOLE, like shit. now my sister and many other people i know rest in the illusion that eating or valueing chipotle chicken is actually helping the issue of the abuse of chickens when in reality they are helping themselves to feel better about the abuse. not helping to stop the abuse. not eating meat or a certain type of meat does NOTHING for manifesting respect of animal beings in general. its an attempt to take self out of the equation of collective responsibility. which is impossible.

let us stop resting in comfort within our illusions. lets shake ourselves up. burst these delusional bubbles and let us get real.