consequences, emotion, realisations, self support, walking

its been a trying couple of days for myself. dealing with tons of shit and having to realise that being emotional and reacting within emotion actually does nothing. and this is a true statement though many may mention the "realease" that one feels after a good cry or after a fight feeling as though something we dealt with however that is not the practical way to deal with anything and what needs to be dealt with, within dealing this way, is actual disregarded in favor of doing something that makes self feel better. its actually unnecessary if one is walking constantly. being emotional when faced with hard times is kinda like a cop-out/ a 'woe is tree'/a give up. its like saying "i give up because i dont feel i can walk through this situation so instead i will sit here and be emotional about it". its kinda selfish really, getting emotional. and goes back to the beginning point i had to face through these trying couple of days. abdication of responsibility... hellboy died. when he first came into the house he was not "my fish". i didnt see him as "my fish". and in that 'hes not mine' mind i did not take full responsibility for him. though i could see that responsibility was needed with him, because i had not made him "mine" in my head (mind fuckery) yet. i did not walk within responsibility for this being because this being was not "mine". this is a big point within our world i realised. there are many things we need to take collective responsibility for in which we do not because we see these things as not "my problem". so all these things that we see as not "my problem" (the starvation of someone else or someone elses children, the rape of someone else or someone elses children, the abuse of someone else or someone elses children, war, etc..) have consequences if they are not dealt with practically. hence, the world. we dont feel we should or even that we can take responsibility for them. because we have not mentally attached the problem to ourselves. which is a mind fuck because wether we mentally attach the problem to ourselves or not, we are still the constant. our collective abdication of responsibility in the world is a direct reflection of the abdication of responsibility within each one of us. so because of my abdication of responsibility for hellboy, i did not deal with the cleaning of his little tank at first. i would feed him, but not take full responsibility for him as a whole. by the time i actually mentally decided to make him "mine" the consequences of by abdication of responsibility were already on their way within the physical (which moves and continues its support without goodness, badness, or judgement--so supportive, the physical. blog to come on how supportive the physical just being the physical is). all those weeks of not taking responsibility for his tank water and researching how to properly take care of a beta fish were still here even though i had recently considered my responsibility through the mental connection of "mine". there is no escaping responsibility. so in the morning i went to feed hellboy and he had this gray film all over his body and he was moving sluggish. his water was clear and clean but he looked terrible. i took him out of the water and called the pet store. i told them what was going on and they asked if his tank was clean. to which i said yes. they informed me that if you put food in a beta tank and the fish does not eat the food within 5 minutes we should take the food out of the tank because the food grows bacteria and its deposited within the water and the fish is constantly in the water so the bacteria is deposited within the fish. this physically manifest fungus on the fish. she said they sell drops that u can add to the water to help the fish. i called my sister and told her hellboy wasnt doing very good and needed this drops to help him. she said she would take me to get them when she got off work as i was watching my niece at home. throughout the day he got worst and worst til he took his last breath. by the time the fungus manifested physically it was too late. the consequences for my abdication of responsibility for this life was already here......

right after hellboy died (before i had a look at myself within it) my little sister called and told me that she joined the army. i did not take this well. knowing that my sister does not like war or superiority or authority or being made to feel inferior i knew that this was about money. and i called her out on that. she says money is not the main reason and spouted out some shit that was spouted out to her from a recruiter about security and setting up life for her and her future children. i told her was is fucking ignorant and that she has many other options but shes taking this "easy" route because of the money they are promising her and shes not considering that she could be sent to fight and die. she says she could die right now. yes, but that does not mean u should go play in traffic. looking at this in relation to myself i see that i recall when i was approached with the "opportunity" to join the army. my roomate and i at the time wasnt making much money at our amazon.com factor job so we were about to join the army. the recruiter made promises and said what he could do for me and my life. i had just found desteni and jack and was at a pretty crazy place in my process but ultimately i could not do something like that for money... my sister wanted to end the conversation with the manipulative 'i love u?' to which i did not want to sugar coat reality with that emotional goodbye. after ten minutes of overwhelming tears i had to look at myself within this all. i was actually disappointed with my sister. disappointed that she was taking what is seen as an "easy way" in life, instead of facing her laziness and fear of survival. i realised i was judging her (in relation to what i did and apparent made the idea in my head that its the same thing she should have done) instead of supporting her. and supporting her did not necessarily mean saying "great! u joined the army, ur going to get money. thats awesome ur doing something with ur life". i was just telling her how bullshit the decision was and how i was not going to support it. not realising i can support the sister without supporting the decision. and this is something i have to realise in relation to my facebook which i have been accepting and allowing to get to me. half my facebook is destonians or the awakening which is fucking awesome. the links they post, comments, likes-- its all supportive. and then half my facebook is fuckery which fucking suks. the links, comments and likes these people post are straight fucking bullshit. and i have to see myself within this as well. i was a fuckery supporter for many many many many years. so even if these fuckers are showing me what i myself supported for so long they are showing me something in relation to myself and the oneness that is all of us. and i can support the fuckers without supporting the fuckery.

then i come home from orientation at my new job, third job (ba, nanny, *factory work), to find out my brother and sister(brothers gf) broke up. the brother and sister that just had a baby together four months ago. he told me he cheated on her. i told him he was on some complete fucking bullshit. he says he knows and he didnt mean for it to happen or to hurt her. our world is paved with "good intentions"... anyway i asked him if he was going to fight for her. he said he doesnt deserve to have her and he doesnt expect her to forgive him. i mentioned that my ex was not willing to deal with our bullshit with me either. and as he could see we are not partners anymore. i left to go and get my car title and tags and when i got back he had already moved out. ugh, now this was something i definitely had to bring back to myself. i have only had one boyfriend in my 28 years. my ex. and i did not cheat on him. but if uve read my blog u know that i have been apart of others cheating before. which,in actuality, means that i have assisted and supported and accepted and allowed cheating. which is, ive realised, unacceptable in any form. its grown from lies, deception, abdication of responsibility and disrespect of another person. all of which are at the forefront of much fuckery and bullshit in our world as a whole. within participating with cheating, whether its my cheating or anothers cheating, we accept and allow cheating to exist in the world. and i am aware that within a competition capitalistic based society someone will always want to cheat, compete and capitalize on another. more the reason why the implementation of another system that does not support this shit should be investigated. because our current system REQUIRES bullshit. u cannot NOT participate within the bullshit because its sprinkled all through our current system. an equal money system would support us to realise ourselves as equal to life. and realise the only thing that has value here is life. so we can weed out all this bullshit that is not supportive to us/the world at all.

and i continue to walk..

baby found in trash bin being eaten by ants, prayer

im seeing this photo passed around facebook with the title 'facebook prayer request. please pray for this baby that was found in a bin being eaten by ants :(' and some that say 'if u have a heart then pass this along'


it is completly ignorant to pass this picture around asking people to pray for this child. this child is not happy about or thankful for this choice of actions upon hearing it was dumped in a trash bag and almost eaten alive by ants. this is not what this child wants or needs.



we, as a society, need to get fucking real. we have been praying for shit to happen for eons and eons of time which is funny to me because we also accept that the person who we think we are praying to does what he wants and does what it is his will and does what he sees fit. so the very act in our praying for shit but also saying 'if he gives it he gives it. if he doesnt he doesnt want it to be for some secret reason' is redundant cause ultimately all is up to the "plan" or the desires of the egoic god. so that is why we accept that starvation, rape, abuse of animals, inequality, manipulation, wars are things that we cannot do anything to stop. because we accept that we prayed for it to stop and it didnt stop, so there is no more that we can do but live with it as best we can. this is the attitude of those who rest in prayer.
2 corinthians 20:1-30 "the battle is the lords". it is taught in the bible that the world is a battle and the battle is the lords. as a result of prayer we have become complacent within the abdication of responsibility. which is why when one feels they know they can do nothing for u, they pray for u. --prayer requires an 'i am limited/ i am inferior/ i am unable' attitude. and that is NOT what that child/ any child being brought into this world needs from the beings here. the "grown" ups.


this child has some questions:

what, the fuck, is prayer going to do for me?
where was prayer and mercy before i was placed in a trash bin?
why do u hear what has happened to me, and other atrocities to other babies and not consider requiring preparation for parenting here?
do u care about babies enouch to change ur ways of treating all beings in general?
do u want to stop abuse and the things within beings that causes one to abuse another or just sit, eyes closed to the reality of it and pray that it stops?
why do u not see that the world reflects what we allow to live in each one of us?
if ur prayers have done nothing for the countless beings that are currently starving,being beaten, raped, sold into sex slavery, all under the accepted system of abuse in the world, what do u think prayer will do for me?
why have u not considered an equal money system?


we need to change the definiton of being a human being to one that respects all life equally. so none are ever disrespected and disgarded. stop praying for change and manifest it with us. investigate a new system. one that values life. period. www.equalmoney.org

work

so working at this place again has been a interesting experience. i havent worked here since 2008. when i worked there before i was smoking cigs all the time and i was addicted to caffiene. i mean, at that point i wasnt taking responsibility for myself and my body and my sleep and my wake and many other things. so rain sleet or snow every break or lunch i was outside smoking like a chimney. and every morning i got coffee and every lunch a dew. dew has the most caff in it i was told. so i used that and coffee to get me through working this 3rd shift job where i am up when i would "normally" be sleep. so now that i have been off cigs and the caff for months now the experience is quite different. its funny, i stopped these things within myself by myself but i was not able to truely realize myself within smoking cigs and drinking the caff all the time until i am stopped and see me as i was in other people. as they rush by me during our set in stone 15 min breaks or 30 min lunches, i see them as me and literally see how i disregarded all around me to get what i felt i NEEDED. and then how i bitched about how "unbareable" the conditions outside were (too cold/too hot) but id deal for a drag or three of a cig. that nicotine "fix" that i was willing to do much for. and then the caff/coffee. i mean, fuck. this is the greatest form of a legal acceptable "drug" if i ever seen one. i see many i work with drink at lease 3 cups in our 8 hour shift and 1 cup before the shift even starts. i get to literally see how i disregaded my responsibility for myself by accepting the idea that i cannot get through a 3rd shift without tons of coffee. if i did not get my coffee even if i was not tired id manifest the experience for myself. i allowed coffee to direct me instead of directing myself. and i see many doing that now that i am stepped back and seeing others as myself. there is an huge office building across from the square where all the buses pick up. a fifth third bank building. and in that building is a dunkin donuts. i went in to keep warm while i waited for my bus to go home. its about 8am so as im ending my day most are starting theirs. i watched many many people come from outside to get coffee or donuts and many many many people coming down from everywhere within the building money in hand looking like they NEEDED this coffee to get them through the day. if they day had enjoyment, it began with coffee. bopping up and down in line waiting. i remember being a "regular" at this place. now , the last time i walked into this building i was rushing in with three dollars in hand and the words "plain bagle with cream cheese and a large coffee" spilling out of my mouth. i use to run in here at the risk of missing my bus and not making it to work on time (either ur on time or ur not there at this job). i use to scrounge those three dollars on top of what i pay for bus fare and i did it feeling like it HAD to be done "or else". i had such great fear of falling asleep at work. if u fall asleep u are fired. that is it. a girl actually got fired today for sleeping. she slept yesterday and they gave her a second chance. she slept today and they made an announcement that we are not to sleep ever here. she fell asleep again and they told her to leave. now before when i worked here, there were no second chances. so i was in constant fear that i would fall asleep and lose my jjob so i created this "crazed coffee drinking, mountain dew devouring, quick smoking coocoo woman". now, i am able to see myself as i was, as we are. i try to be straight forward with people but not ...pushy i guess the word is. when someone sneezes at work everyone in singsongs "bless u". i ask aloud "why? why do we all say bless u?". no one wanted to touch that one. one guy who i had been having a common sense conversation goes " because that what we were taught to say by our parents when someone sneezes". i said now thats an honest answer and the only reason. "bless u" doesnt actually DO anything. or i heard two neighbors i was sitting next to having a converstation about random bullshit. then they started to talk about religion and i joined in. one was a christian and he was speaking about jesus and god and adam and eve and i was pointing out blatent inconsistencies in the stories and the idea of whos interpretation the bible is. showed that none of us follow the simple principle of -love thy neighbor as thy self- consistantly. and that is the most simple of points jesus tried to make while here. he agreed with my points. i starting talking about religions in general and how similar the points of seperation are. he mentioned something about terrorist and killing people and i told him that however christianity is the only religion in which u can be shitty ur entire life, rob, kill,cheat, rape, torture and then right before death accept jesus into ur heart and go to heaven. i asked him what sense did that make. he looked surprised and said true. i have gained this stigma, not a bad stigma or good stigma, as the girl who goes THERE lol. a new girl asked me for my advice. he father had just died a couple days ago and the funeral was today. at our job we are able to miss two days then we are fired. she already missed one because of an issue with the bus not being on time. and she would have to miss friday and saturday to go to another state for the funeral. there was her, myself and two or three other girls there. she asked what she should do. the other girls told her that she should go to the funeral no matter what, its her father, u'll regret it if u dont, and all this other stuff. i was quiet while they stated why she should go. then she asked, what do u think tree. i said, "well.." and they other girls go, "here she goes" and they laugh. i smiled and continued on to tell her that if she needs this job to assist and support herself then she should not miss days and get fired. point blank. her father wouldnt want her to compromise her life to look at his death. we all experience death but we can let it take us or let it go. i told her her father inst going to give a shit if she comes or not and shit like that is no longer his concern anyway. she said she understood. but she went anyway.