"it may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. we are like eggs at present. and you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. we must be hatched or go bad. " -c.s. lewis

Saturday, January 15, 2011


so working at this place again has been a interesting experience. i havent worked here since 2008. when i worked there before i was smoking cigs all the time and i was addicted to caffiene. i mean, at that point i wasnt taking responsibility for myself and my body and my sleep and my wake and many other things. so rain sleet or snow every break or lunch i was outside smoking like a chimney. and every morning i got coffee and every lunch a dew. dew has the most caff in it i was told. so i used that and coffee to get me through working this 3rd shift job where i am up when i would "normally" be sleep. so now that i have been off cigs and the caff for months now the experience is quite different. its funny, i stopped these things within myself by myself but i was not able to truely realize myself within smoking cigs and drinking the caff all the time until i am stopped and see me as i was in other people. as they rush by me during our set in stone 15 min breaks or 30 min lunches, i see them as me and literally see how i disregarded all around me to get what i felt i NEEDED. and then how i bitched about how "unbareable" the conditions outside were (too cold/too hot) but id deal for a drag or three of a cig. that nicotine "fix" that i was willing to do much for. and then the caff/coffee. i mean, fuck. this is the greatest form of a legal acceptable "drug" if i ever seen one. i see many i work with drink at lease 3 cups in our 8 hour shift and 1 cup before the shift even starts. i get to literally see how i disregaded my responsibility for myself by accepting the idea that i cannot get through a 3rd shift without tons of coffee. if i did not get my coffee even if i was not tired id manifest the experience for myself. i allowed coffee to direct me instead of directing myself. and i see many doing that now that i am stepped back and seeing others as myself. there is an huge office building across from the square where all the buses pick up. a fifth third bank building. and in that building is a dunkin donuts. i went in to keep warm while i waited for my bus to go home. its about 8am so as im ending my day most are starting theirs. i watched many many people come from outside to get coffee or donuts and many many many people coming down from everywhere within the building money in hand looking like they NEEDED this coffee to get them through the day. if they day had enjoyment, it began with coffee. bopping up and down in line waiting. i remember being a "regular" at this place. now , the last time i walked into this building i was rushing in with three dollars in hand and the words "plain bagle with cream cheese and a large coffee" spilling out of my mouth. i use to run in here at the risk of missing my bus and not making it to work on time (either ur on time or ur not there at this job). i use to scrounge those three dollars on top of what i pay for bus fare and i did it feeling like it HAD to be done "or else". i had such great fear of falling asleep at work. if u fall asleep u are fired. that is it. a girl actually got fired today for sleeping. she slept yesterday and they gave her a second chance. she slept today and they made an announcement that we are not to sleep ever here. she fell asleep again and they told her to leave. now before when i worked here, there were no second chances. so i was in constant fear that i would fall asleep and lose my jjob so i created this "crazed coffee drinking, mountain dew devouring, quick smoking coocoo woman". now, i am able to see myself as i was, as we are. i try to be straight forward with people but not ...pushy i guess the word is. when someone sneezes at work everyone in singsongs "bless u". i ask aloud "why? why do we all say bless u?". no one wanted to touch that one. one guy who i had been having a common sense conversation goes " because that what we were taught to say by our parents when someone sneezes". i said now thats an honest answer and the only reason. "bless u" doesnt actually DO anything. or i heard two neighbors i was sitting next to having a converstation about random bullshit. then they started to talk about religion and i joined in. one was a christian and he was speaking about jesus and god and adam and eve and i was pointing out blatent inconsistencies in the stories and the idea of whos interpretation the bible is. showed that none of us follow the simple principle of -love thy neighbor as thy self- consistantly. and that is the most simple of points jesus tried to make while here. he agreed with my points. i starting talking about religions in general and how similar the points of seperation are. he mentioned something about terrorist and killing people and i told him that however christianity is the only religion in which u can be shitty ur entire life, rob, kill,cheat, rape, torture and then right before death accept jesus into ur heart and go to heaven. i asked him what sense did that make. he looked surprised and said true. i have gained this stigma, not a bad stigma or good stigma, as the girl who goes THERE lol. a new girl asked me for my advice. he father had just died a couple days ago and the funeral was today. at our job we are able to miss two days then we are fired. she already missed one because of an issue with the bus not being on time. and she would have to miss friday and saturday to go to another state for the funeral. there was her, myself and two or three other girls there. she asked what she should do. the other girls told her that she should go to the funeral no matter what, its her father, u'll regret it if u dont, and all this other stuff. i was quiet while they stated why she should go. then she asked, what do u think tree. i said, "well.." and they other girls go, "here she goes" and they laugh. i smiled and continued on to tell her that if she needs this job to assist and support herself then she should not miss days and get fired. point blank. her father wouldnt want her to compromise her life to look at his death. we all experience death but we can let it take us or let it go. i told her her father inst going to give a shit if she comes or not and shit like that is no longer his concern anyway. she said she understood. but she went anyway.