cancer, bottle caps, limitation and the illusion of care

a few weeks ago i worked this event where we were trying to get kids interested in tennis. we had these courts set up and rackets that were smaller sized geared to the hands of children rather than a normal sized racket. we hit balls around with them and gave them pointers about tennis and stretching and just overall encouragement for the children in relation to tennis. this was a hot day so we had tons of water. the first thing i noticed showing up was that there were empty water bottles everywhere. i only worked back up the first day of the event meaning i show up and if i was needed i stay, if not i go. so the first day i went. upon showing up the second day to actually work i noticed the empty bottles. i assumed that we were giving these water bottles to the children and parents that came as well as the people working as to "why" there were so many empty water bottles everywhere. turns out the water bottles where just for BAs (brand ambassadors). it was as though no BA had put a water bottle in a trash can at all the whole first day. so after i was told that they were all ours, i went around and picked them all up while being looked at like i was crazy for doing so. we had a big set up in a parking lot and the BAs assumed it was ok to just throw the empty plastic water bottles on the ground for those that clean the lot to pick up when we had many trash cans surrounding the area of our set up. we wished to display the illusion of care for kids and their health in relation to getting out and getting involved in tennis (care with a self interested chaser) but could not care to put our trash in a trash can and show ALL AROUND, true, conditionless, limitless care for kids by taking care of the earth we bring them onto.
at the end of the day we were wrapping things up with paperwork and such and i look to the side and see this guy, a fellow BA, going through the trash cans and taking the bottle caps off of all of the empty water bottles. i went over and asked him why he was doing that. he said he had forgot that his wife told him to get all the bottle caps he could because there is a program that gives kids free chemotherapy for bottle caps that are brouught in. ~breathe~ now when he said this another BA near us hearing this was like "ohh thats so cool that they do that". ~breathe~..ok i honestly just wanted to scream and say "ARE WE FUCKING SERIOUS WITH THIS ILLUSION OF CARE BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!" i have to watch were anger tries to direct me. there are moments when i see injustice or people spouting bullshit or even myself about to or just subconsiously spout some bullshit and i just want to break down in tears lol. it really saddens me. not like im overwhelemed with guilt or anything. its just like, "really with this shit?!!?..damn.". but there is no action within reacting. so i had to breathe through that inital moment of sadness and anger at the situation and i said that it really suks that we have the ability to help people with cancer with chemotherapy but we make everything about profit instead of people. i said if we REALLY cared about people with cancer in a respect of life we would give them chemotherapy or whatever treatment they needed. period. the guy said, "yeah thats so true but every little bit helps." .. in actuality, every little bit does not help. its the manifestation of limitation. and this accepted limitation only breeds more limitation. thats why we accept that giving to a charity that helps a couple people is doing the "right" thing or practical thing. why we accept that doing a food drive that feeds a neighborhood of people actually does anything for reason starvation exist and stopping it. why we get excited at a program that says one child dying of cancer who brings in tons of water bottle caps should get more hours of chemo than another child dying of cancer who has no way of drinking clean water let along collecting water bottle caps. until we stop accepting limitaion as a way of life, all we do will be manifested from our self accept limitation.
i did some digging afterward and found out the 'caps for chemo' program was a hoax. there is so much misinformation out there and it says much about us that we would rather accept something as immediate truth when heard instead of investigating it. so now that guy spends his time collecting caps for no reason and feeling good about himself for what he considers helping. as a result of this accepted limitation within the definiton of helping and care, we accept and allow people with cancer to die everyday when we have the ability and resources to honestly help all of them. we accept and allow people to die everyday of starvation when we have the ability and resources to feed all of them. we accept and allow this by accepting and allowing a system that values profit over life. by accepting and allowing a system that makes a fixed game out of life. it is time we collectively/individually take steps to correct this point. and that begins with the implementation of a system that truley cares for life as a whole. the equal money system.
in an equal money system help, in regards to the needs of cancer patients, would be given conditionlessly to all that need it. period. it would no longer be about money or making people collect water bottle caps or jump through hoops to fucking live. life will no longer be the accepted survival game that it is now. there will be no losers or winners, worthys and unworthys. the value we currently give to life is disgusting. within an equal money system the respect of life as a whole is the bottom line from which all actions will stem from.

investigate the equal money system ~ www.equalmoney.org ~

work

so working at this place again has been a interesting experience. i havent worked here since 2008. when i worked there before i was smoking cigs all the time and i was addicted to caffiene. i mean, at that point i wasnt taking responsibility for myself and my body and my sleep and my wake and many other things. so rain sleet or snow every break or lunch i was outside smoking like a chimney. and every morning i got coffee and every lunch a dew. dew has the most caff in it i was told. so i used that and coffee to get me through working this 3rd shift job where i am up when i would "normally" be sleep. so now that i have been off cigs and the caff for months now the experience is quite different. its funny, i stopped these things within myself by myself but i was not able to truely realize myself within smoking cigs and drinking the caff all the time until i am stopped and see me as i was in other people. as they rush by me during our set in stone 15 min breaks or 30 min lunches, i see them as me and literally see how i disregarded all around me to get what i felt i NEEDED. and then how i bitched about how "unbareable" the conditions outside were (too cold/too hot) but id deal for a drag or three of a cig. that nicotine "fix" that i was willing to do much for. and then the caff/coffee. i mean, fuck. this is the greatest form of a legal acceptable "drug" if i ever seen one. i see many i work with drink at lease 3 cups in our 8 hour shift and 1 cup before the shift even starts. i get to literally see how i disregaded my responsibility for myself by accepting the idea that i cannot get through a 3rd shift without tons of coffee. if i did not get my coffee even if i was not tired id manifest the experience for myself. i allowed coffee to direct me instead of directing myself. and i see many doing that now that i am stepped back and seeing others as myself. there is an huge office building across from the square where all the buses pick up. a fifth third bank building. and in that building is a dunkin donuts. i went in to keep warm while i waited for my bus to go home. its about 8am so as im ending my day most are starting theirs. i watched many many people come from outside to get coffee or donuts and many many many people coming down from everywhere within the building money in hand looking like they NEEDED this coffee to get them through the day. if they day had enjoyment, it began with coffee. bopping up and down in line waiting. i remember being a "regular" at this place. now , the last time i walked into this building i was rushing in with three dollars in hand and the words "plain bagle with cream cheese and a large coffee" spilling out of my mouth. i use to run in here at the risk of missing my bus and not making it to work on time (either ur on time or ur not there at this job). i use to scrounge those three dollars on top of what i pay for bus fare and i did it feeling like it HAD to be done "or else". i had such great fear of falling asleep at work. if u fall asleep u are fired. that is it. a girl actually got fired today for sleeping. she slept yesterday and they gave her a second chance. she slept today and they made an announcement that we are not to sleep ever here. she fell asleep again and they told her to leave. now before when i worked here, there were no second chances. so i was in constant fear that i would fall asleep and lose my jjob so i created this "crazed coffee drinking, mountain dew devouring, quick smoking coocoo woman". now, i am able to see myself as i was, as we are. i try to be straight forward with people but not ...pushy i guess the word is. when someone sneezes at work everyone in singsongs "bless u". i ask aloud "why? why do we all say bless u?". no one wanted to touch that one. one guy who i had been having a common sense conversation goes " because that what we were taught to say by our parents when someone sneezes". i said now thats an honest answer and the only reason. "bless u" doesnt actually DO anything. or i heard two neighbors i was sitting next to having a converstation about random bullshit. then they started to talk about religion and i joined in. one was a christian and he was speaking about jesus and god and adam and eve and i was pointing out blatent inconsistencies in the stories and the idea of whos interpretation the bible is. showed that none of us follow the simple principle of -love thy neighbor as thy self- consistantly. and that is the most simple of points jesus tried to make while here. he agreed with my points. i starting talking about religions in general and how similar the points of seperation are. he mentioned something about terrorist and killing people and i told him that however christianity is the only religion in which u can be shitty ur entire life, rob, kill,cheat, rape, torture and then right before death accept jesus into ur heart and go to heaven. i asked him what sense did that make. he looked surprised and said true. i have gained this stigma, not a bad stigma or good stigma, as the girl who goes THERE lol. a new girl asked me for my advice. he father had just died a couple days ago and the funeral was today. at our job we are able to miss two days then we are fired. she already missed one because of an issue with the bus not being on time. and she would have to miss friday and saturday to go to another state for the funeral. there was her, myself and two or three other girls there. she asked what she should do. the other girls told her that she should go to the funeral no matter what, its her father, u'll regret it if u dont, and all this other stuff. i was quiet while they stated why she should go. then she asked, what do u think tree. i said, "well.." and they other girls go, "here she goes" and they laugh. i smiled and continued on to tell her that if she needs this job to assist and support herself then she should not miss days and get fired. point blank. her father wouldnt want her to compromise her life to look at his death. we all experience death but we can let it take us or let it go. i told her her father inst going to give a shit if she comes or not and shit like that is no longer his concern anyway. she said she understood. but she went anyway.