"it may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. we are like eggs at present. and you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. we must be hatched or go bad. " -c.s. lewis

Saturday, November 13, 2010

two red eyed mice

i have gotten beyond my fear of mice. its great how the universe just sets shit up sometimes. like when i asked the universe, myself, to assist myself in letting go of things. not too long after that request my friend and i couldnt pay for our storage and everything thing i owned but a box was sold at auction. then i decided that the fear of mice needed to stop. and that next time i bought mice for the snake then i would hold them before. but then i havent had the money to buy the mice. so i have inadvertedly created a back door for waiting to procrastinating facing this fear. so good ol uni decides to assist once again. my sis knew that i wanted to face this fear. i told her next time no matter what its being addressed. and she also knew i had no money for the mice. so while she was out she bought them. she came home like here they are. lets go with the facing lol so i opened the box and there was resistance. then i put my hand in to touch them and they were soooooooo soft :) i remembered why i use to enjoy the one i had as a pet when i was 12 prior to the creation of this fear of mice. i poured them out of the box and picked them up. so tiny and soft in my hands! i let them crawl on me because thats what was the cause of the resistance. how they would feel on me. i felt the pointy little nail grabbing onto my skin for support and out of fear themselves. after a minute both them and i were enjoying the experience. they were "calmer" and less prikly with the nails. it was cool :)

Thursday, November 11, 2010

cried today.

its been a while. i dont get emotional like i use to so much anymore. todya. i dont know. just feeling the weight of our collective bullshit. and rush towards more and more bullshit. today it kills me that we all dont use our eyes. today it kills me that we dont use reason. today it makes me so sad that we refuse to use our eyes. people are praising the vets for fighting for our freedoms and every single time i see a post i manifest sadness within me. so mind fucking myself today. what fucking freedoms do we have? what fucking freedoms are being fought for? why cant we see that "fighting for our freedoms" is taking away the lives of others without a care. the "superior" nature of different groups of people disgust me. this kinda feels like how i use to get before my period. unknowingly hoping on emotional rollercosters and going round ten times before i realize what im willingly riding on. i fall. i dontknow if my period is coming. i dont keep up with it anymore. quit birth control when i broke up with my ex so my cycle does what it wants now. i resisted the emotion building in me and resisted the tears forming in my eyes while trying to defend myself. which is why they came down. instead of resisting and fighting with the emotion i should have simply stopped. stopped participating with the shit. i forgot my breath and went into defense mode. tons of people around me are getting married. my exs niece is a boyfriend hopper. shes 18. she left one guy (they were not getting along) months ago and got with another. the guy she left proposed to her at the bar a day ago. she says yes and leaves the guy she left him for. WTF. three people in my immediate family are pregnant. countless others around me. it kills me we are so fucking wishy washy with life. we dont get the importance of raising the next generation of humans. we humans, currently, fucking suk. and unless we plan on doing everything completely different than we ever have before, we will produce the same type of shitty uncaring people and continue with the cycle of abuse of life. people have babies out of self interest or lack of care otherwise. my life suks, lets fuck! forget the condom! it "feels" better. and u know how much i value my feelings! fucking stupid. when i say these things i am told i am "baby hating". thats really what initiated the crying. i care about children so much, but because i dont have any or speak out against our bullshit towards children and our shitty idea of child raising, then im a "baby hater" a "life hater" for the matter of what i speak about our bullshit towards life. that anyone could call me a "baby hater" when i care about all beings so much just took me away from myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myslef to participate in emotion.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by emotion.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that if emotion is directing, tree is not directing.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in hope.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope for people to change.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that I am the change.
if orgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others.
i forgive myself for not accepting andallowing myself to see that in judging others i judge myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "feel" out of control.
if orgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "feel" that i "must" cry.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept crying as a solution to anything.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I am the solution.
i stop.

...okay reading this, its all over the place. resistance to post it..i stop. and i post.