ideas, objects and LIFE

i had an interesting experience of realization and perspective in relation to our disregard of life in favor of displaying regard for objects or ideas as superior.

**and i want to say that we cannot be afraid to "call a spade a spade." meaning to see what is and say what is without fear of acknowledgment or accountability. we are so afraid to see what we have done. what we do. such shame involved that we cannot even speak about what we are clearly doing here. shame gets us nowhere but within a pit of self pity. "self pity, people, should never be supported. ever." - bp **

i was hanging out with a friend of mine. i was on my computer doing something really quick so he was reading articles on his phone. he turns to me and says...

"can u believe there is this housing community and they wont let this guy fly the american flag?!!"

there was so much disgust and sadness and disbelief in his eyes and tone. for the flag. the idea of the flag. the genuine care that he believed he was displaying for the value of a piece of cloth, scared me a bit. it scared me because this is the type of care that is not displayed towards life. at all. the pain in his mind that he was creating due to the idea he holds about the american flag and that idea being destroyed by people not wanting to support the idea he holds seemed so useless as it dripped off his words of sadness for the idea of the flag. we put such energy towards the uplifting of so many ideas and objects...this idea, object -the respect of the bible, the flag, the koran, the "holy land", the church, the priest, the idea of god- but not towards the betterment of life in general. not towards the respect of life in general. we will initiate a discussion about supporting ideas about pieces of fabric but when switching our support from ideas to life is considered discussing its seen as too much to tackle...

this also lead to an interesting experience of realization and perspective in relation to my learning to move myself in all moments with clarity. move myself in all ways, always. because in the moment that he asked me this question i was already thinking "what the fuck?" "is he seriously showing favor to the idea of value in a flag with the gusto that is required to realize the only thing of value here as LIFE?!" "fuck! that statement really shows the mental attachment we have to our corners of the earth." "how the hell can we be so insulted that people wont let a man fly a piece of cloth but we DONT GIVE A SHIT that all people are not allowed to eat here?"...all this self back chat just lead to me shaking my head in disgust and disbelief of the disregard. not seeing that in this i took the disregard i was spotting in another and made it my own within disregarding the opportunity to move myself to speak and express myself in the physical..within disregarding the assistance that is needed within this other being to see what is being missed (not to say that i would have been able to assist him in seeing anything, but the need for assistance was disregarded for whatever reason)...within the disregard of this being as equal to myself as i had/have accepted and allowed myself to be whether in the past or currently where i desired to show regard to my ideas over what is here as life. instead i rested in the mind. which is not real. which is why my friend has no clue of the reality of me in the moment of him asking me what he asked me. he only knows he got a scoff, a head shake, a look of annoyance and was disregarded by a person...

self forgiveness to come on this...

for the fun of it

we really need to wake the fuck up.

many of the things we do "for fun" or "for the fun of it" are CLEARLY abusive, negligent, disrespectful and just plain ignorant. these things really show the underlined "nature" that we have accepted as ourselves and continue to manifest as the world. full of superiority, anger, mistreatment, abuse and hate masking as love. there are many ways in which we trick ourselves into seeing mistreatment as entertainment or fun. to name a few:

the circus - a place where we enjoy ourselves and have "fun" watching animals do tricks that finger our pleasure sensors ALL THE WHILE disregarding the abusive ways (beating, prod sticks, electric bull hooks) in which we con a bear or a tiger or a lion to do these un-natural acts for our amusement.

boxing/fighting - a situation in which we place two people inside of a box and watch them abuse one another's bodies and then judge them based on who abused the other greater and with more efficiency. and then call that person a 'winner'. ALL THE WHILE disregarding the collectively accepted disrespect that is shown towards the physical form and life in general (< that we would be entertained by the possibility of death and pain being inflicted on another) and the glorification of violence that is displayed (< then we are surprised that within are young we produce bullies and supporters of separation and war).

eating - an experience where all is apparently "fair". where we will do anything for a taste that we have decided is worth inflicting needless pain on beings smaller than ourselves. foie gras, lobster and veal are some of the most brutal. this is fueled by a system of profit that has no real barriers in itself.

fake up/make up - most people wouldnt stab a kitten in the eye with a mascara brush themselves but our use of products that were made "safe" to use by others stabbing kittens in their eyes with mascara brushes does show our acceptance and allowance and contribution towards the action. just like our support of a system the encourages profit at any cost as it instills competition and separation within the young ones so by the time they are the old ones, the circus, boxing and 'mistreat to eat' food will be "the norm".

much abuse is currently carried out in the name of fun.

and its interesting that when these points of un-noticed abuse within our "fun" are brought to the surface and talked about, the talker is usually seen to be a "kill joy" or "debbie downer" or "too serious" and the talkie usually makes themselves feel attacked. because the idea of fun the talkie has accepted and allowed as real, as themselves, IS NOT really fun. and its clear when the whole is considered within common sense.

i came across this video today of a man and woman couple with their child at a laundry mat. this couple thought it would be fun to put their small child inside of a washing machine. some would initially agree that this would be a "funny little thing" to do. within accepting the part (the generation of energy that we call "having fun") instead of considering the whole (the possibility that a being will be killed due to the action is being taken) we open ourselves up for things like rape, allowing others to starve or be homeless, murder, sex trafficking, child prostitution and all the other "ugly" things we dont like to consider the "nature" of ourselves having a direct hand in. because if we accept the idea that if we think its "fun" we should do it, then we must consider ALL of what people in general currently think is "fun". and that includes some fucked up shit if one is willing to be self honest about the current starting point behind ALL OF our "fun"...

consequences, emotion, realisations, self support, walking

its been a trying couple of days for myself. dealing with tons of shit and having to realise that being emotional and reacting within emotion actually does nothing. and this is a true statement though many may mention the "realease" that one feels after a good cry or after a fight feeling as though something we dealt with however that is not the practical way to deal with anything and what needs to be dealt with, within dealing this way, is actual disregarded in favor of doing something that makes self feel better. its actually unnecessary if one is walking constantly. being emotional when faced with hard times is kinda like a cop-out/ a 'woe is tree'/a give up. its like saying "i give up because i dont feel i can walk through this situation so instead i will sit here and be emotional about it". its kinda selfish really, getting emotional. and goes back to the beginning point i had to face through these trying couple of days. abdication of responsibility... hellboy died. when he first came into the house he was not "my fish". i didnt see him as "my fish". and in that 'hes not mine' mind i did not take full responsibility for him. though i could see that responsibility was needed with him, because i had not made him "mine" in my head (mind fuckery) yet. i did not walk within responsibility for this being because this being was not "mine". this is a big point within our world i realised. there are many things we need to take collective responsibility for in which we do not because we see these things as not "my problem". so all these things that we see as not "my problem" (the starvation of someone else or someone elses children, the rape of someone else or someone elses children, the abuse of someone else or someone elses children, war, etc..) have consequences if they are not dealt with practically. hence, the world. we dont feel we should or even that we can take responsibility for them. because we have not mentally attached the problem to ourselves. which is a mind fuck because wether we mentally attach the problem to ourselves or not, we are still the constant. our collective abdication of responsibility in the world is a direct reflection of the abdication of responsibility within each one of us. so because of my abdication of responsibility for hellboy, i did not deal with the cleaning of his little tank at first. i would feed him, but not take full responsibility for him as a whole. by the time i actually mentally decided to make him "mine" the consequences of by abdication of responsibility were already on their way within the physical (which moves and continues its support without goodness, badness, or judgement--so supportive, the physical. blog to come on how supportive the physical just being the physical is). all those weeks of not taking responsibility for his tank water and researching how to properly take care of a beta fish were still here even though i had recently considered my responsibility through the mental connection of "mine". there is no escaping responsibility. so in the morning i went to feed hellboy and he had this gray film all over his body and he was moving sluggish. his water was clear and clean but he looked terrible. i took him out of the water and called the pet store. i told them what was going on and they asked if his tank was clean. to which i said yes. they informed me that if you put food in a beta tank and the fish does not eat the food within 5 minutes we should take the food out of the tank because the food grows bacteria and its deposited within the water and the fish is constantly in the water so the bacteria is deposited within the fish. this physically manifest fungus on the fish. she said they sell drops that u can add to the water to help the fish. i called my sister and told her hellboy wasnt doing very good and needed this drops to help him. she said she would take me to get them when she got off work as i was watching my niece at home. throughout the day he got worst and worst til he took his last breath. by the time the fungus manifested physically it was too late. the consequences for my abdication of responsibility for this life was already here......

right after hellboy died (before i had a look at myself within it) my little sister called and told me that she joined the army. i did not take this well. knowing that my sister does not like war or superiority or authority or being made to feel inferior i knew that this was about money. and i called her out on that. she says money is not the main reason and spouted out some shit that was spouted out to her from a recruiter about security and setting up life for her and her future children. i told her was is fucking ignorant and that she has many other options but shes taking this "easy" route because of the money they are promising her and shes not considering that she could be sent to fight and die. she says she could die right now. yes, but that does not mean u should go play in traffic. looking at this in relation to myself i see that i recall when i was approached with the "opportunity" to join the army. my roomate and i at the time wasnt making much money at our amazon.com factor job so we were about to join the army. the recruiter made promises and said what he could do for me and my life. i had just found desteni and jack and was at a pretty crazy place in my process but ultimately i could not do something like that for money... my sister wanted to end the conversation with the manipulative 'i love u?' to which i did not want to sugar coat reality with that emotional goodbye. after ten minutes of overwhelming tears i had to look at myself within this all. i was actually disappointed with my sister. disappointed that she was taking what is seen as an "easy way" in life, instead of facing her laziness and fear of survival. i realised i was judging her (in relation to what i did and apparent made the idea in my head that its the same thing she should have done) instead of supporting her. and supporting her did not necessarily mean saying "great! u joined the army, ur going to get money. thats awesome ur doing something with ur life". i was just telling her how bullshit the decision was and how i was not going to support it. not realising i can support the sister without supporting the decision. and this is something i have to realise in relation to my facebook which i have been accepting and allowing to get to me. half my facebook is destonians or the awakening which is fucking awesome. the links they post, comments, likes-- its all supportive. and then half my facebook is fuckery which fucking suks. the links, comments and likes these people post are straight fucking bullshit. and i have to see myself within this as well. i was a fuckery supporter for many many many many years. so even if these fuckers are showing me what i myself supported for so long they are showing me something in relation to myself and the oneness that is all of us. and i can support the fuckers without supporting the fuckery.

then i come home from orientation at my new job, third job (ba, nanny, *factory work), to find out my brother and sister(brothers gf) broke up. the brother and sister that just had a baby together four months ago. he told me he cheated on her. i told him he was on some complete fucking bullshit. he says he knows and he didnt mean for it to happen or to hurt her. our world is paved with "good intentions"... anyway i asked him if he was going to fight for her. he said he doesnt deserve to have her and he doesnt expect her to forgive him. i mentioned that my ex was not willing to deal with our bullshit with me either. and as he could see we are not partners anymore. i left to go and get my car title and tags and when i got back he had already moved out. ugh, now this was something i definitely had to bring back to myself. i have only had one boyfriend in my 28 years. my ex. and i did not cheat on him. but if uve read my blog u know that i have been apart of others cheating before. which,in actuality, means that i have assisted and supported and accepted and allowed cheating. which is, ive realised, unacceptable in any form. its grown from lies, deception, abdication of responsibility and disrespect of another person. all of which are at the forefront of much fuckery and bullshit in our world as a whole. within participating with cheating, whether its my cheating or anothers cheating, we accept and allow cheating to exist in the world. and i am aware that within a competition capitalistic based society someone will always want to cheat, compete and capitalize on another. more the reason why the implementation of another system that does not support this shit should be investigated. because our current system REQUIRES bullshit. u cannot NOT participate within the bullshit because its sprinkled all through our current system. an equal money system would support us to realise ourselves as equal to life. and realise the only thing that has value here is life. so we can weed out all this bullshit that is not supportive to us/the world at all.

and i continue to walk..

opinions

i was talking to my brother and sister the other day about this post a friend of mine made on facebook. she posted a status saying to forgive her if she wasnt overly sensitive to the plight of those who just went through hurricane irene because when we went through hurricane andrew back in 1992 we were out of power for 3 months. i was saying how it was really crazy that we can go through something like we did in hurricane andrew all to create accept and allow superiority within ourselves because we lived through it. like we did anything really to deserve to live through it anymore than those who died did anything to deserve to die in it. many survivers of something feel that they are either in debted to something or owed something for surviving. its crazy how we attached these feelings to certain situations and how those feelings lead us to react in a certain matter when faced with similar emotion invoking situations. i was basically saying how the statement in the status is a disregard of life as a whole and disregarding of the care that one should have for another as one would like another to have for them. its a big 'fuck u' to those dealing with hurricane irene and a 'dont even try it' to anyone in any future hurricanes that dont meet the death toll and power outtage time of hurricane andrew for which my friends care, in situations of a hurricane, is dependent on the andrew comparison. my brother jumps in saying, "thats the thing. that is HER opinion. u cant tell someone what to think or feel. people are entitled to their own opinion." i had to take a moment to consider this statement.. i said to him, well lets look at opinions as a whole. not just her opinion to not care for beings that have not been through what she had been through, but all opinions. some peoples opinion is that it is ok/cool/acceptable to molest children. some peoples opinion is that it is ok/cool/acceptable to murder someone they dont like. some peoples opinion is that it is ok/cool/acceptable to treat another like worthless garbage. some peoples opinion is that its ok/cool/acceptable to beat baby seals to death with a bat. some peoples opinion is that its ok/cool/acceptable to rape and beat on a woman. in actuality, everyone is NOT entitled to their own fucking opinion. cause all of our "own opinions" are fucking abusive. we accept and allow the "everyones entitled to their own opinon" bullshit without even considering what an opinion is and the possibilities and actualities that are 'peoples opinions'. opinions create seperation between self and others as well as provide fuel to the ego. for one can always find self at the top of all statements that contain the words 'in my opinion'. fuck "my opinon" about something. what are the facts about said thing. what is verifyable without anyones self interest as a basis. opinions are not needed within equality. because all are doing what is best for all. in everything, all are considering what is best for all. that requires no ones opinion.