the write reasons..

i got things ready all yesterday. packed for a little over a week for the trip im currently taking to california with my sister and niece. got things around the house ready to come back to. sat down to write my blog for the day and it really felt forced. i have seen this "forced" "rushed" point before within my writing of myself. looking at the timekeeper ive noticed it seems i wait until the end of the days time to write my blog. so i see, that is something i physically do to produce this experience of "rushed" that i get sometimes when i write. the waiting or impractical allocation of my time. looking at myself i see that i am getting to know self movement. real, self honest self movement. its not something i (or we in general..) am use to looking at honestly. and how to do it "best" is something that i am walking and testing and figuring out as i discern the manipulation and lies within how i am use to moving myself.

i first started to write about hair. my hair/black hair/hair in general. which i found i had more to say and dig into then time i alloted myself to write my blog for the day. though i already see the point of impractical time allocation.. so the writing began to reflect my ideas of "tons to write but i dont have time". and by that point,i didnt have time. i had time. earlier. which i used to do things other than write my blog. and ended up trying to squeeze in some self expression when its simply supposed to be flowing out as self expression.

then, when i saw that writing about hair would require more time then i had before i had to go to work and the day would be done, i tried to change it up. the initial point to address was hair. but i tried to change that to talking about the stuff we rub on our lemons and fruit to make them more visually appealing. the fruit rub was something that i was interested in seeing the purpose of within our world but it was not what i wanted to moving myself to write about. this "settling" i tried to do within my self expression felt like shit trying to come out through my writing lol. it sounded, well dumb. not real. fake. forced.

so, shitty starting point (rushing, force, focus on some idea of what it means to write or what writing should entail instead of the movement of myself within writing, moving myself for others instead of for the betterment of self as ALL as life.. ) = shitty results (the self creation of feelings of inability and confusion and stagnation within my movement..)

questions to consider before moving myself to write-- why are u writing?... any expectations/hopes of something to produce through ur writing?... any fears within ur self movement?... are u writing to move urself to realization through digging or are u writing to be read?...

POINTS TO ADDRESS

fear of writing a "shitty" blog..

desire to please whomever may be reading my blog..

fear of "naked writing"..

fear of "looking stupid" with my words..

purpose..

^self forgiveness to come..

ideas, objects and LIFE

i had an interesting experience of realization and perspective in relation to our disregard of life in favor of displaying regard for objects or ideas as superior.

**and i want to say that we cannot be afraid to "call a spade a spade." meaning to see what is and say what is without fear of acknowledgment or accountability. we are so afraid to see what we have done. what we do. such shame involved that we cannot even speak about what we are clearly doing here. shame gets us nowhere but within a pit of self pity. "self pity, people, should never be supported. ever." - bp **

i was hanging out with a friend of mine. i was on my computer doing something really quick so he was reading articles on his phone. he turns to me and says...

"can u believe there is this housing community and they wont let this guy fly the american flag?!!"

there was so much disgust and sadness and disbelief in his eyes and tone. for the flag. the idea of the flag. the genuine care that he believed he was displaying for the value of a piece of cloth, scared me a bit. it scared me because this is the type of care that is not displayed towards life. at all. the pain in his mind that he was creating due to the idea he holds about the american flag and that idea being destroyed by people not wanting to support the idea he holds seemed so useless as it dripped off his words of sadness for the idea of the flag. we put such energy towards the uplifting of so many ideas and objects...this idea, object -the respect of the bible, the flag, the koran, the "holy land", the church, the priest, the idea of god- but not towards the betterment of life in general. not towards the respect of life in general. we will initiate a discussion about supporting ideas about pieces of fabric but when switching our support from ideas to life is considered discussing its seen as too much to tackle...

this also lead to an interesting experience of realization and perspective in relation to my learning to move myself in all moments with clarity. move myself in all ways, always. because in the moment that he asked me this question i was already thinking "what the fuck?" "is he seriously showing favor to the idea of value in a flag with the gusto that is required to realize the only thing of value here as LIFE?!" "fuck! that statement really shows the mental attachment we have to our corners of the earth." "how the hell can we be so insulted that people wont let a man fly a piece of cloth but we DONT GIVE A SHIT that all people are not allowed to eat here?"...all this self back chat just lead to me shaking my head in disgust and disbelief of the disregard. not seeing that in this i took the disregard i was spotting in another and made it my own within disregarding the opportunity to move myself to speak and express myself in the physical..within disregarding the assistance that is needed within this other being to see what is being missed (not to say that i would have been able to assist him in seeing anything, but the need for assistance was disregarded for whatever reason)...within the disregard of this being as equal to myself as i had/have accepted and allowed myself to be whether in the past or currently where i desired to show regard to my ideas over what is here as life. instead i rested in the mind. which is not real. which is why my friend has no clue of the reality of me in the moment of him asking me what he asked me. he only knows he got a scoff, a head shake, a look of annoyance and was disregarded by a person...

self forgiveness to come on this...

for the fun of it

we really need to wake the fuck up.

many of the things we do "for fun" or "for the fun of it" are CLEARLY abusive, negligent, disrespectful and just plain ignorant. these things really show the underlined "nature" that we have accepted as ourselves and continue to manifest as the world. full of superiority, anger, mistreatment, abuse and hate masking as love. there are many ways in which we trick ourselves into seeing mistreatment as entertainment or fun. to name a few:

the circus - a place where we enjoy ourselves and have "fun" watching animals do tricks that finger our pleasure sensors ALL THE WHILE disregarding the abusive ways (beating, prod sticks, electric bull hooks) in which we con a bear or a tiger or a lion to do these un-natural acts for our amusement.

boxing/fighting - a situation in which we place two people inside of a box and watch them abuse one another's bodies and then judge them based on who abused the other greater and with more efficiency. and then call that person a 'winner'. ALL THE WHILE disregarding the collectively accepted disrespect that is shown towards the physical form and life in general (< that we would be entertained by the possibility of death and pain being inflicted on another) and the glorification of violence that is displayed (< then we are surprised that within are young we produce bullies and supporters of separation and war).

eating - an experience where all is apparently "fair". where we will do anything for a taste that we have decided is worth inflicting needless pain on beings smaller than ourselves. foie gras, lobster and veal are some of the most brutal. this is fueled by a system of profit that has no real barriers in itself.

fake up/make up - most people wouldnt stab a kitten in the eye with a mascara brush themselves but our use of products that were made "safe" to use by others stabbing kittens in their eyes with mascara brushes does show our acceptance and allowance and contribution towards the action. just like our support of a system the encourages profit at any cost as it instills competition and separation within the young ones so by the time they are the old ones, the circus, boxing and 'mistreat to eat' food will be "the norm".

much abuse is currently carried out in the name of fun.

and its interesting that when these points of un-noticed abuse within our "fun" are brought to the surface and talked about, the talker is usually seen to be a "kill joy" or "debbie downer" or "too serious" and the talkie usually makes themselves feel attacked. because the idea of fun the talkie has accepted and allowed as real, as themselves, IS NOT really fun. and its clear when the whole is considered within common sense.

i came across this video today of a man and woman couple with their child at a laundry mat. this couple thought it would be fun to put their small child inside of a washing machine. some would initially agree that this would be a "funny little thing" to do. within accepting the part (the generation of energy that we call "having fun") instead of considering the whole (the possibility that a being will be killed due to the action is being taken) we open ourselves up for things like rape, allowing others to starve or be homeless, murder, sex trafficking, child prostitution and all the other "ugly" things we dont like to consider the "nature" of ourselves having a direct hand in. because if we accept the idea that if we think its "fun" we should do it, then we must consider ALL of what people in general currently think is "fun". and that includes some fucked up shit if one is willing to be self honest about the current starting point behind ALL OF our "fun"...

roscoe, pets and george

walking downstairs this morning i noticed a ladybug at the top of the stairs. it wasnt moving so i went to pick it up on this piece of plastic and check it out. he started moving so i knew he was alive and i went to take him out the front door. on the way to the front door i noticed he was having trouble moving. i got outside the door and i went to put it in the bush but, well i just didnt lol. i brought him back in and told my sister i thought its legs were fucked up cause it was having trouble walking. i walked upstairs with it then walked downstairs and out the door again then back inside. i told my sister i was going to do some research on ladybugs before i put it outside. so i came in and placed it on my aloe plant and went online. i found out that there are over 5000 different species of ladybug and 400 here in north america. they are omnivores which mean they can eat asphids (other bugs found on plants) or damp rasins :). i read, to give it water one should we a paper towel to damp but not dripping so the ladybug can drink from it. so i immediately went to do that. i placed the small starter piece of paper towel near him on my aloe plant. he was already touching it when i came back to check on him. i moved it a little bit away to see if he was actually drinking from it and he promptly moved back to where he was touching it. so i realised he WAS drinking from it. they live 1-3 years depending on the conditions. the male and female ladybugs both have spots and u cant really tell the sex visually unless u compare tons of ladybugs because females are usually larger. my sister heard somewhere that all females are spotless so instead of resting in what was heard we looked it up. this was a 16 spotted beetle. ladybugs are sometimes kept during the winter and released in the spring time. its best to release a ladybug u find inside during months when the weather is warm so it has time to find a place to hibernate for the winter. yes! ladybugs hibernate like bears. and since its cold out right now and could snow any day i realised this ladybug probably wont find a place to get snug so i decided to have it as a guest and named him roscoe :). just a name that came to me. i checked to make sure i wasnt connecting him to any other past memories or anything and saw clarity. so, roscoe is here for as long as he is here. the plan is to keep him until the spring and then let him go. i am not sure if hes a boy or girl but ladybugs wont lay eggs if they are hibernating inside a home. even if they did, he is still welcome here.


























i needed to go to the pet store to pick up some things. i have three pets right now ( or they have me :)..four in u include roscoe. ganja is my snake. shes a ball python. i have had ganja for about 5 or 6 years now. she belonged to a friend of mine who bought her when she was really small. i would go see her at his place or hed bring her when he came to visit but the land lady at his place did not want them to have a snake. so he asked if i wanted her. i did! i was really into snakes for some reason and i really liked/thought it was kinda cool that i was totally afraid of birds (at that time) but loved snakes. fucking silliness... so i got ganja. at the pet store i got ganja mice. two large. there were some mice mommas in there nursing their tiny little hairless mice babies. i asked the guy who was helping me,nick, when do they take the mice away from the mother to be sold as feeders. he said they actually sell them now. i said, really? i was kinda sad about it. ya know, babies being ripped away from the parents so young. i mean, fuck these little mice babies couldnt even walk. nick says, well what are u feeding? i said a ball python snake. he says well consider that small snakes, baby snakes, have to eat too. i was like, damn, ur right about that. its all about context. it is NOT the same as us ripping baby elephants from their parents to abuse them and make them do stupid ass tricks for our amusement. and one must be careful to not create ideas in which to refer to later. careful that realisations do not become twisted ideas and future assumptions. that is not living. that is not here. that is the mind creating and directing. i realised that i had saw the video on elephants and ringling brothers and actually created this idea about babies and parents and forgot about practicality and oneness within it all as the bottom line. so that was cool to realise.


























chaka is my dog. my buddy. my pal :). shes so cool. i got her when i was breaking up with my ex. he never wanted me to have a dog and i knew things were fucked and fucking us both and i was about to leave anyway (which i did) so i got chaka :). i found her online on a site similar to craigslist. a woman two hours away had chaka and her brother. i drove to get her, got into a hit and run car accident, car broken down on the way back ( my boyfriend at the times car). but chaka and i were fine. and we were together. at the pet store i got a chew toy for chaka. a small toy that looks like a tire that you can place peanut butter into. she digs it.


hellboy is my beta fish. my sister was in town for a couple months and brought him over from my aunts place. my aunt got it for my cousins but they had no interest in it. it had all the componets with it: a small plastic "fish tank", a net, food, plants (fake ones).. all of which he did not seem to enjoy at all. he was trying to swim around but putting one fake plant in there took up so much room. i asked my sister if she didnt mind me taking him when i moved out. my brother named him 'cherry g' when he first came but i saw him as and named him hellboy for his bright colors. my sister said she didnt mind if i took him so i am. she was looking at the fish tanks when i was getting mice and called me over mentioning it may be cool to get hellboy a live plant for his tank and also said that i could use one of the old vases in the kitchen to give him more room. so i chose the red melon plant. the color of the center leave resembled hellboys color.

























we walked down the isle looking at all the fish. i would sometimes say "hello fish" and tap on the glass. we were talking a couple of days ago about the echo through the water of a fish tank if u tap on it but we didnt have a clear answer. one of the guys was filling a tank and i asked him if the fish hear a loud echo when we tap on the glass. he said yes they do and its actually very loud and uncomfortable for the fish. that the sound travels in the water and fucks with the fish. in not a cool way at all. i asked him, why do we not talk about this? he said, well u didnt ask me. -- and i want to mention that for a split second (really a split second) i got a little pissy. i thought " damn that was a pissy ass response." but i quickly got the fuck out of my head and back there in the isle with him and realised his answer wasnt pissy at all. it was actual. i asked him why we didnt talk about this and many people assume we means u and me only. so thats the response he gave. we (he and i) didnt talk about it before because i did not ask him. so when i realised that i knew that if i put a bit of emphasis on the WE he would broaden the part to the whole. -- i said, no, why dont WE talk about this. he said, u know what i am not sure. and he said how he thinks that is the problem with society. we dont talk or want to talk about many things. i agreed of course. we talked about people limiting themselves and not being able to see themselves in another. he said he has kids and they are the reason he wants to be more open and honest because.. and he was having trouble getting it out. so i said, this is not the world u want reflected in ur childrens eyes. he says exactly. we talked for a while in the isle, he my sister and i. and its funny to watch the physical. its so fucking supportive for self awareness and being HERE. because when i first started talking to him he wasnt mean at all but his body was really stiff. and it showed. as we talked his muscles loosened up and he was just there with us. his name is george. he is the manager at the pet store. cool guy. shook my hand and asked if we'd come in to chat again. which i totally will.