consequences, emotion, realisations, self support, walking

its been a trying couple of days for myself. dealing with tons of shit and having to realise that being emotional and reacting within emotion actually does nothing. and this is a true statement though many may mention the "realease" that one feels after a good cry or after a fight feeling as though something we dealt with however that is not the practical way to deal with anything and what needs to be dealt with, within dealing this way, is actual disregarded in favor of doing something that makes self feel better. its actually unnecessary if one is walking constantly. being emotional when faced with hard times is kinda like a cop-out/ a 'woe is tree'/a give up. its like saying "i give up because i dont feel i can walk through this situation so instead i will sit here and be emotional about it". its kinda selfish really, getting emotional. and goes back to the beginning point i had to face through these trying couple of days. abdication of responsibility... hellboy died. when he first came into the house he was not "my fish". i didnt see him as "my fish". and in that 'hes not mine' mind i did not take full responsibility for him. though i could see that responsibility was needed with him, because i had not made him "mine" in my head (mind fuckery) yet. i did not walk within responsibility for this being because this being was not "mine". this is a big point within our world i realised. there are many things we need to take collective responsibility for in which we do not because we see these things as not "my problem". so all these things that we see as not "my problem" (the starvation of someone else or someone elses children, the rape of someone else or someone elses children, the abuse of someone else or someone elses children, war, etc..) have consequences if they are not dealt with practically. hence, the world. we dont feel we should or even that we can take responsibility for them. because we have not mentally attached the problem to ourselves. which is a mind fuck because wether we mentally attach the problem to ourselves or not, we are still the constant. our collective abdication of responsibility in the world is a direct reflection of the abdication of responsibility within each one of us. so because of my abdication of responsibility for hellboy, i did not deal with the cleaning of his little tank at first. i would feed him, but not take full responsibility for him as a whole. by the time i actually mentally decided to make him "mine" the consequences of by abdication of responsibility were already on their way within the physical (which moves and continues its support without goodness, badness, or judgement--so supportive, the physical. blog to come on how supportive the physical just being the physical is). all those weeks of not taking responsibility for his tank water and researching how to properly take care of a beta fish were still here even though i had recently considered my responsibility through the mental connection of "mine". there is no escaping responsibility. so in the morning i went to feed hellboy and he had this gray film all over his body and he was moving sluggish. his water was clear and clean but he looked terrible. i took him out of the water and called the pet store. i told them what was going on and they asked if his tank was clean. to which i said yes. they informed me that if you put food in a beta tank and the fish does not eat the food within 5 minutes we should take the food out of the tank because the food grows bacteria and its deposited within the water and the fish is constantly in the water so the bacteria is deposited within the fish. this physically manifest fungus on the fish. she said they sell drops that u can add to the water to help the fish. i called my sister and told her hellboy wasnt doing very good and needed this drops to help him. she said she would take me to get them when she got off work as i was watching my niece at home. throughout the day he got worst and worst til he took his last breath. by the time the fungus manifested physically it was too late. the consequences for my abdication of responsibility for this life was already here......

right after hellboy died (before i had a look at myself within it) my little sister called and told me that she joined the army. i did not take this well. knowing that my sister does not like war or superiority or authority or being made to feel inferior i knew that this was about money. and i called her out on that. she says money is not the main reason and spouted out some shit that was spouted out to her from a recruiter about security and setting up life for her and her future children. i told her was is fucking ignorant and that she has many other options but shes taking this "easy" route because of the money they are promising her and shes not considering that she could be sent to fight and die. she says she could die right now. yes, but that does not mean u should go play in traffic. looking at this in relation to myself i see that i recall when i was approached with the "opportunity" to join the army. my roomate and i at the time wasnt making much money at our amazon.com factor job so we were about to join the army. the recruiter made promises and said what he could do for me and my life. i had just found desteni and jack and was at a pretty crazy place in my process but ultimately i could not do something like that for money... my sister wanted to end the conversation with the manipulative 'i love u?' to which i did not want to sugar coat reality with that emotional goodbye. after ten minutes of overwhelming tears i had to look at myself within this all. i was actually disappointed with my sister. disappointed that she was taking what is seen as an "easy way" in life, instead of facing her laziness and fear of survival. i realised i was judging her (in relation to what i did and apparent made the idea in my head that its the same thing she should have done) instead of supporting her. and supporting her did not necessarily mean saying "great! u joined the army, ur going to get money. thats awesome ur doing something with ur life". i was just telling her how bullshit the decision was and how i was not going to support it. not realising i can support the sister without supporting the decision. and this is something i have to realise in relation to my facebook which i have been accepting and allowing to get to me. half my facebook is destonians or the awakening which is fucking awesome. the links they post, comments, likes-- its all supportive. and then half my facebook is fuckery which fucking suks. the links, comments and likes these people post are straight fucking bullshit. and i have to see myself within this as well. i was a fuckery supporter for many many many many years. so even if these fuckers are showing me what i myself supported for so long they are showing me something in relation to myself and the oneness that is all of us. and i can support the fuckers without supporting the fuckery.

then i come home from orientation at my new job, third job (ba, nanny, *factory work), to find out my brother and sister(brothers gf) broke up. the brother and sister that just had a baby together four months ago. he told me he cheated on her. i told him he was on some complete fucking bullshit. he says he knows and he didnt mean for it to happen or to hurt her. our world is paved with "good intentions"... anyway i asked him if he was going to fight for her. he said he doesnt deserve to have her and he doesnt expect her to forgive him. i mentioned that my ex was not willing to deal with our bullshit with me either. and as he could see we are not partners anymore. i left to go and get my car title and tags and when i got back he had already moved out. ugh, now this was something i definitely had to bring back to myself. i have only had one boyfriend in my 28 years. my ex. and i did not cheat on him. but if uve read my blog u know that i have been apart of others cheating before. which,in actuality, means that i have assisted and supported and accepted and allowed cheating. which is, ive realised, unacceptable in any form. its grown from lies, deception, abdication of responsibility and disrespect of another person. all of which are at the forefront of much fuckery and bullshit in our world as a whole. within participating with cheating, whether its my cheating or anothers cheating, we accept and allow cheating to exist in the world. and i am aware that within a competition capitalistic based society someone will always want to cheat, compete and capitalize on another. more the reason why the implementation of another system that does not support this shit should be investigated. because our current system REQUIRES bullshit. u cannot NOT participate within the bullshit because its sprinkled all through our current system. an equal money system would support us to realise ourselves as equal to life. and realise the only thing that has value here is life. so we can weed out all this bullshit that is not supportive to us/the world at all.

and i continue to walk..