"it may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. we are like eggs at present. and you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. we must be hatched or go bad. " -c.s. lewis

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

halloween - hollow we

so im not into halloween anymore lol. and i really have to laugh out loud at this process ive gone through with halloween. growing up we did not celebrate halloween. it was looked at as a pagan holiday and my family, as rastafarians, seperated ourselves from those we considered pagan or wicked. so, no halloween growing up. i was interested in it. i would not have minded some candy like the other kids but it wasnt something that was pressing to me or something i felt very left out with. i did look at the..well i guess the word is ridiculousness. i did look at what i saw as ridiculousness of the holiday at a young age. the dressing up as things and going to random houses to ask for candy, the picking of pumpkins and carving them into faces. i always thought people HAD to do something else with them besides the carving. ( we, as a society, waste so much food then we cry about how we all "care" about starvation ). i thought it was all pretty wierd, but i did want to be apart of it. the first time i dressed up i was with my grandmother. my fathers mother. she is a baptist and did not agree with many of the decisions my parents made regarding us and saw them as complete silliness.. our dreadlocked hair, our not getting of immunizations or vaccines, our rastafarian ways, etc.. so to me she felt like she was introducing me to some side i was missing out on by letting me dress up as a witch and trick or treat at the mall. it wasnt very much fun in actuality. so i didnt really deal with halloween for a while. then i grew up and halloween became about something else entirely...
it was no longer about dressing up in a costume and going out to get candy. no, in college halloween became about dressing up as cute/sexy/slutty a girl could be in her costume and going out to get drunk as fuck. ive been my share of slutty [insert noun here]. slutty referee, slutty brick house, slutty queen of hearts, slutty cow girl, slutty hippie. this is the portrayal of halloween for young girls now. every costume a celebrity wears or is shown in the media is a slutty this or that. people already have no clue what it is we are REALLY ACTUALLY celebrating within ANY given holiday. now halloween has been so sexed up and energy infused, the bottom line that we celebrate bullshit is not seen. and we continue to be bullshit generators..... within starting this process of facing and realising myself both as i accept and allow myself to be and as i really honestly am -as life-, i decided to make a point to face my fears. fears are a form of accepted limitation. and thats really all fears do. limit self from self directing within action. some people say that fears are protection from bad situations. to keep self alert or always in protection of self. well, that is a fucked up way to be. thats not living at all. thats resting in the experince and self created comfort of fear. i would suggest to be HERE and aware in every moment instead of being directed by fear. an example i had with a friend of mine: i was driving the car and she was in the passengers seat. her bottle of water fell from her hand and rolled under the pedal of the breaks. she accesses memories and ideas from the past, stories she had seen or heard of people dying in horrible car wrecks for this reason or that reason and fear kicks in. shes all "omg tree the bottle the bottle! its under the pedal!". i say to her," breathe. relax. and reach down there and pick it up." she did and i told her in any given situation either we let something else direct us, like fear towards panic and self limitation, or we direct ourselves to do what needs to be done. i told her if i too would have let fear direct me when the bottle rolled under there we would have easily been in a car accident. and the fucked up part is we would have blamed the bottle! lol. to this day she says she keeps that realisation we had in the car that day with her and uses it within situations of being directed by fear or by self. so within the process of self REAL-EYESation, i make a point to face and delete my fears. halloween, after the slut factor, became about the haunted houses and generating the energy from fear. it was about finding the best scarriest ones possible. and i had enjoyed that fear. id go to a haunted house with an arm to squeeze throughout the whole thing. i would have my eyes closed a lot but the energy excites and intices. upon seeing the bullshit that is fears, i wanted to test myself. i went with my boyfriend at the time to a haunted house that was really far away. this place was known to be the scarriest because the people are allowed to touch u and grab u. which at a typical haunted house is not allowed. so i thought this place would be great. there were clowns everywhere. that was a big fear of mine. --and really its interesting now that i do not accpet and allow myself to harbor fears because when i was afraid of these things ( clowns, feet, birds, the dark, haunted houses..) its like i was proud of my roster of fears. like, hello! my name is tree and theeeeeese are my FEARS! it was like a tada! these are them!. and many people have this relationship with their fears. they fucking love them. they list them. they share them. they stand by them. they are okay with them. no one ever thinks to face the shit.-- so clowns was a big fear. walking through this place was so different than any experience i had ever had at a haunted house. i was use to making it this big thing in my head. getting ready for fear, anticipating it, wanting it, wanting it to take me. that was no more. so i walked around this place and looked at people dressed up in clown costumes and they didnt look at animated as i was use to making them in my head or as " oh my goodness this MAY actually be a murdering clown in front of me". they were just people in make up and costumes. it was a eye opening experience for myself to step back, collect self and walk into this sittuation i had been in many and many of times before, for the first time. :).
so nowadays i have friends that want me to do this and that for halloween. would rather push the norm than see the truth about our holidays and celebratory ignorance. but im so not into halloween anymore lol. the getting candy, the dressing up, the fear factor, the disregard. i dont know if we will celebrate any holidays in an equal money system. at least im sure not the ones we do now. im all for letting all this bullshit go. halloween is a hollow time for me. i see hollowness everywhere.

halloween - hollow we.

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