point of desire/acceptance

so i have been dealing with this point for a while. desire. desire to know why. desire to be accepted. desire to understand. desire to be understood. desire for approval. this point is coming up again realising that many people have me blocked on facebook. desteni people. when i realised that one person had blocked me i went into this cycle of, "whatever" then "come on, seriously?" then "what the fuck?!" then "ok. i cant see u, u cant see me either. block back!" then the realisations came.. "stop the seperation. an eye for an eye is the epitome of ignorance. who r u to judge anyone else in their process? who r u to "look down" on someone because u dont "like" what they have done? who r u to seek actions of revenge on someone? if u deem someone else "unworthy" then u deem urself "unworthy" ". and i stopped that "revenge blocking" bullshit. all these points of desire are coming up realising there are a good number of people that have me blocked. desire to know why i am being blocked. desire to know why i am being seperated. desire to be accepted by these people. desire to understand what makes someone would feel they needed to block me. desire for approval from these people. and i think this point goes a lot deeper within me. root tree... ok i have always had this "thing" about not wanting to let people go. always wanting to keep every single "friend" ive ever had. every single "lover" i have ever had. most of the men ive ever had sex with i still talk to or could reconnect with with ease. ( im digging into the sex relationship point. i already know the flowers. getting to the roots is where self honesty needs complete deletion of self deception) most of the friends ive ever had are still around. and if they arent its most likely not cause we have stopped "being friends". ive always felt comfort in the idea that i didnt really get rid of people. i think the root of that is the fact that my dad left us and moved away when he couldnt find work where we were. i created a resentment of him that. i felt betrayed and pushed aside. i carried that resentment with me into highschool. where i had a friend that meant THE WORLD to me and she ended up leaving me when she got a boyfriend. its funny cause neither my father nor this friend LITERALLY left me. i was left by them both emotionally. and that fucked me. i accepted and allowed myself to fuck myself. fucking emotions. and i created this "thing" about not wanted to let anyone go. ever lol. wow. ok.so cool this point is brought up. its all a bunch of bullshit. desire in and of itself. cause i know that desire is useless. its actions that move things into manifestation. not desires. desire as u may, desire as u might. what r u going to DO about it?. i need to focus on my process. continue to get my shit sorted out. not worry or desire to know why the next person is doing what the fuck they are doing. but stay focused here on my process. if i feel judged by someone it is actually me judging myself. if i seek approval from someone it is actually me seeking approval from myself. if i feel someone is seperating me, its actually me existing in seperation.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in seperation.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that anything put towards another MUST be brought back to self. every time.
i forgive myself for aceepting and allowing myself to create this idea of comfort in keeping.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this idea that its "better" to keep every emotionally charged connection.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that anything but ME can "make" me feel rejected.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, in every moment, that i am the controller of that which i experience within me.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to shift blame to self responsibility.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait to write about this point abling myself to uncover the root.
i forgive myself for accpeting and allowing myself to carry resentment towards my father.
i forgive myself for accepeting and allowing myself to carry resentment towards my "bestfriend".
i forgive myself for accpeting and allowing myself to ignore this point of resentment towards my father and friend because this point has presented its self before and was ignored by not existing, in every moment, in self honesty. ignoring is ignorance.

rooting for the root

so marlen has helped to open me up and let me see that i must go deeper in the points i deal with. so in looking at points from now on i will not focus so much on that which has come forth but from where it came. the root of the point. when a baby is searching for food or trying to eat (support themselves) they root for it. the boob. they search for it. rooting. so i shift my focus from the flowers to the roots.

in looking at the root of the point of laziness i see that i created/accepted/allowed this idea that laziness "works" "good enough". what i saw around me were people not really trying, but they were still able to "get by". or if they were trying their hardest, as in the case of my mother, they still werent able to "get a leg up" and live life full. it was all just "getting by". what i saw growing up was that living was fucking hard as fuck. i saw my mother and father struggle. uncles and aunts struggling. i created this idea of "why even fucking try". i didnt feel like we did enough. enough for one another. enough for the world. but the way i saw people participating in the world through the media and the examples i had of those around me helped me to created this pedestal in which i placed the idea of being lazy or "getting something for nothing". my parents were not 9 to 5ers. my dad grew and sold weed growing up and we "got by". my mom worked as a midwife delivering babies at our home growing up. expected mothers would stay with us many days while giving birth on their own time. but because of who she was i dont think she ever charged anyone. she enjoyed doing the work because she enjoyed doing the work. period. but that selflessness was not "good enough" for the world. it didnt work in the world we live in. she couldnt keep that selflessness going and also support herself and her children. i dont think she ever thought of it that way though. my dad quit growing and selling weed but couldnt find a job and moved away. then my mother found her own way of "getting by". worked when she could where she could. gave 100% of herself but still was only able to "get by". and that was barely. i remember my oldest sister was going through shit with school and life and focusing. decided she was going away to job corps. a place that is supposed to be school and job training. i thought of it as a college. it was a "big deal" in my eyes. well she went away and came back a slightly different person. she was in a gang and dressed different and talked differnt. people saw her as cool. i recall thinking that she went off to do something but ended up doing nothing really and now shes in a gang and shes cool and doing nothing. and its "working" for her. lead me to shape this idea of laziness "working". and laziness as what people do. i had a couple of points of "crazy" at age 13 or so. i use to think so much itd give me bad headachs. just think and think. about every situation i was in, everyone around me, too much shit. sometimes i couldnt stop the thoughts and shit. itd make me feel crazy. one intense time i wrote it all out that was going on in me while it was going on in me. i was in a daze cause i really didnt feel like it was me writing when i was writing it. read it over after i had "calmed down". it was insane ramblings. felt like i was going crazy. i was afraid of myself as i was when i couldnt stop my thoughts and mind. i told myself after that, that i would not care about things so much. that caring too much made u go crazy in this world. that id just lay back. be easy. just "get by" to never have to face myself as i was that day. to never have to face that "craziness" in me. to never have to face all the bullshit within me. to never have to face the 'oh please. fuck u' the world would give me if i tried too hard (cause of the idea i created that try as u may try as might, they world doesnt fucking care and will chew u up and spit u out). to never have to face that ugly side of myself/us/the world. i created this idea that just "getting by" was ok with me. that i was ok with it. school fueled this point of laziness because it was so "easy" for me to be lazy within all that had to do with school because i didnt have to try to "get by". so "just getting by" was what i did. point of laziness = fear of facing self (fear of full potential). k cool. the root.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing the idea that laziness "works".
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing the idea that "getting by" was "good enough" for me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing the created idea that all people are "just getting by".
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself based on what i saw people participating in in the media.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself based on what my parents experienced.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself based on my judgements of that which i saw around me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the outside to influence my inside.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my "crazy" on the fact that i cared too much.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing my created idea to make me feel its ok to not care.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my sisters experience at job corps helping to create the idea that laziness and "getting by" was "cool".
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the idea that people would see me as "cool" if i didnt try but still "got by".
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing the creation of this personality of a lazy person.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that in creating this personality of a lazy person i allowed it to influence every part of the experience of myself so far.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that creating an idea based on another experiene is not directing self its being directed.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing my judgement of an experience to direct me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing judgement within me.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that things must be lived or else they are simply information.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this idea of laziness in which accepted and allowed based on what someone else had lived.
i forgive myseld for not accepting and allowing myself to see that this point of laziness is fear of facing myself and all that i have accepted and allowed.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that in fearing myself, i fear the world.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that in facing myself, i face the world in turn.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see me as seperate from the world.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that this created idea of laziness helped me to feel seperate from the world even though i accepted and allowed it based on my thinking that it is what everyone was doing in the world.
i forgive myslef for not accepting and allowing myself to see that i created this idea of laziness to not have to address the fear of myself.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that i created this idea of laziness to not have to address the fear of the world.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create limitation within me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to willingly exist within limitation.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on the world.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this idea of laziness becasue i fear my full potential.