"it may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. we are like eggs at present. and you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. we must be hatched or go bad. " -c.s. lewis

Monday, December 13, 2010


so i have been working on the point of sleep for some time. 7 hours. no more. i have had times where i would set my alarm and my body clock would wake up before the 7 hours were up. i was okay wiht that. pushed past the desire to get the full or ride the alarm out. if my body was ready to get it, it was ready to get up. but then i get to experiene the other side of that statement. "if my body isnt ready to get it, it isnt ready to get it". i lost my phone charger somewhere between here and florida. have no clue where it is. i ordered one on ebay for like $4. no shipping. if i were to go somewhere to buy one would have been about $15. so, because i dont have money for real right now i decided to go with ebay. i have delt with ebay a ton. bought/ sold there. so i figured becaues the price is so low and coming from hong kong it will take a while to get to me. i accepted that. so my phone was on its last leg of battery. i would turn it off and stay up as long as possible. 3 am is the time i like to go to bed. 7 hours. wake up at 10am. but because my phone is my alarm, i had no alarm. so i fell on the point of sleep a couple times. overslept an hour here, half hour there, two hours the next. then i realised that if i turn on my phone and set my alarm and turn my phone back to off i will still sound the alarm even if my phone is turned off. so i was like , "fuck yeah!" i get my sleep pattern back. yeah that didnt last long because then my phone completely died. ive been without my phoen for about two weeks now. been without it with no juice at all for abut a week. so i have been trying to stay up as long as i can to go to bed at an hour that will allow me to be woken up by my sister(bros girl) getting up for work. thats been working combined with the staying up. i have found that if i go to bed earlier i want to sleep longer. so i go to bed as late as possible. its been working fine the past couple days. havent fallen on sleep since the 7th. ive been making a point to write what im stopping, when i fall, when i get back up. just to show myself where i am at and where i have been. last night i was really worried about not getting up. there was a ton on my mind in relation to approval from others. point opened up with reading kristinas post on the forum. a point i will dive into**. oooo thats also related to another point i wanted to investigate on fixation on the process of others/comparison**. but all that mind shit had me convinced that i was about to fall. i stayed up til 215am then laid it down. fully expecting to not get up in my 7 hours time. so my sister gets up in the morning. chaka always wakes when she does cause she hears the other dogs. and i always wake when chaka wakes cause she sleeps right in my body nook :). so she hops off and runs downstairs. my sis lets her out early in the morning to pee. i thought to myself, i am not getting up to even check and see what time it is right now. chaka comes back and hops on my chest. not violently. she feels free about using my body as her bed. i was layin on my back and she hops on my chest and goes back to sleep. as did i. a while, no clue how long, later i was like" ok. time to get the fuck up." i did. went to pee. came out the bathroom and looked at teh clock and it ws 915 am. 7 hours EXACTLY LOL. it was really a funny moment for me. all teh worry that my bodyclock would not support me and i did to a t. so yeah. worried for nothing. thoughts on the worrying for nothing. shit wasnt real but i participated in it anyway. made some peppermint tea and sat down to write this. i am going to make a point to not re-read my s hit before i post it. i think kristina mentioned that also in her forum post. possibly another person. but i can relate to that as well. checking. hiding from faults in wiriting. i see the point of self checking as a help, but the way i was doing it was stopping myself from seeing all the points that come up when im not looking. so for the purpose of exposing myself to myself, i am stopping. i will self check afterward. see what im still existing as within the inital words i choose to write in the moment.

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