"it may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. we are like eggs at present. and you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. we must be hatched or go bad. " -c.s. lewis

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


so i have four brothers and four sisters. big family. like i said in the previous i was the first to go to college and i was like the "meal ticket" the "smart child". we didnt have much money growing up. we were on welfare. food stamps. assitance. there were times when we did not have food at all. but it when i look at it now its not like "woe is me". but there was a point while going through it that i was very angry and resentful of our situation. always thinking of ways that III could make money to at least make MY situation a little bit better. i was an extrememly selfish child. bratty but respectful if that makes sense. never talked back or yelled or cursed at my mom. that didnt fly with us. but the brattiness was in full effect. i really resented those connatations put on me because there was so many of us but this expectation was of me and no one else. its like all before me were given up on in terms of being a money maker. so i resented the lables put on me. which was why it was so easy for me to decide that i was done with school. armed with laziness and a resentment of money and making money. now this point of school. one part of me says go back. finish the marketing degree. dont have a fucking clue what id practically do with the fucking thing. my father, grandmother, probably a couple sisters and brothers are dissappointed in me for not finishing my degree. and with my father it really shows. i fuckedupedly want his approval for some reason. **need to dive into this "daddy point" ** another part of me would really enjoy going to law school. law has always interested me but i was in a different mindset when i decided to go for marketing. id like to change the legal system. bust it wide open with some common sense and equality. someone i know is in law school. reading her study books is like, very cool. the actually me part of me says i cant afford either of them. and thats keeping it 100% practical. i have tons of bills, student loads, credit cards( i learned in school about business and accounting but never learned about the bullshit and swindles of credit cards), hospital bills(almost died once*. tons of bills from that. slit my finger open once really bad. ditto) all of which im totally okay dying with. but these things hinder me. well, they will if i allow them. these are things we allow to hinder us. no excuses anymore. dont now about the point about school though. i am currently paying on my student loans. not all of them (there are many. my mother died my senior year and my dad well**that a point in itself, so i had to get tons of loans to even be able to go to college.) so once i get this one taken care of i'll move on to the next. with getting these jobs i will be able to take care of more bills. i have to be sure not to spend all my money paying off bills though. ill do what i can. i still have to support myself. im not sure where i will be the most effective. creative arts/using creative abilities/new cycle of creative activity all came up in the reading a couple times. this came off to me as artist or something. i do not have artistic abilities. i really had a desire to know what this meant though. maybe i'll grab a paper and pencil and see what pops up LOL.
but school is the major point of this laziness within me. it being easy to me and not having to try. so i had time to be lazy. be in school for laziness or enjoyment of social shit. when i found desteni back in 2008 i dived head first into internal laziness. i didnt do shit back then. i worked a bit. but mostly watched videos all day long. didnt go out much, no tv for like 4 or 5 months at all, no forum participation. just me and jack lol. this was a crazy form of laziness. which lead to a great depression (lol great depression) within me. i was fucked in the head from too much videos and too little action (the laziness). almost killed myself. didnt want to face, well my face. i was seeing what was going on without realising i am the solution to whats going on cause i collectively accepted and allowed the creation and continuation of all this shit. ive become so comfortable in my laziness. i barely see me wrapping myself in the blanket of it when i do. i stop this laziness within me. SF on laziness to come.

No comments:

Post a Comment