"it may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. we are like eggs at present. and you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. we must be hatched or go bad. " -c.s. lewis

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


so the point of laziness has presented itself within me. and to be honest it really hurts me to realise this point within myself. i think its because i have brushed over or looked past the point so much its overflowing calling for attention. i did a tarot reading that really kicked my ass last night. i basically bitched myself out in the form of 17 cards and told myself exactly how it was. opened myself up and layed me out on the bed. it wasnt pretty. but it was honest. so im addressing this point of laziness to begin with. i will take on this point fully. so as to not leave any trace of this shit within me. the point of ' doesnt plan ' came up in the reading. so i am taking that into consideration as well. im taking an hour from the amount that i sleep starting tonight. from 7 hours to 6 hours. no more. maybe less. and upon getting up each morning, chaka and i will take a walk. i never really considered myself lazy, but im thinking that just goes to show the dept of my self delusion. its fucked. i breathe. one point fully at a time. so laziness. i think this point formulated with me initally because of school. school for me was a cake walk. i never really tried in school. and when i didnt try and still got good grades i adopted this "i dont need to try" attitude. and to a point that is true, but when it manifest this all around laziness and unwillingness to give 100% of myself is when i see, okay i have to try to not be how ive always been. and if ive always adopted that attitude its time delete the adoption. i recall school being all about social shit. about friends. doing things with friends. in high school i was in two different programs inside my high school that allowed us to go out of town a lot. the academy of international business where we learn business shit, accounting, currencys, and such. and future business leaders of america where we went out of town a lot to different business confrences, stayed in hotels, got to sight see and do fun workshops. now the reason i was in this things were the social aspect of it. not the learning aspect at all. i recall doing drugs while on these trips and just enjoying my laziness. i graduated top 25 of my class. and took the adopted attitude with me to college. now i have never been interested in learning the shit of our world. i thought it was a bunch of bullshit so i never had a desire to participate fully here. because i did so well in high school i was seen as "the smart child" or "the meal ticket" or "the future money maker". i was the second to graduate high scjool, first to go to college. i only went to college to appease my father and because thats what everyone else was doing. but i wasnt really interested in going to gain knowledge. i choose the major or marketing because i initially thought it was fun. getting people to do things. buy shit they dont need really depending on how "good" or "convincing" i could make an ad or commercial. the movie 'what women want' with mel gibson. i wanted to do what he did. but as i went through life, realising some things. i saw that that was not want i wanted to do at all. the more i interacted with people and learned about people i saw how easily influenced we are. and how much influencing was going on in the world. and how fucking stupid that shit was. and how fuckign stupid that shit made people. so instead of just doing the work to do the work becasue it was easy, the laziness spilled over into not wanting to participate with the work at all. so i dropped out. and worked. started working at citi. doing customer service sales. when money was thrown into the mix, i dropped the whole "i cant do this to people" attitude. i was a shark on the phone at one point. sales incentive checks were great. swindling people into buying shit they did not need. creating needs out of unneccessary wants or fears. it was a game. and i played fully. then more realisation within me. changing myself slowly. this was before comign upon desteni. after realising god was not practical at all (use to be a total god head freak for a while. though it didnt make sense in totality and i didnt like that it excluded much of humanity). but doing the job started to become difficult. i still made my money, but my desire to do so was dwindling away. i didnt want to participate so much in the normal ins and outs of the way we did shit. poverty minded came up in the reading i did. i keep telling my self that things pointed out about self to self dont have to remain of self. i understand what that means. poverty minded. i currently do give a shit about money. i get it where i can, do what i can, dont strive to make too much, but not live on the street either. just get by really. that was a problem with my ex. he supported my laziness so it grew while with him. i need to fully realising that IIIIIIII I must assist and support me. so if i am continuously relying on another i am not able to do that. and the laziness festers. so i am getting two jobs. i plan on moving out of where i am a little after june. my brother and his girl are pregnant. she has no brothers or sistes. i have tons and experiences with birthing kids and taking care of them. so i am staying until she gets into the swing of things. then im out. so i am waiting for a start date from one job and an interview on another. if the second doesnt work out i will go to this busy pizza place near hear and serve. waitressing is a job that i have always feared. probably due to my laziness. serving is no joke. i have been a hostess so ive seen what servers deal with. its not the people aspect of serving. i enjoy interacting with differnt people. its the so much to do within serving aspect. that makes my laziness point stick up. much more to uncover on this point. will open up more soon.

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