porn/masturbation

i fell on this point. i had gone a couple of months without porn or masturbation.since october 1st. it was all fine and dandy. going well. no desires to watch porn and shit. i had sex with the guy from florida. half black half white guy. never been with a black guy before. had much resistance there. we met the day i broke up with my ex. he was single. he was really into me. i thought he was a nice guy. i wouldnt say i was initially attracted to him physically. i was apprehensive cause of the shit going on with the break up and my white guy preference which i have not yet pinpointed. think it has something to do with the way i view my father *point to investigate/address*. next time i went down i wanted to see him. experience him sexually. it had been not looking to get into another relationship. i have told him this. i called him. he wanted to see me but he told me he had a out of state girlfriend which surprised me seeing as he was single when we had met not long ago. i wasnt concerned with his girlfriend honestly. not the first time i had been with a man who had a girlfriend. not a regular or sought out thing. just not the first time. *point to investigate/address*. we ended up getting together, despite his apprehension because of his girlfriend. the experience was ok. i didnt see it as sex with a black man. didnt view it like that at all. i enjoyed myself but i could feel his apprehension through out the whole sexual experience. i wanted to see him again the next day and he was full of guilt and worry and talks of sin this and sin that. he respects my views on things but is really god mind-fucked. before we had sex i told him i dont deal in guilt or worry or right and wrong. that i simply wanted to have this experience with him. and that he shouldnt do things he isnt sure about them. that pretalk did nothing because he was so mind fucked after. he kept saying, "bottom line is, its a sin." so after a small amount of anger, i did self forgiveness and let it go. we didnt end on angry terms. a month later i went back and was there about a week. the day before i left i called him. he was at the same place that i had been that night. i told him he should come pick me up. he was apprehensive for about a split second. then he did and this experience was, fucking wow. there was no apprehension in the sexual experience this time. he and i were fully there and the whole experience was great. he has stopped a lot of things lately as well. he doesnt know of desteni material. i think his starting point is god. but he has stopped drinking alcohol. stopped smoking weed. stopped porn and masturbation as well. dropped some friends. he wants to become a cop. for the money and security aspect of it. we have talked about many things but one only knows how deceptive self is though. thats where self honesty comes into play. we only got to see one another once since i didnt call him until my last day of being there. he said to make sure i contact him next time i am down. that he'd like to make me dinner. maybe watch a movie. when i got home there was so much pent up energy for some reason. the first time we had sex it didnt not cause so much energy to stay within me. this time i couldnt stop thinking about him. well not so much him but the sexual experience we had. how it felt. by day two of me being home i gave in to the energy. watched porn. masturbated. i havent had that build of energy sense.


i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by energy caused by images which are not real.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to retreat into the mind to experience not realising that all is here and here is not in the mind.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by fantasizing in the mind.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that if i am in my mind i am NOT here.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the energy movement in me was an opportunity to explore the breath orgasm.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist the breath orgasm.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the breath orgasm.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about doing it "right" when it comes to the breath orgasm.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to just do it when it comes to the breath orgasm.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that i cannot be intimate with another until i am intimate with myself.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that because i do not know how to be self intimate all experiences with intamacy and another will be from a dishonest stand point.
i forgive msyelf for accepting and allowing myself to fear dropping everything i have ever learned regarding experiencing sex.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that everything i have ever learned regardign experiencing sex has been from a dishonest starting point.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being self intimate.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exploring self intimacy.