"it may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. we are like eggs at present. and you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. we must be hatched or go bad. " -c.s. lewis

Sunday, December 12, 2010

exposing the point of dishonest/anger/blame/holding on to or wanting to hold on to parts of my ex.

so i had this conversation via email with my ex that id like to expose. the last time we saw one another we argued about him getting tested. the last time we spoke he was telling me that the girl he started sleeping with after me had died.

ME-going to get a check up tomorrow at planned parenthood. not that i have been
having unprotected sex, but i need a check up. talking to them and reading up on
chlamydia lets me know that there is a good chance that i am infertile. meaning
i wont be able to have children. if u catch it right away it doesnt have a
chance to cause pelvic inflammatory disease causing pain during sex and scaring
the fullopian tubes causing infertility. but u had it before we got together,
and i didnt find out i had it til we had been together for over a year. so it
was there in me for a while. caused pain sometimes when we had sex but i brushed
it off. just got through it cause i wanted to please u even though it hurt me.
which is why i have tried to stop "just pleasing" people. is so hard. stopping
something uve done for so long. but doing things to please despite common sense,
thats not whats best. thats not whats best for all. i dont know if i am. and i
dont think u can find out without fertility test or trying to concieve without
success. i didnt take all this into consideration when i found out that i had
it. so its just kinda hitting me....i wasnt planning on children and im not
telling u this as a guilt trip or some shit. blame serves no purpose at all. but
i just wanted someone else to know. i talk about most things with people, but i
havent talked to anyone about possibly being infertile. with all the people
around me getting pregnant i wouldnt be able to have a sensible conversation
with anyone about it without being fawned over or pityed. and i cant have that.
i dont want that. i want people to change their ways. not to feel bad for me.
but to stop doing the shit that creates situations like this. i keep telling
myself NOT to feel and react how one would think people normally would. with
anger and blame and worry and fear. and that being infertile wouldnt make me any
less of a woman or a whole person anymore than having a cock makes u a man. its
the mind that plays tricks and initially makes me want to hate and project this
hate onto whomever. its me that knows that would help no one. just wanted to let
u know.

much dishonesty in this email. what i wanted was for him to talk to me. to care about me and show it. to know the possibility that i might be infertile because of the situation we went through. which is displayed in my next email to him when i didnt get a reply within my self appointed time length. anger and "neediness" displayed as well.

ME-theres nothing u want to say to me? nothing at all? ur friend dies and as soon
as i find that out i dont hesitate to call u. couldnt even finish the email
before i was on the phone calling u. even though u asked me how i was doing, but
obviously didnt care about the answer. just a buffer so u could tell me (girls name)
died. even though u assumed i didnt like her (though if u can honestly recall i
never said in ill word towards her). even though u told me to try and make me
feel bad or whatever ur motive was behind telling me that of all the things u
could say to me. even though i told u that if u cared for her like u
claimed u'd continuously voice how unsafe her actions was to her health. even
though we werent talking. even though we got into a fight about u playing
the unsafe std game and fearing the process of getting tested. ur 29. a grown
man. and this shouldnt be the first time nor like pulling teeth for u to get
tested. its important. soooo very important to KNOW. people are spreading
stdiseases and they dont know it. and many dont even care. but considering our
situation, that goes without saying. which is why u being with (girls name) like u
were upset me. not so much because u were seeing someone else. though i will be
honest, i did not like that. cause of my ego and i love u and wanted us to fix
things. not see other people. but many girls and guys have chlamydia and dont
even know it. reading up on it and the infertility that can be caused i found
countless forums of different girls telling the same story over and over and
over and over. many girls were just like me. went against better jugement and
had unprotected sex before doing the practical thing, going with our new
partners to get tested and display enough care for one another to take the
initiative to KNOW. instead we did what felt good. what was in our self
interest. and now many dont know if they are infertile or not. many knew the
risk and were still promiscuous with many guys unprotected. many had no clue
where they even got it from. but i digress, even though u didnt answer my many
calls or return my calls when i called. i still continued to call u til u
answered. because i care for u. period. unconditionally. no matter what u did to
me. no matter what happened between us. i always just wanted u and i to support
one another truely. not just financially. not just emotionally. but on a even
grander scale than that. love has no conditions. its unconditional. love is not
exclusive. it includes all. has no limitations. thats what makes the word love
real. not just a word people say to manipulate other people in self interest...
well im off. i just wanted some words from u before i went in to talk to these
people. something. anything. ive been hesitant to see other people. but i now
know that u will never care for me like i care for u. and if u do, it wont be
because of anything i do or say. cause ive done and said it all.

tons of dishonesty here. its fucked cause i KNOW that we are not supportive together. i know that we cannot be in a practical agreement at this point in our processes or maybe even ever. but i feel like there is some kinda hold over me with my ex. though i know i am in total control over that which i experience. i see my attempt at manipulation of him with the sentence "ive been hesitant to see other people. but i now know that u will never care for me like i care for u."
i manipulated a ton when we were togther. i knew for a while that we couldnt work but i kept trying and trying and trying and trying to make it work anyway. making shit more difficult actually. keeping him around just to have someone around maybe? i didnt have trouble having someone around before though.

HIM-I really hope you're ok. I'm just now reading all this.

When did u call?? I don't have a bunch of missed calls or anything.

I was hesitant to get tested cause I hate needles and didn't want to go alone. I got tested out here and I ended up with my vision blurring on me then my speech started repeating till my temp went crazy and I puked hard. I lost like all color and had to lay down, they wouldn't even let me drive home. Needles do not agree with me at all. My tests came back fine and I've got a copy of the papers.

I would feel horrible if you couldn't have kids from what we went through. I really truly hope that is not the case.

You know I had more love for you then I knew how to handle. I kept on trying over and over. I do wish I could be there so you have someone going through this. You really confuse me, when I'm there and wanting to try it felt like I was dealing with a closed door but if I try to move on then you're upset with me.

It really hurt me the day you said you loved everything the same. I'm not like that, love to me means I value that person above myself. I'll always love you that will never change. You're a huge part of my life that changed my perception on many things and showed me other sides of the world. I never wanted to lose you.

I hope you're ok

(his name)

ME-i didnt say in the email that i called u for this situation. i said when u told
me what happened in that email about (girls name), i was on the phone trying to call
u. i called u a ton and u didnt answer. i texted u and u didnt reply. i waited.
u never called back. i called u again even despite all the shit that went on
with us. didnt make any assumptions about why u were emailing me this
considering we hadnt talked and fought last time we did. there was no hesitation
to call u. i do wonder what ur motive was for emailing me that. but i guess
thats something u have to honestly answer for urself.
i just really needed u to say something before going in to my appointment. say
something to calm me. not real ising, i direct the calm in me. just like i
direct sadness, and happiness. i am in control of that which i experience. which
is why i have come to accept my shared responsibility for what happend in
totality with us.
im glad u went and got tested. glad ur clean and clear and know it. next time
try breathing through ur misconceptions of needles. figure out why u feel the
way u do about needles. try pinpointing when u accepted the idea that needles
dont agree with u. and what purpose that feeling about needles serves. to
practically care for urself u will need to interact with needles. im sure u
worked urself up into quite a pre-needle mind fuck, u were bound to act out
those needle thoughts. (i.e. throwing up, sweats, temp change) thoughts and
emotions can be so dibilitating if we allow them to be.

i talked to the doctor and she said that the pain from PID which causes the
infertility would have been unmistakably unbareable. that a bit of pain from the
sex was probably because of the infection, but if it would have caused PID i
would have known it. so im not thinking of it anymore.
we have different definitions of trying. of course i was upset that u moved on.
we were together for two years. and when we broke up i told u that YOU were the
controller of how the break up went. u decided that it should go this way. u
could have made it go another way. by actually hearing me and the things i was
saying. im sure u dont have a clue what i said when we broke up. im sure u dont
have a clue why we broke up. u didnt want to hear me. u wanted to listen to what
u wanted to listen to and then react to it. and i admitt i did the same often
within the relationship before the breakup. so i dont know why i was surprised
that u were mirroring and reflecting my actions back to me. (the way of the
world). we could have taken time to get our shit together. but thats not what u
wanted. u didnt want to change anything about urself. i have changed so much
about me since we broke up. took into consideration the things u didnt "like"
about me. things i didnt "like" about myself. things i dont like in the
world. my smoking cigs. my attitude in general. how i treat people in general. i
understand u listen to me when i talk about things, but u dont hear me. yes. i
want to love everything/everyone equally. i havent fully gotten there. i am only
human and im trying. but yes. to love something as i love myself is more
practical than placing someone above me and myself below a person. not
participating in the polarity that is superiority/ inferiority.
above/below. right/wrong. cause in actuality all those are two sides of one
single coin. i am then able to show anyone the respect and care i woud show
myself. thats me being the change i want to see in the world. the only practical
way to change is to change self. and u may think u loved me above urself, but u
did not. and if u have a look at our two years, and break that word love down to
a simple unadulterated honest definition, we can see that neither of us showed
each other the true meaning of the word. which is why we didnt work. i wont stop
changing myself. i know u dont want to change with me. letting u go is the
hardest thing i have ever had to do. i will never ever stop loving u robert.
know this. i couldnt if i tried. if me emailing u or communicating with u makes
it hard for u to move on, then i will look at the mirror reflection and admitt
that talking to u also makes it hard for me to move on. and though it KILLS me,
i stop.
guess this is goodbye.

i still see me blaming him a bit in this email. masked with self responsibility. bullshit. dishonest. every moment. every statement i must be able to stand within and as life. (*point of blame-SF required)

HIM-I don't believe at all that the needles thing is entirely mental and like many things relates back to my blood sugar problems.
I did the regular and herpes tests so it required 2 things of blood, I ate on my way to the place, drank orange juice before I took the test, they used a small needle, I didn't look at it and I was totally calm before it started.
She did a great job getting the needle in with no problems, I was ok through the first tube then during the second I felt my sugar levels drop like an absolute stone. I was in the middle of a sentence and my vision blurred on me then I started repeating what I was trying to say and couldn't complete the thought even, then my body temp went insane, my head was covered in sweat within a few seconds. I've never liked needles or being cut or pierced at all, I never had a truly traumatic experience to instill that fear in me. I believe on a much more basic level its' my body's self defense knowing it can't regulate my levels during blood loss.

You and I were never able to get to the same page as to just how much my blood sugar levels truly affected me and how best to deal with it together cause I did need help with it. I've learned a lot since we dated about my physical problems with food/blood sugar and how severely it affects me. I know now that a huge portion of the problems I suffered from during our time were related to our awful diet and timing of food and not putting my physical health needs first. You've accused me many many times of not truly listening to you, to be fair you never truly listened and cared about my problem and I know we talked about it early on in our relationship. The solution of screaming at me as to why I didn't eat without you was not a solution but a way to pass the responsibility all back on my shoulders when I did need help with my problem. Yes you did cook for us and I appreciated that but it was more contingent on your needs and your ability/need to smoke then on our actual health needs. These days I try to stop and think about my food / when I ate last / etc... whenever I start to feel off or emotional or irrational to try and resolve things but I'm still learning and it's not something I can deal with once in a while. The more I learn about it the more it's truly something I have to consider on a daily basis as I do get very unstable and affected strongly by my blood sugar levels.

I really don't recall seeing that many missed calls at all from you so I don't know if I didn't get them or what happened.

I reached out to tell you about her passing I guess just to have someone to talk to about it cause it was a very tough thing to go through. In the end no amount of talking could have prepared me for that funeral, I've never been to an open casket before and that is by far one of the most freighting and difficult things to ever see in your life. Her family was really supportive and awesome through it all, she was able to fill the church to standing room only.

I'm glad the doctor was able to relieve some of your fears, I'd have felt terrible if you couldn't have kids because of me. I always thought you'd be a great mom one day, I loved how you were with Bill's kids and being there with me through all that.

I have looked at our 2 years and that's complete and utter bullshit to claim I didn't truly love you. Do you remember anything about me or us? I turned my life upside down to be with you, I changed everything to give us a chance and let no one stop me. I supported you for 2 years straight for your every want and need. I did my job of providing a safe home for us, I supported you in every effort you made to better your own career, I always made you feel physically wanted/attractive and tried to show that affection & interest every day even when you pushed me away. I gave you everything I had to give every day, yes I had my faults but nobody can love you the way I did and go through the things you put me through and still love you. We fought hard and long about many things but when you break it all down we had everything we ever needed to be happy. We had a safe home, each other, food on the table, pets to care for, cars to drive, tv to watch & guitar hero to play :) Our internal bullshit ripped us apart because frankly the desire to be "right" was stronger then the desire to compromise and work together. You never valued what I provided and just blew it off as just "financial", which is wrong, very wrong. I worked hard all the time and yes you cleaned & cooked but you couldn't just be happy with that it had to be a fight that I wasn't doing half of your work while you did none of mine. When you worked it wasn't to help us it was always to help yourself.

I had and still do have some issues from our relationship, I internalized a lot of the negativity you sent at me till I felt many things were my fault but I've realized a lot in the past few months. I've realized I'm not a bad person or crazy or wrong for having a high sex drive. I've learned that I do have serious blood sugar problems worse then I ever thought, that yes you are right I do have to be ok with not having sex every day and finding a way to not let that make me feel unwanted and unloved as I did have a huge complex from our sex life. All the problems we had made me feel horrible inside about having strong physical desires and having crazy emotions. I always felt you were amazingly beautiful to me and I always wanted to have sex with you, I no longer feel guilty for that. I do feel guilty for letting my love for you to allow myself to be put through the emotional abuse of all the rejection. No matter the reasons why I fully believe it was very morally wrong to manipulate our sex life.

I let a lot of things get way out of hand in our relationship and I should have been much more firm on where we stood in our relationship. We never should have moved in together without first setting down rules for who's doing what for us to have a home. That was a bad mistake from day 1 as we both had different views of what we were responsible for and I'm sorry for that. My love made me very blind as I wanted to be with you that bad. I never should have felt guilty for not cooking or cleaning but by the same token I should have done it willingly more often.

How in the world can you say I was in control of how the break up went? You walked out on me and our home.
When I tried hard to save things you got angry, when I stopped trying you got angry, when I physically moved on you hated me. I never wanted to move on to other people at all, even when I did I got yelled at cause I refused to delete your pictures from my phone and woke up in tears from you calling out to me in my sleep.
I was never ready for us to be over, even when we fought like cats and dogs I never felt in my heart that I wanted to be without you. Even when you were yelling at me as you're picking up the last of your stuff all I wanted was for the pain to end and just to have you back in my arms and be ok.

I did listen to you, but if you ever listen to yourself like truly listen you'll find contradiction, tons of it. There was no right answer with you, there was never a way or a path that I could follow to find that happiness with you.
You can ask anyone that knew us and everyone knows that I loved you.

I'll never understand the root cause for the anger in you at me and us. No matter the hell we put each other through my love was always stronger for you then all of that bs meant to me.
I know I was a good person and treated you well, I just wish you could see the good I always had in my heart for us. Only way I can really show you that the view of us as a horrible couple being wrong is to ask you to look at our pictures, look at how we really were, I have tons and tons of photos of your smiling face being happy & loved. Those moments are what count at the end of the day, the fights and the anger is all pointless in the end, all that really ever mattered is the good times. I'll always have fond memories of you, I think about you every day and still miss you. I never wanted this to end... never. I still have every picture of us we ever had on every wall, I only took them down so I could stop collapsing in tears and pain from missing & loving you, I never took them down out of anger... It hurt my feelings a lot when you told me you sold your wii and everything like was just a toy cause to me it was a strong memory of all the effort it took to find everything for you and how happy you were playing it and watching you and piny rock out together.. guess I'm just sentimental sometimes.

If you have to walk away from me to be ok for you then do it for you because I don't need you out of my life to have a life. I miss talking to you.

Sorry if this email lost it's cohesiveness, I can't type much more, tears & emotions running wild.. i still love you so much, you still affect me so much still right down to the core.

ive totally lost my train of thought... i love you

ME-u affect me so much as well. i hate that we cannot see eye to eye. that email
doesnt show much self responsibility for anything that happened with us. the
things that actually tore us apart. and we are both responsible. equally. if u
must, continue to blame me and not see urself within it all. because thats what
u did in that email. a lot of blaming. not a lot of self responsibility.
wether u blamed all the things on me, not seeing urself within it all or u
blamed things on ur blood sugar, not seeing urself within it all. u dont even address the things that tore us down. ur attitude. ur anger. ur output. ur inability to see. i begged u to help me fix shit before i left. u ignored me. and thats not the fault of the blood sugar or me. and that is what caused the anger i had towards u. ur dismissal of the issues and things i felt were important. not that
my anger was justified. it was fucking ignorant actually. i should have handled
things in a completely different way. and i dismissed what u said about ur
eating. however that must be a self responsibility. i understand helping to
maintain it but u took no physical action to stop it from affecting ur
life/mood/attitude as it did. im glad that ur taking the initiative to maintain
ur blood sugar now. fucked up that it took going through our relationship to see
that its something u must maintain daily, "or else" i guess. i never did tell u
how much i appreciated the financial support u gave me. without money u die in this world. so i know i wasnt as appreciative as i should have been. i definitely am aware of that now. and i know i owe u money. i will pay u back. in turn u cannot get
on me for working and it not going to the house when for one, u didnt pay all
of my personal bills. so i agree. when i worked it was to help myself stay
afloat. i had a phone. student loans and other bills that i used my money to
pay. how else was i going to practically support myself in that aspect. and dont
think that statement means i dont realise all the other things u helped me
with. and for two, u made a ton more than me. a ton. a fucking ton. u were doing
all this before i came around and u didnt need me and made sure i knew that ud
keep doing it if i wasnt around. wether u were with me or not u would be doing all of what u were doing financially. and in ur own inadvertant way, made me feel less because of it. that i didnt make more or held it over me as to why i shouldnt say a thing about cleaning up after everyone from day one. and the fact that u bitch about me asking u to do anything was the kicker. i never asked u to do half of the house work. its just that anytime i asked u to pick something up or not leave food or plates laying about or put something in the sink or wipe a counter i was asking too much. u felt i shouldnt say anything about anything. but again. that was my allowance. i could have voiced this and not keep it inside. forced us to talk it out. i could have taken that action instead of just participating in anger that u didnt get me or what i was saying at all. u say we never should
have moved in without setting down some "rules" first. re read that 8 page
letter i wrote u before u came to PA to get me before i moved in. thats all i have to say about that. ur not a bad person. and fuck, if i made u feel like u are i truely apologize. and i can see how the way i displayed how i felt would make u feel
like a bad person. but u werent. u did allow sex to close ur ears to
ur girlfriend. i didnt think u were bad or anything for wanted to be with me. i
wanted u to hear me. help me. not just fuck me. sex was emotionally
connected for me at that point. if we werent there emotionally i didnt want to
be there sexually. and i cant say that was the right or wrong thing to do
either. but we both manipulated our sex life. know that. i wanted to use it to
make u remember and u wanted to use it to make me forget. i accept my
responsibility for all that happened with us. there is no "right path" to follow
to make anyone happy. for one, its up to self to make self happy. and for two,
if u and ur partner are truely partners u will work as one and not two in every
way. u still have no clue why i left. and u never really cared to find out
anyway. u just wanted me back. u gave me everything u had to give but in ur way.
financially. sexually. but u never gave me a partner. there was much dismissal
of things. and i am not oout of responsibility within that statement either. im not
trying to stop u from moving on anymore. i know that is what u just wanted to do
a while ago with (girls name). and i admitt that it pissed me off. u know. u were
there in those text :). but i stopped u becase i was still experiencing a lot
of jealousy and hated the fact that we didnt do all we could. the both of us.
and u just moved on. not realising we are just not at places to where we can have a all around successful partnership. i dont know if u recall, but us was the first
relationship i have ever been in before. first time i lived with a guy. first a
lot of things for me. so i can say myself that i did much wrong. i see myself
within our relationship. which is why i have been changing so much about me.
down to the core. considering not only ur actions but mine in turn. point by
point. but u still dont see u at all. and thats not saying "oh (his name)is such a
bad guy". because i dont see that. this isnt the blame game. its the self
responsibility game. it means u dont see urself within all the things that
happened with us. we walked that train wreck together. (not saying it was all
bad (his name). we had great times as well. i know thats how u feel when i point out
the things u dont want to address.) every point u have about me, turn it back
around to self. see where u fit in on it as well. because u do. on every single
point within why we didnt work. the both of us. and i dont see that uve done
that when u talk about what happened with us. its my desire to be right. my
anger. my reactions. my weed haibt. my manipulation of sex. my issues with
cleaning. i mean, seriously. theres a ton WE should have done different.

still see blame in some of my words. hypocritically getting on him for existing as blame and not self responsibility in and as every point as i do the same. reflections of self. still attempting to fix i see by my words. fix him. fix us. fix me. only one of those i actually have physical control over. and that is fixing me. thinking of the video on banning i watched today i see that sometimes its best to not participate with some people. and i know this. but obviously i dont stand as that statement fully. no resistance. no seperation. no judgement of him involved. just the point to stand as or not stand as. what am i standing as continuing this shit? time to stop. fully. (*point of fixing/control/"help" sf)

hmmm. hope! that sneaky bitch! i think that is the root of my "need to still try and fix." hope that he may change the way he thinks. hope that he may turn into someone else. hope that we may get back together (which is a crazy point because i was so unhappy with the way we were together and lost all hope of us which is why i left. guess hope was hiding within me.) damn, emotions and feelings are a mind fuck. step one, stop seeing emotions and feelings as MINE or as apart of ME. they are not mine. they are not me. so stop.

k cool. thats it for now.

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