fucking myself terribly

experiencing a lot of shame right now. its not guilt. more like woe is me for letting this all happen. had the craziest experience last night. all of which i brought on myself. talking to my ex on chat. he asks if i had been with anyone since him. i told the truth and said yes. he flips out on me. cant believe i wouldnt fuck him but would fuck someone else. says he was trying to get back with me while i was fucking someone else. funny. since he began to fuck someone else very soon after our break up. she recently died in her sleep. took me 6 months to be with another. but he was fueled with anger and self pity. started going the fuck off..saying he hopes i used protection with all the shit i gave him (i said of course i did. i was with an ex who gave me a fucking std so yeah. i dont play the unwrapped shit anymore.) talking shit about the guy though he doesnt know him at all. says he gave up so much to be with me. gave up going to lodge and being with his racist masonic friends to be with me. and that the people in the neighborhood we lived in were racist and he had to "deal" with that. people looking down on him for being with the poor worthless black girl. and that he had to sacrifice giving up all these racist people in his life all to be with me. he really just saw me as the black pussy experience. liked the idea of sticking his cock in me whenever he wanted, but not really giving a partnership a go. he wanted to fuck me, but keep all the racist down looking shit going in his life. resented me for being who i am (the black aspect and the way i view life aspect. caring for all. loving all the same. he says he hates that i love that way.) though he thought that shit he was giving me was love. gets pissed that i tell him it was not. and that he never loved me at all. he says he sees all the desteni shit and reads my "insane" blog. i told him i actually listen when he speaks and i know he reads my shit and knows he goes on the site. that doesnt concern me. the point is to expose self and self bullshit. he never changed his life for equality. he knew about desteni but never did a fucking thing about it. but be pissed at me for wanting to change shit and throw desteni in my face to try and hurt me. we got into a fight once while we were toghether. we were upset at one another. probably because of his 'sex is god' attitude and refusing to hear me. not talking about what should have been. he had/has serious anger issues. rage issues. the rage he has in him makes him blind. hes a differnt person when he gets like that. he has torn up the house before in a fit of rage. he has cursed out and raged at old men while blocking them in a corner unable to get away before. any one or anything really. beat the shit out of a car. but yeah, he was pissed already and we got home from being at the mall. we were throwing a holloween party the next day. his friend was standing there waiting. the alarm was going off in the kitchen. i thought he was going to get it, he thought i was going to get it, he was freaking about it taking too long and the cops coming. finally got turned off. he got in my face and said something rude and threatening then walked away. my hands were filled with bags and my purse. rage or not, being threatened or not, i was not afraid of him. i said, yeah u need to walk away cause i will kick ur fucking ass. he didnt like that. grabbed me around my neck with his hand and started to choke me. i look at his friend and his hands were in his pockets like he was watching a fucking film above our heads. not even looking at what was happening in front of him. when we had gotten into bad verbal fights before his friends have talked to me. saying thats just how he is, hes always been that way, he thinks cause he makes so much money he can do and say whatever he wants, u should see how he treated the girls before u, ur lucky, blah blah bullshit. but they all stay "on his team" never saying a word agaisnt the obvious bullshit of it all. so i figured, okay this fuck is not going to help me. i dropped everything in my hands and proceeded to beat the shit out of my boyfriend. i mean this was a real fight. broken necklace, being thrown up agaisnt a wall. i have never put up hands with a boy before. but we went at it. ended up dislocating his shoulder and hes screaming at me that im crazy and why did i do that and all this fucking jazz. disregarding the fact that he tried to choke a girl holding tons of bags and defensless. or so he thought. i didnt even leave him after this. during this chat converstation he says, oh and my friend didnt do anything that night cause u were fucking crazy insane for no reason. okay. the whole wanting to be around the racist and pissed that he couldnt being with me pissed me off (i never knew he felt THAT way about the whole me being black thing), then this choking cherry on top set me off completely. i knew he never really like me. resented me for not making money like he did. resented me for being black. resented that he couldnt be with his mason friends cause i didnt like what they were about. i never told him he couldnt but i displayed my dislike for the way they viewed other people and their desire for control and power. it was mostly about his infatuation with the black girl experience. the black pussy he had never had. he had never even talked to a black girl before me. i use to try not to be with white men who had never been with a black woman before. the black experiementers i use to call them. told this to one and he says its not a black experiment, its a black experience. that sounded to me like its not toMAYto its toMAto. i found it was all about the thrill for them. not about the person. but with my ex i pushed a ton of myself aside to attempt to be with him. i never wanted to be in a relationship. i hated how men and women related to one another. all that shit i pushed aside slowly said "um tree. u cant forget what u already know". who i am, the things i cared about never mattered to him. he has tons of naked pictures of me. hes in arizona right now. i told him we are meeting up as soon as he gets back in town. i dont mind being seen naked. im honestly fine with my naked body. i enjoy being naked. wouldnt mind if people saw these pictures of my nakedness. but i want them deleted from his phone. point blank fucking period. why does he want to look at pictures of the insane bitch who kept him from his racist friends for these years. to re-live the dishonest black experience/experiement whatever. fuck that. i have pictures of my own. and he knows this. he was there. we did a little freaky shit while together. we will get together and delete all his from his phone and all mine from my computer. im done with this. im done trying. im done wanting to fix shit. im done hoping things change. im done wanting this to change. i hate feeling vindictive. feeling like i need to defend myself. went to bed feeling like shit. realising how he felt about me being black. realising how he felt about not getting to be around his racist mason friends. i never met his father the whole time we were together becasue im black and he was afraid his dad would write him out of the will. this shit went to sleep with me. and so i dreamt. in this dream i was the observer of all and the experiencer of all. all at the same time. it was intense. in the dream this guy was talkign to this other guy about how he wanted this black girl dead. he was pissed at her. she had hurt him. i felt the hurt within him. he felt justified in decided to have this black girl killed. he,i, planned and plotted this killing. he got a friend to do it for him. the friend was full of anger, but sadness at the same time. he both want to do and didnt want to do what he knew he was going to do. while experienceing this dream i knew that i would have to be all people. experience all parts. and i was afraid. i knew that i, the observer/experiencer would have to die. it wasnt death that i was afraid of. it was having to experience and view the act of my dying and also do the killing. from all angels nonetheless. so the guy gets teh girl to come over. i am as the friend waiting in the stairs for the girl, me, to come. the friend didnt want to do what he was about to do, but felt that he had to do it. and he was okay with the fact that he had to do it, though he didnt want to. the girl was afraid. she didnt know what to expect from this meeting. she felt that her boyfriend (the guy who asked his friend to kill her) was crazy and she didnt trust him and this meeting. the friend grabs her and drags her down the stairs. now being both observer and experiencer was really fucking intense while this was going on. being pulled from one position to the other. oen perspective to the other. not missing a beat when it comes to the experience of all in the dream. fuck. the friend takes the girl down the steps and proceeds to beat the shit out of her. in his mind he thinks, "this is what i have to do. i am helping a friend. this is okay." we were at some kind of apartment complex and there were tons of people around. watching the friend(a male), me, beat the shit out of the girl. also me. and its fucked cause i felt how the people around watching felt also. i felt rage, like a sporting event excitement, cheering on the beating, happy to see this happening to this black girl, she must have deserved it, get her! i felt from the girls perspective, on the ground, being watched, feeling helpless, tons of sadness, a bit of acceptance. as the friend kicked the girl a ton more times i think a cop made him stop and go away. but they left the girl there. and she, i, died. i woke up. it had been almost exactly 6 hours from when i went to sleep. body clock alarm woke me up. and wanted to cry. and i did. all that emotion in the dream still lingered when i woke. so upset i had let this whole thing with me ex get to THIS point within me. im done fucking myself. self forgiveness to come, i just dont even know where to start right now...