Tuesday, September 29, 2009
the boyfriend and i have been fighting a lot lately. its cause this whole deal with us is so dishonest it makes me sick half the time. its like im silent throught the bullshit cause i just dont know what to do. then when im not silent, im really not silent :). ive been attempting not to exist as anger. doing a pretty good job. i have my times. as we all do. but i am not one and equal to anger. anger is not real. and i know this. so when i decided to act and exist in andas anger then its intense. because its not me. who i am. thats where my boyfriend is all fucked up. he says that the birth control pills i am on is what makes me angry and shit. no. its us. him. me. this bullshit we call relating to one another in this relationshit. so when i am me, as i truely am, then go from there to pissed the fuck off and crazy angry i can see where he may think im "moody" or there is some outside forced making me this way. i can see that because he doesnt think that we are responsible for ourselves and the bullshit we do. he'd rather blame it on some outside shit. same bullshit as the reason people believe in god. fucking stupid shit really. so we argued. i told him hes a pussy. and using the pills as a cop out instead of facing the fact that the issue is us. not the fucking pills. its like going around in circles and circles and circles and circles and circles. its so old. sometimes i am okay in my happy little illusion of us and this happy couple and all that glitzy bullshit. but because the red pill has already been taken, there aint to going back from self and realization. so then i get in my "right mind" and get a bit down on myself for the sharaid and the dishonesty. i get down on myself for not trying enough to make him into someone i can be with and support and have support from. then i realize. i cannot change him. as much as id fucking like to. i cant. i cant make him see. and that suks. and to be completely 100% about it, i dont know what would happen to be if i left him. i have no where else to go. so that is more dishonesty. some of the reason i stay with him, knowing we are not good for each others process at all, is i dont drive to get out and make money and have lots. i mean i want things. still dealing with my bullshit desires. but i dont want to do life the way people do life. i dont like it. never fucking have. but that boils down to i must assist and support myself. right now. this is the way. its that and the fact that i do have love for him. i know that love is not what i want to exist as either. but how does one tell a boyfriend that lol. i cant make him see. all i am doing is making him crazy. maybe thats his way of assisting and supporting himself. having me around to shake him up. that is not the way i see it. but practicality supports self. wether self likes it or not. so its not me. and its not him. its the pills. im thinking i will agree to switch birth control. but then the pills excuse cannot be used when things stay the same. and they will. i am not blind. its has been this way in a "different measure" since we have been together. i started the dishonesty. i am responsible. when will i stop being a fucking punk and stand? til here. no further.