"it may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. we are like eggs at present. and you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. we must be hatched or go bad. " -c.s. lewis

Monday, September 21, 2009

9 years ago today

sooo its been 9 years since my mother died unexpectedly. i am a completely different person than i was at the 6 years since mark. i understand a lot more. i stand more. i am not sad today. like every other sepetember 21st since she died. i am not thinking about the events that transpired 9 years ago today. i am not holding onto and being a slave to the past like i usually am on this day. i am o fucking kay :) which is awesome. i have had issues with the death of my mother for so so sososososososo long now. its nice to not have to hold onto anger and guilt and regret and shame and all the other bullshit emotions i linked to my mothers death. hell, she is me and and am her. if i wish to speak with her, i speak with myself. wow. i just realized that i dont miss her. i mean, fuck. :) my personal possession issue is being transcended. i use to always feel like i had to keep everyone i have ever met with my somehow someway. wether its always keeping in touch or always thinking about or holding onto memories. its getting better. i am stopping. i appreciate myself for accepting and allowing myself to not shy away from this process.

..and there was a baby born today :). caiden. poor thing has no clue what is in store for him. i like babies. i think its pretty fucking cool that they just came from where we all came from and go back to. like JUST came from there. thats awesome :)

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