"it may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. we are like eggs at present. and you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. we must be hatched or go bad. " -c.s. lewis

Monday, September 21, 2009

no picking

sooo its been a couple of days since i stopped. the first day was okay. i mean. as okay as okay can be i guess. this picking of mine is so ingrained into me. its so subconscious its sick. i'll be going about my day and i will realize that my hand is on my face or rubbing over my face. i just did it now. lol it really does make me laugh because i have literally let this habit become who i am. i barely have anything to do with it anymore. its like something u put on auto debit or something like that. and u forget about it. but its still auto debiting. i picked three or four times yesterday. sigularly picked single things. my body is a playground for pickage so 3 or 4 aint bad. i would find myself rubbing a sore over and over telling myself to breathe and not give in to the bullshit. my hand is like a child that tries its parents patience. the child is doing something its not supposed to. the parent tells the child "dont u do that". the child reaches the hand a bit more toward the "no no". the parent tells the child "dont u do that". the child reaches a bit more. its like my hand keeps fucking trying me! lol i tell it to do one thing and it asks me "u sure i cant do this?" i honestly feel like a crack addict that is trying to kick it cold turkey. that is how much i have fucked myself within this whole picking issue. it is literally like withdrawal. i have not "gone to town" in the least bit with the picking. usually i am in my face and all over my body picking all fucking day. now im at the point where i am just touching what i want to pick, but not picking it. i need to be able to have the things (sores, scratches, scrapes, pimples) there, and just not fucking care. completely stop. easier said than done but i am doing this. why wait? i told my boyfriend i was done with picking. i can tell he doesnt really believe me. he has this issue with him biting his fingers. not finger nails (cause the mother fucker has none). fingers. he bites around his none existant nails almost (i say almost cause my picking gives any habit a run for its money) as much as i pick my body. i know that it is him eating away at self. refusing to let self grow because he really doesnt like himself. but that is just crazy tree desteni shit let him tell it. i was freaking a bit yesterday, remember i am a drug addict right now, and i see him biting. i tell him he should stop too. he says its different with me because mine causes problems. yes, my habit is so "bad" that i have picked myself bloody on many many many many fucking occasions. i have also see blood on his fingers also from being bitten when there is nothing to fucking bite. projection. people project their bullshit onto others when they are afraid to really look at self. this cycle is so fucking shitty. all our bullshit, the more i learn about it, is really laughable. its laughable how inslaves we are by habits, fear, desires, hopes, religion. and i mean its OBVIOUS! fucking obvious! yet we make excuses to why it cant be so. this mind fuck is bigger than many realize. everyday i realize it more and more. and i still dont grasp it all and completely stop EVERYTHING.... breathe. i am going to get through and transcend this habit. and all the others. wether now or later. its getting fucking done.

1 comment:

  1. try self forgiveness for picking yourself and see where it goes.