on the verge...

i hate myself right now. yeah. damn. i am existing as self hate..creating self love somewhere. supporting this shity polarity design. not standing up for self for all for life as oneness an equality. just had an impromptu convo with the boyfriend. he stirs up so much anger in me. its like here i am here i am, there i go and anger remains. whenever we talk its like his main goal is to prove me wrong. that is his only goal. picking at things. trying to break down this "new person" i am "becoming". finding new ways to ask the same questions that have already been answered. after talking of existing as fear and superiority and inferiority instead of life in its true form, m inus the fluff(the bullshit) he asks, how can i not exist as life if i am living. stupidity fucking pisses me off. i think that is why our conversations turn to arguments and i just have to walk away from it all. ( which is funny cause that is what must happen in its entirty for me to be practical about my process. i must walk away from it all.) i mean dont get me wrong, i am fucking stupid sometimes. hell, i pick my face. stupid. i exist in anger. also stupid. i dont stand as self as all as life in every moment. again, stupid. but its seems that i judge others more than i judge myself. i let the stupidity in myself be within and as me and attempt to transend the mind fuck of such stupidity. but the stupidity of others i have no tolerance for lol. its a mind fuck of separation from self really. cause he is me and i am him. he is bringing up something within myself i have not yet looked at. i told him he should go on the forum and ask questions. he says he does not want to talk to those people. and he does not want to join the group. i fucking hate it hate it hate it when people refer to deseteni as a group in which to belong or not belong to. serious. fucking stop it. desteni does not qualify as a group to me. a group to me is a body in which one can belong or not belong to. in the group or out of the gorup. that is not the case with desteni. that are people. people in a house. people in a house on a farm. people in a house on a farm in south africa. people in a house on a farm in south africa who are in process. plain and simple. they are people. thats it. not some religions in which to belong to. not some group in which to belong to. and for real for real my love, they dont want ur ass! they arent the army like, 'we want u!" no. sorry. ur not special. i asked him, do masons believe in god? he says no and that they actually dont speak of god or gods or BE LIE-fs. he says the only requirement is that u must believe that there is something out there. so i say oh okay. so u have to participate in the polarity design of the bullshit world in the sense of "superiority" and "inferiority". he is like no not at all. he says u just have to believe something out that. that they arent allowed to talk about the beliefs. im like so they just gotta make sure at the beginning of being a mason, that u have BE LIE-fs to begin with. he says basically u cannot be an atheist and a mason. so u cant NOT support the idea that there is something above u and u are below something. u have to support it. there has to be something out there greater than self to be a mason. he says no. and tried to reword it. i told him u can sprinkle sugar on shit, but its still shit. he asks, is the sugar not still sugar. i say no. its shit. when common sense in introduced to stupidity it is a train wreck. he asked have i shared my views with anyone else. im already angry at this point. at the blatent stupidity and unwillingness to see common sense. at the attack of common sense with stupidity as a weapon. i said yeah i have. he asks, and what do they say about it? i ask him what does it matter what they say? so u can continue to follow the majority instead of thinking for urself? what do u say? hes basically is having trouble REALizing that people are full of shit. life (as we have tainted it) is full of shit. then he takes it back to us. cause thats all that matters to him. he says he shows interest becasue it means so much to me. and i mean so much to him. and he loves me thats why he wants to "make this work" despite our differences and blach blah blah blah balha ablah blah. geez...i tell him this is why we will not work. the way we see life is too different. he is not supporting my process. and hes like why are u judging me? i asks what do u mean i am judging u? he says u r punishing me by saying we are gonna give up on us because of this. i tell him, baby, i am not punishing u. i am deciding not to participate in dishonesty and honor life. life not fears. life not god. life not worry. life not shame. life not superiority. life not dishonesty. life not love. life. oh im the crazy bitch tonight :)....

its crazy cause he will never leave me. no matter how "crazy" i sound and act and talk about life. his mindfuck of love its so strong within him. he never really got it growing up. never found it within his exs who were equally as fucked up as him. his mind fuck of aquiring things and achieving shit and succeeding in what the fuck ever has also attributed to this "i cant be without her love". now i have created the falsehood of a realtionship by following suit to being within one myself. i never had a relationship before him. what the fuck was i doing falling into one in the first place? lots of dishonesty within me regarding this realtionship. adding on more as i go on and on within the relationship...... if i left him right now, this moment, i would be ass out. so my relationship is my way of currently assisting and supporting myself. attributing to this "i cant be without his love/money". i need a new fucking way...