"it may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. we are like eggs at present. and you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. we must be hatched or go bad. " -c.s. lewis

Saturday, October 16, 2010

picture perfect

so i was reading some blogs and came across one ov blaz' called sexual desires and pictures where he was talking about this picture he has in his head of the "perfect" woman. and that got me to thinking about my own perception of tje "perfect" man. i have always desired white men. i use to think of it as ' it is what it is. its what im attracted to'. i have questioned it before. looked back. saw that i was raised around mostly all black people and things black people related until i decided i had two feet and a mind of my own and went to explore what i always wanted to anyway. which was the way others are living. when i discoverd rock music was like when i discovered masturbation. i felt like i had gotten a 'one up' in life. it made me comfortable. it understood me. i liked it so much. it was like a secret i had. though my whole family knew what i was discovering and experiencing. 'white music' it was refered to alot back in the day in my home. i remember always being attracted to white boys though. 4th grade or so i have my first memories of "likeing" white boys. every boy that i have had sex with so far has been white. i met this black guy once that i was attracted to. he wanted to fuck right away but i held back. he wasnt pushy. i let him go down on me. but his god issues kept me from experiencing him fully. black men are always hitting on me. well use to. im exhibiting some differnt energy nowadays. not as many men hit on me at all anymore. which im cool with. before i use to always tell them, 'sorry. i only fuck with white guys'. i mean, it was what it was and i didnt want to hide the fact that that was what was going on. got into many an arguments with black men. i have been called a traiter to my race before. first day of school when i transfered colleges i got into it with an boy who was half arab half black. i told him i only dated white boys. that did not sit well with him. wasnt the first time i was in an oral confrontation because i voiced my desire for white men only. the first kiss i had was with a black boy. first first kiss was when i was young. we use to hang out at this building that had the radio station our families would broadcast on. raggae music. spoken word. singing. i remember being on stage and playing house wrapped up inside one of the curtains. i was playing with this boy as my husband. he was "leaving for work" and wanted a kiss goodbye. i was like 7 or 8. 9 at the oldest. that was my first kiss. second was with a black boy. i was 12 or 13. my sisters boyfirends cousin. in the rain. very "sweet". found him kissing another girl the next day at the park. this i felt SHOULD bother me a ton. but it didnt. after that it was white boys only. its not like i made a switch. i remember writing ( i use to write a ton. none stop inmy journal. i needed to do it like breathing back in the day ) and finally just admitting to myself that i really did like white boys. i just did. fought with it a bit. my dad wasnt okay with it at first. and i was still a virgin. i remember he was taking me to the airport and we stopped at a gas station and while he was inside i changed the radio from raggae to some rock. listened while he was inside. then when he came back as he was getting into the car i changed it back. he got so pissed yelled at me it was 'fucking rock music' this ' fucking white music' that. i remember thinking, 'wow. how fucking ignorant' and u know what, that gave me fuel for my "fuck u i fuck with white boys" attitude. huh... so maybe the inner rebel in me likes the idea of being different and going against......that doesnt really seem like so though. i ran with the thought. but it doesnt fit. i think i just accepted this idea that white boys are something that black boys are not. i cant honestly point any stigmas i have towards black men. but there has to be something. some reason why i go for white men as a pre requisite..ok i know my desires are bullshit. personality based. self interesed. mind based. so maybe its just more bullshit. just another desire i need to let go of. stop the expectations. stop the requirements. stop the bullshit. and simply experience.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks Tree for sharing this! It will be interesting to expose all the details of your secret mind regarding your sexual preferences to white males. Write down every detail of your thoughts, feeling and emotions when you look at the black and white man bodies. This will help you to become aware of subconscious patterns to gain full control of your life.