"it may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. we are like eggs at present. and you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. we must be hatched or go bad. " -c.s. lewis

Saturday, October 16, 2010


so i got chaka back in may. i had one dog inthe past named fluffy. i dont remember where i got her from. she was sprobably a stray i convinced my mother to let me keep. me and fluffy had some good times. i dont remember exavtly how old i was. but i wasnt ready for a dog. i was young. didnt have money to get her shots. but i wanted her. so my mother allowed me to do whatever with the dog. she would get out and i wouldnt be able to find her for a day or so. turns out the younger boys down the street were taking her in when she would get out. their father would find fluffy in his house often. one day fluffy and i were in the front yard and she was standing up on the flower bed. shed started dry heaving then throwing up then throwing up blood then she keeled over and died. i later found out she had parvo. this death didnt affect me that much. i still felt her presence around a bit. i felt that with the parvo, she kinda had to go. i dont remember being pissed i couldnt afford her shots. i kinda remember feeling like, 'hey shes like me. never had any vaccination shots either'. i was ok with taking that "risk" not getting my dog her shots. so then i got chaka. it was around the time where my ex and i were shitty and on our way out. i really wanted a dog. for a while. hadnt had one since fluffy when i was hella young. my ex didnt want me to get a dog. told me no i couldnt have one. when i decided, 'hey this is shitty anyway. we are about to be done because of the bullshit. i am getting a dog.' so i looked online. sites like craigslist. ended up finding chaka on oodle.com. i looked through tons of ads. i wanted a dog that was a smaller breed of dog. but really criteria was cutipie-ocity. i looked at some pictures and found one of chaka and her brother. she was only 8 weeks or so when i got her. i knew she was the one i was going to get when i saw the picture. she was advertised as a crestoxie. i had never heard of that breed of dog before so i looked it up. turns out it is a mix between dashunds (weiner dogs) and chinese cresteds (the usually win the 'ugliest dog in the world contest' every year). another breed we made up. when i contacted the woman turns out she was 2 hours or so away from me. i was definite with my ex about the dog. so definite that it wasnt so much of a fight when i told him i was going to get her. i packed up and left to go get her. it was farther than i thought it would be and i got lost. i was back in the sticks somewhere with no service and no clue where i was. i realised i was gonna have to stop and ask someone for directions or a phone. i drove and saw an older woman hoeing a garden across the street from a house. i pulled over telling her my phone wasnt working and i was lost. she sent me across the street where her daughter allowed me to use the phone. i called the woman that had chaka and she got me turned in the right direction. i was almost to where i needed to get chaka and there were some kids in a pick up in front of me. they tried to make a sudden turn to the left and i smashed right into them like a t bone. i was very surprised at the accident. when we crashed i stopped. looked at the driver of teh other car. the driver looked at me. then looked at his two teenage passengers. then quickly made a b line for the dirt road. i wasnt about to chase them down. so i went on my way. got to chaka. she was covered in shit from having to wait and being nervous. i didnt mind. we got on the road to go home and nearly made it there before the car conked out. the accident had fucked something up in it and in my trying to get home quickly without stopping to let the car rest, i overheated the car. boy was my ex pissed he had to come get me and his car and this dog that he didnt want. and really its not that he didnt want the dog. he just didnt want me to have the dog. he really is fond of dogs in general. but i got chaka. few weeks after that we broke up. chaka and i moved in with my brother and his girlfriend. they didnt/ dont mind chaka at all. they have two dogs. a doberman and a pitbull. both get along great with chaka. having chaka around has taught me so much. is teaching me so much. she really helps to manifest my impatientness and my anger. so i actually see it infront of me. there are times where i am being unreasonable and she will look at me like ' seriously stop it. ' we are getting out communication down. i am having some trouble though. i want to not be controlling over her or impose myself and my bullshit onto her. i dont want to treat her a certain way because its how the world thinks we should treat dogs. i want to let her live and express herself without stifiling her all the time like i see people do with their pets. its all ' be quiet!' ' sit down!' ' be nice!' ' time to eat now!' my brother and his girlfriend say i must be the master and her the slave or dog as they put it. i must teach her how to act and how to behave. i must teach her to respect me using the reward punishment method. they say thats how dogs learn everything. she learns to not potty in the house by getting in trouble when she does and getting praise when she goes outside. they say i must regulate her food because shes a dog. i, myself, dont like being forced to eat. i eat when i am hungry. thats it. i enjoy that about not being under a parental thumb in the when to eat aspect anymore. sometimes im hungry once a day. sometimes through out the day. it depends. so i dont like the whole ' u eat now when i say' thing. i wouldnt like that to be done to me. forced to eat. so i kinda let her eat when she wants. well actually its a battle going on cause i dont really know how to support chaka in her process fully at the moment. i want to let her be without so much dictatorship. i am trying to find the way to support her as she supports me. cause she really supports me a lot. my brother and his girlfriend. when they feed their dogs they, wait first off their dogs act like they never eat. i dont know what that is about. they eat twice a day. but always act like they are starving. they had them on a diet for a while because the vet said they were fat...but when they feed them they make them sit by their bowls and wait. then when the food is in the bowl they have to sit and wait for the green light go ahead. so they sit salavating until whoever is feeding them says okay go ahead. then they devour the food without even tasting it im sure. ibe been going out of town a lot lately so they do the same thing with chaka when i am gone. they say she eats all her food right then and there. mostly because if she doesnt the other dogs will eat her shit. then when i am around i feed her and i feel like i have to do the whole oopla with the 'sit. dont touch it til i say. master/slave' thing. but it never feels right. i wouldnt want it done to me. so i give chaka her food. i make her sit while im pouring it in her bowl. then i let her go if she wants to eat then thats fine. if she wants to eat it later thats fine too. i try not to care when she eats it. and its funny cause if i am hanging out downsstairs when its time for her to eat and i give her her food upstairs she waits til i come up sometimes to even eat. like she wants me to watch her eat. or she will come hang out downstairs and go up to eat when she wants. i think she knows the freedom of eating upstairs versus downstairs with the other dogs. she knows she can leave it and it still be there. i am trying to do what is best for her. my brother and his girlfriend says routine and order is a must have with dogs. i must regulate all about her they say. they say i should get her "fixed". i definitely dont want to do that. i wouldnt want it done to me. but apparently its a must. its funny how we are a nation of " ..and dont forget to spay and neuter ur pets" but we as humans do the same thing with ourselves. we say that because there are so many unwanted pets out there while many of us are still making more. many of them die from brutality or "humanely" cause we arent taking care of the ones we have. so why make more. i get that. we all get that seeing as we are a nation of it as a motto. but we dont see the same thing happening with us. there are so many unwanted children out there while many of us are still making more. many of those children die from brutality cause we dont take care of what is here. why havent we implament some kinda spay and neuter for the problem with unwanted children? we want to say it must me done to the pets while we disregard our place in it all. so yeah i really dont want to "fix" her. i wouldnt want to be fixed. the "problem" with our animal population isnt an animal problem at all. its a human problem. we are the ones making these dogs and crossing these breeds and accepting and allowing the desire for the small ones and puppies and attaching stigma to the older dogs perpetuating the problem cause we dont see that we are the solution. not to spay and neuter ur pets. lots to experience with chaka ahead.

1 comment:

  1. "she really helps to manifest my impatientness and my anger" - I suggest researching how we actually use pets to separate us from our feelings and emotions. Especially dogs pick and copy our subconscious patterns and reflect out behaviour. But do we just ignore what they are trying to say to us, or do we stop, make any considerations and correct ourselves accordingly?