Thursday, September 30, 2010
so i have no clue what it is i am going to write about. but writing is needed. so here it goes. no judgement. right now i am sitting in bed. its about 1015am. i have been waking up early lately. i slept in once recently. gave my systems ample time to recharge, ugh. my dog, chaka, has been supporting me. since i got her really. she shows me myself. where my anger hides. my dishonesty between words and actions. the triggers. but she gets up early. i stay with my brother and his girlfriend since i broke up with bobby. and they have two dogs. my brothers girlfriend wakes up early and feeds their dogs before she goes to work. chaka is conditioned to wake when she hears movement of them downstairs. shes wants to eat when the other dogs do. and go out to use the yard. so wether im "tired" or not she gets me up. i end up staying up pretty late most nights. i am working on no more than 7 hours of sleep each night. no more. sometimes less. sometimes my body is like, yeah im rested lets get up. so im trying to listen to my body. even when it tell me "im tired". i have come to rest in tired. as an excuse for not simply moving. getting out of that though. i recall a time when i would sleep all day. just sleep. i dont recall how that affected me though. it was a time ago that i would do that. so sleep is a point i am attempting to face right now. going well. i dont do the 21 days til things. it doesnt seem practical for me. i dont get what 21 days mean when im working on an existence of change. i guess its a starting point. i am also working on the point of masturbation. i fucking love that energy. its addicting. and its crazy because i do not like what i have to do to get to the energy. the viewing of pictures and porn movies. the type of porn i watch is well, its something. and i suppose standing within what i do in those moments will allow me to open up more dishonesty about relationships and secret mind shit. i dont like what i view,but i do. if that makes any sense. i like how it makes me feel. i like the energy in the act of feeling that good. but i dont like what i view. either that or i dont like that i like what i view. deeper deception. i have gone a while without masturbating. but i think thats where i fuck myself,no pun intended :). the resistance i am putting toward the act of masturbating. its not the fact THAT i masturbate, its HOW i masturbate. and i really dont know how to do it any other way. i dont have the self intimacy that i should. i learned how to give myself these "feel good feelings" through masturbation with pictures from HBO lol. sure did. HBO taught me how to masturbate. i watched a show when i was young. about ten or 11. and they showed a woman doing it with the water from a sink or bathtub. i knew people masturbated but i never knew how. so i saw this woman do it. and i tried it. and i was like a young boy who had just found his cock. i did it all the time. whenever i could. at least once a day but that was on a slow day. we didnt have a lock on our bathroom at my house so i was caught a couple of times. once by my brother (im so having resistance writing this lol but i see it as funny. the resistance. so i push through ) so yeah im on the sink right, legs in the air, vagina placed perfectly under the sink fauset lol and my brother walks in. he rused out quickly and i said something about washing something off myself lmao. yeah right! i convinced myself that my lie was sufficient and proceeded. at this point i hadnt seen porn yet. only the occasional freaky movie. so i used the water method. but not all places had good water pressure so that didnt suffice for long once i began to grow up. i think the first porn i actually saw was gay porn. yeah. a gay friend of mine from highschool knew i had never seen any and so he let me borrow one of his. it was "hot" enough. but i had to learn how to stimulate myself without water. so i learned that if i just sat on something where the pressure was on the right spot as i watched porn, then that would do it. so i did. so i never learned to put hand to vagina and stiimulate self accordingly. i learned to take an outside source and stimulate self visually and the physical would follow. ass backwards. so now, my hand and vagina are not intimate. they never allowed themselves to be. so i need to experiement with self intimacy. with just me myself and my hand lol. after 27 years of other shit it is difficult to even fathom. i dont "get myself off" with my own hand. i need visual stimulation or another person. and thats shitty. which is why i have this point with masturbation to address. like i said i havent been watching porn. whenever i feel the urge to watch porn to get that addictive energy im so use to participating in i go on the forum or on youtube and find people who are dealing with the same shit and it makes me "feel better". makes me calm down. its a quick fix. yet not a permanante one. ryan and his videos help me out of that spot often. he deals with this shit also. so i am not alone. last time i was there i found kevins video. he was talking about his 21 day process of stopping alcohol, cigs, weed, and picture masturbation. he "fell" on the point of masturbation, but having him there. knowing he is dealing with it helps me stand. quick fix though. i need to be able to stand alone and stable within myself. a point i am dealing with. i will begin experiementation when it comes to self intimacy.