ideas, objects and LIFE -- self forgiveness

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value objects over life.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see our collective disregard of life.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that without the value, that is life, there is nothing else.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the word and meaning of value only exist from the lips of life.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dismiss the obvious needs of life and fix myself in an oblivious state.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value an idea in my head.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to move from the only value, that is life.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the value that i give an idea, in my head, is not real.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that, that which is real is here for all to see. it is not confined to my head like the value i give to ideas.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get swept away in the part and miss the whole.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the flag is a piece of fabric made from materials grown from the earth. that is it.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach a sense of entitlement and superiority to the flag. within this i disrespect life that is not held to any sense of entitlement, when we are ALL here.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how the idea of 'the flag' is used as a method of separation.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach myself mentally to a certain piece of fabric with certain colors or shapes on it.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold the flag as superior to life.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the respect that i give to the idea of importance in a piece of fabric is misplaced.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to self honestly define important.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to have a real self honest look at what it is i place value in.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to self honestly define necessity.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to work on self honesty in all moments.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that because i was born on a certain part of the planet that i am worthy of a dignified life.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that because some are born on certain parts of the planet that they are less worthy of the same dignified life i would want for myself.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think there is no way that all people can have the same dignified life that i would want for myself.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that we are separated by pieces of fabric here on this planet.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach myself mentally to a certain piece of land as my "home land". within this i disregard the fact that all land is connected as home on this one planet.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create mental barriers between myself and other beings.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself back.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my self expression.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to watch a moment pass by.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself think in my head instead of express within the physical with my mouth. thinking is not self expressive. its self deceptive. as i think in my head i am not here in the present fully aware and a full participant.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that it isnt a thought that produces but physical movement within participation here. in the physical. u cannot think oneness and equality into existence. it must be lived and expressed and not held back.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the importance of developing self trust to be able to move through any and all given moments with clarity.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that even if i may fall, i still must walk.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to express myself.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear expressing myself.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger. towards the disregard of life, but it was anger. from within anger as a starting point comes nothing good. period. self movement to stand up to the disregard of life must be from a place of self trust, stability and clarity. anger brings none of those things.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear friction. fear creating friction within a disagreement. fear of being unwilling to move self within the unwillingness of another to see what i am trying to express.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from another. like i have not displaying the same disregard towards life.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing an hesitant nature within myself when it comes to "what needs to be done".

i commit myself to not hold back my self expression.

i commit myself to move myself within all moments.

i commit myself to breathe when i sense myself existing as back chat and bring myself back to real. to here in the physical.

i commit myself to develop patience within my movement. stability within expression comes with patience.

i commit myself to not fear the destruction of an idea. as an idea, is not real.

i commit myself to stand up for life.

fighting season

fighting season

this is a term i am hearing around more and more on the radio and in news and the first time i heard it i was like, wtf do they mean "fighting season"?..

apparently the season of spring is also the season of fighting in afghanistan. as the winter snow melts and our accepted idea of comfort within weather is stroked by warm sun and cool wind-- the appetite for fighting grows. in afghanistan 'fighting season' is as common as the summer season here in the united states. where all know its summer and our activities change to more summer-y things. the afghan people know its fighting season and their activities change to more fighting season-y things.

being surrounded by war constant does something to people. it allows for war to be within and as who people are. people will display quick anger and fighting and fear when exposed to this type of environment as "what is". its the same thing that happens when one is surrounded by anything constantly. it makes that thing "normal". it gets people "use to" it. fighting animals was banned and seen as un-islamic by the taliban when they were in rule from 1996-2001. but as mindsets and movement gradually changed to that of constant poverty, starvation, stress, fighting, war and accepted superiority/inferiority, so did movement. so the afghan people began to accept these things as "what is". and then adults who were children when this "what is" was made "what is" know nothing but war. and their "who i am" grows from that starting point..

animal fighting is alive and well currently in afghanistan. such excitement is generated from these animal fights. and the animals who win are seen as heroes as the dead "loser" animals is seen as lame and inferior. so then ones movement changes to incorporate that which one is being presented with constantly. < that which was made "what is". and then there is still the separation we do to ourselves because there are many who oppose animal fighting, but those will get together to fight -not fly- their kites as a family. there is no fun in the flying, they say. the fun is experienced in the fighting...

what we surround ourselves with we allow to shape who we are. what are we surrounding ourselves with?

missed a day..

so, i missed a day. sunday. i started my blog 'life for rIFELes' on sunday but did not finish it until today.

this point of "starting my 21 days over" really isnt a big deal. and i mean that to say i have looked at my timekeeper and i see that there was time. i had a little time early in the day that i could have started my blog. i had an hour after work in which i could have moved myself to write my blog that i used to be on facebook reading blogs instead. but point stands that i was aware that i was going somewhere after work and there was the possibility that i would be gone the remainder of the day. and i did not move myself to, well move myself. so i know and see the reason why and where i "missed" a day in the movement i am committing myself to. but i see the movement of myself toward writing as breathing. so i move to keep it moving :)..

life for rIFLEs

i listen to npr often. i enjoy it. they talk about real shit.

ive been hearing lately about this story of a man that was contacted by a prosecutor from his hometown of guatemala with information that he was one of two survivors of a massacre in dos erres that went down many years ago during a civil war within guatemala. now, this made him, oscar, take a step back. as he considered himself having had a great life. his father had died in an accident when he was just 4 years old and he had never met his mother. he was raised by his grandmother and other relatives and he was raised to love and respect and honor his father. the soldier. however, oscar was not the son of a soldier. oscar was actual a kidnapping victim.

the man who oscar loved and revered as 'his father' was actually a "random" lieutenant in the government military. witihin guatemala there was civil war between the government and the guerrillas know as the fuerzas armadas rebeldes (FAR) or rebel armed forces. the dictator in guatemala, efrain rios montt, wanted the guerrillas found and killed. all of them. he had his men go to the small villages that were suspected of hiding the FAR.

after the guerrillas killed a group of government soliders and secured rifles (20 rifles i find our later with research), this was taken as a personal attack to the ego of the dictator. he set out to teach the guerrillas "a lesson" by way of the villagers he was sure were hiding them. he sent a team of skilled killers (these men were in charge of torturing and questioning prisoners and ultimately killing them, hands on killing). they were called the kaibiles, which means ':having the strength and astuteness of two tigers'. their motto is "if i advance, follow me; if i stop, urge me on; if i retreat, kill me."

the kaibiles set on the village in dos erres as they were informed by intelligence that the rifles that were taken were there. they went in dressed to the t as the FAR did. as to set up the blame, for whatever went down, to go towards the guerrillas. they stormed the village at about 2am... they kicked in the doors of all of the families and got them out of their homes. they searched for the rifles but found none. they then split the people up. women and children in the church. men in the school.

a young girl, about 12 years old, was grabbed up and taken a few steps away to a field and raped by lieutenant cesar adan rosales batres who was a very high ranking officer. in front of her family. and as the kaibiles motto states, "if i advance, follow me.." and so they did. the "lower ranking" men were given the go to do the same to any they saw. there were many rapes. all the women and girls were raped and then forced to cook meals and feed their abusers.

the first to die was a child. a baby. a soldier took the baby and threw the baby in a large well that was about 40 feet deep. the soldier did not want to do this. but as the kaibiles motton states, "if i stop, urge me on..." and so they did. the soldiers continued to throw children in to the well.

they began to bring people to the well a bit at a time. they would question them about the rifles and the location of the. the villages protested they knew nothing and cursed the men. they were hit on the head with a hammer and thrown into the well. many still alive. the soldier who was giving this account on npr was asked how many people does he think he brought to the well/to their death. he estimated around 15 people. they asked him, why? why did u continue to bring people to their doom knowing this was not the thing that should be being done. and he said if he had tried to protest, they would have killed them. as the kaibiles motto states, "if i retreat, kill me.." and they would have gladly.

after much time and many murders there were not many villagers left. the soldiers rounded up the women and children that were left. one pregnant, one with her child, two young boys.. the women, at this point, were beside themselves. having witness and been through what they had (rapes, beatings, watching family raped and killed). they scream to the soldiers that they are not animals and they know they are going to be killed and do not want to be taken into the woods to do so. they wanted it to be done right then and there. when the men started to get angry with the women and grab on them, the two boys ran in to the woods. the one crouched behind a tree trunk and sat quiet as they sent shots his way. they then rounded up the women and shot them all. they went to each of them and shot them to make sure they were dead. something they did not do for many within the path of this massacre which continued. they never did find any rifles...

by morning the children wandered back into the village. they were rounded up by the commanders. two young boys (and with research later it seems three young girls as well. they were raped and strangled.). both boys were of mixed race, lighter skin and eyes. one commander, the baker, decided to take the older boy. and the younger boy was taken by oscar's "father". oscar ovidio ramirez ramos. who he, subsequently, renamed oscar at three years old and brought him home to his family and introduced him as his son.

really interesting the way we follow.

follow thoughts..

follow feelings..

follow ideas..

follow others..

follow orders..

follow hearts..

follow directions..

follow fears..

^none of this shit is self. we dont consider that THAT is where the issue lies. that we are not ourselves currently. we have accepted and allowed this illusion of self, of life. all this shit we follow is NOT who we really are. all those soldiers that followed those orders to kill (and even those who enjoyed it) were not moving as themselves. they were moving as orders or fears or generational taught acceptance. many seeds are planted within children that manifest men like the kaibiles.

really interesting interview..

moving myself

so, since april 30th ive been doing this timeline thing where i keep track of what i do each day. just list form. i dont write down every minute detail of my day but the major things i do. the purpose of this is to get an idea of where exactly i allocate my time. i have stated to myself that the reason why i do not write everyday is because i do not have the time. well, in less than 21 days straight of doing this timeline i can clearly see that it is not time that i do not have. what i do not have is consistency and self movement. i have time. i have time to do whatever the fuck i want. the question is, what the fuck is that i am currently wanting to do. and i see that it hasnt been to move myself to write and express myself to assist myself and any others in this process we are all going through. it has been to make more money. and this is not to say that i work all day long. i do have three jobs and i work often however one of those jobs is as a nanny for my niece. this hardly feels like work ever. just something that needs to be done that i am doing. and also more family members are currently around to help out with my niece more often. so its not that i work all day long but my focus is on work and contracting events. i know that where i am currently living i cannot stay. i currently live with my sister in a two bedroom home. my niece is growing quickly and will need a place for herself here soon. and that place is the place that i am currently living in as it is my sister who owns this home. and i need to prepare to be able to assist and support myself when the time comes for my to be "out on my own" again. there is no rush and i am not being pushed out and the practicality for my to stay is currently here and seen by myself and my sister but i know what i will have to do here soon. and so i have been focused on making more money. that and keeping up with other people. many around me are having children or have children and i really enjoy children :) so i am spreading myself a bit trying to be "there for" and accessible to everyone around me. basically, i am pushing myself and my process to the side and its simply by my lack of self movement and self allocation. not a lack of time.

so, now that i see this and realize what it is that my participation, or lack there of, presents me with (the idea that i "dont have time". of which i accepted and allowed as truth. this idea is not.), i move myself to keep my timeline going where i write what i do each day to see the adjustmentsin the allocation of my time. i also make a commitment to myself to write each day. nothing specific. just self movement to not put process on a back burner. i will start with 21 days of this. and move to implement it as 'how i move myself' from that point of consistency.

consequences, emotion, realisations, self support, walking

its been a trying couple of days for myself. dealing with tons of shit and having to realise that being emotional and reacting within emotion actually does nothing. and this is a true statement though many may mention the "realease" that one feels after a good cry or after a fight feeling as though something we dealt with however that is not the practical way to deal with anything and what needs to be dealt with, within dealing this way, is actual disregarded in favor of doing something that makes self feel better. its actually unnecessary if one is walking constantly. being emotional when faced with hard times is kinda like a cop-out/ a 'woe is tree'/a give up. its like saying "i give up because i dont feel i can walk through this situation so instead i will sit here and be emotional about it". its kinda selfish really, getting emotional. and goes back to the beginning point i had to face through these trying couple of days. abdication of responsibility... hellboy died. when he first came into the house he was not "my fish". i didnt see him as "my fish". and in that 'hes not mine' mind i did not take full responsibility for him. though i could see that responsibility was needed with him, because i had not made him "mine" in my head (mind fuckery) yet. i did not walk within responsibility for this being because this being was not "mine". this is a big point within our world i realised. there are many things we need to take collective responsibility for in which we do not because we see these things as not "my problem". so all these things that we see as not "my problem" (the starvation of someone else or someone elses children, the rape of someone else or someone elses children, the abuse of someone else or someone elses children, war, etc..) have consequences if they are not dealt with practically. hence, the world. we dont feel we should or even that we can take responsibility for them. because we have not mentally attached the problem to ourselves. which is a mind fuck because wether we mentally attach the problem to ourselves or not, we are still the constant. our collective abdication of responsibility in the world is a direct reflection of the abdication of responsibility within each one of us. so because of my abdication of responsibility for hellboy, i did not deal with the cleaning of his little tank at first. i would feed him, but not take full responsibility for him as a whole. by the time i actually mentally decided to make him "mine" the consequences of by abdication of responsibility were already on their way within the physical (which moves and continues its support without goodness, badness, or judgement--so supportive, the physical. blog to come on how supportive the physical just being the physical is). all those weeks of not taking responsibility for his tank water and researching how to properly take care of a beta fish were still here even though i had recently considered my responsibility through the mental connection of "mine". there is no escaping responsibility. so in the morning i went to feed hellboy and he had this gray film all over his body and he was moving sluggish. his water was clear and clean but he looked terrible. i took him out of the water and called the pet store. i told them what was going on and they asked if his tank was clean. to which i said yes. they informed me that if you put food in a beta tank and the fish does not eat the food within 5 minutes we should take the food out of the tank because the food grows bacteria and its deposited within the water and the fish is constantly in the water so the bacteria is deposited within the fish. this physically manifest fungus on the fish. she said they sell drops that u can add to the water to help the fish. i called my sister and told her hellboy wasnt doing very good and needed this drops to help him. she said she would take me to get them when she got off work as i was watching my niece at home. throughout the day he got worst and worst til he took his last breath. by the time the fungus manifested physically it was too late. the consequences for my abdication of responsibility for this life was already here......

right after hellboy died (before i had a look at myself within it) my little sister called and told me that she joined the army. i did not take this well. knowing that my sister does not like war or superiority or authority or being made to feel inferior i knew that this was about money. and i called her out on that. she says money is not the main reason and spouted out some shit that was spouted out to her from a recruiter about security and setting up life for her and her future children. i told her was is fucking ignorant and that she has many other options but shes taking this "easy" route because of the money they are promising her and shes not considering that she could be sent to fight and die. she says she could die right now. yes, but that does not mean u should go play in traffic. looking at this in relation to myself i see that i recall when i was approached with the "opportunity" to join the army. my roomate and i at the time wasnt making much money at our amazon.com factor job so we were about to join the army. the recruiter made promises and said what he could do for me and my life. i had just found desteni and jack and was at a pretty crazy place in my process but ultimately i could not do something like that for money... my sister wanted to end the conversation with the manipulative 'i love u?' to which i did not want to sugar coat reality with that emotional goodbye. after ten minutes of overwhelming tears i had to look at myself within this all. i was actually disappointed with my sister. disappointed that she was taking what is seen as an "easy way" in life, instead of facing her laziness and fear of survival. i realised i was judging her (in relation to what i did and apparent made the idea in my head that its the same thing she should have done) instead of supporting her. and supporting her did not necessarily mean saying "great! u joined the army, ur going to get money. thats awesome ur doing something with ur life". i was just telling her how bullshit the decision was and how i was not going to support it. not realising i can support the sister without supporting the decision. and this is something i have to realise in relation to my facebook which i have been accepting and allowing to get to me. half my facebook is destonians or the awakening which is fucking awesome. the links they post, comments, likes-- its all supportive. and then half my facebook is fuckery which fucking suks. the links, comments and likes these people post are straight fucking bullshit. and i have to see myself within this as well. i was a fuckery supporter for many many many many years. so even if these fuckers are showing me what i myself supported for so long they are showing me something in relation to myself and the oneness that is all of us. and i can support the fuckers without supporting the fuckery.

then i come home from orientation at my new job, third job (ba, nanny, *factory work), to find out my brother and sister(brothers gf) broke up. the brother and sister that just had a baby together four months ago. he told me he cheated on her. i told him he was on some complete fucking bullshit. he says he knows and he didnt mean for it to happen or to hurt her. our world is paved with "good intentions"... anyway i asked him if he was going to fight for her. he said he doesnt deserve to have her and he doesnt expect her to forgive him. i mentioned that my ex was not willing to deal with our bullshit with me either. and as he could see we are not partners anymore. i left to go and get my car title and tags and when i got back he had already moved out. ugh, now this was something i definitely had to bring back to myself. i have only had one boyfriend in my 28 years. my ex. and i did not cheat on him. but if uve read my blog u know that i have been apart of others cheating before. which,in actuality, means that i have assisted and supported and accepted and allowed cheating. which is, ive realised, unacceptable in any form. its grown from lies, deception, abdication of responsibility and disrespect of another person. all of which are at the forefront of much fuckery and bullshit in our world as a whole. within participating with cheating, whether its my cheating or anothers cheating, we accept and allow cheating to exist in the world. and i am aware that within a competition capitalistic based society someone will always want to cheat, compete and capitalize on another. more the reason why the implementation of another system that does not support this shit should be investigated. because our current system REQUIRES bullshit. u cannot NOT participate within the bullshit because its sprinkled all through our current system. an equal money system would support us to realise ourselves as equal to life. and realise the only thing that has value here is life. so we can weed out all this bullshit that is not supportive to us/the world at all.

and i continue to walk..

roscoe, pets and george

walking downstairs this morning i noticed a ladybug at the top of the stairs. it wasnt moving so i went to pick it up on this piece of plastic and check it out. he started moving so i knew he was alive and i went to take him out the front door. on the way to the front door i noticed he was having trouble moving. i got outside the door and i went to put it in the bush but, well i just didnt lol. i brought him back in and told my sister i thought its legs were fucked up cause it was having trouble walking. i walked upstairs with it then walked downstairs and out the door again then back inside. i told my sister i was going to do some research on ladybugs before i put it outside. so i came in and placed it on my aloe plant and went online. i found out that there are over 5000 different species of ladybug and 400 here in north america. they are omnivores which mean they can eat asphids (other bugs found on plants) or damp rasins :). i read, to give it water one should we a paper towel to damp but not dripping so the ladybug can drink from it. so i immediately went to do that. i placed the small starter piece of paper towel near him on my aloe plant. he was already touching it when i came back to check on him. i moved it a little bit away to see if he was actually drinking from it and he promptly moved back to where he was touching it. so i realised he WAS drinking from it. they live 1-3 years depending on the conditions. the male and female ladybugs both have spots and u cant really tell the sex visually unless u compare tons of ladybugs because females are usually larger. my sister heard somewhere that all females are spotless so instead of resting in what was heard we looked it up. this was a 16 spotted beetle. ladybugs are sometimes kept during the winter and released in the spring time. its best to release a ladybug u find inside during months when the weather is warm so it has time to find a place to hibernate for the winter. yes! ladybugs hibernate like bears. and since its cold out right now and could snow any day i realised this ladybug probably wont find a place to get snug so i decided to have it as a guest and named him roscoe :). just a name that came to me. i checked to make sure i wasnt connecting him to any other past memories or anything and saw clarity. so, roscoe is here for as long as he is here. the plan is to keep him until the spring and then let him go. i am not sure if hes a boy or girl but ladybugs wont lay eggs if they are hibernating inside a home. even if they did, he is still welcome here.


























i needed to go to the pet store to pick up some things. i have three pets right now ( or they have me :)..four in u include roscoe. ganja is my snake. shes a ball python. i have had ganja for about 5 or 6 years now. she belonged to a friend of mine who bought her when she was really small. i would go see her at his place or hed bring her when he came to visit but the land lady at his place did not want them to have a snake. so he asked if i wanted her. i did! i was really into snakes for some reason and i really liked/thought it was kinda cool that i was totally afraid of birds (at that time) but loved snakes. fucking silliness... so i got ganja. at the pet store i got ganja mice. two large. there were some mice mommas in there nursing their tiny little hairless mice babies. i asked the guy who was helping me,nick, when do they take the mice away from the mother to be sold as feeders. he said they actually sell them now. i said, really? i was kinda sad about it. ya know, babies being ripped away from the parents so young. i mean, fuck these little mice babies couldnt even walk. nick says, well what are u feeding? i said a ball python snake. he says well consider that small snakes, baby snakes, have to eat too. i was like, damn, ur right about that. its all about context. it is NOT the same as us ripping baby elephants from their parents to abuse them and make them do stupid ass tricks for our amusement. and one must be careful to not create ideas in which to refer to later. careful that realisations do not become twisted ideas and future assumptions. that is not living. that is not here. that is the mind creating and directing. i realised that i had saw the video on elephants and ringling brothers and actually created this idea about babies and parents and forgot about practicality and oneness within it all as the bottom line. so that was cool to realise.


























chaka is my dog. my buddy. my pal :). shes so cool. i got her when i was breaking up with my ex. he never wanted me to have a dog and i knew things were fucked and fucking us both and i was about to leave anyway (which i did) so i got chaka :). i found her online on a site similar to craigslist. a woman two hours away had chaka and her brother. i drove to get her, got into a hit and run car accident, car broken down on the way back ( my boyfriend at the times car). but chaka and i were fine. and we were together. at the pet store i got a chew toy for chaka. a small toy that looks like a tire that you can place peanut butter into. she digs it.


hellboy is my beta fish. my sister was in town for a couple months and brought him over from my aunts place. my aunt got it for my cousins but they had no interest in it. it had all the componets with it: a small plastic "fish tank", a net, food, plants (fake ones).. all of which he did not seem to enjoy at all. he was trying to swim around but putting one fake plant in there took up so much room. i asked my sister if she didnt mind me taking him when i moved out. my brother named him 'cherry g' when he first came but i saw him as and named him hellboy for his bright colors. my sister said she didnt mind if i took him so i am. she was looking at the fish tanks when i was getting mice and called me over mentioning it may be cool to get hellboy a live plant for his tank and also said that i could use one of the old vases in the kitchen to give him more room. so i chose the red melon plant. the color of the center leave resembled hellboys color.

























we walked down the isle looking at all the fish. i would sometimes say "hello fish" and tap on the glass. we were talking a couple of days ago about the echo through the water of a fish tank if u tap on it but we didnt have a clear answer. one of the guys was filling a tank and i asked him if the fish hear a loud echo when we tap on the glass. he said yes they do and its actually very loud and uncomfortable for the fish. that the sound travels in the water and fucks with the fish. in not a cool way at all. i asked him, why do we not talk about this? he said, well u didnt ask me. -- and i want to mention that for a split second (really a split second) i got a little pissy. i thought " damn that was a pissy ass response." but i quickly got the fuck out of my head and back there in the isle with him and realised his answer wasnt pissy at all. it was actual. i asked him why we didnt talk about this and many people assume we means u and me only. so thats the response he gave. we (he and i) didnt talk about it before because i did not ask him. so when i realised that i knew that if i put a bit of emphasis on the WE he would broaden the part to the whole. -- i said, no, why dont WE talk about this. he said, u know what i am not sure. and he said how he thinks that is the problem with society. we dont talk or want to talk about many things. i agreed of course. we talked about people limiting themselves and not being able to see themselves in another. he said he has kids and they are the reason he wants to be more open and honest because.. and he was having trouble getting it out. so i said, this is not the world u want reflected in ur childrens eyes. he says exactly. we talked for a while in the isle, he my sister and i. and its funny to watch the physical. its so fucking supportive for self awareness and being HERE. because when i first started talking to him he wasnt mean at all but his body was really stiff. and it showed. as we talked his muscles loosened up and he was just there with us. his name is george. he is the manager at the pet store. cool guy. shook my hand and asked if we'd come in to chat again. which i totally will.

halloween - hollow we

so im not into halloween anymore lol. and i really have to laugh out loud at this process ive gone through with halloween. growing up we did not celebrate halloween. it was looked at as a pagan holiday and my family, as rastafarians, seperated ourselves from those we considered pagan or wicked. so, no halloween growing up. i was interested in it. i would not have minded some candy like the other kids but it wasnt something that was pressing to me or something i felt very left out with. i did look at the..well i guess the word is ridiculousness. i did look at what i saw as ridiculousness of the holiday at a young age. the dressing up as things and going to random houses to ask for candy, the picking of pumpkins and carving them into faces. i always thought people HAD to do something else with them besides the carving. ( we, as a society, waste so much food then we cry about how we all "care" about starvation ). i thought it was all pretty wierd, but i did want to be apart of it. the first time i dressed up i was with my grandmother. my fathers mother. she is a baptist and did not agree with many of the decisions my parents made regarding us and saw them as complete silliness.. our dreadlocked hair, our not getting of immunizations or vaccines, our rastafarian ways, etc.. so to me she felt like she was introducing me to some side i was missing out on by letting me dress up as a witch and trick or treat at the mall. it wasnt very much fun in actuality. so i didnt really deal with halloween for a while. then i grew up and halloween became about something else entirely...
it was no longer about dressing up in a costume and going out to get candy. no, in college halloween became about dressing up as cute/sexy/slutty a girl could be in her costume and going out to get drunk as fuck. ive been my share of slutty [insert noun here]. slutty referee, slutty brick house, slutty queen of hearts, slutty cow girl, slutty hippie. this is the portrayal of halloween for young girls now. every costume a celebrity wears or is shown in the media is a slutty this or that. people already have no clue what it is we are REALLY ACTUALLY celebrating within ANY given holiday. now halloween has been so sexed up and energy infused, the bottom line that we celebrate bullshit is not seen. and we continue to be bullshit generators..... within starting this process of facing and realising myself both as i accept and allow myself to be and as i really honestly am -as life-, i decided to make a point to face my fears. fears are a form of accepted limitation. and thats really all fears do. limit self from self directing within action. some people say that fears are protection from bad situations. to keep self alert or always in protection of self. well, that is a fucked up way to be. thats not living at all. thats resting in the experince and self created comfort of fear. i would suggest to be HERE and aware in every moment instead of being directed by fear. an example i had with a friend of mine: i was driving the car and she was in the passengers seat. her bottle of water fell from her hand and rolled under the pedal of the breaks. she accesses memories and ideas from the past, stories she had seen or heard of people dying in horrible car wrecks for this reason or that reason and fear kicks in. shes all "omg tree the bottle the bottle! its under the pedal!". i say to her," breathe. relax. and reach down there and pick it up." she did and i told her in any given situation either we let something else direct us, like fear towards panic and self limitation, or we direct ourselves to do what needs to be done. i told her if i too would have let fear direct me when the bottle rolled under there we would have easily been in a car accident. and the fucked up part is we would have blamed the bottle! lol. to this day she says she keeps that realisation we had in the car that day with her and uses it within situations of being directed by fear or by self. so within the process of self REAL-EYESation, i make a point to face and delete my fears. halloween, after the slut factor, became about the haunted houses and generating the energy from fear. it was about finding the best scarriest ones possible. and i had enjoyed that fear. id go to a haunted house with an arm to squeeze throughout the whole thing. i would have my eyes closed a lot but the energy excites and intices. upon seeing the bullshit that is fears, i wanted to test myself. i went with my boyfriend at the time to a haunted house that was really far away. this place was known to be the scarriest because the people are allowed to touch u and grab u. which at a typical haunted house is not allowed. so i thought this place would be great. there were clowns everywhere. that was a big fear of mine. --and really its interesting now that i do not accpet and allow myself to harbor fears because when i was afraid of these things ( clowns, feet, birds, the dark, haunted houses..) its like i was proud of my roster of fears. like, hello! my name is tree and theeeeeese are my FEARS! it was like a tada! these are them!. and many people have this relationship with their fears. they fucking love them. they list them. they share them. they stand by them. they are okay with them. no one ever thinks to face the shit.-- so clowns was a big fear. walking through this place was so different than any experience i had ever had at a haunted house. i was use to making it this big thing in my head. getting ready for fear, anticipating it, wanting it, wanting it to take me. that was no more. so i walked around this place and looked at people dressed up in clown costumes and they didnt look at animated as i was use to making them in my head or as " oh my goodness this MAY actually be a murdering clown in front of me". they were just people in make up and costumes. it was a eye opening experience for myself to step back, collect self and walk into this sittuation i had been in many and many of times before, for the first time. :).
so nowadays i have friends that want me to do this and that for halloween. would rather push the norm than see the truth about our holidays and celebratory ignorance. but im so not into halloween anymore lol. the getting candy, the dressing up, the fear factor, the disregard. i dont know if we will celebrate any holidays in an equal money system. at least im sure not the ones we do now. im all for letting all this bullshit go. halloween is a hollow time for me. i see hollowness everywhere.

halloween - hollow we.

self forgiveness

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel wronged.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel right.
i forgive mysefl for not accepting and allowing myself to see me in every situation.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see me in every moment.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see me in every word spoken from anothers lips.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from another.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing within myself judgements of racist peoople.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that all is learned.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that blame is useless.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that all are to "blame".
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the emotions of a victim.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that i am not only the victim, but the abuser in turn.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from mason and how they act.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that masons are simply another group of people existing in a mind fuck of superiority.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see myself within the masons.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to keep in mind that all are in processs wether they know it or not.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the process of another.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my own process.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that my ex will not change.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that in thinking my exd will not change is actually me thinking i will not change.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see all sides one moment, but only mine another.
i forgive myself fot not accepting and allowing consistancy within myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the process of others.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own process.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to change another.
i forgive myself for not accpeting and allowing myself to see the desire to change another is the desire to change myself.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the desire to do something doesnt get something done.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that to get something done, i must simply DO it.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that hoping and desiring is not movement.
i forgive myself for nto accepting and allowing myself to see that hope doesnt get something done.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that hoping something will happen or hoping something will change is the same as believe in miracles.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that magic things dont just happen.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use hope and wishes to fix how people relate to one another.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself though the same shit over and over.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see what i was trying to show myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the personality of 'tree. the girl who doesnt do relationships' 'tree. the black girl who likes white boys' 'tree. the girl know it all''tree. the girl u cant tell nothing to' 'tree. little mrs. defensive' 'tree. little mrs. cantbewrong' 'tree. mrs. fix it' 'tree. the rebel girl' 'tree. goes against the grain'.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create these other people to which i could hop into the persona of.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say my ex did "this" to me or "that" to me. not realising in every moment consistantly that i am the controller of that which i experience within me.
i forgive myself fot accepting and allowing myself to blame my ex.
i forgive myelf for not accepting and allowing myself to see that in shooting blame to my ex, it is actually me who i blame.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myelf to see in every moment consistantly that what i see in others, what i view of the world are all reflections of me.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see in every moment that all i see in another, experience from another is that which i see and experience from me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow someone to use my process to hurt me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear of being seen as insane.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear of being called insane.
i forgive myself for accpeting and allowing fear of being an outcast. no seeing that i already was an outcast. that we are all outcast. sitting on the outside of real life.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see in every moment consistantly that since i have realised my process i have made changes that matter to the world as a whole.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see in every moment consistantly that i am the change. so change will not come from anywhere but right here.


do not wait for forgiveness. give it to urself. move the fuck on.