the write reasons..

i got things ready all yesterday. packed for a little over a week for the trip im currently taking to california with my sister and niece. got things around the house ready to come back to. sat down to write my blog for the day and it really felt forced. i have seen this "forced" "rushed" point before within my writing of myself. looking at the timekeeper ive noticed it seems i wait until the end of the days time to write my blog. so i see, that is something i physically do to produce this experience of "rushed" that i get sometimes when i write. the waiting or impractical allocation of my time. looking at myself i see that i am getting to know self movement. real, self honest self movement. its not something i (or we in general..) am use to looking at honestly. and how to do it "best" is something that i am walking and testing and figuring out as i discern the manipulation and lies within how i am use to moving myself.

i first started to write about hair. my hair/black hair/hair in general. which i found i had more to say and dig into then time i alloted myself to write my blog for the day. though i already see the point of impractical time allocation.. so the writing began to reflect my ideas of "tons to write but i dont have time". and by that point,i didnt have time. i had time. earlier. which i used to do things other than write my blog. and ended up trying to squeeze in some self expression when its simply supposed to be flowing out as self expression.

then, when i saw that writing about hair would require more time then i had before i had to go to work and the day would be done, i tried to change it up. the initial point to address was hair. but i tried to change that to talking about the stuff we rub on our lemons and fruit to make them more visually appealing. the fruit rub was something that i was interested in seeing the purpose of within our world but it was not what i wanted to moving myself to write about. this "settling" i tried to do within my self expression felt like shit trying to come out through my writing lol. it sounded, well dumb. not real. fake. forced.

so, shitty starting point (rushing, force, focus on some idea of what it means to write or what writing should entail instead of the movement of myself within writing, moving myself for others instead of for the betterment of self as ALL as life.. ) = shitty results (the self creation of feelings of inability and confusion and stagnation within my movement..)

questions to consider before moving myself to write-- why are u writing?... any expectations/hopes of something to produce through ur writing?... any fears within ur self movement?... are u writing to move urself to realization through digging or are u writing to be read?...

POINTS TO ADDRESS

fear of writing a "shitty" blog..

desire to please whomever may be reading my blog..

fear of "naked writing"..

fear of "looking stupid" with my words..

purpose..

^self forgiveness to come..

hi. my name is manipulation.

i shared this^ image today on my facebook. ive shared it before. but its still true. so i shared it again. been thinking of it in relation to the reasons why we do the things we do. big things. little things. considering the starting points behind why we move ourselves the way we move ourselves. why i move myself the way i move myself. and ive realized that we ARE, in fact, a sad lot indeed.

we REALLY fucking do collectively move ourselves in this matter. in general but especially within religion. and i know many who have crafted who they are based on our ancestry ideas of gods that have turned into the idea of this one god or that one god will have a hard time looking at this point within themselves. but all religions push the point of do what i say (or my book says..) and u will be in my favor. i will love u. good things will happen to u. u will live forever after u die. and if u do not do what i say (or go against my book..) u will not be in my favor. i will be upset with u. bad things will happen to u. u will suffer for eternity when i get my hands on u. even if it is not a "god" there is always a attracting this to u and a deflecting this from u if u do this or that. this is at the core of religion. doesnt matter if we'd rather focus on the idea of love we manifest within us for this idea of a god that is "all loving" "underneath it all" and "in control" of what is unfolding here. doesnt matter if we'd rather create ideas of miracles all the while looking past the degradation of life going on here as a whole. what is still is. and this is of religion. all the while we are worried about this and that within religion we are missing the possibility of simplicity and joy within collective common sense movement here.

i was flipping through television today and found nothing i wanted to watch so i turned the tv off. but as i was turning it off i saw that 'my name is earl' was coming on. i turned the tv back on and watched the beginning. the "intro" to each episode is of earl telling the story of how he started doing what he was doing. he says he we use to being a "bad" guy. he would steal, cheat, fuck people over. he didnt give a shit. he just went through life doing what he had to do to do what he wanted to do. then one day he gets a scratch off and wins a ton of money but then is immediately hit by a car as he wanders into the street in excitement. so he losses the money. because hes half dead. then he decides that this is karma (god) kicking his as (punishing) him for all the "bad" he has done in his life. so he makes a list of all the "bad" things he has ever done and sets out to "make up" for each one to clear his karma (so that "good" can happen to him. because thats how "good" always happens). this really is a sneaky little religious show wrapped in a funny lil package im seeing haha. and then the mantra "do good things, good things happen. do bad things, bad things happen", which is repeated in the show. this is something that is pounded into our heads in various ways around the world. there are many that want us to believe this lie. that this is how the world we all live in is. it is not. many who do "bad" things are reaping tons of "good" rewards. its the reason they move they way they do within those "bad" things they do. and then we like to take that to the idea that ultimately it is god who looks at what a person is doing or has done in the world really. < REALLY, there is no self responsibility within resting in that. no acknowledgement and accountability for our movement here. we are given a back door for much bullshit and ways to stay in the same cycle within our idea of religion.

that which we all require, as life, is the same. dignity. within that common sense is required. food, clean water, shelter. for all. a world that values life. < period. where we assist ourselves in dropping all the self limitations and fears we have built us as "who we are" for so long with the implementation of self honesty within all movement in our collective system.

a chat -- recognition

so i was having a chat with my friend. he was talking about how he wanted his life to be different. he stated that he wanted to be recognized publicly for something "good". in the past he had worked on projects that he considers "good" or considers a contribution to society. in the medical field on a project that distributed organs to people who needed it, on fortune 1,2,3 hundred company projects managing large groups of people. various actions he considers "worthy" of attention from the public. and within those projects he received no recognition. and if he did received recognition it wasnt "big" enough for him to consider it public enough. or "good" enough.

currently what he is doing is expanding a business he considers a nothing contribution to the world. he feels its just something that he has ended up doing and since he cannot turn it into something he is "proud" of, he strives to turn it into something widely lucrative. so if he cannot be doing something "good" to which he would receive recognition, of which he "requires" to "feel good" about what he is doing, he has settled for doing something that will make him more money.

its interesting because there was a lot we talked about within this point of him needing recognition. going back to the attention that was received, or in his case not received from his parents. which was pointed out as something that this point of needing public recognition stems from. i talked about how the point of movement should not be dictated or judged by how many people saw or talked about or recognized u doing it. that 'that which needs to be done', needs to be done. and being recognized is not a necessity of life. its a necessity of the mind. its something that makes us feel "good" but we dont consider that the simple act of doing 'that which needs to be done' should be enough in and of itself. the value in the simple movement that is best for all life is missed in favor of stroking the ego through the mental "need" to be recognized. i mentioned that a lot is shown about a person within how they treat someone who can do absolutely nothing in return for them and within doing something "good" that no one will ever know about unless u go spouting about how much recognition u should get for this and that. not seeing the compromise of self within a "good deed".

when i pointed out some of those^ things it was "hard" for him to hear. he said why am i always picking and taking out the negative within everything. to which i responded that i was not doing that at all. what i was doing is not being afraid to address much of what we brush over in the way of 'what is', not being afraid to consider much that is being overlooked in terms of ALL of what an action or statement means and entails. not resting in "negative" or "positive" but seeing shit for what it really was. and i mentioned that we cannot do that with shame because this is ALL 'us shit' here. all of it. if we are not willing to look at it all (every minute detail of us), how can we do anything different..

i talked to him about self forgiveness. to release the ideas he has accepted and allowed and currently used to manifest the situations in his life. we talked about him essentially walking the path of his parents within the way he accepts and allows the things that were adopted from or introduced to him through the actions and beliefs of his parents. we agreed that this was at the core of many of the things he considered 'issues' within himself.

cool chat..

ideas, objects and LIFE -- self forgiveness

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value objects over life.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see our collective disregard of life.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that without the value, that is life, there is nothing else.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the word and meaning of value only exist from the lips of life.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dismiss the obvious needs of life and fix myself in an oblivious state.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value an idea in my head.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to move from the only value, that is life.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the value that i give an idea, in my head, is not real.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that, that which is real is here for all to see. it is not confined to my head like the value i give to ideas.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get swept away in the part and miss the whole.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the flag is a piece of fabric made from materials grown from the earth. that is it.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach a sense of entitlement and superiority to the flag. within this i disrespect life that is not held to any sense of entitlement, when we are ALL here.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how the idea of 'the flag' is used as a method of separation.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach myself mentally to a certain piece of fabric with certain colors or shapes on it.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold the flag as superior to life.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the respect that i give to the idea of importance in a piece of fabric is misplaced.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to self honestly define important.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to have a real self honest look at what it is i place value in.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to self honestly define necessity.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to work on self honesty in all moments.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that because i was born on a certain part of the planet that i am worthy of a dignified life.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that because some are born on certain parts of the planet that they are less worthy of the same dignified life i would want for myself.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think there is no way that all people can have the same dignified life that i would want for myself.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that we are separated by pieces of fabric here on this planet.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach myself mentally to a certain piece of land as my "home land". within this i disregard the fact that all land is connected as home on this one planet.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create mental barriers between myself and other beings.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself back.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my self expression.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to watch a moment pass by.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself think in my head instead of express within the physical with my mouth. thinking is not self expressive. its self deceptive. as i think in my head i am not here in the present fully aware and a full participant.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that it isnt a thought that produces but physical movement within participation here. in the physical. u cannot think oneness and equality into existence. it must be lived and expressed and not held back.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the importance of developing self trust to be able to move through any and all given moments with clarity.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that even if i may fall, i still must walk.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to express myself.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear expressing myself.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger. towards the disregard of life, but it was anger. from within anger as a starting point comes nothing good. period. self movement to stand up to the disregard of life must be from a place of self trust, stability and clarity. anger brings none of those things.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear friction. fear creating friction within a disagreement. fear of being unwilling to move self within the unwillingness of another to see what i am trying to express.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from another. like i have not displaying the same disregard towards life.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing an hesitant nature within myself when it comes to "what needs to be done".

i commit myself to not hold back my self expression.

i commit myself to move myself within all moments.

i commit myself to breathe when i sense myself existing as back chat and bring myself back to real. to here in the physical.

i commit myself to develop patience within my movement. stability within expression comes with patience.

i commit myself to not fear the destruction of an idea. as an idea, is not real.

i commit myself to stand up for life.

ideas, objects and LIFE

i had an interesting experience of realization and perspective in relation to our disregard of life in favor of displaying regard for objects or ideas as superior.

**and i want to say that we cannot be afraid to "call a spade a spade." meaning to see what is and say what is without fear of acknowledgment or accountability. we are so afraid to see what we have done. what we do. such shame involved that we cannot even speak about what we are clearly doing here. shame gets us nowhere but within a pit of self pity. "self pity, people, should never be supported. ever." - bp **

i was hanging out with a friend of mine. i was on my computer doing something really quick so he was reading articles on his phone. he turns to me and says...

"can u believe there is this housing community and they wont let this guy fly the american flag?!!"

there was so much disgust and sadness and disbelief in his eyes and tone. for the flag. the idea of the flag. the genuine care that he believed he was displaying for the value of a piece of cloth, scared me a bit. it scared me because this is the type of care that is not displayed towards life. at all. the pain in his mind that he was creating due to the idea he holds about the american flag and that idea being destroyed by people not wanting to support the idea he holds seemed so useless as it dripped off his words of sadness for the idea of the flag. we put such energy towards the uplifting of so many ideas and objects...this idea, object -the respect of the bible, the flag, the koran, the "holy land", the church, the priest, the idea of god- but not towards the betterment of life in general. not towards the respect of life in general. we will initiate a discussion about supporting ideas about pieces of fabric but when switching our support from ideas to life is considered discussing its seen as too much to tackle...

this also lead to an interesting experience of realization and perspective in relation to my learning to move myself in all moments with clarity. move myself in all ways, always. because in the moment that he asked me this question i was already thinking "what the fuck?" "is he seriously showing favor to the idea of value in a flag with the gusto that is required to realize the only thing of value here as LIFE?!" "fuck! that statement really shows the mental attachment we have to our corners of the earth." "how the hell can we be so insulted that people wont let a man fly a piece of cloth but we DONT GIVE A SHIT that all people are not allowed to eat here?"...all this self back chat just lead to me shaking my head in disgust and disbelief of the disregard. not seeing that in this i took the disregard i was spotting in another and made it my own within disregarding the opportunity to move myself to speak and express myself in the physical..within disregarding the assistance that is needed within this other being to see what is being missed (not to say that i would have been able to assist him in seeing anything, but the need for assistance was disregarded for whatever reason)...within the disregard of this being as equal to myself as i had/have accepted and allowed myself to be whether in the past or currently where i desired to show regard to my ideas over what is here as life. instead i rested in the mind. which is not real. which is why my friend has no clue of the reality of me in the moment of him asking me what he asked me. he only knows he got a scoff, a head shake, a look of annoyance and was disregarded by a person...

self forgiveness to come on this...

my period...the mental aspects

i cannot remember not knowing what a period was. i can remember not knowing what many things were. i can also remember the first time i learned about many things. what a period was, is not one of them. seems as though i just came in knowing what a period was and creating a lot of ideas around the idea that was presented to me as 'the period'.

a period, in my home, was not a shy subject.i know in many homes it is seen as gross or weird to discuss. in our society if we mention that we are on 'the period' or speak about 'the period' people freak out. its seen as being too open with things. 'the period' is seen as something NOT to talk about...

in my home growing up, it was a big deal. it was seen as a girls movement into womanhood. i guess that is solely based on the fact that a female can birth children when she has had a period. however i have come to learn that a female can birth a child before having a period. as the whole of the "period process" is already under way by the time the part comes for the female to start to bleed the blood out. so when, really, is this "move" into womanhood? is there really a move at all? arent women, women PERIOD? why plant the seed of separation from 'being a woman' (or less than a woman) to a small girl who couldnt NOT be a woman if she tried?...

but yes, a big deal. and once a female in my family got her period a couple of things happened. there was the special attention and catering to the need of the woman on 'the period'. it seemed like every woman wanted 'something' when she was on 'the period'. chocolate, peppermint tea, a favorite magazine, painkillers, certain dinner or drink...some kind of comfort something. this created the idea that 'the period' should have objects attached to it, fucking wow (so interesting when u walk urself out of an idea uve accepted without reason to find 'the reason' u urself created and allowed urself to accept)... so yes, my objects that i ended up with were a cup, a heating pad, and a specific brand of chocolate ice cream (< which i found, even before i learn about self awareness, that my attachment to it was not real but never considered why it was not real. it was not real because it was attached to an idea i had created around the experience of 'the period'. and i created this idea around the experience of 'the period' due to my mother who would feed special attention to objects during 'the period' and helped me choose mine as chocolate ice cream). ice cream is not something that we require to get us through anything. we dont require any object to allow us to move through life. we decided our movement through life. even if someone else will present us with an idea that we run with, it is still us that decides to accept, allow and run. all that is required is the movement of self to not accept ideas but to move as life. i dont desire to eat chocolate ice cream when i come on my period anymore.

another thing that happened, i found, was an acceptance of anger. the new idea that anger was a uncontrollable byproduct of 'the period' (or something. the idea that anger was because of something NOT myself). when someone was on 'the period' and had an attitude, the attitude was not dismissed, but it was understood. or given a reason. "shes on her period..." "she just came on...". so this was the first time i was presented with the idea of a "justified anger" or a "anger with a purpose/reason" or a "acceptable anger (week)". basically a collective reason why its OK for women to be angry at a certain time of the month or OK to expect a woman to be angry at a certain time of the month or OK to assume that a woman is probably on her period as to why she is angry. and this point was reinforced as i stepped out into the world to view how other people (men and women) considered 'the period'. damn, wow ->i am now seeing there is a connection to the way i had been experiencing myself within my period for years in relation to this point of the origins of my ideas on accepted anger. for years the way i would know my period was coming is i would get so pissed off or upset. i mean off the hip, "im so fucking pissed!..i hate everything anyone says or does!..i dont care! die!" type anger. while directly inside the 'pissed off and upset' i never did see it. it was after the heightened uncontrollable emotional state had dissipated that i was able to assist what i had just participated in. i created anger as an usher to my period.. very fucking interesting shit here. i stopped manifesting the experience of anger prior to my period just because of my movement to deal with my self awareness and my anger. but i did not see that this anger point had connections to my period as well.

the biggest deal that was made around 'the period' was the 'right of passage' now, my mother died over 11 years ago and i am not who i was when she was alive. i mean i am, of course, still me but who i direct myself to be is not who i was accepting and allowing myself to be when she was alive. so i had never asked her about the origins of this idea of the 'right of passage'. but what i assumed is that it was tied to my familys religion. which was a mix of rastafarian/hebrew/whatever we think is cool. the 'right of passage' was basically a big gathering where the whole family (sistren and brothern and their youths)comes together in celebration of the "right of passage" into womanhood. we drum drums, bang tambourines, dance african dance, talk, eat, and give gifts to the female whos 'right of passage' it is. i remember my older sisters. it was a big deal. i remember the weeks of getting things ready. it was a surprise to my older sister as they kept all the preparation away from her and my cousin. who had also started her period.. i remember my older sisters gift from my mother. we all use to have dreads growing up. all long locks down our necks and backs. my older sister, whos 'right of passage' this was, wanted to cut her dreads. she was receiving pressure from school kids and a disapproving CULTure of limited people. so my mother decided to cut all our dreads as we all did african dance shows around together. and she dressed us alike often. so all the dreads went. i was the only one upset (< i guess thats another point that can be addressed. it wasnt a huge deal to me but i did feel slighted as i did not want to "give up" my locks. but i digress..) but back to the reason for the digression, the gift. my mother saved my older sisters dread locks and made a doll of my older sister and had her dread locks sewn in as the dolls hair. she gave it to her at her 'right of passage' and she loved it. i thought it was such a cool and thoughtful gift. there was much jealousy within me i am seeing. i created feelings of inferiority within me...

then came my period. i had two older sisters and many older cousins who i watched get their period and go through the whole "period deal". but the 'right of passage' idea kinda stopped with me. and its something i didnt really understand. my parents were kind of tapering off on some of the things we were use to doing. we starting eating chicken and turkey.. but i remember thinking that i was going to get a 'right of passage' or some kind of celebration when i got my period as my older sisters had. but i did not. no cake. no family. no dancing. no music. no gifts. no oopla at all. all i took away from my first period was a mental addiction to hageen-dazs chocolate ice cream and a misinterpretation of the feeling of anger. i didnt make a big deal out of not getting a 'right of passage' but im seeing ive accepted and allowed some things to sit and fester in me as unaddressed in relation to the mental aspects of my period experience. as what i expect a period experience to be. one of feeling special, feeling great feelings, taken care of, fawned over, excused from things...

self forgiveness to come on this. cool..

my period..

so the past two months, or two periods, have kicked my ass..

growing up i would have terrible periods. i wouldnt be able to stand vertical some days without extreme pain. which would leave to me having to lay down all day. when in school i remember times when i spent entire days in my classes laying down because it helped the pain a bit. i wouldnt be able to swallow my spit. it would feel as though if i did swallow it, i would throw up. so i would spit it out all day. i would throw up. even if i did not swallow my spit. fucking terrible experience i was having for many many years. and this is when i was popping pills still. so i would take pamprin or aleve or whatever the fuck anyone would give me. because nothing actually helped the pain or experience in the way of any medicine i would take. so id end up knocking myself out through sleeping pills as i curled up with a heating pad for the day to escape the pain and the experience i was having. and it was always ONLY the first 24hrs. never any cramps or debilitating experience throughout the rest of the days of my period. which i always thought was so very weird..

throughout the years i have changed this experience for myself. i have been changing myself a ton. the way i look at and consider things, the way i look at feelings and thoughts and their origin, the way i look at pain and its origin, the way i move myself...and in this my period experience changed. i have not taken a pill for anything in over two years. i cant recall the last time i had a head ache i couldnt explain or any random pains. my focus was on the pain and walking through the experience of that. with everything. all pains. so that helped to change the period pain experience.

yesterday i starting my blog 'fighting season'. i knew that my period was coming because, well i can always feel when its coming. my entire experienced changed within my period through starting the process of consideration of all aspects of life ("mine" and all life), but i still felt when it was here on the first day. even if i was now able to move myself through the experience. even if there was next to no real pain pain. usually when i "feel it" means that either it is here or will be here very very soon. but i did not move myself to prepare for pain and debilitation. even though last month kicked my ass.. so i went to run errands with my niece. there were times in the beginning stages when i stopped the pain experience and what assisted was getting out of my idea of the period experience. the cup for spit, the heating pad, the laying down, the 'woe is tree' aspect of it all. so i would get up and just move and that would change the experience manifestation. so i, after knowing how last period was, decided to do that. i got up and got us ready and went to run my errands. went to fedex to drop off work recaps and to target to get a couple of things that i needed. we walked around the store, laughed, collected all we needed to (tampons, distilled water, a bathing suit, small container for baking soda, cotton balls, cereal, socks, undies..). throughout the entire store trip though, i felt the period experience gradually growing. i didnt rest in it though. i kept moving. by the time i got back to the house it had grew some more. but i kept moving.

a friend asked me to dinner and though i did feel crappy at this point i still wanted to keep moving. as that seemed to help with staying out of the pain experience in the past. so i did. i showered, by this time my period was full on, and got ready for dinner. went to get into the car and i just wanting to crawl on all fours back into the house. we decided to skip dinner and just go relax instead. came upstairs and the period experience was back. i threw up. did not want to swallow my spit. needed to lay down. heating pad nixed because its fucking hot here right now.. but yeah. i was done for- for the rest of the day.

i have to look at why i am still experiencing this, this way..

i want to do some research on periods today. on cramps. on this pain that we experience and what we collectively say about this. i have never really looked into periods and others experience of them. my mothers, sisters < first experiences that i have had with 'a period'. i know real pain. physical pain. minus the mental bullshit of what we think about pain. i get that part. but i want to do this to get a grasp on the "what we think" aspect of periods, the "what ive accepted" when it comes to my idea of "what a period is" or is "supposed to be". to really specify the self forgivness that im about to give to this shit. because before when i "stopped this pain experience" for all this time (minus the past two periods..)i did so by physically walking myself out of the mental part i had accepted about pain. but that does not delete or address the mental part i have accepted about periods. just ignores it. replaces it with physical movement. but thats not enough. so now to look the whole before i can truely address this part.

and i have to keep with me that when i do address the mental part of this period experience to not expect something different (or the same for that matter )from pain. pain is real and its here and its a part of the voice of the human physical body. me experiencing physical pain is one thing. me manifesting a debilitating experience surrounded by the fact that pain is involved, is something else. cool..