my period..

so the past two months, or two periods, have kicked my ass..

growing up i would have terrible periods. i wouldnt be able to stand vertical some days without extreme pain. which would leave to me having to lay down all day. when in school i remember times when i spent entire days in my classes laying down because it helped the pain a bit. i wouldnt be able to swallow my spit. it would feel as though if i did swallow it, i would throw up. so i would spit it out all day. i would throw up. even if i did not swallow my spit. fucking terrible experience i was having for many many years. and this is when i was popping pills still. so i would take pamprin or aleve or whatever the fuck anyone would give me. because nothing actually helped the pain or experience in the way of any medicine i would take. so id end up knocking myself out through sleeping pills as i curled up with a heating pad for the day to escape the pain and the experience i was having. and it was always ONLY the first 24hrs. never any cramps or debilitating experience throughout the rest of the days of my period. which i always thought was so very weird..

throughout the years i have changed this experience for myself. i have been changing myself a ton. the way i look at and consider things, the way i look at feelings and thoughts and their origin, the way i look at pain and its origin, the way i move myself...and in this my period experience changed. i have not taken a pill for anything in over two years. i cant recall the last time i had a head ache i couldnt explain or any random pains. my focus was on the pain and walking through the experience of that. with everything. all pains. so that helped to change the period pain experience.

yesterday i starting my blog 'fighting season'. i knew that my period was coming because, well i can always feel when its coming. my entire experienced changed within my period through starting the process of consideration of all aspects of life ("mine" and all life), but i still felt when it was here on the first day. even if i was now able to move myself through the experience. even if there was next to no real pain pain. usually when i "feel it" means that either it is here or will be here very very soon. but i did not move myself to prepare for pain and debilitation. even though last month kicked my ass.. so i went to run errands with my niece. there were times in the beginning stages when i stopped the pain experience and what assisted was getting out of my idea of the period experience. the cup for spit, the heating pad, the laying down, the 'woe is tree' aspect of it all. so i would get up and just move and that would change the experience manifestation. so i, after knowing how last period was, decided to do that. i got up and got us ready and went to run my errands. went to fedex to drop off work recaps and to target to get a couple of things that i needed. we walked around the store, laughed, collected all we needed to (tampons, distilled water, a bathing suit, small container for baking soda, cotton balls, cereal, socks, undies..). throughout the entire store trip though, i felt the period experience gradually growing. i didnt rest in it though. i kept moving. by the time i got back to the house it had grew some more. but i kept moving.

a friend asked me to dinner and though i did feel crappy at this point i still wanted to keep moving. as that seemed to help with staying out of the pain experience in the past. so i did. i showered, by this time my period was full on, and got ready for dinner. went to get into the car and i just wanting to crawl on all fours back into the house. we decided to skip dinner and just go relax instead. came upstairs and the period experience was back. i threw up. did not want to swallow my spit. needed to lay down. heating pad nixed because its fucking hot here right now.. but yeah. i was done for- for the rest of the day.

i have to look at why i am still experiencing this, this way..

i want to do some research on periods today. on cramps. on this pain that we experience and what we collectively say about this. i have never really looked into periods and others experience of them. my mothers, sisters < first experiences that i have had with 'a period'. i know real pain. physical pain. minus the mental bullshit of what we think about pain. i get that part. but i want to do this to get a grasp on the "what we think" aspect of periods, the "what ive accepted" when it comes to my idea of "what a period is" or is "supposed to be". to really specify the self forgivness that im about to give to this shit. because before when i "stopped this pain experience" for all this time (minus the past two periods..)i did so by physically walking myself out of the mental part i had accepted about pain. but that does not delete or address the mental part i have accepted about periods. just ignores it. replaces it with physical movement. but thats not enough. so now to look the whole before i can truely address this part.

and i have to keep with me that when i do address the mental part of this period experience to not expect something different (or the same for that matter )from pain. pain is real and its here and its a part of the voice of the human physical body. me experiencing physical pain is one thing. me manifesting a debilitating experience surrounded by the fact that pain is involved, is something else. cool..

denim and diamonds

watching the news yesterday i saw the story of this denim and diamonds fundraiser. i am going to paste the article below in then give notice and attention to the overlooked aspects within ways of dealing with our issues and programs such as this...

It's not the usual jewelry worn with jeans, but a local women's counseling center is asking you to wear denim and diamonds this week.
A short time ago Gina Graham said even little things such as shopping and sharing with friends, were not enough to help her cope anymore with the aftermath of a painful childhood.
"It really came to the point where I felt like I was having an identity crisis and really the ways I'd been thinking that got through those tough times for many years, weren't working for me anymore." Said Graham, a former client of Eve Center.
So Graham sought out the help of some of the people such as peer counselors at the Eve Center. The center provides faith based counseling for women by women.
"It's safe, no cost and very confidential." Said Cinny Roy, Executive Director of the Eve Center.
Graham, Roy and peer counselor Wanda Taylor Smith met up with us to wear denim and go shopping for a few perfectly sized diamond at Philip Bortz Jewelry downtown.
But when it comes to what they are supporting, you might say one size fits all with these diamonds. We are talking about demin and diamonds for a very important reason. This weekend is the first ever Denim and Diamonds Fundraiser for the Eve Center. The money raised will provide even more free mental health counseling.
"One of the ways women process things is by talking through things, and this helps them to understand that god has given them the where-withal to talk through some of their issues." Said Wanda Taylor-Smith, an Eve Center counselor.
Those issues are gone for Gina Graham. "I want other people to know what I know now, that life can be different." She said.
In other words, you can get the spark, or in this case the sparkle, back again.

ok, this is a blatant example of selective viewing of the part instead of the whole in many ways within this story.

first shown in the fact that gina graham created the 'denim and diamonds' idea because her childhood was so painful that she, apparently, could not cope with without the help of the eve center and making herself and others feel pretty with some diamonds. now this is not to down the support and assistance of organizations but instead to point out that most of us have had things happen in our childhood that would be considered painful and all of us have the ability to deal with these things without the help of a center or things like diamonds to make us feel pretty or loved. we advocate self discovery but not self creation. as pointed out here "It really came to the point where I felt like I was having an identity crisis and really the ways I'd been thinking that got through those tough times for many years, weren't working for me anymore." gina was aware that she had a hard childhood discovered that it had affects on her but didnt actually do anything about how she accepted and allowed her childhood to affect her. instead of getting down to the ideas she had accepted about herself and life by way of her painful childhood and letting go of those ideas to create a different gina, she rested in ways that were not helpful because they did not stand the test of time. seen in her later "identity crisis".

another display of the disregard of the whole in favor of the part is our collective view of diamonds. when we think of diamonds we think of love, "foreverness", money, commitment. in this we completely slight the big picture of the acquisition of diamonds. whether it is a conflict diamond or not is besides the point on the fact that we need a reality check about the relationship we accept and allow ourselves to have with diamonds as a WHOLE. two-thirds of all diamonds come from africa. this is something that happens often where a country that is considered poor is rich in some resources that we here in the united states has mental value in. many children are killed by way of diamonds and the diamond industry. many are either forced to be a child laborer or a child soldiers. sometimes whole communities forced into labor and an abusive existence, low or no pay and many times death. do diamonds, in totality, make people happy and represent love? definitely not. and we adopt and spout phrases like 'diamonds are a girls best friend' not seeing the implications of such a statement when looking at the whole and not just the part. with the implementation of the equal money system this brutality would end. for one, because life and its value will be respected from birth until death. for all. period. and another because in an equal money system the fact that one thinks it is acceptable to brutalize another being would not be overlooked. it will be addressed and gotten to the root of the issue. no longer will we sit on the sidelines and simply accept and allow bullshit in OUR life. the profit driven murder does not have to be. but we accept it and allow it by holding onto these delusional ideas about diamonds.

so for $60 per person, $85 if u desire a sapphire ticket which includes consideration of being in actual sponsor and a t-shirt, people can enjoy a dinner and music and the chance to win $3700 worth of jewelry and feel like they are helping people who would require faith based counseling via the eve center. all the while being okay with our "love" of diamonds so intense and "special" as to lead to children having their limbs cut off or communities enslaved and brutalized. all the while being okay with our idea of "helping" with a problem without addressing the starting point or considering all of the consequences there of. always looking at the part instead of the whole.

we need to stop this greed within us. it the same greed that allows one to cut the limbs off a child. its the same greed that allows us to blindly value diamonds when the outflow of their acquisition is apparent. its the same greed that allows us to require the involvement of money to dictate the quality of "help" that is given in any situation towards any issue. it the same greed that allows us to feel good about spending $60 towards a cause instead of taking collective action to stop the cause.

if we truly cared about prevention of painful childhoods that would lead to needing support from the help of the eve center which needs money to run which would require a fund raiser in which we support the acquisition of diamonds that people die for daily...then we would establish a world wide system that supports life. so life does not feel the need to do whatever to get money and survive. if we truly cared we would honestly investigate an equal money system. one that addresses and stops causes instead of raises money for them.