point of desire/acceptance

so i have been dealing with this point for a while. desire. desire to know why. desire to be accepted. desire to understand. desire to be understood. desire for approval. this point is coming up again realising that many people have me blocked on facebook. desteni people. when i realised that one person had blocked me i went into this cycle of, "whatever" then "come on, seriously?" then "what the fuck?!" then "ok. i cant see u, u cant see me either. block back!" then the realisations came.. "stop the seperation. an eye for an eye is the epitome of ignorance. who r u to judge anyone else in their process? who r u to "look down" on someone because u dont "like" what they have done? who r u to seek actions of revenge on someone? if u deem someone else "unworthy" then u deem urself "unworthy" ". and i stopped that "revenge blocking" bullshit. all these points of desire are coming up realising there are a good number of people that have me blocked. desire to know why i am being blocked. desire to know why i am being seperated. desire to be accepted by these people. desire to understand what makes someone would feel they needed to block me. desire for approval from these people. and i think this point goes a lot deeper within me. root tree... ok i have always had this "thing" about not wanting to let people go. always wanting to keep every single "friend" ive ever had. every single "lover" i have ever had. most of the men ive ever had sex with i still talk to or could reconnect with with ease. ( im digging into the sex relationship point. i already know the flowers. getting to the roots is where self honesty needs complete deletion of self deception) most of the friends ive ever had are still around. and if they arent its most likely not cause we have stopped "being friends". ive always felt comfort in the idea that i didnt really get rid of people. i think the root of that is the fact that my dad left us and moved away when he couldnt find work where we were. i created a resentment of him that. i felt betrayed and pushed aside. i carried that resentment with me into highschool. where i had a friend that meant THE WORLD to me and she ended up leaving me when she got a boyfriend. its funny cause neither my father nor this friend LITERALLY left me. i was left by them both emotionally. and that fucked me. i accepted and allowed myself to fuck myself. fucking emotions. and i created this "thing" about not wanted to let anyone go. ever lol. wow. ok.so cool this point is brought up. its all a bunch of bullshit. desire in and of itself. cause i know that desire is useless. its actions that move things into manifestation. not desires. desire as u may, desire as u might. what r u going to DO about it?. i need to focus on my process. continue to get my shit sorted out. not worry or desire to know why the next person is doing what the fuck they are doing. but stay focused here on my process. if i feel judged by someone it is actually me judging myself. if i seek approval from someone it is actually me seeking approval from myself. if i feel someone is seperating me, its actually me existing in seperation.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in seperation.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that anything put towards another MUST be brought back to self. every time.
i forgive myself for aceepting and allowing myself to create this idea of comfort in keeping.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this idea that its "better" to keep every emotionally charged connection.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that anything but ME can "make" me feel rejected.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, in every moment, that i am the controller of that which i experience within me.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to shift blame to self responsibility.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait to write about this point abling myself to uncover the root.
i forgive myself for accpeting and allowing myself to carry resentment towards my father.
i forgive myself for accepeting and allowing myself to carry resentment towards my "bestfriend".
i forgive myself for accpeting and allowing myself to ignore this point of resentment towards my father and friend because this point has presented its self before and was ignored by not existing, in every moment, in self honesty. ignoring is ignorance.

rooting for the root

so marlen has helped to open me up and let me see that i must go deeper in the points i deal with. so in looking at points from now on i will not focus so much on that which has come forth but from where it came. the root of the point. when a baby is searching for food or trying to eat (support themselves) they root for it. the boob. they search for it. rooting. so i shift my focus from the flowers to the roots.

in looking at the root of the point of laziness i see that i created/accepted/allowed this idea that laziness "works" "good enough". what i saw around me were people not really trying, but they were still able to "get by". or if they were trying their hardest, as in the case of my mother, they still werent able to "get a leg up" and live life full. it was all just "getting by". what i saw growing up was that living was fucking hard as fuck. i saw my mother and father struggle. uncles and aunts struggling. i created this idea of "why even fucking try". i didnt feel like we did enough. enough for one another. enough for the world. but the way i saw people participating in the world through the media and the examples i had of those around me helped me to created this pedestal in which i placed the idea of being lazy or "getting something for nothing". my parents were not 9 to 5ers. my dad grew and sold weed growing up and we "got by". my mom worked as a midwife delivering babies at our home growing up. expected mothers would stay with us many days while giving birth on their own time. but because of who she was i dont think she ever charged anyone. she enjoyed doing the work because she enjoyed doing the work. period. but that selflessness was not "good enough" for the world. it didnt work in the world we live in. she couldnt keep that selflessness going and also support herself and her children. i dont think she ever thought of it that way though. my dad quit growing and selling weed but couldnt find a job and moved away. then my mother found her own way of "getting by". worked when she could where she could. gave 100% of herself but still was only able to "get by". and that was barely. i remember my oldest sister was going through shit with school and life and focusing. decided she was going away to job corps. a place that is supposed to be school and job training. i thought of it as a college. it was a "big deal" in my eyes. well she went away and came back a slightly different person. she was in a gang and dressed different and talked differnt. people saw her as cool. i recall thinking that she went off to do something but ended up doing nothing really and now shes in a gang and shes cool and doing nothing. and its "working" for her. lead me to shape this idea of laziness "working". and laziness as what people do. i had a couple of points of "crazy" at age 13 or so. i use to think so much itd give me bad headachs. just think and think. about every situation i was in, everyone around me, too much shit. sometimes i couldnt stop the thoughts and shit. itd make me feel crazy. one intense time i wrote it all out that was going on in me while it was going on in me. i was in a daze cause i really didnt feel like it was me writing when i was writing it. read it over after i had "calmed down". it was insane ramblings. felt like i was going crazy. i was afraid of myself as i was when i couldnt stop my thoughts and mind. i told myself after that, that i would not care about things so much. that caring too much made u go crazy in this world. that id just lay back. be easy. just "get by" to never have to face myself as i was that day. to never have to face that "craziness" in me. to never have to face all the bullshit within me. to never have to face the 'oh please. fuck u' the world would give me if i tried too hard (cause of the idea i created that try as u may try as might, they world doesnt fucking care and will chew u up and spit u out). to never have to face that ugly side of myself/us/the world. i created this idea that just "getting by" was ok with me. that i was ok with it. school fueled this point of laziness because it was so "easy" for me to be lazy within all that had to do with school because i didnt have to try to "get by". so "just getting by" was what i did. point of laziness = fear of facing self (fear of full potential). k cool. the root.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing the idea that laziness "works".
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing the idea that "getting by" was "good enough" for me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing the created idea that all people are "just getting by".
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself based on what i saw people participating in in the media.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself based on what my parents experienced.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself based on my judgements of that which i saw around me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the outside to influence my inside.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my "crazy" on the fact that i cared too much.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing my created idea to make me feel its ok to not care.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my sisters experience at job corps helping to create the idea that laziness and "getting by" was "cool".
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the idea that people would see me as "cool" if i didnt try but still "got by".
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing the creation of this personality of a lazy person.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that in creating this personality of a lazy person i allowed it to influence every part of the experience of myself so far.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that creating an idea based on another experiene is not directing self its being directed.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing my judgement of an experience to direct me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing judgement within me.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that things must be lived or else they are simply information.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this idea of laziness in which accepted and allowed based on what someone else had lived.
i forgive myseld for not accepting and allowing myself to see that this point of laziness is fear of facing myself and all that i have accepted and allowed.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that in fearing myself, i fear the world.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that in facing myself, i face the world in turn.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see me as seperate from the world.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that this created idea of laziness helped me to feel seperate from the world even though i accepted and allowed it based on my thinking that it is what everyone was doing in the world.
i forgive myslef for not accepting and allowing myself to see that i created this idea of laziness to not have to address the fear of myself.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that i created this idea of laziness to not have to address the fear of the world.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create limitation within me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to willingly exist within limitation.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on the world.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this idea of laziness becasue i fear my full potential.

self forgiveness

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel wronged.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel right.
i forgive mysefl for not accepting and allowing myself to see me in every situation.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see me in every moment.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see me in every word spoken from anothers lips.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from another.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing within myself judgements of racist peoople.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that all is learned.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that blame is useless.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that all are to "blame".
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the emotions of a victim.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that i am not only the victim, but the abuser in turn.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from mason and how they act.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that masons are simply another group of people existing in a mind fuck of superiority.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see myself within the masons.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to keep in mind that all are in processs wether they know it or not.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the process of another.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my own process.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that my ex will not change.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that in thinking my exd will not change is actually me thinking i will not change.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see all sides one moment, but only mine another.
i forgive myself fot not accepting and allowing consistancy within myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the process of others.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own process.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to change another.
i forgive myself for not accpeting and allowing myself to see the desire to change another is the desire to change myself.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the desire to do something doesnt get something done.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that to get something done, i must simply DO it.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that hoping and desiring is not movement.
i forgive myself for nto accepting and allowing myself to see that hope doesnt get something done.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that hoping something will happen or hoping something will change is the same as believe in miracles.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that magic things dont just happen.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use hope and wishes to fix how people relate to one another.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself though the same shit over and over.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see what i was trying to show myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the personality of 'tree. the girl who doesnt do relationships' 'tree. the black girl who likes white boys' 'tree. the girl know it all''tree. the girl u cant tell nothing to' 'tree. little mrs. defensive' 'tree. little mrs. cantbewrong' 'tree. mrs. fix it' 'tree. the rebel girl' 'tree. goes against the grain'.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create these other people to which i could hop into the persona of.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say my ex did "this" to me or "that" to me. not realising in every moment consistantly that i am the controller of that which i experience within me.
i forgive myself fot accepting and allowing myself to blame my ex.
i forgive myelf for not accepting and allowing myself to see that in shooting blame to my ex, it is actually me who i blame.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myelf to see in every moment consistantly that what i see in others, what i view of the world are all reflections of me.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see in every moment that all i see in another, experience from another is that which i see and experience from me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow someone to use my process to hurt me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear of being seen as insane.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear of being called insane.
i forgive myself for accpeting and allowing fear of being an outcast. no seeing that i already was an outcast. that we are all outcast. sitting on the outside of real life.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see in every moment consistantly that since i have realised my process i have made changes that matter to the world as a whole.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see in every moment consistantly that i am the change. so change will not come from anywhere but right here.


do not wait for forgiveness. give it to urself. move the fuck on.

fucking myself terribly

experiencing a lot of shame right now. its not guilt. more like woe is me for letting this all happen. had the craziest experience last night. all of which i brought on myself. talking to my ex on chat. he asks if i had been with anyone since him. i told the truth and said yes. he flips out on me. cant believe i wouldnt fuck him but would fuck someone else. says he was trying to get back with me while i was fucking someone else. funny. since he began to fuck someone else very soon after our break up. she recently died in her sleep. took me 6 months to be with another. but he was fueled with anger and self pity. started going the fuck off..saying he hopes i used protection with all the shit i gave him (i said of course i did. i was with an ex who gave me a fucking std so yeah. i dont play the unwrapped shit anymore.) talking shit about the guy though he doesnt know him at all. says he gave up so much to be with me. gave up going to lodge and being with his racist masonic friends to be with me. and that the people in the neighborhood we lived in were racist and he had to "deal" with that. people looking down on him for being with the poor worthless black girl. and that he had to sacrifice giving up all these racist people in his life all to be with me. he really just saw me as the black pussy experience. liked the idea of sticking his cock in me whenever he wanted, but not really giving a partnership a go. he wanted to fuck me, but keep all the racist down looking shit going in his life. resented me for being who i am (the black aspect and the way i view life aspect. caring for all. loving all the same. he says he hates that i love that way.) though he thought that shit he was giving me was love. gets pissed that i tell him it was not. and that he never loved me at all. he says he sees all the desteni shit and reads my "insane" blog. i told him i actually listen when he speaks and i know he reads my shit and knows he goes on the site. that doesnt concern me. the point is to expose self and self bullshit. he never changed his life for equality. he knew about desteni but never did a fucking thing about it. but be pissed at me for wanting to change shit and throw desteni in my face to try and hurt me. we got into a fight once while we were toghether. we were upset at one another. probably because of his 'sex is god' attitude and refusing to hear me. not talking about what should have been. he had/has serious anger issues. rage issues. the rage he has in him makes him blind. hes a differnt person when he gets like that. he has torn up the house before in a fit of rage. he has cursed out and raged at old men while blocking them in a corner unable to get away before. any one or anything really. beat the shit out of a car. but yeah, he was pissed already and we got home from being at the mall. we were throwing a holloween party the next day. his friend was standing there waiting. the alarm was going off in the kitchen. i thought he was going to get it, he thought i was going to get it, he was freaking about it taking too long and the cops coming. finally got turned off. he got in my face and said something rude and threatening then walked away. my hands were filled with bags and my purse. rage or not, being threatened or not, i was not afraid of him. i said, yeah u need to walk away cause i will kick ur fucking ass. he didnt like that. grabbed me around my neck with his hand and started to choke me. i look at his friend and his hands were in his pockets like he was watching a fucking film above our heads. not even looking at what was happening in front of him. when we had gotten into bad verbal fights before his friends have talked to me. saying thats just how he is, hes always been that way, he thinks cause he makes so much money he can do and say whatever he wants, u should see how he treated the girls before u, ur lucky, blah blah bullshit. but they all stay "on his team" never saying a word agaisnt the obvious bullshit of it all. so i figured, okay this fuck is not going to help me. i dropped everything in my hands and proceeded to beat the shit out of my boyfriend. i mean this was a real fight. broken necklace, being thrown up agaisnt a wall. i have never put up hands with a boy before. but we went at it. ended up dislocating his shoulder and hes screaming at me that im crazy and why did i do that and all this fucking jazz. disregarding the fact that he tried to choke a girl holding tons of bags and defensless. or so he thought. i didnt even leave him after this. during this chat converstation he says, oh and my friend didnt do anything that night cause u were fucking crazy insane for no reason. okay. the whole wanting to be around the racist and pissed that he couldnt being with me pissed me off (i never knew he felt THAT way about the whole me being black thing), then this choking cherry on top set me off completely. i knew he never really like me. resented me for not making money like he did. resented me for being black. resented that he couldnt be with his mason friends cause i didnt like what they were about. i never told him he couldnt but i displayed my dislike for the way they viewed other people and their desire for control and power. it was mostly about his infatuation with the black girl experience. the black pussy he had never had. he had never even talked to a black girl before me. i use to try not to be with white men who had never been with a black woman before. the black experiementers i use to call them. told this to one and he says its not a black experiment, its a black experience. that sounded to me like its not toMAYto its toMAto. i found it was all about the thrill for them. not about the person. but with my ex i pushed a ton of myself aside to attempt to be with him. i never wanted to be in a relationship. i hated how men and women related to one another. all that shit i pushed aside slowly said "um tree. u cant forget what u already know". who i am, the things i cared about never mattered to him. he has tons of naked pictures of me. hes in arizona right now. i told him we are meeting up as soon as he gets back in town. i dont mind being seen naked. im honestly fine with my naked body. i enjoy being naked. wouldnt mind if people saw these pictures of my nakedness. but i want them deleted from his phone. point blank fucking period. why does he want to look at pictures of the insane bitch who kept him from his racist friends for these years. to re-live the dishonest black experience/experiement whatever. fuck that. i have pictures of my own. and he knows this. he was there. we did a little freaky shit while together. we will get together and delete all his from his phone and all mine from my computer. im done with this. im done trying. im done wanting to fix shit. im done hoping things change. im done wanting this to change. i hate feeling vindictive. feeling like i need to defend myself. went to bed feeling like shit. realising how he felt about me being black. realising how he felt about not getting to be around his racist mason friends. i never met his father the whole time we were together becasue im black and he was afraid his dad would write him out of the will. this shit went to sleep with me. and so i dreamt. in this dream i was the observer of all and the experiencer of all. all at the same time. it was intense. in the dream this guy was talkign to this other guy about how he wanted this black girl dead. he was pissed at her. she had hurt him. i felt the hurt within him. he felt justified in decided to have this black girl killed. he,i, planned and plotted this killing. he got a friend to do it for him. the friend was full of anger, but sadness at the same time. he both want to do and didnt want to do what he knew he was going to do. while experienceing this dream i knew that i would have to be all people. experience all parts. and i was afraid. i knew that i, the observer/experiencer would have to die. it wasnt death that i was afraid of. it was having to experience and view the act of my dying and also do the killing. from all angels nonetheless. so the guy gets teh girl to come over. i am as the friend waiting in the stairs for the girl, me, to come. the friend didnt want to do what he was about to do, but felt that he had to do it. and he was okay with the fact that he had to do it, though he didnt want to. the girl was afraid. she didnt know what to expect from this meeting. she felt that her boyfriend (the guy who asked his friend to kill her) was crazy and she didnt trust him and this meeting. the friend grabs her and drags her down the stairs. now being both observer and experiencer was really fucking intense while this was going on. being pulled from one position to the other. oen perspective to the other. not missing a beat when it comes to the experience of all in the dream. fuck. the friend takes the girl down the steps and proceeds to beat the shit out of her. in his mind he thinks, "this is what i have to do. i am helping a friend. this is okay." we were at some kind of apartment complex and there were tons of people around. watching the friend(a male), me, beat the shit out of the girl. also me. and its fucked cause i felt how the people around watching felt also. i felt rage, like a sporting event excitement, cheering on the beating, happy to see this happening to this black girl, she must have deserved it, get her! i felt from the girls perspective, on the ground, being watched, feeling helpless, tons of sadness, a bit of acceptance. as the friend kicked the girl a ton more times i think a cop made him stop and go away. but they left the girl there. and she, i, died. i woke up. it had been almost exactly 6 hours from when i went to sleep. body clock alarm woke me up. and wanted to cry. and i did. all that emotion in the dream still lingered when i woke. so upset i had let this whole thing with me ex get to THIS point within me. im done fucking myself. self forgiveness to come, i just dont even know where to start right now...

job/laziness

got a start date today! so excited. i start on the 3rd of january. havent heard back from the second job as of yet. if i do get this other job i will have three jobs in total. one thrid shift, one first shift and one sporatic. the 3rd shift job is at usbanks government lockbox doing data entry. $11/hour. we basically input the governments tax information. im pretty sufficient at typing and my 10key has been pretty fucking fast inthe past. havent done this job in about 2 years but i use to work here before. the first shift job would be taking orders over the phone for someones catalog. $9/hour. i havent done this type of job before. order taking. seems simply enough. and i dont have to swindle anyone into buying shit they dont need. they already know what they dont need and they are calling me to put their orders in lol. the sporatic job is as a brand ambassador. i have done this job for about 5 years. i basically represent companies at differnt events and promotions. i have represented different beers and liquors, the company axe, shell gas station, krogers. pretty much whatever company is having an event or promo. this job is easy. i get to choose when i work, where i work, if i want to work inthe first place. i get to interact with differnt types of people. we dont sell anything. always giving shit away. incentives or coupons to the product of whatever company i represent that day. sometimes i can make pretty good money doing this job, other times there just arent events. during the winter is a bit less promotions going on. so that fueled my laziness. id work when there was work and say fuck it when it wasnt. seeing as i had a roof over my head i wasnt paying for and food in my belly i also wasnt paying for. i have recently in the past couple months starting paying $100 a month to my bro and sis. i was a little pissy for about a minute upon finding out that id have to start paying (and it wasnt like "u have to or else!" it was like "we need u to") but that was deleted upon noticing. i am happy to help out around here. i clean a ton ( i enjoy cleaning :)) help out with the dogs, cook occasionally. the living situation is pretty cool here. it works to an extent. and if i was continuing to be rested in my laziness i would stay here. my brother and sister dont want me to leave. im a helper. i like to help. i enjoy kids and dont mind cleaning. but being here is fuel for my laziness. and they allow me being here to both help and hinder their own personal processes. my sis and i area alike in many ways. think similar. so if my brother is on some ignorant shit, we both call him out on it and it comes off as ganging up on him. so i dont hop on sides anymore. and she doesnt address his ignorance. so he doesnt address his ignorance. she feels better about speaking her truth when i am around because she gets strength from me and can also piggy back off me. and i like to help so im a bit of a two( ok 75:) centser sometimes. this is keeping her from realising herself and fully being the support for herself and being the fuel to find her voice in every situtation. and it doesnt seem like they talk about all the things they should be talking about within a partnership. and i see me being her as help to keep that going. they dont feel like they can talk about things cause im around. or they talk quietly without full expression and investigation because of worry about me being there. so me being here is helping and me leaving will be helping just as equally. equality rocks! i feel i need to build support for myself that can be maintained myself. i have had apartments in the past. but none alone. always had a roomate. some kind of a buffer. a helper. someone to lean on. so moving out on my own will be supportive in the aspect of being able to fully assist and support myself in every way. and i havent done that at all fully in the past. so this will be interesting.

sleep/chaka/laziness/period

so i decided to change the amount of sleep i was getting. in connection to the point of laziness. first night following this was cool. slept the 6 hours. got directly up went to the bathroom put on cloths then chaka and i went for a walk. its really snowy outside being winter and all. i really enjoyed the walk as did chaka. shes a little thing but has no hangups at all about the snow or being wet or cold. she pounces in and burys her whole head in snow banks just for the fun of it. and shes eats the ice chips and balls of snow out of her fur when we come in. shes so cool. no pun intended :). i wondered if dogs feel cold as we feel cold. because if is step bare foot into a snow pile, im gonna feel the chill. but chaka can run and throw her whole fucking body in a snow pile, and get up to do it 5 more times. but one of the dogs i live with doesnt really like the snow. finnegan. he goes to do his business then barks and barks and barks to be let back in. his fur is patchy and short and hes old so that may account for why he feels it more than chaka. but ive come to see that as finn just being bitchy when he wants to be bitchy. his ego probably. and i have experienced that animals can have egos. oh yes. wether they are learned or reflections or what im not sure. but ive seen em. especially being around finn. but i say its his bitchyness cause i have seen him take off in the snow some days. not showing any regard for the fact that all his paws are submerged in snow. just enjoying himself and not bitching about it. so yeah. interesting. one thing that i have noticed, and its been there and always happened but never really made notice of it, is that everyone believes chaka to be a boy dog. every since i have gotten her its , "hes so cute" "whats his name" "look at him". no one that meets or sees a picture of her asks or assumes that she is a girl. they go straight to boy. it doesnt bother me in the least. when they ask a question about my "boy dog" i respond with an answer about her. i say "shes is a cutie right" or "her name is chaka" or whatever. im never like, "OMG shes a girl!!" lol but it never fails. chaka is asexual lol. she doesnt give a shit so i dont give a shit. yesterday mid day like 2pm i was so tired. i dont take naps. but i really felt like my body needed to lay the fuck down. so i did. set my alarm for an hour. ended up sleeping for 3. woke up at 5 feeling a bit better but sluggish. got up. prepared dinner to be cooked and waited to hear from my brother that hes coming home to being the cooking. while watching a movie a little later on with my bro and sis i felt my period coming. now realisign where that need for sleep mid day came from. it was like...shit. ive never attempted to explain the feeling of this system activating. it was like, not pain, but uncomfortabliity. felt like activation lol. didnt feel "good" but it wasnt pain either. i dont take any pills. so i breathed through. by the end of the movie it was fully active. the uncomfortablity was much at this point. uncomfortability is the only was i can put this into words. i know pain from periods. i spent many years manifesting dibilitating experiences when it came to my period. this was not like that. i thankfully dont manifest that experience anymore. i went and laid down and didnt wake up until 930 in the morning. i went to sleep at 12pm or so. thats the most i have slept in a looong time. many months. i didnt judge myself for it. got up. went to the bathroom. put on cloths and chaka and i went for a walk. we had a great time as usual. i made a cup of tea then sat to write this.

lazinesss

so i have four brothers and four sisters. big family. like i said in the previous i was the first to go to college and i was like the "meal ticket" the "smart child". we didnt have much money growing up. we were on welfare. food stamps. assitance. there were times when we did not have food at all. but it when i look at it now its not like "woe is me". but there was a point while going through it that i was very angry and resentful of our situation. always thinking of ways that III could make money to at least make MY situation a little bit better. i was an extrememly selfish child. bratty but respectful if that makes sense. never talked back or yelled or cursed at my mom. that didnt fly with us. but the brattiness was in full effect. i really resented those connatations put on me because there was so many of us but this expectation was of me and no one else. its like all before me were given up on in terms of being a money maker. so i resented the lables put on me. which was why it was so easy for me to decide that i was done with school. armed with laziness and a resentment of money and making money. now this point of school. one part of me says go back. finish the marketing degree. dont have a fucking clue what id practically do with the fucking thing. my father, grandmother, probably a couple sisters and brothers are dissappointed in me for not finishing my degree. and with my father it really shows. i fuckedupedly want his approval for some reason. **need to dive into this "daddy point" ** another part of me would really enjoy going to law school. law has always interested me but i was in a different mindset when i decided to go for marketing. id like to change the legal system. bust it wide open with some common sense and equality. someone i know is in law school. reading her study books is like, very cool. the actually me part of me says i cant afford either of them. and thats keeping it 100% practical. i have tons of bills, student loads, credit cards( i learned in school about business and accounting but never learned about the bullshit and swindles of credit cards), hospital bills(almost died once*. tons of bills from that. slit my finger open once really bad. ditto) all of which im totally okay dying with. but these things hinder me. well, they will if i allow them. these are things we allow to hinder us. no excuses anymore. dont now about the point about school though. i am currently paying on my student loans. not all of them (there are many. my mother died my senior year and my dad well**that a point in itself, so i had to get tons of loans to even be able to go to college.) so once i get this one taken care of i'll move on to the next. with getting these jobs i will be able to take care of more bills. i have to be sure not to spend all my money paying off bills though. ill do what i can. i still have to support myself. im not sure where i will be the most effective. creative arts/using creative abilities/new cycle of creative activity all came up in the reading a couple times. this came off to me as artist or something. i do not have artistic abilities. i really had a desire to know what this meant though. maybe i'll grab a paper and pencil and see what pops up LOL.
but school is the major point of this laziness within me. it being easy to me and not having to try. so i had time to be lazy. be in school for laziness or enjoyment of social shit. when i found desteni back in 2008 i dived head first into internal laziness. i didnt do shit back then. i worked a bit. but mostly watched videos all day long. didnt go out much, no tv for like 4 or 5 months at all, no forum participation. just me and jack lol. this was a crazy form of laziness. which lead to a great depression (lol great depression) within me. i was fucked in the head from too much videos and too little action (the laziness). almost killed myself. didnt want to face, well my face. i was seeing what was going on without realising i am the solution to whats going on cause i collectively accepted and allowed the creation and continuation of all this shit. ive become so comfortable in my laziness. i barely see me wrapping myself in the blanket of it when i do. i stop this laziness within me. SF on laziness to come.