picture perfect

so i was reading some blogs and came across one ov blaz' called sexual desires and pictures where he was talking about this picture he has in his head of the "perfect" woman. and that got me to thinking about my own perception of tje "perfect" man. i have always desired white men. i use to think of it as ' it is what it is. its what im attracted to'. i have questioned it before. looked back. saw that i was raised around mostly all black people and things black people related until i decided i had two feet and a mind of my own and went to explore what i always wanted to anyway. which was the way others are living. when i discoverd rock music was like when i discovered masturbation. i felt like i had gotten a 'one up' in life. it made me comfortable. it understood me. i liked it so much. it was like a secret i had. though my whole family knew what i was discovering and experiencing. 'white music' it was refered to alot back in the day in my home. i remember always being attracted to white boys though. 4th grade or so i have my first memories of "likeing" white boys. every boy that i have had sex with so far has been white. i met this black guy once that i was attracted to. he wanted to fuck right away but i held back. he wasnt pushy. i let him go down on me. but his god issues kept me from experiencing him fully. black men are always hitting on me. well use to. im exhibiting some differnt energy nowadays. not as many men hit on me at all anymore. which im cool with. before i use to always tell them, 'sorry. i only fuck with white guys'. i mean, it was what it was and i didnt want to hide the fact that that was what was going on. got into many an arguments with black men. i have been called a traiter to my race before. first day of school when i transfered colleges i got into it with an boy who was half arab half black. i told him i only dated white boys. that did not sit well with him. wasnt the first time i was in an oral confrontation because i voiced my desire for white men only. the first kiss i had was with a black boy. first first kiss was when i was young. we use to hang out at this building that had the radio station our families would broadcast on. raggae music. spoken word. singing. i remember being on stage and playing house wrapped up inside one of the curtains. i was playing with this boy as my husband. he was "leaving for work" and wanted a kiss goodbye. i was like 7 or 8. 9 at the oldest. that was my first kiss. second was with a black boy. i was 12 or 13. my sisters boyfirends cousin. in the rain. very "sweet". found him kissing another girl the next day at the park. this i felt SHOULD bother me a ton. but it didnt. after that it was white boys only. its not like i made a switch. i remember writing ( i use to write a ton. none stop inmy journal. i needed to do it like breathing back in the day ) and finally just admitting to myself that i really did like white boys. i just did. fought with it a bit. my dad wasnt okay with it at first. and i was still a virgin. i remember he was taking me to the airport and we stopped at a gas station and while he was inside i changed the radio from raggae to some rock. listened while he was inside. then when he came back as he was getting into the car i changed it back. he got so pissed yelled at me it was 'fucking rock music' this ' fucking white music' that. i remember thinking, 'wow. how fucking ignorant' and u know what, that gave me fuel for my "fuck u i fuck with white boys" attitude. huh... so maybe the inner rebel in me likes the idea of being different and going against......that doesnt really seem like so though. i ran with the thought. but it doesnt fit. i think i just accepted this idea that white boys are something that black boys are not. i cant honestly point any stigmas i have towards black men. but there has to be something. some reason why i go for white men as a pre requisite..ok i know my desires are bullshit. personality based. self interesed. mind based. so maybe its just more bullshit. just another desire i need to let go of. stop the expectations. stop the requirements. stop the bullshit. and simply experience.

chaka

so i got chaka back in may. i had one dog inthe past named fluffy. i dont remember where i got her from. she was sprobably a stray i convinced my mother to let me keep. me and fluffy had some good times. i dont remember exavtly how old i was. but i wasnt ready for a dog. i was young. didnt have money to get her shots. but i wanted her. so my mother allowed me to do whatever with the dog. she would get out and i wouldnt be able to find her for a day or so. turns out the younger boys down the street were taking her in when she would get out. their father would find fluffy in his house often. one day fluffy and i were in the front yard and she was standing up on the flower bed. shed started dry heaving then throwing up then throwing up blood then she keeled over and died. i later found out she had parvo. this death didnt affect me that much. i still felt her presence around a bit. i felt that with the parvo, she kinda had to go. i dont remember being pissed i couldnt afford her shots. i kinda remember feeling like, 'hey shes like me. never had any vaccination shots either'. i was ok with taking that "risk" not getting my dog her shots. so then i got chaka. it was around the time where my ex and i were shitty and on our way out. i really wanted a dog. for a while. hadnt had one since fluffy when i was hella young. my ex didnt want me to get a dog. told me no i couldnt have one. when i decided, 'hey this is shitty anyway. we are about to be done because of the bullshit. i am getting a dog.' so i looked online. sites like craigslist. ended up finding chaka on oodle.com. i looked through tons of ads. i wanted a dog that was a smaller breed of dog. but really criteria was cutipie-ocity. i looked at some pictures and found one of chaka and her brother. she was only 8 weeks or so when i got her. i knew she was the one i was going to get when i saw the picture. she was advertised as a crestoxie. i had never heard of that breed of dog before so i looked it up. turns out it is a mix between dashunds (weiner dogs) and chinese cresteds (the usually win the 'ugliest dog in the world contest' every year). another breed we made up. when i contacted the woman turns out she was 2 hours or so away from me. i was definite with my ex about the dog. so definite that it wasnt so much of a fight when i told him i was going to get her. i packed up and left to go get her. it was farther than i thought it would be and i got lost. i was back in the sticks somewhere with no service and no clue where i was. i realised i was gonna have to stop and ask someone for directions or a phone. i drove and saw an older woman hoeing a garden across the street from a house. i pulled over telling her my phone wasnt working and i was lost. she sent me across the street where her daughter allowed me to use the phone. i called the woman that had chaka and she got me turned in the right direction. i was almost to where i needed to get chaka and there were some kids in a pick up in front of me. they tried to make a sudden turn to the left and i smashed right into them like a t bone. i was very surprised at the accident. when we crashed i stopped. looked at the driver of teh other car. the driver looked at me. then looked at his two teenage passengers. then quickly made a b line for the dirt road. i wasnt about to chase them down. so i went on my way. got to chaka. she was covered in shit from having to wait and being nervous. i didnt mind. we got on the road to go home and nearly made it there before the car conked out. the accident had fucked something up in it and in my trying to get home quickly without stopping to let the car rest, i overheated the car. boy was my ex pissed he had to come get me and his car and this dog that he didnt want. and really its not that he didnt want the dog. he just didnt want me to have the dog. he really is fond of dogs in general. but i got chaka. few weeks after that we broke up. chaka and i moved in with my brother and his girlfriend. they didnt/ dont mind chaka at all. they have two dogs. a doberman and a pitbull. both get along great with chaka. having chaka around has taught me so much. is teaching me so much. she really helps to manifest my impatientness and my anger. so i actually see it infront of me. there are times where i am being unreasonable and she will look at me like ' seriously stop it. ' we are getting out communication down. i am having some trouble though. i want to not be controlling over her or impose myself and my bullshit onto her. i dont want to treat her a certain way because its how the world thinks we should treat dogs. i want to let her live and express herself without stifiling her all the time like i see people do with their pets. its all ' be quiet!' ' sit down!' ' be nice!' ' time to eat now!' my brother and his girlfriend say i must be the master and her the slave or dog as they put it. i must teach her how to act and how to behave. i must teach her to respect me using the reward punishment method. they say thats how dogs learn everything. she learns to not potty in the house by getting in trouble when she does and getting praise when she goes outside. they say i must regulate her food because shes a dog. i, myself, dont like being forced to eat. i eat when i am hungry. thats it. i enjoy that about not being under a parental thumb in the when to eat aspect anymore. sometimes im hungry once a day. sometimes through out the day. it depends. so i dont like the whole ' u eat now when i say' thing. i wouldnt like that to be done to me. forced to eat. so i kinda let her eat when she wants. well actually its a battle going on cause i dont really know how to support chaka in her process fully at the moment. i want to let her be without so much dictatorship. i am trying to find the way to support her as she supports me. cause she really supports me a lot. my brother and his girlfriend. when they feed their dogs they, wait first off their dogs act like they never eat. i dont know what that is about. they eat twice a day. but always act like they are starving. they had them on a diet for a while because the vet said they were fat...but when they feed them they make them sit by their bowls and wait. then when the food is in the bowl they have to sit and wait for the green light go ahead. so they sit salavating until whoever is feeding them says okay go ahead. then they devour the food without even tasting it im sure. ibe been going out of town a lot lately so they do the same thing with chaka when i am gone. they say she eats all her food right then and there. mostly because if she doesnt the other dogs will eat her shit. then when i am around i feed her and i feel like i have to do the whole oopla with the 'sit. dont touch it til i say. master/slave' thing. but it never feels right. i wouldnt want it done to me. so i give chaka her food. i make her sit while im pouring it in her bowl. then i let her go if she wants to eat then thats fine. if she wants to eat it later thats fine too. i try not to care when she eats it. and its funny cause if i am hanging out downsstairs when its time for her to eat and i give her her food upstairs she waits til i come up sometimes to even eat. like she wants me to watch her eat. or she will come hang out downstairs and go up to eat when she wants. i think she knows the freedom of eating upstairs versus downstairs with the other dogs. she knows she can leave it and it still be there. i am trying to do what is best for her. my brother and his girlfriend says routine and order is a must have with dogs. i must regulate all about her they say. they say i should get her "fixed". i definitely dont want to do that. i wouldnt want it done to me. but apparently its a must. its funny how we are a nation of " ..and dont forget to spay and neuter ur pets" but we as humans do the same thing with ourselves. we say that because there are so many unwanted pets out there while many of us are still making more. many of them die from brutality or "humanely" cause we arent taking care of the ones we have. so why make more. i get that. we all get that seeing as we are a nation of it as a motto. but we dont see the same thing happening with us. there are so many unwanted children out there while many of us are still making more. many of those children die from brutality cause we dont take care of what is here. why havent we implament some kinda spay and neuter for the problem with unwanted children? we want to say it must me done to the pets while we disregard our place in it all. so yeah i really dont want to "fix" her. i wouldnt want to be fixed. the "problem" with our animal population isnt an animal problem at all. its a human problem. we are the ones making these dogs and crossing these breeds and accepting and allowing the desire for the small ones and puppies and attaching stigma to the older dogs perpetuating the problem cause we dont see that we are the solution. not to spay and neuter ur pets. lots to experience with chaka ahead.

changing my name

wierdness. so andrea hit me with the hi 'tree' (like i am not who i say i am and/or she is seeing this name for the first time) we are required to use our real names to participate on this forum. just wierd. i have known about desteni for a little over two years. just veiwing for a while then starting my process. it was andrea who got me out of a tough spot at one point early in my process. so i thought in email corresopndence i have talked about my name. i guess i am mistaking lol.. but why is it a big deal now? as far as the name being there so people are not able to hide behind them while putting out false words, i get that. which is why everything i do is under the name tree white. now my name is changed to terehas. which will serve as much contradiction because it is not my name. not my facebook name. not my blog name. not my birth name as far as the world is concerned. i dont wirte it anywhere. no one calls me that name. its been let go of in terms of when we found out that my name was legally terhas white. and so i adopted my childhood name tree. its just wierd. and im just so over people telling me what i have to go by and what my name is legally or non or what i am able to write on my papers. its been too many years of that bullshit and i dont see what the big opla is. if anything HAD to be changed it should be changed to terhas. i dont usually care about my name. but when others do, it brings me back to that, 'whats the big fucking deal?' place ive been at when dealing with this whole what is my name thing. if terehas is what they want it to say is my name, then fine. like i say, what is in a name anyway. but for purposes of disclosing who i really am, its wierd.

just writing..

so i have no clue what it is i am going to write about. but writing is needed. so here it goes. no judgement. right now i am sitting in bed. its about 1015am. i have been waking up early lately. i slept in once recently. gave my systems ample time to recharge, ugh. my dog, chaka, has been supporting me. since i got her really. she shows me myself. where my anger hides. my dishonesty between words and actions. the triggers. but she gets up early. i stay with my brother and his girlfriend since i broke up with bobby. and they have two dogs. my brothers girlfriend wakes up early and feeds their dogs before she goes to work. chaka is conditioned to wake when she hears movement of them downstairs. shes wants to eat when the other dogs do. and go out to use the yard. so wether im "tired" or not she gets me up. i end up staying up pretty late most nights. i am working on no more than 7 hours of sleep each night. no more. sometimes less. sometimes my body is like, yeah im rested lets get up. so im trying to listen to my body. even when it tell me "im tired". i have come to rest in tired. as an excuse for not simply moving. getting out of that though. i recall a time when i would sleep all day. just sleep. i dont recall how that affected me though. it was a time ago that i would do that. so sleep is a point i am attempting to face right now. going well. i dont do the 21 days til things. it doesnt seem practical for me. i dont get what 21 days mean when im working on an existence of change. i guess its a starting point. i am also working on the point of masturbation. i fucking love that energy. its addicting. and its crazy because i do not like what i have to do to get to the energy. the viewing of pictures and porn movies. the type of porn i watch is well, its something. and i suppose standing within what i do in those moments will allow me to open up more dishonesty about relationships and secret mind shit. i dont like what i view,but i do. if that makes any sense. i like how it makes me feel. i like the energy in the act of feeling that good. but i dont like what i view. either that or i dont like that i like what i view. deeper deception. i have gone a while without masturbating. but i think thats where i fuck myself,no pun intended :). the resistance i am putting toward the act of masturbating. its not the fact THAT i masturbate, its HOW i masturbate. and i really dont know how to do it any other way. i dont have the self intimacy that i should. i learned how to give myself these "feel good feelings" through masturbation with pictures from HBO lol. sure did. HBO taught me how to masturbate. i watched a show when i was young. about ten or 11. and they showed a woman doing it with the water from a sink or bathtub. i knew people masturbated but i never knew how. so i saw this woman do it. and i tried it. and i was like a young boy who had just found his cock. i did it all the time. whenever i could. at least once a day but that was on a slow day. we didnt have a lock on our bathroom at my house so i was caught a couple of times. once by my brother (im so having resistance writing this lol but i see it as funny. the resistance. so i push through ) so yeah im on the sink right, legs in the air, vagina placed perfectly under the sink fauset lol and my brother walks in. he rused out quickly and i said something about washing something off myself lmao. yeah right! i convinced myself that my lie was sufficient and proceeded. at this point i hadnt seen porn yet. only the occasional freaky movie. so i used the water method. but not all places had good water pressure so that didnt suffice for long once i began to grow up. i think the first porn i actually saw was gay porn. yeah. a gay friend of mine from highschool knew i had never seen any and so he let me borrow one of his. it was "hot" enough. but i had to learn how to stimulate myself without water. so i learned that if i just sat on something where the pressure was on the right spot as i watched porn, then that would do it. so i did. so i never learned to put hand to vagina and stiimulate self accordingly. i learned to take an outside source and stimulate self visually and the physical would follow. ass backwards. so now, my hand and vagina are not intimate. they never allowed themselves to be. so i need to experiement with self intimacy. with just me myself and my hand lol. after 27 years of other shit it is difficult to even fathom. i dont "get myself off" with my own hand. i need visual stimulation or another person. and thats shitty. which is why i have this point with masturbation to address. like i said i havent been watching porn. whenever i feel the urge to watch porn to get that addictive energy im so use to participating in i go on the forum or on youtube and find people who are dealing with the same shit and it makes me "feel better". makes me calm down. its a quick fix. yet not a permanante one. ryan and his videos help me out of that spot often. he deals with this shit also. so i am not alone. last time i was there i found kevins video. he was talking about his 21 day process of stopping alcohol, cigs, weed, and picture masturbation. he "fell" on the point of masturbation, but having him there. knowing he is dealing with it helps me stand. quick fix though. i need to be able to stand alone and stable within myself. a point i am dealing with. i will begin experiementation when it comes to self intimacy.

stuffff

so i found out i am losing my job next friday. its such a janky ass job anyway. i cant find a job that i like doing. im trying to look for something that i can do that isnt so self compromising. when in actuality i'll end up doing the next thing placed available. gotta fucking work. i'll probably end up going to cincinnati bell. which is still doing sales. forcing or fanagling people into buying shit they dont really need and making them care about shit that dont matter in order to make them buy shit they dont need. which is the reason why i stopped going to school. i was tired of dealing with the ends and out bullshit of enducation and learning. i have a very different definition than the educational institutions. my marketing major kept reminding me of the bullshit of the world and all the manipulation there is down to the very core of who we are as a people. i had to stop my participation in this bullshit form of education. i decided if not having a degree makes me a "loser" or "uneducated" or a "failure", then i'll deal with those labels until they are demolished. its better than being a graduate to me.

the boyfriend and i had a fight last night. it hasnt gotten any easier, this relationship, but he did tell me that he actually read all my blogs and everything i ever placed on the forum. so that was cool. even though reading it and getting understanding from it are two different things. so an agreeance between us on things still isnt quite there. i find myself judging him a lot of the time. i need to make a point to stop when i see judgement and unequality attempting to direct me. its been a lot harder to "check" myself on all my bullshit since i have been working and submerged into this job. easier to face myself, but harder to check myself. but ultimately shit is only as "hard" as i allow or manifest it.

...its funny cause my uncle lee died from cancer a week or so ago and when i left the funeral i stopped and got food and headed home. by the time i got home i was getting a call from my bank, which i never do and have never since ive had the card. this guy was calling to tell me he happened to be glancing throught the files and saw that i overdrew my account at the food place. he offered to move a bit from my savings to my checking to cover the overage. i was like wow thanks i had no clue that it was over drawn. i was gonna hang up then something told me to ask what his name was. and he said, its lee. so i told him where i had just come from and he said well i guess i was meant to be glancing there at this moment for u. so i thought that was pretty cool. little adios from my uncle lee i suppose.

things

so i am working now. got a job at a call center. doing sales. swindling people into buying things that im sure i can point out a "benefit as it relates to the person", (thats what the pay me to say) but swindling all the same. its all for the sales. its all for the sales check. its all for the money. to assist and support self at the moment requires i have money. welcome to my way. things with the boyfriend are "getting better". i am trying to compromise more. really just compromising myself. i think. goddammit. being at this job is really taking me away from me.i feel kinda bombarded with the world. the slowing down of things is a lot more difficult now having to interact with people like i do. people fucking suck. i fucking suck. working where i do just allows me to again live how shicety and fucked the world is. working at any job is the same way for me...i am not being completely honest with myself lately. i am so confused about what honesty is anymore...and breathing isnt helping.

self forgiveness-picking myself

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pick myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as vanity.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to exist as life in every moment.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself based on the perseptions of others.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from others.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my self as "below" others because of my physical appearance.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to correlate what i see when i look in the mirror and success.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowiong myself to exist as beauty.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as ugly.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see picking as a solution to a problem.
i forgive msyelf for accepting and allowing myself to see the reflection in the mirror as a problem.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the reflection in the mirror as real.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see picking myself as fixing myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame because i have pimples.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ugly because i have pimples.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my face.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my face.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry about the way i look.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pick every sore or scab on my body.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breath and direct self in every moment.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be one within and as my physical body.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a slave to advertisments.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go to school for four years to learn how to make people feel sorry for themselves.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see me going to school as being successful when it was simply following suit.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop participation in the school system long before i did.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about going back to finish my marketing degree in order to please those around me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think the way to relate to those around me is to please them.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to relate to those around me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others as better than myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in separation from others.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others.