breakfast with a fly

since i began to realise myself within oneness of all life and all that is here i have a different relationship with insects. i didnt have a fear of them before, but i also didnt have a care for them either. i wouldnt hesitate to pick up a shoe or any smashing object to kill a roach or fly or any insect really. in doing that i really disconnected myself for apart of myself as one and equal with what is here, which is other life known as insects. complete and utter superior attitude we have for everything, but specifically insects in this case for myself. so as i have become to realise myself as a part of all life, i see myself within the insects now. if there is one in the house, or whomevers house im in, i will go get something to swoop it up and take it outside. not from the starting point of a 'savior construct' but as a point of respect for the life within the insect being. and also accounting for the current fact that what people do in this instance, is robotically kill the insect that is in "our" space. theres been many a times that someone is going to find a shoe im and like, "relax, there is no need for that, lemme get a cup." i mean, its a simple as that. care is. my sister said to me one day some time ago, " damn when u really say ur gonna do something, u do it." i was getting a moth that was attracted to the light in the living room that my siblings wanted to smash. it was just what needed to be done. i would like to get to a point where ALL things that just need to be done are done within me as "easy" as realising respect for all insects. i was having a bowl of cereal with soy milk yesterday morning and a fly was landing on me :). it would sit on my knee and watch me eat or fly on the bowl and watch me eat. it hung out for a while as i ate my breakfast. i got down to the last bit of milk. my legs were crossed and the fly sat on my knee. i drank the milk but left a spoon of some. i put it down towards my knee and the fly came up into the spoon and drank some milk. it was really cool :) had breakfast with a fly :)

sucklings

for a pig to be considered a suckling it must still be suckling. meaning the little one is still fed on its mothers milk. at no more than a month old (between the ages of 2 to 6 weeks), we rip these sucklings away from their mothers to kill it and eat it. this really shows the cruel nature that we have allowed of ourselves. its not the fact THAT we eat animals. its HOW we go about the shit that reveals the dismissive cruelty in us. even though we eat animals to live doesnt mean that we cannot support them to have a life of dignity up until that point where they support us. within an equal money system the basis for action is what is best for all. so there will be NO eating of sucklings. its cruel and unneccessary and unacceptable within what is best for all. all pigs will live a dignified life within and equal money system that supports a dignified life for ALL. not just human beings. all beings. we will no longer rip the young from its mother to feed our greed. cause thats what it is doing. not just "trying out a different form of pig". its more than that. its the unneccessary abuse of animals to create a "better" experience for ones self. all are not considered within that. the pig is not considered within that. i mean, would we want our child ripped from our arms at 2 weeks only to be killed for the amusement of someones ego?



this is a child. not a human child, but a child nonetheless..

there is a fungus among us

i was watching bizarre foods earlier today. the guy was in tiawan trying all kinds of local dishes. he had just finished eating at a place that cooked everything with different types of tea. even had deep fried tea leaves. they use different types of teas for differnt physcial ailments or to increase support to certain areas of the body. very interesting. but afterward the guy was taken to this store with all these dry roots and barks and leaves and all kinds of stuff. the guide tells him of some of the uses for certain things around and then leads him to a cabinet in the store. the guide opens the cabinet saying "u must see this". he pulls out a nicely packaged red and gold box and says "this may look like worms but its actually a fungus! its GREAT for the lungs! want to know how great?" the bizarre foods guy says, yes. the guide tells him," well, in american money one pound would cost u 8 thousand dollars." --- ok, so i have been looking to see if i could find information on this fungus and what it actually does for the lungs but i was not able. though i see that the point of 'making things that will help all and should be available to all only available to those with money' can still be looked at. say we find a fungus among us that has the capabilities to assist greatly in the restoration of lung function. instead of seeing the importance to the world as a whole we look at how we can profit from it. though the fungus will provide physical support to bodies, that point is disregarded in favor of how much money can be manipulated out of those bodies by holding death above our heads or the promise of a superior experience of ones self compared to other-selves. we have an outright price on life currently! im certain we are allowing people to die for things we have cures for if we allow people to die for lack of money to buy food. there really is no telling what we are capable of doing at this point because we accept and allow secrecy and greed and fear to direct us. food, clean water, shelter, health care, education, opportunity, access, THESE are rights. its fucking bullshit to see ourselves within this disrespect that we have for the physical.. and its such a clear point to see within our world. there is no debating its fact nor its unacceptability. money should NOT be the deciding factor on if someone lives or dies with dignity.

opinions

i was talking to my brother and sister the other day about this post a friend of mine made on facebook. she posted a status saying to forgive her if she wasnt overly sensitive to the plight of those who just went through hurricane irene because when we went through hurricane andrew back in 1992 we were out of power for 3 months. i was saying how it was really crazy that we can go through something like we did in hurricane andrew all to create accept and allow superiority within ourselves because we lived through it. like we did anything really to deserve to live through it anymore than those who died did anything to deserve to die in it. many survivers of something feel that they are either in debted to something or owed something for surviving. its crazy how we attached these feelings to certain situations and how those feelings lead us to react in a certain matter when faced with similar emotion invoking situations. i was basically saying how the statement in the status is a disregard of life as a whole and disregarding of the care that one should have for another as one would like another to have for them. its a big 'fuck u' to those dealing with hurricane irene and a 'dont even try it' to anyone in any future hurricanes that dont meet the death toll and power outtage time of hurricane andrew for which my friends care, in situations of a hurricane, is dependent on the andrew comparison. my brother jumps in saying, "thats the thing. that is HER opinion. u cant tell someone what to think or feel. people are entitled to their own opinion." i had to take a moment to consider this statement.. i said to him, well lets look at opinions as a whole. not just her opinion to not care for beings that have not been through what she had been through, but all opinions. some peoples opinion is that it is ok/cool/acceptable to molest children. some peoples opinion is that it is ok/cool/acceptable to murder someone they dont like. some peoples opinion is that it is ok/cool/acceptable to treat another like worthless garbage. some peoples opinion is that its ok/cool/acceptable to beat baby seals to death with a bat. some peoples opinion is that its ok/cool/acceptable to rape and beat on a woman. in actuality, everyone is NOT entitled to their own fucking opinion. cause all of our "own opinions" are fucking abusive. we accept and allow the "everyones entitled to their own opinon" bullshit without even considering what an opinion is and the possibilities and actualities that are 'peoples opinions'. opinions create seperation between self and others as well as provide fuel to the ego. for one can always find self at the top of all statements that contain the words 'in my opinion'. fuck "my opinon" about something. what are the facts about said thing. what is verifyable without anyones self interest as a basis. opinions are not needed within equality. because all are doing what is best for all. in everything, all are considering what is best for all. that requires no ones opinion.

work

so working at this place again has been a interesting experience. i havent worked here since 2008. when i worked there before i was smoking cigs all the time and i was addicted to caffiene. i mean, at that point i wasnt taking responsibility for myself and my body and my sleep and my wake and many other things. so rain sleet or snow every break or lunch i was outside smoking like a chimney. and every morning i got coffee and every lunch a dew. dew has the most caff in it i was told. so i used that and coffee to get me through working this 3rd shift job where i am up when i would "normally" be sleep. so now that i have been off cigs and the caff for months now the experience is quite different. its funny, i stopped these things within myself by myself but i was not able to truely realize myself within smoking cigs and drinking the caff all the time until i am stopped and see me as i was in other people. as they rush by me during our set in stone 15 min breaks or 30 min lunches, i see them as me and literally see how i disregarded all around me to get what i felt i NEEDED. and then how i bitched about how "unbareable" the conditions outside were (too cold/too hot) but id deal for a drag or three of a cig. that nicotine "fix" that i was willing to do much for. and then the caff/coffee. i mean, fuck. this is the greatest form of a legal acceptable "drug" if i ever seen one. i see many i work with drink at lease 3 cups in our 8 hour shift and 1 cup before the shift even starts. i get to literally see how i disregaded my responsibility for myself by accepting the idea that i cannot get through a 3rd shift without tons of coffee. if i did not get my coffee even if i was not tired id manifest the experience for myself. i allowed coffee to direct me instead of directing myself. and i see many doing that now that i am stepped back and seeing others as myself. there is an huge office building across from the square where all the buses pick up. a fifth third bank building. and in that building is a dunkin donuts. i went in to keep warm while i waited for my bus to go home. its about 8am so as im ending my day most are starting theirs. i watched many many people come from outside to get coffee or donuts and many many many people coming down from everywhere within the building money in hand looking like they NEEDED this coffee to get them through the day. if they day had enjoyment, it began with coffee. bopping up and down in line waiting. i remember being a "regular" at this place. now , the last time i walked into this building i was rushing in with three dollars in hand and the words "plain bagle with cream cheese and a large coffee" spilling out of my mouth. i use to run in here at the risk of missing my bus and not making it to work on time (either ur on time or ur not there at this job). i use to scrounge those three dollars on top of what i pay for bus fare and i did it feeling like it HAD to be done "or else". i had such great fear of falling asleep at work. if u fall asleep u are fired. that is it. a girl actually got fired today for sleeping. she slept yesterday and they gave her a second chance. she slept today and they made an announcement that we are not to sleep ever here. she fell asleep again and they told her to leave. now before when i worked here, there were no second chances. so i was in constant fear that i would fall asleep and lose my jjob so i created this "crazed coffee drinking, mountain dew devouring, quick smoking coocoo woman". now, i am able to see myself as i was, as we are. i try to be straight forward with people but not ...pushy i guess the word is. when someone sneezes at work everyone in singsongs "bless u". i ask aloud "why? why do we all say bless u?". no one wanted to touch that one. one guy who i had been having a common sense conversation goes " because that what we were taught to say by our parents when someone sneezes". i said now thats an honest answer and the only reason. "bless u" doesnt actually DO anything. or i heard two neighbors i was sitting next to having a converstation about random bullshit. then they started to talk about religion and i joined in. one was a christian and he was speaking about jesus and god and adam and eve and i was pointing out blatent inconsistencies in the stories and the idea of whos interpretation the bible is. showed that none of us follow the simple principle of -love thy neighbor as thy self- consistantly. and that is the most simple of points jesus tried to make while here. he agreed with my points. i starting talking about religions in general and how similar the points of seperation are. he mentioned something about terrorist and killing people and i told him that however christianity is the only religion in which u can be shitty ur entire life, rob, kill,cheat, rape, torture and then right before death accept jesus into ur heart and go to heaven. i asked him what sense did that make. he looked surprised and said true. i have gained this stigma, not a bad stigma or good stigma, as the girl who goes THERE lol. a new girl asked me for my advice. he father had just died a couple days ago and the funeral was today. at our job we are able to miss two days then we are fired. she already missed one because of an issue with the bus not being on time. and she would have to miss friday and saturday to go to another state for the funeral. there was her, myself and two or three other girls there. she asked what she should do. the other girls told her that she should go to the funeral no matter what, its her father, u'll regret it if u dont, and all this other stuff. i was quiet while they stated why she should go. then she asked, what do u think tree. i said, "well.." and they other girls go, "here she goes" and they laugh. i smiled and continued on to tell her that if she needs this job to assist and support herself then she should not miss days and get fired. point blank. her father wouldnt want her to compromise her life to look at his death. we all experience death but we can let it take us or let it go. i told her her father inst going to give a shit if she comes or not and shit like that is no longer his concern anyway. she said she understood. but she went anyway.

point of desire/acceptance

so i have been dealing with this point for a while. desire. desire to know why. desire to be accepted. desire to understand. desire to be understood. desire for approval. this point is coming up again realising that many people have me blocked on facebook. desteni people. when i realised that one person had blocked me i went into this cycle of, "whatever" then "come on, seriously?" then "what the fuck?!" then "ok. i cant see u, u cant see me either. block back!" then the realisations came.. "stop the seperation. an eye for an eye is the epitome of ignorance. who r u to judge anyone else in their process? who r u to "look down" on someone because u dont "like" what they have done? who r u to seek actions of revenge on someone? if u deem someone else "unworthy" then u deem urself "unworthy" ". and i stopped that "revenge blocking" bullshit. all these points of desire are coming up realising there are a good number of people that have me blocked. desire to know why i am being blocked. desire to know why i am being seperated. desire to be accepted by these people. desire to understand what makes someone would feel they needed to block me. desire for approval from these people. and i think this point goes a lot deeper within me. root tree... ok i have always had this "thing" about not wanting to let people go. always wanting to keep every single "friend" ive ever had. every single "lover" i have ever had. most of the men ive ever had sex with i still talk to or could reconnect with with ease. ( im digging into the sex relationship point. i already know the flowers. getting to the roots is where self honesty needs complete deletion of self deception) most of the friends ive ever had are still around. and if they arent its most likely not cause we have stopped "being friends". ive always felt comfort in the idea that i didnt really get rid of people. i think the root of that is the fact that my dad left us and moved away when he couldnt find work where we were. i created a resentment of him that. i felt betrayed and pushed aside. i carried that resentment with me into highschool. where i had a friend that meant THE WORLD to me and she ended up leaving me when she got a boyfriend. its funny cause neither my father nor this friend LITERALLY left me. i was left by them both emotionally. and that fucked me. i accepted and allowed myself to fuck myself. fucking emotions. and i created this "thing" about not wanted to let anyone go. ever lol. wow. ok.so cool this point is brought up. its all a bunch of bullshit. desire in and of itself. cause i know that desire is useless. its actions that move things into manifestation. not desires. desire as u may, desire as u might. what r u going to DO about it?. i need to focus on my process. continue to get my shit sorted out. not worry or desire to know why the next person is doing what the fuck they are doing. but stay focused here on my process. if i feel judged by someone it is actually me judging myself. if i seek approval from someone it is actually me seeking approval from myself. if i feel someone is seperating me, its actually me existing in seperation.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in seperation.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that anything put towards another MUST be brought back to self. every time.
i forgive myself for aceepting and allowing myself to create this idea of comfort in keeping.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this idea that its "better" to keep every emotionally charged connection.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that anything but ME can "make" me feel rejected.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, in every moment, that i am the controller of that which i experience within me.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to shift blame to self responsibility.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait to write about this point abling myself to uncover the root.
i forgive myself for accpeting and allowing myself to carry resentment towards my father.
i forgive myself for accepeting and allowing myself to carry resentment towards my "bestfriend".
i forgive myself for accpeting and allowing myself to ignore this point of resentment towards my father and friend because this point has presented its self before and was ignored by not existing, in every moment, in self honesty. ignoring is ignorance.

rooting for the root

so marlen has helped to open me up and let me see that i must go deeper in the points i deal with. so in looking at points from now on i will not focus so much on that which has come forth but from where it came. the root of the point. when a baby is searching for food or trying to eat (support themselves) they root for it. the boob. they search for it. rooting. so i shift my focus from the flowers to the roots.

in looking at the root of the point of laziness i see that i created/accepted/allowed this idea that laziness "works" "good enough". what i saw around me were people not really trying, but they were still able to "get by". or if they were trying their hardest, as in the case of my mother, they still werent able to "get a leg up" and live life full. it was all just "getting by". what i saw growing up was that living was fucking hard as fuck. i saw my mother and father struggle. uncles and aunts struggling. i created this idea of "why even fucking try". i didnt feel like we did enough. enough for one another. enough for the world. but the way i saw people participating in the world through the media and the examples i had of those around me helped me to created this pedestal in which i placed the idea of being lazy or "getting something for nothing". my parents were not 9 to 5ers. my dad grew and sold weed growing up and we "got by". my mom worked as a midwife delivering babies at our home growing up. expected mothers would stay with us many days while giving birth on their own time. but because of who she was i dont think she ever charged anyone. she enjoyed doing the work because she enjoyed doing the work. period. but that selflessness was not "good enough" for the world. it didnt work in the world we live in. she couldnt keep that selflessness going and also support herself and her children. i dont think she ever thought of it that way though. my dad quit growing and selling weed but couldnt find a job and moved away. then my mother found her own way of "getting by". worked when she could where she could. gave 100% of herself but still was only able to "get by". and that was barely. i remember my oldest sister was going through shit with school and life and focusing. decided she was going away to job corps. a place that is supposed to be school and job training. i thought of it as a college. it was a "big deal" in my eyes. well she went away and came back a slightly different person. she was in a gang and dressed different and talked differnt. people saw her as cool. i recall thinking that she went off to do something but ended up doing nothing really and now shes in a gang and shes cool and doing nothing. and its "working" for her. lead me to shape this idea of laziness "working". and laziness as what people do. i had a couple of points of "crazy" at age 13 or so. i use to think so much itd give me bad headachs. just think and think. about every situation i was in, everyone around me, too much shit. sometimes i couldnt stop the thoughts and shit. itd make me feel crazy. one intense time i wrote it all out that was going on in me while it was going on in me. i was in a daze cause i really didnt feel like it was me writing when i was writing it. read it over after i had "calmed down". it was insane ramblings. felt like i was going crazy. i was afraid of myself as i was when i couldnt stop my thoughts and mind. i told myself after that, that i would not care about things so much. that caring too much made u go crazy in this world. that id just lay back. be easy. just "get by" to never have to face myself as i was that day. to never have to face that "craziness" in me. to never have to face all the bullshit within me. to never have to face the 'oh please. fuck u' the world would give me if i tried too hard (cause of the idea i created that try as u may try as might, they world doesnt fucking care and will chew u up and spit u out). to never have to face that ugly side of myself/us/the world. i created this idea that just "getting by" was ok with me. that i was ok with it. school fueled this point of laziness because it was so "easy" for me to be lazy within all that had to do with school because i didnt have to try to "get by". so "just getting by" was what i did. point of laziness = fear of facing self (fear of full potential). k cool. the root.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing the idea that laziness "works".
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing the idea that "getting by" was "good enough" for me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing the created idea that all people are "just getting by".
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself based on what i saw people participating in in the media.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself based on what my parents experienced.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself based on my judgements of that which i saw around me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the outside to influence my inside.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my "crazy" on the fact that i cared too much.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing my created idea to make me feel its ok to not care.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my sisters experience at job corps helping to create the idea that laziness and "getting by" was "cool".
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the idea that people would see me as "cool" if i didnt try but still "got by".
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing the creation of this personality of a lazy person.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that in creating this personality of a lazy person i allowed it to influence every part of the experience of myself so far.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that creating an idea based on another experiene is not directing self its being directed.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing my judgement of an experience to direct me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing judgement within me.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that things must be lived or else they are simply information.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this idea of laziness in which accepted and allowed based on what someone else had lived.
i forgive myseld for not accepting and allowing myself to see that this point of laziness is fear of facing myself and all that i have accepted and allowed.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that in fearing myself, i fear the world.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that in facing myself, i face the world in turn.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see me as seperate from the world.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that this created idea of laziness helped me to feel seperate from the world even though i accepted and allowed it based on my thinking that it is what everyone was doing in the world.
i forgive myslef for not accepting and allowing myself to see that i created this idea of laziness to not have to address the fear of myself.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that i created this idea of laziness to not have to address the fear of the world.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create limitation within me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to willingly exist within limitation.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on the world.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this idea of laziness becasue i fear my full potential.