exposing the point of dishonest/anger/blame/holding on to or wanting to hold on to parts of my ex.

so i had this conversation via email with my ex that id like to expose. the last time we saw one another we argued about him getting tested. the last time we spoke he was telling me that the girl he started sleeping with after me had died.

ME-going to get a check up tomorrow at planned parenthood. not that i have been
having unprotected sex, but i need a check up. talking to them and reading up on
chlamydia lets me know that there is a good chance that i am infertile. meaning
i wont be able to have children. if u catch it right away it doesnt have a
chance to cause pelvic inflammatory disease causing pain during sex and scaring
the fullopian tubes causing infertility. but u had it before we got together,
and i didnt find out i had it til we had been together for over a year. so it
was there in me for a while. caused pain sometimes when we had sex but i brushed
it off. just got through it cause i wanted to please u even though it hurt me.
which is why i have tried to stop "just pleasing" people. is so hard. stopping
something uve done for so long. but doing things to please despite common sense,
thats not whats best. thats not whats best for all. i dont know if i am. and i
dont think u can find out without fertility test or trying to concieve without
success. i didnt take all this into consideration when i found out that i had
it. so its just kinda hitting me....i wasnt planning on children and im not
telling u this as a guilt trip or some shit. blame serves no purpose at all. but
i just wanted someone else to know. i talk about most things with people, but i
havent talked to anyone about possibly being infertile. with all the people
around me getting pregnant i wouldnt be able to have a sensible conversation
with anyone about it without being fawned over or pityed. and i cant have that.
i dont want that. i want people to change their ways. not to feel bad for me.
but to stop doing the shit that creates situations like this. i keep telling
myself NOT to feel and react how one would think people normally would. with
anger and blame and worry and fear. and that being infertile wouldnt make me any
less of a woman or a whole person anymore than having a cock makes u a man. its
the mind that plays tricks and initially makes me want to hate and project this
hate onto whomever. its me that knows that would help no one. just wanted to let
u know.

much dishonesty in this email. what i wanted was for him to talk to me. to care about me and show it. to know the possibility that i might be infertile because of the situation we went through. which is displayed in my next email to him when i didnt get a reply within my self appointed time length. anger and "neediness" displayed as well.


ME-theres nothing u want to say to me? nothing at all? ur friend dies and as soon
as i find that out i dont hesitate to call u. couldnt even finish the email
before i was on the phone calling u. even though u asked me how i was doing, but
obviously didnt care about the answer. just a buffer so u could tell me (girls name)
died. even though u assumed i didnt like her (though if u can honestly recall i
never said in ill word towards her). even though u told me to try and make me
feel bad or whatever ur motive was behind telling me that of all the things u
could say to me. even though i told u that if u cared for her like u
claimed u'd continuously voice how unsafe her actions was to her health. even
though we werent talking. even though we got into a fight about u playing
the unsafe std game and fearing the process of getting tested. ur 29. a grown
man. and this shouldnt be the first time nor like pulling teeth for u to get
tested. its important. soooo very important to KNOW. people are spreading
stdiseases and they dont know it. and many dont even care. but considering our
situation, that goes without saying. which is why u being with (girls name) like u
were upset me. not so much because u were seeing someone else. though i will be
honest, i did not like that. cause of my ego and i love u and wanted us to fix
things. not see other people. but many girls and guys have chlamydia and dont
even know it. reading up on it and the infertility that can be caused i found
countless forums of different girls telling the same story over and over and
over and over. many girls were just like me. went against better jugement and
had unprotected sex before doing the practical thing, going with our new
partners to get tested and display enough care for one another to take the
initiative to KNOW. instead we did what felt good. what was in our self
interest. and now many dont know if they are infertile or not. many knew the
risk and were still promiscuous with many guys unprotected. many had no clue
where they even got it from. but i digress, even though u didnt answer my many
calls or return my calls when i called. i still continued to call u til u
answered. because i care for u. period. unconditionally. no matter what u did to
me. no matter what happened between us. i always just wanted u and i to support
one another truely. not just financially. not just emotionally. but on a even
grander scale than that. love has no conditions. its unconditional. love is not
exclusive. it includes all. has no limitations. thats what makes the word love
real. not just a word people say to manipulate other people in self interest...
well im off. i just wanted some words from u before i went in to talk to these
people. something. anything. ive been hesitant to see other people. but i now
know that u will never care for me like i care for u. and if u do, it wont be
because of anything i do or say. cause ive done and said it all.

tons of dishonesty here. its fucked cause i KNOW that we are not supportive together. i know that we cannot be in a practical agreement at this point in our processes or maybe even ever. but i feel like there is some kinda hold over me with my ex. though i know i am in total control over that which i experience. i see my attempt at manipulation of him with the sentence "ive been hesitant to see other people. but i now know that u will never care for me like i care for u."
i manipulated a ton when we were togther. i knew for a while that we couldnt work but i kept trying and trying and trying and trying to make it work anyway. making shit more difficult actually. keeping him around just to have someone around maybe? i didnt have trouble having someone around before though.


HIM-I really hope you're ok. I'm just now reading all this.

When did u call?? I don't have a bunch of missed calls or anything.

I was hesitant to get tested cause I hate needles and didn't want to go alone. I got tested out here and I ended up with my vision blurring on me then my speech started repeating till my temp went crazy and I puked hard. I lost like all color and had to lay down, they wouldn't even let me drive home. Needles do not agree with me at all. My tests came back fine and I've got a copy of the papers.

I would feel horrible if you couldn't have kids from what we went through. I really truly hope that is not the case.

You know I had more love for you then I knew how to handle. I kept on trying over and over. I do wish I could be there so you have someone going through this. You really confuse me, when I'm there and wanting to try it felt like I was dealing with a closed door but if I try to move on then you're upset with me.

It really hurt me the day you said you loved everything the same. I'm not like that, love to me means I value that person above myself. I'll always love you that will never change. You're a huge part of my life that changed my perception on many things and showed me other sides of the world. I never wanted to lose you.

I hope you're ok

Love
(his name)


ME-i didnt say in the email that i called u for this situation. i said when u told
me what happened in that email about (girls name), i was on the phone trying to call
u. i called u a ton and u didnt answer. i texted u and u didnt reply. i waited.
u never called back. i called u again even despite all the shit that went on
with us. didnt make any assumptions about why u were emailing me this
considering we hadnt talked and fought last time we did. there was no hesitation
to call u. i do wonder what ur motive was for emailing me that. but i guess
thats something u have to honestly answer for urself.
i just really needed u to say something before going in to my appointment. say
something to calm me. not real ising, i direct the calm in me. just like i
direct sadness, and happiness. i am in control of that which i experience. which
is why i have come to accept my shared responsibility for what happend in
totality with us.
im glad u went and got tested. glad ur clean and clear and know it. next time
try breathing through ur misconceptions of needles. figure out why u feel the
way u do about needles. try pinpointing when u accepted the idea that needles
dont agree with u. and what purpose that feeling about needles serves. to
practically care for urself u will need to interact with needles. im sure u
worked urself up into quite a pre-needle mind fuck, u were bound to act out
those needle thoughts. (i.e. throwing up, sweats, temp change) thoughts and
emotions can be so dibilitating if we allow them to be.

i talked to the doctor and she said that the pain from PID which causes the
infertility would have been unmistakably unbareable. that a bit of pain from the
sex was probably because of the infection, but if it would have caused PID i
would have known it. so im not thinking of it anymore.
we have different definitions of trying. of course i was upset that u moved on.
we were together for two years. and when we broke up i told u that YOU were the
controller of how the break up went. u decided that it should go this way. u
could have made it go another way. by actually hearing me and the things i was
saying. im sure u dont have a clue what i said when we broke up. im sure u dont
have a clue why we broke up. u didnt want to hear me. u wanted to listen to what
u wanted to listen to and then react to it. and i admitt i did the same often
within the relationship before the breakup. so i dont know why i was surprised
that u were mirroring and reflecting my actions back to me. (the way of the
world). we could have taken time to get our shit together. but thats not what u
wanted. u didnt want to change anything about urself. i have changed so much
about me since we broke up. took into consideration the things u didnt "like"
about me. things i didnt "like" about myself. things i dont like in the
world. my smoking cigs. my attitude in general. how i treat people in general. i
understand u listen to me when i talk about things, but u dont hear me. yes. i
want to love everything/everyone equally. i havent fully gotten there. i am only
human and im trying. but yes. to love something as i love myself is more
practical than placing someone above me and myself below a person. not
participating in the polarity that is superiority/ inferiority.
above/below. right/wrong. cause in actuality all those are two sides of one
single coin. i am then able to show anyone the respect and care i woud show
myself. thats me being the change i want to see in the world. the only practical
way to change is to change self. and u may think u loved me above urself, but u
did not. and if u have a look at our two years, and break that word love down to
a simple unadulterated honest definition, we can see that neither of us showed
each other the true meaning of the word. which is why we didnt work. i wont stop
changing myself. i know u dont want to change with me. letting u go is the
hardest thing i have ever had to do. i will never ever stop loving u robert.
know this. i couldnt if i tried. if me emailing u or communicating with u makes
it hard for u to move on, then i will look at the mirror reflection and admitt
that talking to u also makes it hard for me to move on. and though it KILLS me,
i stop.
guess this is goodbye.

i still see me blaming him a bit in this email. masked with self responsibility. bullshit. dishonest. every moment. every statement i must be able to stand within and as life. (*point of blame-SF required)

HIM-I don't believe at all that the needles thing is entirely mental and like many things relates back to my blood sugar problems.
I did the regular and herpes tests so it required 2 things of blood, I ate on my way to the place, drank orange juice before I took the test, they used a small needle, I didn't look at it and I was totally calm before it started.
She did a great job getting the needle in with no problems, I was ok through the first tube then during the second I felt my sugar levels drop like an absolute stone. I was in the middle of a sentence and my vision blurred on me then I started repeating what I was trying to say and couldn't complete the thought even, then my body temp went insane, my head was covered in sweat within a few seconds. I've never liked needles or being cut or pierced at all, I never had a truly traumatic experience to instill that fear in me. I believe on a much more basic level its' my body's self defense knowing it can't regulate my levels during blood loss.

You and I were never able to get to the same page as to just how much my blood sugar levels truly affected me and how best to deal with it together cause I did need help with it. I've learned a lot since we dated about my physical problems with food/blood sugar and how severely it affects me. I know now that a huge portion of the problems I suffered from during our time were related to our awful diet and timing of food and not putting my physical health needs first. You've accused me many many times of not truly listening to you, to be fair you never truly listened and cared about my problem and I know we talked about it early on in our relationship. The solution of screaming at me as to why I didn't eat without you was not a solution but a way to pass the responsibility all back on my shoulders when I did need help with my problem. Yes you did cook for us and I appreciated that but it was more contingent on your needs and your ability/need to smoke then on our actual health needs. These days I try to stop and think about my food / when I ate last / etc... whenever I start to feel off or emotional or irrational to try and resolve things but I'm still learning and it's not something I can deal with once in a while. The more I learn about it the more it's truly something I have to consider on a daily basis as I do get very unstable and affected strongly by my blood sugar levels.

I really don't recall seeing that many missed calls at all from you so I don't know if I didn't get them or what happened.

I reached out to tell you about her passing I guess just to have someone to talk to about it cause it was a very tough thing to go through. In the end no amount of talking could have prepared me for that funeral, I've never been to an open casket before and that is by far one of the most freighting and difficult things to ever see in your life. Her family was really supportive and awesome through it all, she was able to fill the church to standing room only.

I'm glad the doctor was able to relieve some of your fears, I'd have felt terrible if you couldn't have kids because of me. I always thought you'd be a great mom one day, I loved how you were with Bill's kids and being there with me through all that.

I have looked at our 2 years and that's complete and utter bullshit to claim I didn't truly love you. Do you remember anything about me or us? I turned my life upside down to be with you, I changed everything to give us a chance and let no one stop me. I supported you for 2 years straight for your every want and need. I did my job of providing a safe home for us, I supported you in every effort you made to better your own career, I always made you feel physically wanted/attractive and tried to show that affection & interest every day even when you pushed me away. I gave you everything I had to give every day, yes I had my faults but nobody can love you the way I did and go through the things you put me through and still love you. We fought hard and long about many things but when you break it all down we had everything we ever needed to be happy. We had a safe home, each other, food on the table, pets to care for, cars to drive, tv to watch & guitar hero to play :) Our internal bullshit ripped us apart because frankly the desire to be "right" was stronger then the desire to compromise and work together. You never valued what I provided and just blew it off as just "financial", which is wrong, very wrong. I worked hard all the time and yes you cleaned & cooked but you couldn't just be happy with that it had to be a fight that I wasn't doing half of your work while you did none of mine. When you worked it wasn't to help us it was always to help yourself.

I had and still do have some issues from our relationship, I internalized a lot of the negativity you sent at me till I felt many things were my fault but I've realized a lot in the past few months. I've realized I'm not a bad person or crazy or wrong for having a high sex drive. I've learned that I do have serious blood sugar problems worse then I ever thought, that yes you are right I do have to be ok with not having sex every day and finding a way to not let that make me feel unwanted and unloved as I did have a huge complex from our sex life. All the problems we had made me feel horrible inside about having strong physical desires and having crazy emotions. I always felt you were amazingly beautiful to me and I always wanted to have sex with you, I no longer feel guilty for that. I do feel guilty for letting my love for you to allow myself to be put through the emotional abuse of all the rejection. No matter the reasons why I fully believe it was very morally wrong to manipulate our sex life.

I let a lot of things get way out of hand in our relationship and I should have been much more firm on where we stood in our relationship. We never should have moved in together without first setting down rules for who's doing what for us to have a home. That was a bad mistake from day 1 as we both had different views of what we were responsible for and I'm sorry for that. My love made me very blind as I wanted to be with you that bad. I never should have felt guilty for not cooking or cleaning but by the same token I should have done it willingly more often.

How in the world can you say I was in control of how the break up went? You walked out on me and our home.
When I tried hard to save things you got angry, when I stopped trying you got angry, when I physically moved on you hated me. I never wanted to move on to other people at all, even when I did I got yelled at cause I refused to delete your pictures from my phone and woke up in tears from you calling out to me in my sleep.
I was never ready for us to be over, even when we fought like cats and dogs I never felt in my heart that I wanted to be without you. Even when you were yelling at me as you're picking up the last of your stuff all I wanted was for the pain to end and just to have you back in my arms and be ok.

I did listen to you, but if you ever listen to yourself like truly listen you'll find contradiction, tons of it. There was no right answer with you, there was never a way or a path that I could follow to find that happiness with you.
You can ask anyone that knew us and everyone knows that I loved you.

I'll never understand the root cause for the anger in you at me and us. No matter the hell we put each other through my love was always stronger for you then all of that bs meant to me.
I know I was a good person and treated you well, I just wish you could see the good I always had in my heart for us. Only way I can really show you that the view of us as a horrible couple being wrong is to ask you to look at our pictures, look at how we really were, I have tons and tons of photos of your smiling face being happy & loved. Those moments are what count at the end of the day, the fights and the anger is all pointless in the end, all that really ever mattered is the good times. I'll always have fond memories of you, I think about you every day and still miss you. I never wanted this to end... never. I still have every picture of us we ever had on every wall, I only took them down so I could stop collapsing in tears and pain from missing & loving you, I never took them down out of anger... It hurt my feelings a lot when you told me you sold your wii and everything like was just a toy cause to me it was a strong memory of all the effort it took to find everything for you and how happy you were playing it and watching you and piny rock out together.. guess I'm just sentimental sometimes.

If you have to walk away from me to be ok for you then do it for you because I don't need you out of my life to have a life. I miss talking to you.

Sorry if this email lost it's cohesiveness, I can't type much more, tears & emotions running wild.. i still love you so much, you still affect me so much still right down to the core.

ive totally lost my train of thought... i love you



ME-u affect me so much as well. i hate that we cannot see eye to eye. that email
doesnt show much self responsibility for anything that happened with us. the
things that actually tore us apart. and we are both responsible. equally. if u
must, continue to blame me and not see urself within it all. because thats what
u did in that email. a lot of blaming. not a lot of self responsibility.
wether u blamed all the things on me, not seeing urself within it all or u
blamed things on ur blood sugar, not seeing urself within it all. u dont even address the things that tore us down. ur attitude. ur anger. ur output. ur inability to see. i begged u to help me fix shit before i left. u ignored me. and thats not the fault of the blood sugar or me. and that is what caused the anger i had towards u. ur dismissal of the issues and things i felt were important. not that
my anger was justified. it was fucking ignorant actually. i should have handled
things in a completely different way. and i dismissed what u said about ur
eating. however that must be a self responsibility. i understand helping to
maintain it but u took no physical action to stop it from affecting ur
life/mood/attitude as it did. im glad that ur taking the initiative to maintain
ur blood sugar now. fucked up that it took going through our relationship to see
that its something u must maintain daily, "or else" i guess. i never did tell u
how much i appreciated the financial support u gave me. without money u die in this world. so i know i wasnt as appreciative as i should have been. i definitely am aware of that now. and i know i owe u money. i will pay u back. in turn u cannot get
on me for working and it not going to the house when for one, u didnt pay all
of my personal bills. so i agree. when i worked it was to help myself stay
afloat. i had a phone. student loans and other bills that i used my money to
pay. how else was i going to practically support myself in that aspect. and dont
think that statement means i dont realise all the other things u helped me
with. and for two, u made a ton more than me. a ton. a fucking ton. u were doing
all this before i came around and u didnt need me and made sure i knew that ud
keep doing it if i wasnt around. wether u were with me or not u would be doing all of what u were doing financially. and in ur own inadvertant way, made me feel less because of it. that i didnt make more or held it over me as to why i shouldnt say a thing about cleaning up after everyone from day one. and the fact that u bitch about me asking u to do anything was the kicker. i never asked u to do half of the house work. its just that anytime i asked u to pick something up or not leave food or plates laying about or put something in the sink or wipe a counter i was asking too much. u felt i shouldnt say anything about anything. but again. that was my allowance. i could have voiced this and not keep it inside. forced us to talk it out. i could have taken that action instead of just participating in anger that u didnt get me or what i was saying at all. u say we never should
have moved in without setting down some "rules" first. re read that 8 page
letter i wrote u before u came to PA to get me before i moved in. thats all i have to say about that. ur not a bad person. and fuck, if i made u feel like u are i truely apologize. and i can see how the way i displayed how i felt would make u feel
like a bad person. but u werent. u did allow sex to close ur ears to
ur girlfriend. i didnt think u were bad or anything for wanted to be with me. i
wanted u to hear me. help me. not just fuck me. sex was emotionally
connected for me at that point. if we werent there emotionally i didnt want to
be there sexually. and i cant say that was the right or wrong thing to do
either. but we both manipulated our sex life. know that. i wanted to use it to
make u remember and u wanted to use it to make me forget. i accept my
responsibility for all that happened with us. there is no "right path" to follow
to make anyone happy. for one, its up to self to make self happy. and for two,
if u and ur partner are truely partners u will work as one and not two in every
way. u still have no clue why i left. and u never really cared to find out
anyway. u just wanted me back. u gave me everything u had to give but in ur way.
financially. sexually. but u never gave me a partner. there was much dismissal
of things. and i am not oout of responsibility within that statement either. im not
trying to stop u from moving on anymore. i know that is what u just wanted to do
a while ago with (girls name). and i admitt that it pissed me off. u know. u were
there in those text :). but i stopped u becase i was still experiencing a lot
of jealousy and hated the fact that we didnt do all we could. the both of us.
and u just moved on. not realising we are just not at places to where we can have a all around successful partnership. i dont know if u recall, but us was the first
relationship i have ever been in before. first time i lived with a guy. first a
lot of things for me. so i can say myself that i did much wrong. i see myself
within our relationship. which is why i have been changing so much about me.
down to the core. considering not only ur actions but mine in turn. point by
point. but u still dont see u at all. and thats not saying "oh (his name)is such a
bad guy". because i dont see that. this isnt the blame game. its the self
responsibility game. it means u dont see urself within all the things that
happened with us. we walked that train wreck together. (not saying it was all
bad (his name). we had great times as well. i know thats how u feel when i point out
the things u dont want to address.) every point u have about me, turn it back
around to self. see where u fit in on it as well. because u do. on every single
point within why we didnt work. the both of us. and i dont see that uve done
that when u talk about what happened with us. its my desire to be right. my
anger. my reactions. my weed haibt. my manipulation of sex. my issues with
cleaning. i mean, seriously. theres a ton WE should have done different.
equally.

still see blame in some of my words. hypocritically getting on him for existing as blame and not self responsibility in and as every point as i do the same. reflections of self. still attempting to fix i see by my words. fix him. fix us. fix me. only one of those i actually have physical control over. and that is fixing me. thinking of the video on banning i watched today i see that sometimes its best to not participate with some people. and i know this. but obviously i dont stand as that statement fully. no resistance. no seperation. no judgement of him involved. just the point to stand as or not stand as. what am i standing as continuing this shit? time to stop. fully. (*point of fixing/control/"help" sf)

hmmm. hope! that sneaky bitch! i think that is the root of my "need to still try and fix." hope that he may change the way he thinks. hope that he may turn into someone else. hope that we may get back together (which is a crazy point because i was so unhappy with the way we were together and lost all hope of us which is why i left. guess hope was hiding within me.) damn, emotions and feelings are a mind fuck. step one, stop seeing emotions and feelings as MINE or as apart of ME. they are not mine. they are not me. so stop.

k cool. thats it for now.

exploring the point of being with "taken" people

writing the title immediately brings about the fact that i have only had one relationship. so exploring my attitude before i got into my one and only relationship shows me that i judged/looked down on relationships. always thought they were a bunch of bullshit. tons of deception. stupid fights over easily solvable issues. tears and making one another "feel bad" for things. i watched many around me growing up in relationships.my mother and father. my mother and her boyfriends after my father. my sisters and their boyfriends. my friends and their boyfriends. one of my best friends growing up had her first sexual experience in an affair with a married man. all the examples i had of relationships, well they fucking sucked. so that helped me to develop this resistance of relationships. i would tell myself i never want to be in a relationship like ive ever seen. i would say that my first boyfriend would be my husband because i would wait that long get into a relationship. i saw that relationships were all about making the other one happy. whatever that meant at the time. which was deception to me. just relating to one another. that was never my idea of a successful partnership. so i resisted relationships. and maybe developed some kinda "fuck u" attitude to relationships in general. which is probably why mine was unsuccessful (aside the many issues within it). wow. ok first time i had sex with someone who had a girlfriend was in college. second guy i ever had sex with. he was a friend of mine. we always had a flirty thing going on. i knew he had a girlfriend. but i saw it as,"hes my friend. us fucking is just two friends fucking. nothing more. nothing less." we fucked, he felt guilty. i did not. we fucked some more. i moved away. he got another girlfriend. we still fucked around. we are still friends to this day. he has a girlfriend now who wants to get married eventually. he feels pressure from her family to do "the right thing". he feels like its something he should do. we have not had sex since hes been with her. but we have had naughty conversations via phone and text. he experiences guilt. so i told him we do not HAVE to be sexual in nature. i enjoy him. sexy time or not lol. so we havent been talking or texting sexually anymore. second time i had sex with someone who had a girlfriend was after recovery from my car accident where i almost died *point to explore/never wrote out this experience*. this one was completely accidental. i was walking home from the library and a guy drove by me and honked his horn. i waved. not seeing who was actually driving the car. i figured they just left on their way until i walked by the parking lot. a blonde haired blue eyed guy was sitting in a car waiting for me. i rarely got hit on by white guys. it was either i made the attempt or we were friends first. i use to think i really intimidated white guys cause i was so straight forward about the fact that i only wanted to fuck with white guys and never been with a blck guy. but this one was straight forward with me. we talked a bit. exchanged numbers and i continued my walk. he called me and came over to the place i was staying. we hung out. talked. one thing i really dug about this guys was he was so intense about us. his heart would speed up and hed place my hand on it and he would get nervous and i thought that was cute. we fucked. he came over and we'd hang out an watch porn and fuck and listen to music and talk. did this until i left to go home. after being home two days he tells me on the phone that not only is he married, but he had a son as well. i was like, wtf? i wasnt so much pissed about it. just surprised that i had no clue. he divorced his wife. he was pretty shitty around that time. i didnt like what he had become with leaving his wife and son came a shit ton of other things. we stopped talking for a while. he came to visit me. it was ok but his head wasnt there. he was in it and somewhere else. when he left i thought to myself "he will never change". we still talk to this day. and hes a completely different person now. so much more self aware and aware of life and honestly cares for people and the world. we do not have a sexual relationship. sex was the basis of us in the past. the both of us are on different shit nowadays. we do have great converstions about life and the things we encounter. third time i had sex with someone who had a girlfriend was a friend i use to live with in the college dorms once i changed schools. my group of friends was me and about 6 guys. we all got long great. hung out all the time. i had a major crush on on of my guy friends. one night i thought me and that guy friend ihad the crush on were going to finally have sex he ended up flaking. so i went and found one of our friends in that group of 6 and i hooked up with him. it was on some drunk reasoning shit. after hooking up, didnt have sex, we were like "ok wtf was that." we knew we were on some drunk shit so we just left it. continued to be friends. year or so went by. he got a girlfriend whom the rest of us didnt really like. mainly because she took some of his time from us. we all went out one night. just me and they guys. we went out. got drunk. we back to my friends house. and he started kissing me. this was surprisingly out of the blue and i did think of his girlfriend for a second. then i thought of "my boy" and she was of no concern any longer. this happened another time with us. he came to get me with a couple friends. we got fucked up and ended up in bed together. i woke up in the morning naked and needing to pee. i put on my cloths cause i thought his friends were still there. went to pee then lay back down. i kept my cloths on though. he was passed out all afternoon and i was just laying in bed with him texting. i hear his door open and he hops up from his dead sleep saying,"thats (girlfriends name)!". i stood up already clothes but my pants zipper undone. shoes in hand, purse in hand, condom wrapper in hand. she walks in, looks at me ( i had a blank expression. i didnt feel guilt about it. didnt hate the girl at all but i didnt know if i was going to have to be physical her because of this.) looks at him (he was completely naked. with the excitement and being half fucked up still he couldnt manage cloths before she came in) starts to cry and runs out the house and down the street. he puts on cloths and goes after her. i left to go home. he texts me later on "its all good. i told her u were coming in to wake me up". wow. she must have really wanted to believe that lie. because it was apparent. they stayed together some months after this before calling it quits. we are still friends to this day. i decided to stop resisting being "taken" and in a relationship so i went out and got in one. i didnt "cheat" when i was in my relationship. i did still talk to my many guy friends and had the opportunity to cheat, but i did not. id appreciate some insight if anyone has any on this. thanks.

porn/masturbation

i fell on this point. i had gone a couple of months without porn or masturbation.since october 1st. it was all fine and dandy. going well. no desires to watch porn and shit. i had sex with the guy from florida. half black half white guy. never been with a black guy before. had much resistance there. we met the day i broke up with my ex. he was single. he was really into me. i thought he was a nice guy. i wouldnt say i was initially attracted to him physically. i was apprehensive cause of the shit going on with the break up and my white guy preference which i have not yet pinpointed. think it has something to do with the way i view my father *point to investigate/address*. next time i went down i wanted to see him. experience him sexually. it had been not looking to get into another relationship. i have told him this. i called him. he wanted to see me but he told me he had a out of state girlfriend which surprised me seeing as he was single when we had met not long ago. i wasnt concerned with his girlfriend honestly. not the first time i had been with a man who had a girlfriend. not a regular or sought out thing. just not the first time. *point to investigate/address*. we ended up getting together, despite his apprehension because of his girlfriend. the experience was ok. i didnt see it as sex with a black man. didnt view it like that at all. i enjoyed myself but i could feel his apprehension through out the whole sexual experience. i wanted to see him again the next day and he was full of guilt and worry and talks of sin this and sin that. he respects my views on things but is really god mind-fucked. before we had sex i told him i dont deal in guilt or worry or right and wrong. that i simply wanted to have this experience with him. and that he shouldnt do things he isnt sure about them. that pretalk did nothing because he was so mind fucked after. he kept saying, "bottom line is, its a sin." so after a small amount of anger, i did self forgiveness and let it go. we didnt end on angry terms. a month later i went back and was there about a week. the day before i left i called him. he was at the same place that i had been that night. i told him he should come pick me up. he was apprehensive for about a split second. then he did and this experience was, fucking wow. there was no apprehension in the sexual experience this time. he and i were fully there and the whole experience was great. he has stopped a lot of things lately as well. he doesnt know of desteni material. i think his starting point is god. but he has stopped drinking alcohol. stopped smoking weed. stopped porn and masturbation as well. dropped some friends. he wants to become a cop. for the money and security aspect of it. we have talked about many things but one only knows how deceptive self is though. thats where self honesty comes into play. we only got to see one another once since i didnt call him until my last day of being there. he said to make sure i contact him next time i am down. that he'd like to make me dinner. maybe watch a movie. when i got home there was so much pent up energy for some reason. the first time we had sex it didnt not cause so much energy to stay within me. this time i couldnt stop thinking about him. well not so much him but the sexual experience we had. how it felt. by day two of me being home i gave in to the energy. watched porn. masturbated. i havent had that build of energy sense.


i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by energy caused by images which are not real.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to retreat into the mind to experience not realising that all is here and here is not in the mind.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by fantasizing in the mind.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that if i am in my mind i am NOT here.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the energy movement in me was an opportunity to explore the breath orgasm.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist the breath orgasm.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the breath orgasm.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about doing it "right" when it comes to the breath orgasm.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to just do it when it comes to the breath orgasm.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that i cannot be intimate with another until i am intimate with myself.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that because i do not know how to be self intimate all experiences with intamacy and another will be from a dishonest stand point.
i forgive msyelf for accepting and allowing myself to fear dropping everything i have ever learned regarding experiencing sex.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that everything i have ever learned regardign experiencing sex has been from a dishonest starting point.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being self intimate.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exploring self intimacy.

two red eyed mice

i have gotten beyond my fear of mice. its great how the universe just sets shit up sometimes. like when i asked the universe, myself, to assist myself in letting go of things. not too long after that request my friend and i couldnt pay for our storage and everything thing i owned but a box was sold at auction. then i decided that the fear of mice needed to stop. and that next time i bought mice for the snake then i would hold them before. but then i havent had the money to buy the mice. so i have inadvertedly created a back door for waiting to procrastinating facing this fear. so good ol uni decides to assist once again. my sis knew that i wanted to face this fear. i told her next time no matter what its being addressed. and she also knew i had no money for the mice. so while she was out she bought them. she came home like here they are. lets go with the facing lol so i opened the box and there was resistance. then i put my hand in to touch them and they were soooooooo soft :) i remembered why i use to enjoy the one i had as a pet when i was 12 prior to the creation of this fear of mice. i poured them out of the box and picked them up. so tiny and soft in my hands! i let them crawl on me because thats what was the cause of the resistance. how they would feel on me. i felt the pointy little nail grabbing onto my skin for support and out of fear themselves. after a minute both them and i were enjoying the experience. they were "calmer" and less prikly with the nails. it was cool :)

cried today.

its been a while. i dont get emotional like i use to so much anymore. todya. i dont know. just feeling the weight of our collective bullshit. and rush towards more and more bullshit. today it kills me that we all dont use our eyes. today it kills me that we dont use reason. today it makes me so sad that we refuse to use our eyes. people are praising the vets for fighting for our freedoms and every single time i see a post i manifest sadness within me. so mind fucking myself today. what fucking freedoms do we have? what fucking freedoms are being fought for? why cant we see that "fighting for our freedoms" is taking away the lives of others without a care. the "superior" nature of different groups of people disgust me. this kinda feels like how i use to get before my period. unknowingly hoping on emotional rollercosters and going round ten times before i realize what im willingly riding on. i fall. i dontknow if my period is coming. i dont keep up with it anymore. quit birth control when i broke up with my ex so my cycle does what it wants now. i resisted the emotion building in me and resisted the tears forming in my eyes while trying to defend myself. which is why they came down. instead of resisting and fighting with the emotion i should have simply stopped. stopped participating with the shit. i forgot my breath and went into defense mode. tons of people around me are getting married. my exs niece is a boyfriend hopper. shes 18. she left one guy (they were not getting along) months ago and got with another. the guy she left proposed to her at the bar a day ago. she says yes and leaves the guy she left him for. WTF. three people in my immediate family are pregnant. countless others around me. it kills me we are so fucking wishy washy with life. we dont get the importance of raising the next generation of humans. we humans, currently, fucking suk. and unless we plan on doing everything completely different than we ever have before, we will produce the same type of shitty uncaring people and continue with the cycle of abuse of life. people have babies out of self interest or lack of care otherwise. my life suks, lets fuck! forget the condom! it "feels" better. and u know how much i value my feelings! fucking stupid. when i say these things i am told i am "baby hating". thats really what initiated the crying. i care about children so much, but because i dont have any or speak out against our bullshit towards children and our shitty idea of child raising, then im a "baby hater" a "life hater" for the matter of what i speak about our bullshit towards life. that anyone could call me a "baby hater" when i care about all beings so much just took me away from myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myslef to participate in emotion.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by emotion.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that if emotion is directing, tree is not directing.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in hope.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope for people to change.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that I am the change.
if orgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others.
i forgive myself for not accepting andallowing myself to see that in judging others i judge myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "feel" out of control.
if orgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "feel" that i "must" cry.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept crying as a solution to anything.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I am the solution.
i stop.


...okay reading this, its all over the place. resistance to post it..i stop. and i post.

picture perfect

so i was reading some blogs and came across one ov blaz' called sexual desires and pictures where he was talking about this picture he has in his head of the "perfect" woman. and that got me to thinking about my own perception of tje "perfect" man. i have always desired white men. i use to think of it as ' it is what it is. its what im attracted to'. i have questioned it before. looked back. saw that i was raised around mostly all black people and things black people related until i decided i had two feet and a mind of my own and went to explore what i always wanted to anyway. which was the way others are living. when i discoverd rock music was like when i discovered masturbation. i felt like i had gotten a 'one up' in life. it made me comfortable. it understood me. i liked it so much. it was like a secret i had. though my whole family knew what i was discovering and experiencing. 'white music' it was refered to alot back in the day in my home. i remember always being attracted to white boys though. 4th grade or so i have my first memories of "likeing" white boys. every boy that i have had sex with so far has been white. i met this black guy once that i was attracted to. he wanted to fuck right away but i held back. he wasnt pushy. i let him go down on me. but his god issues kept me from experiencing him fully. black men are always hitting on me. well use to. im exhibiting some differnt energy nowadays. not as many men hit on me at all anymore. which im cool with. before i use to always tell them, 'sorry. i only fuck with white guys'. i mean, it was what it was and i didnt want to hide the fact that that was what was going on. got into many an arguments with black men. i have been called a traiter to my race before. first day of school when i transfered colleges i got into it with an boy who was half arab half black. i told him i only dated white boys. that did not sit well with him. wasnt the first time i was in an oral confrontation because i voiced my desire for white men only. the first kiss i had was with a black boy. first first kiss was when i was young. we use to hang out at this building that had the radio station our families would broadcast on. raggae music. spoken word. singing. i remember being on stage and playing house wrapped up inside one of the curtains. i was playing with this boy as my husband. he was "leaving for work" and wanted a kiss goodbye. i was like 7 or 8. 9 at the oldest. that was my first kiss. second was with a black boy. i was 12 or 13. my sisters boyfirends cousin. in the rain. very "sweet". found him kissing another girl the next day at the park. this i felt SHOULD bother me a ton. but it didnt. after that it was white boys only. its not like i made a switch. i remember writing ( i use to write a ton. none stop inmy journal. i needed to do it like breathing back in the day ) and finally just admitting to myself that i really did like white boys. i just did. fought with it a bit. my dad wasnt okay with it at first. and i was still a virgin. i remember he was taking me to the airport and we stopped at a gas station and while he was inside i changed the radio from raggae to some rock. listened while he was inside. then when he came back as he was getting into the car i changed it back. he got so pissed yelled at me it was 'fucking rock music' this ' fucking white music' that. i remember thinking, 'wow. how fucking ignorant' and u know what, that gave me fuel for my "fuck u i fuck with white boys" attitude. huh... so maybe the inner rebel in me likes the idea of being different and going against......that doesnt really seem like so though. i ran with the thought. but it doesnt fit. i think i just accepted this idea that white boys are something that black boys are not. i cant honestly point any stigmas i have towards black men. but there has to be something. some reason why i go for white men as a pre requisite..ok i know my desires are bullshit. personality based. self interesed. mind based. so maybe its just more bullshit. just another desire i need to let go of. stop the expectations. stop the requirements. stop the bullshit. and simply experience.

chaka

so i got chaka back in may. i had one dog inthe past named fluffy. i dont remember where i got her from. she was sprobably a stray i convinced my mother to let me keep. me and fluffy had some good times. i dont remember exavtly how old i was. but i wasnt ready for a dog. i was young. didnt have money to get her shots. but i wanted her. so my mother allowed me to do whatever with the dog. she would get out and i wouldnt be able to find her for a day or so. turns out the younger boys down the street were taking her in when she would get out. their father would find fluffy in his house often. one day fluffy and i were in the front yard and she was standing up on the flower bed. shed started dry heaving then throwing up then throwing up blood then she keeled over and died. i later found out she had parvo. this death didnt affect me that much. i still felt her presence around a bit. i felt that with the parvo, she kinda had to go. i dont remember being pissed i couldnt afford her shots. i kinda remember feeling like, 'hey shes like me. never had any vaccination shots either'. i was ok with taking that "risk" not getting my dog her shots. so then i got chaka. it was around the time where my ex and i were shitty and on our way out. i really wanted a dog. for a while. hadnt had one since fluffy when i was hella young. my ex didnt want me to get a dog. told me no i couldnt have one. when i decided, 'hey this is shitty anyway. we are about to be done because of the bullshit. i am getting a dog.' so i looked online. sites like craigslist. ended up finding chaka on oodle.com. i looked through tons of ads. i wanted a dog that was a smaller breed of dog. but really criteria was cutipie-ocity. i looked at some pictures and found one of chaka and her brother. she was only 8 weeks or so when i got her. i knew she was the one i was going to get when i saw the picture. she was advertised as a crestoxie. i had never heard of that breed of dog before so i looked it up. turns out it is a mix between dashunds (weiner dogs) and chinese cresteds (the usually win the 'ugliest dog in the world contest' every year). another breed we made up. when i contacted the woman turns out she was 2 hours or so away from me. i was definite with my ex about the dog. so definite that it wasnt so much of a fight when i told him i was going to get her. i packed up and left to go get her. it was farther than i thought it would be and i got lost. i was back in the sticks somewhere with no service and no clue where i was. i realised i was gonna have to stop and ask someone for directions or a phone. i drove and saw an older woman hoeing a garden across the street from a house. i pulled over telling her my phone wasnt working and i was lost. she sent me across the street where her daughter allowed me to use the phone. i called the woman that had chaka and she got me turned in the right direction. i was almost to where i needed to get chaka and there were some kids in a pick up in front of me. they tried to make a sudden turn to the left and i smashed right into them like a t bone. i was very surprised at the accident. when we crashed i stopped. looked at the driver of teh other car. the driver looked at me. then looked at his two teenage passengers. then quickly made a b line for the dirt road. i wasnt about to chase them down. so i went on my way. got to chaka. she was covered in shit from having to wait and being nervous. i didnt mind. we got on the road to go home and nearly made it there before the car conked out. the accident had fucked something up in it and in my trying to get home quickly without stopping to let the car rest, i overheated the car. boy was my ex pissed he had to come get me and his car and this dog that he didnt want. and really its not that he didnt want the dog. he just didnt want me to have the dog. he really is fond of dogs in general. but i got chaka. few weeks after that we broke up. chaka and i moved in with my brother and his girlfriend. they didnt/ dont mind chaka at all. they have two dogs. a doberman and a pitbull. both get along great with chaka. having chaka around has taught me so much. is teaching me so much. she really helps to manifest my impatientness and my anger. so i actually see it infront of me. there are times where i am being unreasonable and she will look at me like ' seriously stop it. ' we are getting out communication down. i am having some trouble though. i want to not be controlling over her or impose myself and my bullshit onto her. i dont want to treat her a certain way because its how the world thinks we should treat dogs. i want to let her live and express herself without stifiling her all the time like i see people do with their pets. its all ' be quiet!' ' sit down!' ' be nice!' ' time to eat now!' my brother and his girlfriend say i must be the master and her the slave or dog as they put it. i must teach her how to act and how to behave. i must teach her to respect me using the reward punishment method. they say thats how dogs learn everything. she learns to not potty in the house by getting in trouble when she does and getting praise when she goes outside. they say i must regulate her food because shes a dog. i, myself, dont like being forced to eat. i eat when i am hungry. thats it. i enjoy that about not being under a parental thumb in the when to eat aspect anymore. sometimes im hungry once a day. sometimes through out the day. it depends. so i dont like the whole ' u eat now when i say' thing. i wouldnt like that to be done to me. forced to eat. so i kinda let her eat when she wants. well actually its a battle going on cause i dont really know how to support chaka in her process fully at the moment. i want to let her be without so much dictatorship. i am trying to find the way to support her as she supports me. cause she really supports me a lot. my brother and his girlfriend. when they feed their dogs they, wait first off their dogs act like they never eat. i dont know what that is about. they eat twice a day. but always act like they are starving. they had them on a diet for a while because the vet said they were fat...but when they feed them they make them sit by their bowls and wait. then when the food is in the bowl they have to sit and wait for the green light go ahead. so they sit salavating until whoever is feeding them says okay go ahead. then they devour the food without even tasting it im sure. ibe been going out of town a lot lately so they do the same thing with chaka when i am gone. they say she eats all her food right then and there. mostly because if she doesnt the other dogs will eat her shit. then when i am around i feed her and i feel like i have to do the whole oopla with the 'sit. dont touch it til i say. master/slave' thing. but it never feels right. i wouldnt want it done to me. so i give chaka her food. i make her sit while im pouring it in her bowl. then i let her go if she wants to eat then thats fine. if she wants to eat it later thats fine too. i try not to care when she eats it. and its funny cause if i am hanging out downsstairs when its time for her to eat and i give her her food upstairs she waits til i come up sometimes to even eat. like she wants me to watch her eat. or she will come hang out downstairs and go up to eat when she wants. i think she knows the freedom of eating upstairs versus downstairs with the other dogs. she knows she can leave it and it still be there. i am trying to do what is best for her. my brother and his girlfriend says routine and order is a must have with dogs. i must regulate all about her they say. they say i should get her "fixed". i definitely dont want to do that. i wouldnt want it done to me. but apparently its a must. its funny how we are a nation of " ..and dont forget to spay and neuter ur pets" but we as humans do the same thing with ourselves. we say that because there are so many unwanted pets out there while many of us are still making more. many of them die from brutality or "humanely" cause we arent taking care of the ones we have. so why make more. i get that. we all get that seeing as we are a nation of it as a motto. but we dont see the same thing happening with us. there are so many unwanted children out there while many of us are still making more. many of those children die from brutality cause we dont take care of what is here. why havent we implament some kinda spay and neuter for the problem with unwanted children? we want to say it must me done to the pets while we disregard our place in it all. so yeah i really dont want to "fix" her. i wouldnt want to be fixed. the "problem" with our animal population isnt an animal problem at all. its a human problem. we are the ones making these dogs and crossing these breeds and accepting and allowing the desire for the small ones and puppies and attaching stigma to the older dogs perpetuating the problem cause we dont see that we are the solution. not to spay and neuter ur pets. lots to experience with chaka ahead.