exploring the point of being with "taken" people

writing the title immediately brings about the fact that i have only had one relationship. so exploring my attitude before i got into my one and only relationship shows me that i judged/looked down on relationships. always thought they were a bunch of bullshit. tons of deception. stupid fights over easily solvable issues. tears and making one another "feel bad" for things. i watched many around me growing up in relationships.my mother and father. my mother and her boyfriends after my father. my sisters and their boyfriends. my friends and their boyfriends. one of my best friends growing up had her first sexual experience in an affair with a married man. all the examples i had of relationships, well they fucking sucked. so that helped me to develop this resistance of relationships. i would tell myself i never want to be in a relationship like ive ever seen. i would say that my first boyfriend would be my husband because i would wait that long get into a relationship. i saw that relationships were all about making the other one happy. whatever that meant at the time. which was deception to me. just relating to one another. that was never my idea of a successful partnership. so i resisted relationships. and maybe developed some kinda "fuck u" attitude to relationships in general. which is probably why mine was unsuccessful (aside the many issues within it). wow. ok first time i had sex with someone who had a girlfriend was in college. second guy i ever had sex with. he was a friend of mine. we always had a flirty thing going on. i knew he had a girlfriend. but i saw it as,"hes my friend. us fucking is just two friends fucking. nothing more. nothing less." we fucked, he felt guilty. i did not. we fucked some more. i moved away. he got another girlfriend. we still fucked around. we are still friends to this day. he has a girlfriend now who wants to get married eventually. he feels pressure from her family to do "the right thing". he feels like its something he should do. we have not had sex since hes been with her. but we have had naughty conversations via phone and text. he experiences guilt. so i told him we do not HAVE to be sexual in nature. i enjoy him. sexy time or not lol. so we havent been talking or texting sexually anymore. second time i had sex with someone who had a girlfriend was after recovery from my car accident where i almost died *point to explore/never wrote out this experience*. this one was completely accidental. i was walking home from the library and a guy drove by me and honked his horn. i waved. not seeing who was actually driving the car. i figured they just left on their way until i walked by the parking lot. a blonde haired blue eyed guy was sitting in a car waiting for me. i rarely got hit on by white guys. it was either i made the attempt or we were friends first. i use to think i really intimidated white guys cause i was so straight forward about the fact that i only wanted to fuck with white guys and never been with a blck guy. but this one was straight forward with me. we talked a bit. exchanged numbers and i continued my walk. he called me and came over to the place i was staying. we hung out. talked. one thing i really dug about this guys was he was so intense about us. his heart would speed up and hed place my hand on it and he would get nervous and i thought that was cute. we fucked. he came over and we'd hang out an watch porn and fuck and listen to music and talk. did this until i left to go home. after being home two days he tells me on the phone that not only is he married, but he had a son as well. i was like, wtf? i wasnt so much pissed about it. just surprised that i had no clue. he divorced his wife. he was pretty shitty around that time. i didnt like what he had become with leaving his wife and son came a shit ton of other things. we stopped talking for a while. he came to visit me. it was ok but his head wasnt there. he was in it and somewhere else. when he left i thought to myself "he will never change". we still talk to this day. and hes a completely different person now. so much more self aware and aware of life and honestly cares for people and the world. we do not have a sexual relationship. sex was the basis of us in the past. the both of us are on different shit nowadays. we do have great converstions about life and the things we encounter. third time i had sex with someone who had a girlfriend was a friend i use to live with in the college dorms once i changed schools. my group of friends was me and about 6 guys. we all got long great. hung out all the time. i had a major crush on on of my guy friends. one night i thought me and that guy friend ihad the crush on were going to finally have sex he ended up flaking. so i went and found one of our friends in that group of 6 and i hooked up with him. it was on some drunk reasoning shit. after hooking up, didnt have sex, we were like "ok wtf was that." we knew we were on some drunk shit so we just left it. continued to be friends. year or so went by. he got a girlfriend whom the rest of us didnt really like. mainly because she took some of his time from us. we all went out one night. just me and they guys. we went out. got drunk. we back to my friends house. and he started kissing me. this was surprisingly out of the blue and i did think of his girlfriend for a second. then i thought of "my boy" and she was of no concern any longer. this happened another time with us. he came to get me with a couple friends. we got fucked up and ended up in bed together. i woke up in the morning naked and needing to pee. i put on my cloths cause i thought his friends were still there. went to pee then lay back down. i kept my cloths on though. he was passed out all afternoon and i was just laying in bed with him texting. i hear his door open and he hops up from his dead sleep saying,"thats (girlfriends name)!". i stood up already clothes but my pants zipper undone. shoes in hand, purse in hand, condom wrapper in hand. she walks in, looks at me ( i had a blank expression. i didnt feel guilt about it. didnt hate the girl at all but i didnt know if i was going to have to be physical her because of this.) looks at him (he was completely naked. with the excitement and being half fucked up still he couldnt manage cloths before she came in) starts to cry and runs out the house and down the street. he puts on cloths and goes after her. i left to go home. he texts me later on "its all good. i told her u were coming in to wake me up". wow. she must have really wanted to believe that lie. because it was apparent. they stayed together some months after this before calling it quits. we are still friends to this day. i decided to stop resisting being "taken" and in a relationship so i went out and got in one. i didnt "cheat" when i was in my relationship. i did still talk to my many guy friends and had the opportunity to cheat, but i did not. id appreciate some insight if anyone has any on this. thanks.

porn/masturbation

i fell on this point. i had gone a couple of months without porn or masturbation.since october 1st. it was all fine and dandy. going well. no desires to watch porn and shit. i had sex with the guy from florida. half black half white guy. never been with a black guy before. had much resistance there. we met the day i broke up with my ex. he was single. he was really into me. i thought he was a nice guy. i wouldnt say i was initially attracted to him physically. i was apprehensive cause of the shit going on with the break up and my white guy preference which i have not yet pinpointed. think it has something to do with the way i view my father *point to investigate/address*. next time i went down i wanted to see him. experience him sexually. it had been not looking to get into another relationship. i have told him this. i called him. he wanted to see me but he told me he had a out of state girlfriend which surprised me seeing as he was single when we had met not long ago. i wasnt concerned with his girlfriend honestly. not the first time i had been with a man who had a girlfriend. not a regular or sought out thing. just not the first time. *point to investigate/address*. we ended up getting together, despite his apprehension because of his girlfriend. the experience was ok. i didnt see it as sex with a black man. didnt view it like that at all. i enjoyed myself but i could feel his apprehension through out the whole sexual experience. i wanted to see him again the next day and he was full of guilt and worry and talks of sin this and sin that. he respects my views on things but is really god mind-fucked. before we had sex i told him i dont deal in guilt or worry or right and wrong. that i simply wanted to have this experience with him. and that he shouldnt do things he isnt sure about them. that pretalk did nothing because he was so mind fucked after. he kept saying, "bottom line is, its a sin." so after a small amount of anger, i did self forgiveness and let it go. we didnt end on angry terms. a month later i went back and was there about a week. the day before i left i called him. he was at the same place that i had been that night. i told him he should come pick me up. he was apprehensive for about a split second. then he did and this experience was, fucking wow. there was no apprehension in the sexual experience this time. he and i were fully there and the whole experience was great. he has stopped a lot of things lately as well. he doesnt know of desteni material. i think his starting point is god. but he has stopped drinking alcohol. stopped smoking weed. stopped porn and masturbation as well. dropped some friends. he wants to become a cop. for the money and security aspect of it. we have talked about many things but one only knows how deceptive self is though. thats where self honesty comes into play. we only got to see one another once since i didnt call him until my last day of being there. he said to make sure i contact him next time i am down. that he'd like to make me dinner. maybe watch a movie. when i got home there was so much pent up energy for some reason. the first time we had sex it didnt not cause so much energy to stay within me. this time i couldnt stop thinking about him. well not so much him but the sexual experience we had. how it felt. by day two of me being home i gave in to the energy. watched porn. masturbated. i havent had that build of energy sense.


i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by energy caused by images which are not real.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to retreat into the mind to experience not realising that all is here and here is not in the mind.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by fantasizing in the mind.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that if i am in my mind i am NOT here.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the energy movement in me was an opportunity to explore the breath orgasm.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist the breath orgasm.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the breath orgasm.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about doing it "right" when it comes to the breath orgasm.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to just do it when it comes to the breath orgasm.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that i cannot be intimate with another until i am intimate with myself.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that because i do not know how to be self intimate all experiences with intamacy and another will be from a dishonest stand point.
i forgive msyelf for accepting and allowing myself to fear dropping everything i have ever learned regarding experiencing sex.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that everything i have ever learned regardign experiencing sex has been from a dishonest starting point.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being self intimate.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exploring self intimacy.

two red eyed mice

i have gotten beyond my fear of mice. its great how the universe just sets shit up sometimes. like when i asked the universe, myself, to assist myself in letting go of things. not too long after that request my friend and i couldnt pay for our storage and everything thing i owned but a box was sold at auction. then i decided that the fear of mice needed to stop. and that next time i bought mice for the snake then i would hold them before. but then i havent had the money to buy the mice. so i have inadvertedly created a back door for waiting to procrastinating facing this fear. so good ol uni decides to assist once again. my sis knew that i wanted to face this fear. i told her next time no matter what its being addressed. and she also knew i had no money for the mice. so while she was out she bought them. she came home like here they are. lets go with the facing lol so i opened the box and there was resistance. then i put my hand in to touch them and they were soooooooo soft :) i remembered why i use to enjoy the one i had as a pet when i was 12 prior to the creation of this fear of mice. i poured them out of the box and picked them up. so tiny and soft in my hands! i let them crawl on me because thats what was the cause of the resistance. how they would feel on me. i felt the pointy little nail grabbing onto my skin for support and out of fear themselves. after a minute both them and i were enjoying the experience. they were "calmer" and less prikly with the nails. it was cool :)

cried today.

its been a while. i dont get emotional like i use to so much anymore. todya. i dont know. just feeling the weight of our collective bullshit. and rush towards more and more bullshit. today it kills me that we all dont use our eyes. today it kills me that we dont use reason. today it makes me so sad that we refuse to use our eyes. people are praising the vets for fighting for our freedoms and every single time i see a post i manifest sadness within me. so mind fucking myself today. what fucking freedoms do we have? what fucking freedoms are being fought for? why cant we see that "fighting for our freedoms" is taking away the lives of others without a care. the "superior" nature of different groups of people disgust me. this kinda feels like how i use to get before my period. unknowingly hoping on emotional rollercosters and going round ten times before i realize what im willingly riding on. i fall. i dontknow if my period is coming. i dont keep up with it anymore. quit birth control when i broke up with my ex so my cycle does what it wants now. i resisted the emotion building in me and resisted the tears forming in my eyes while trying to defend myself. which is why they came down. instead of resisting and fighting with the emotion i should have simply stopped. stopped participating with the shit. i forgot my breath and went into defense mode. tons of people around me are getting married. my exs niece is a boyfriend hopper. shes 18. she left one guy (they were not getting along) months ago and got with another. the guy she left proposed to her at the bar a day ago. she says yes and leaves the guy she left him for. WTF. three people in my immediate family are pregnant. countless others around me. it kills me we are so fucking wishy washy with life. we dont get the importance of raising the next generation of humans. we humans, currently, fucking suk. and unless we plan on doing everything completely different than we ever have before, we will produce the same type of shitty uncaring people and continue with the cycle of abuse of life. people have babies out of self interest or lack of care otherwise. my life suks, lets fuck! forget the condom! it "feels" better. and u know how much i value my feelings! fucking stupid. when i say these things i am told i am "baby hating". thats really what initiated the crying. i care about children so much, but because i dont have any or speak out against our bullshit towards children and our shitty idea of child raising, then im a "baby hater" a "life hater" for the matter of what i speak about our bullshit towards life. that anyone could call me a "baby hater" when i care about all beings so much just took me away from myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myslef to participate in emotion.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by emotion.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that if emotion is directing, tree is not directing.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in hope.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope for people to change.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that I am the change.
if orgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others.
i forgive myself for not accepting andallowing myself to see that in judging others i judge myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "feel" out of control.
if orgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "feel" that i "must" cry.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept crying as a solution to anything.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I am the solution.
i stop.


...okay reading this, its all over the place. resistance to post it..i stop. and i post.

picture perfect

so i was reading some blogs and came across one ov blaz' called sexual desires and pictures where he was talking about this picture he has in his head of the "perfect" woman. and that got me to thinking about my own perception of tje "perfect" man. i have always desired white men. i use to think of it as ' it is what it is. its what im attracted to'. i have questioned it before. looked back. saw that i was raised around mostly all black people and things black people related until i decided i had two feet and a mind of my own and went to explore what i always wanted to anyway. which was the way others are living. when i discoverd rock music was like when i discovered masturbation. i felt like i had gotten a 'one up' in life. it made me comfortable. it understood me. i liked it so much. it was like a secret i had. though my whole family knew what i was discovering and experiencing. 'white music' it was refered to alot back in the day in my home. i remember always being attracted to white boys though. 4th grade or so i have my first memories of "likeing" white boys. every boy that i have had sex with so far has been white. i met this black guy once that i was attracted to. he wanted to fuck right away but i held back. he wasnt pushy. i let him go down on me. but his god issues kept me from experiencing him fully. black men are always hitting on me. well use to. im exhibiting some differnt energy nowadays. not as many men hit on me at all anymore. which im cool with. before i use to always tell them, 'sorry. i only fuck with white guys'. i mean, it was what it was and i didnt want to hide the fact that that was what was going on. got into many an arguments with black men. i have been called a traiter to my race before. first day of school when i transfered colleges i got into it with an boy who was half arab half black. i told him i only dated white boys. that did not sit well with him. wasnt the first time i was in an oral confrontation because i voiced my desire for white men only. the first kiss i had was with a black boy. first first kiss was when i was young. we use to hang out at this building that had the radio station our families would broadcast on. raggae music. spoken word. singing. i remember being on stage and playing house wrapped up inside one of the curtains. i was playing with this boy as my husband. he was "leaving for work" and wanted a kiss goodbye. i was like 7 or 8. 9 at the oldest. that was my first kiss. second was with a black boy. i was 12 or 13. my sisters boyfirends cousin. in the rain. very "sweet". found him kissing another girl the next day at the park. this i felt SHOULD bother me a ton. but it didnt. after that it was white boys only. its not like i made a switch. i remember writing ( i use to write a ton. none stop inmy journal. i needed to do it like breathing back in the day ) and finally just admitting to myself that i really did like white boys. i just did. fought with it a bit. my dad wasnt okay with it at first. and i was still a virgin. i remember he was taking me to the airport and we stopped at a gas station and while he was inside i changed the radio from raggae to some rock. listened while he was inside. then when he came back as he was getting into the car i changed it back. he got so pissed yelled at me it was 'fucking rock music' this ' fucking white music' that. i remember thinking, 'wow. how fucking ignorant' and u know what, that gave me fuel for my "fuck u i fuck with white boys" attitude. huh... so maybe the inner rebel in me likes the idea of being different and going against......that doesnt really seem like so though. i ran with the thought. but it doesnt fit. i think i just accepted this idea that white boys are something that black boys are not. i cant honestly point any stigmas i have towards black men. but there has to be something. some reason why i go for white men as a pre requisite..ok i know my desires are bullshit. personality based. self interesed. mind based. so maybe its just more bullshit. just another desire i need to let go of. stop the expectations. stop the requirements. stop the bullshit. and simply experience.

chaka

so i got chaka back in may. i had one dog inthe past named fluffy. i dont remember where i got her from. she was sprobably a stray i convinced my mother to let me keep. me and fluffy had some good times. i dont remember exavtly how old i was. but i wasnt ready for a dog. i was young. didnt have money to get her shots. but i wanted her. so my mother allowed me to do whatever with the dog. she would get out and i wouldnt be able to find her for a day or so. turns out the younger boys down the street were taking her in when she would get out. their father would find fluffy in his house often. one day fluffy and i were in the front yard and she was standing up on the flower bed. shed started dry heaving then throwing up then throwing up blood then she keeled over and died. i later found out she had parvo. this death didnt affect me that much. i still felt her presence around a bit. i felt that with the parvo, she kinda had to go. i dont remember being pissed i couldnt afford her shots. i kinda remember feeling like, 'hey shes like me. never had any vaccination shots either'. i was ok with taking that "risk" not getting my dog her shots. so then i got chaka. it was around the time where my ex and i were shitty and on our way out. i really wanted a dog. for a while. hadnt had one since fluffy when i was hella young. my ex didnt want me to get a dog. told me no i couldnt have one. when i decided, 'hey this is shitty anyway. we are about to be done because of the bullshit. i am getting a dog.' so i looked online. sites like craigslist. ended up finding chaka on oodle.com. i looked through tons of ads. i wanted a dog that was a smaller breed of dog. but really criteria was cutipie-ocity. i looked at some pictures and found one of chaka and her brother. she was only 8 weeks or so when i got her. i knew she was the one i was going to get when i saw the picture. she was advertised as a crestoxie. i had never heard of that breed of dog before so i looked it up. turns out it is a mix between dashunds (weiner dogs) and chinese cresteds (the usually win the 'ugliest dog in the world contest' every year). another breed we made up. when i contacted the woman turns out she was 2 hours or so away from me. i was definite with my ex about the dog. so definite that it wasnt so much of a fight when i told him i was going to get her. i packed up and left to go get her. it was farther than i thought it would be and i got lost. i was back in the sticks somewhere with no service and no clue where i was. i realised i was gonna have to stop and ask someone for directions or a phone. i drove and saw an older woman hoeing a garden across the street from a house. i pulled over telling her my phone wasnt working and i was lost. she sent me across the street where her daughter allowed me to use the phone. i called the woman that had chaka and she got me turned in the right direction. i was almost to where i needed to get chaka and there were some kids in a pick up in front of me. they tried to make a sudden turn to the left and i smashed right into them like a t bone. i was very surprised at the accident. when we crashed i stopped. looked at the driver of teh other car. the driver looked at me. then looked at his two teenage passengers. then quickly made a b line for the dirt road. i wasnt about to chase them down. so i went on my way. got to chaka. she was covered in shit from having to wait and being nervous. i didnt mind. we got on the road to go home and nearly made it there before the car conked out. the accident had fucked something up in it and in my trying to get home quickly without stopping to let the car rest, i overheated the car. boy was my ex pissed he had to come get me and his car and this dog that he didnt want. and really its not that he didnt want the dog. he just didnt want me to have the dog. he really is fond of dogs in general. but i got chaka. few weeks after that we broke up. chaka and i moved in with my brother and his girlfriend. they didnt/ dont mind chaka at all. they have two dogs. a doberman and a pitbull. both get along great with chaka. having chaka around has taught me so much. is teaching me so much. she really helps to manifest my impatientness and my anger. so i actually see it infront of me. there are times where i am being unreasonable and she will look at me like ' seriously stop it. ' we are getting out communication down. i am having some trouble though. i want to not be controlling over her or impose myself and my bullshit onto her. i dont want to treat her a certain way because its how the world thinks we should treat dogs. i want to let her live and express herself without stifiling her all the time like i see people do with their pets. its all ' be quiet!' ' sit down!' ' be nice!' ' time to eat now!' my brother and his girlfriend say i must be the master and her the slave or dog as they put it. i must teach her how to act and how to behave. i must teach her to respect me using the reward punishment method. they say thats how dogs learn everything. she learns to not potty in the house by getting in trouble when she does and getting praise when she goes outside. they say i must regulate her food because shes a dog. i, myself, dont like being forced to eat. i eat when i am hungry. thats it. i enjoy that about not being under a parental thumb in the when to eat aspect anymore. sometimes im hungry once a day. sometimes through out the day. it depends. so i dont like the whole ' u eat now when i say' thing. i wouldnt like that to be done to me. forced to eat. so i kinda let her eat when she wants. well actually its a battle going on cause i dont really know how to support chaka in her process fully at the moment. i want to let her be without so much dictatorship. i am trying to find the way to support her as she supports me. cause she really supports me a lot. my brother and his girlfriend. when they feed their dogs they, wait first off their dogs act like they never eat. i dont know what that is about. they eat twice a day. but always act like they are starving. they had them on a diet for a while because the vet said they were fat...but when they feed them they make them sit by their bowls and wait. then when the food is in the bowl they have to sit and wait for the green light go ahead. so they sit salavating until whoever is feeding them says okay go ahead. then they devour the food without even tasting it im sure. ibe been going out of town a lot lately so they do the same thing with chaka when i am gone. they say she eats all her food right then and there. mostly because if she doesnt the other dogs will eat her shit. then when i am around i feed her and i feel like i have to do the whole oopla with the 'sit. dont touch it til i say. master/slave' thing. but it never feels right. i wouldnt want it done to me. so i give chaka her food. i make her sit while im pouring it in her bowl. then i let her go if she wants to eat then thats fine. if she wants to eat it later thats fine too. i try not to care when she eats it. and its funny cause if i am hanging out downsstairs when its time for her to eat and i give her her food upstairs she waits til i come up sometimes to even eat. like she wants me to watch her eat. or she will come hang out downstairs and go up to eat when she wants. i think she knows the freedom of eating upstairs versus downstairs with the other dogs. she knows she can leave it and it still be there. i am trying to do what is best for her. my brother and his girlfriend says routine and order is a must have with dogs. i must regulate all about her they say. they say i should get her "fixed". i definitely dont want to do that. i wouldnt want it done to me. but apparently its a must. its funny how we are a nation of " ..and dont forget to spay and neuter ur pets" but we as humans do the same thing with ourselves. we say that because there are so many unwanted pets out there while many of us are still making more. many of them die from brutality or "humanely" cause we arent taking care of the ones we have. so why make more. i get that. we all get that seeing as we are a nation of it as a motto. but we dont see the same thing happening with us. there are so many unwanted children out there while many of us are still making more. many of those children die from brutality cause we dont take care of what is here. why havent we implament some kinda spay and neuter for the problem with unwanted children? we want to say it must me done to the pets while we disregard our place in it all. so yeah i really dont want to "fix" her. i wouldnt want to be fixed. the "problem" with our animal population isnt an animal problem at all. its a human problem. we are the ones making these dogs and crossing these breeds and accepting and allowing the desire for the small ones and puppies and attaching stigma to the older dogs perpetuating the problem cause we dont see that we are the solution. not to spay and neuter ur pets. lots to experience with chaka ahead.

changing my name

wierdness. so andrea hit me with the hi 'tree' (like i am not who i say i am and/or she is seeing this name for the first time) we are required to use our real names to participate on this forum. just wierd. i have known about desteni for a little over two years. just veiwing for a while then starting my process. it was andrea who got me out of a tough spot at one point early in my process. so i thought in email corresopndence i have talked about my name. i guess i am mistaking lol.. but why is it a big deal now? as far as the name being there so people are not able to hide behind them while putting out false words, i get that. which is why everything i do is under the name tree white. now my name is changed to terehas. which will serve as much contradiction because it is not my name. not my facebook name. not my blog name. not my birth name as far as the world is concerned. i dont wirte it anywhere. no one calls me that name. its been let go of in terms of when we found out that my name was legally terhas white. and so i adopted my childhood name tree. its just wierd. and im just so over people telling me what i have to go by and what my name is legally or non or what i am able to write on my papers. its been too many years of that bullshit and i dont see what the big opla is. if anything HAD to be changed it should be changed to terhas. i dont usually care about my name. but when others do, it brings me back to that, 'whats the big fucking deal?' place ive been at when dealing with this whole what is my name thing. if terehas is what they want it to say is my name, then fine. like i say, what is in a name anyway. but for purposes of disclosing who i really am, its wierd.