changing my name

wierdness. so andrea hit me with the hi 'tree' (like i am not who i say i am and/or she is seeing this name for the first time) we are required to use our real names to participate on this forum. just wierd. i have known about desteni for a little over two years. just veiwing for a while then starting my process. it was andrea who got me out of a tough spot at one point early in my process. so i thought in email corresopndence i have talked about my name. i guess i am mistaking lol.. but why is it a big deal now? as far as the name being there so people are not able to hide behind them while putting out false words, i get that. which is why everything i do is under the name tree white. now my name is changed to terehas. which will serve as much contradiction because it is not my name. not my facebook name. not my blog name. not my birth name as far as the world is concerned. i dont wirte it anywhere. no one calls me that name. its been let go of in terms of when we found out that my name was legally terhas white. and so i adopted my childhood name tree. its just wierd. and im just so over people telling me what i have to go by and what my name is legally or non or what i am able to write on my papers. its been too many years of that bullshit and i dont see what the big opla is. if anything HAD to be changed it should be changed to terhas. i dont usually care about my name. but when others do, it brings me back to that, 'whats the big fucking deal?' place ive been at when dealing with this whole what is my name thing. if terehas is what they want it to say is my name, then fine. like i say, what is in a name anyway. but for purposes of disclosing who i really am, its wierd.

just writing..

so i have no clue what it is i am going to write about. but writing is needed. so here it goes. no judgement. right now i am sitting in bed. its about 1015am. i have been waking up early lately. i slept in once recently. gave my systems ample time to recharge, ugh. my dog, chaka, has been supporting me. since i got her really. she shows me myself. where my anger hides. my dishonesty between words and actions. the triggers. but she gets up early. i stay with my brother and his girlfriend since i broke up with bobby. and they have two dogs. my brothers girlfriend wakes up early and feeds their dogs before she goes to work. chaka is conditioned to wake when she hears movement of them downstairs. shes wants to eat when the other dogs do. and go out to use the yard. so wether im "tired" or not she gets me up. i end up staying up pretty late most nights. i am working on no more than 7 hours of sleep each night. no more. sometimes less. sometimes my body is like, yeah im rested lets get up. so im trying to listen to my body. even when it tell me "im tired". i have come to rest in tired. as an excuse for not simply moving. getting out of that though. i recall a time when i would sleep all day. just sleep. i dont recall how that affected me though. it was a time ago that i would do that. so sleep is a point i am attempting to face right now. going well. i dont do the 21 days til things. it doesnt seem practical for me. i dont get what 21 days mean when im working on an existence of change. i guess its a starting point. i am also working on the point of masturbation. i fucking love that energy. its addicting. and its crazy because i do not like what i have to do to get to the energy. the viewing of pictures and porn movies. the type of porn i watch is well, its something. and i suppose standing within what i do in those moments will allow me to open up more dishonesty about relationships and secret mind shit. i dont like what i view,but i do. if that makes any sense. i like how it makes me feel. i like the energy in the act of feeling that good. but i dont like what i view. either that or i dont like that i like what i view. deeper deception. i have gone a while without masturbating. but i think thats where i fuck myself,no pun intended :). the resistance i am putting toward the act of masturbating. its not the fact THAT i masturbate, its HOW i masturbate. and i really dont know how to do it any other way. i dont have the self intimacy that i should. i learned how to give myself these "feel good feelings" through masturbation with pictures from HBO lol. sure did. HBO taught me how to masturbate. i watched a show when i was young. about ten or 11. and they showed a woman doing it with the water from a sink or bathtub. i knew people masturbated but i never knew how. so i saw this woman do it. and i tried it. and i was like a young boy who had just found his cock. i did it all the time. whenever i could. at least once a day but that was on a slow day. we didnt have a lock on our bathroom at my house so i was caught a couple of times. once by my brother (im so having resistance writing this lol but i see it as funny. the resistance. so i push through ) so yeah im on the sink right, legs in the air, vagina placed perfectly under the sink fauset lol and my brother walks in. he rused out quickly and i said something about washing something off myself lmao. yeah right! i convinced myself that my lie was sufficient and proceeded. at this point i hadnt seen porn yet. only the occasional freaky movie. so i used the water method. but not all places had good water pressure so that didnt suffice for long once i began to grow up. i think the first porn i actually saw was gay porn. yeah. a gay friend of mine from highschool knew i had never seen any and so he let me borrow one of his. it was "hot" enough. but i had to learn how to stimulate myself without water. so i learned that if i just sat on something where the pressure was on the right spot as i watched porn, then that would do it. so i did. so i never learned to put hand to vagina and stiimulate self accordingly. i learned to take an outside source and stimulate self visually and the physical would follow. ass backwards. so now, my hand and vagina are not intimate. they never allowed themselves to be. so i need to experiement with self intimacy. with just me myself and my hand lol. after 27 years of other shit it is difficult to even fathom. i dont "get myself off" with my own hand. i need visual stimulation or another person. and thats shitty. which is why i have this point with masturbation to address. like i said i havent been watching porn. whenever i feel the urge to watch porn to get that addictive energy im so use to participating in i go on the forum or on youtube and find people who are dealing with the same shit and it makes me "feel better". makes me calm down. its a quick fix. yet not a permanante one. ryan and his videos help me out of that spot often. he deals with this shit also. so i am not alone. last time i was there i found kevins video. he was talking about his 21 day process of stopping alcohol, cigs, weed, and picture masturbation. he "fell" on the point of masturbation, but having him there. knowing he is dealing with it helps me stand. quick fix though. i need to be able to stand alone and stable within myself. a point i am dealing with. i will begin experiementation when it comes to self intimacy.

stuffff

so i found out i am losing my job next friday. its such a janky ass job anyway. i cant find a job that i like doing. im trying to look for something that i can do that isnt so self compromising. when in actuality i'll end up doing the next thing placed available. gotta fucking work. i'll probably end up going to cincinnati bell. which is still doing sales. forcing or fanagling people into buying shit they dont really need and making them care about shit that dont matter in order to make them buy shit they dont need. which is the reason why i stopped going to school. i was tired of dealing with the ends and out bullshit of enducation and learning. i have a very different definition than the educational institutions. my marketing major kept reminding me of the bullshit of the world and all the manipulation there is down to the very core of who we are as a people. i had to stop my participation in this bullshit form of education. i decided if not having a degree makes me a "loser" or "uneducated" or a "failure", then i'll deal with those labels until they are demolished. its better than being a graduate to me.

the boyfriend and i had a fight last night. it hasnt gotten any easier, this relationship, but he did tell me that he actually read all my blogs and everything i ever placed on the forum. so that was cool. even though reading it and getting understanding from it are two different things. so an agreeance between us on things still isnt quite there. i find myself judging him a lot of the time. i need to make a point to stop when i see judgement and unequality attempting to direct me. its been a lot harder to "check" myself on all my bullshit since i have been working and submerged into this job. easier to face myself, but harder to check myself. but ultimately shit is only as "hard" as i allow or manifest it.

...its funny cause my uncle lee died from cancer a week or so ago and when i left the funeral i stopped and got food and headed home. by the time i got home i was getting a call from my bank, which i never do and have never since ive had the card. this guy was calling to tell me he happened to be glancing throught the files and saw that i overdrew my account at the food place. he offered to move a bit from my savings to my checking to cover the overage. i was like wow thanks i had no clue that it was over drawn. i was gonna hang up then something told me to ask what his name was. and he said, its lee. so i told him where i had just come from and he said well i guess i was meant to be glancing there at this moment for u. so i thought that was pretty cool. little adios from my uncle lee i suppose.

things

so i am working now. got a job at a call center. doing sales. swindling people into buying things that im sure i can point out a "benefit as it relates to the person", (thats what the pay me to say) but swindling all the same. its all for the sales. its all for the sales check. its all for the money. to assist and support self at the moment requires i have money. welcome to my way. things with the boyfriend are "getting better". i am trying to compromise more. really just compromising myself. i think. goddammit. being at this job is really taking me away from me.i feel kinda bombarded with the world. the slowing down of things is a lot more difficult now having to interact with people like i do. people fucking suck. i fucking suck. working where i do just allows me to again live how shicety and fucked the world is. working at any job is the same way for me...i am not being completely honest with myself lately. i am so confused about what honesty is anymore...and breathing isnt helping.

self forgiveness-picking myself

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pick myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as vanity.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to exist as life in every moment.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself based on the perseptions of others.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from others.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my self as "below" others because of my physical appearance.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to correlate what i see when i look in the mirror and success.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowiong myself to exist as beauty.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as ugly.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see picking as a solution to a problem.
i forgive msyelf for accepting and allowing myself to see the reflection in the mirror as a problem.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the reflection in the mirror as real.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see picking myself as fixing myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame because i have pimples.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ugly because i have pimples.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my face.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my face.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry about the way i look.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pick every sore or scab on my body.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breath and direct self in every moment.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be one within and as my physical body.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a slave to advertisments.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go to school for four years to learn how to make people feel sorry for themselves.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see me going to school as being successful when it was simply following suit.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop participation in the school system long before i did.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about going back to finish my marketing degree in order to please those around me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think the way to relate to those around me is to please them.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to relate to those around me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others as better than myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in separation from others.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others.

on the verge...

i hate myself right now. yeah. damn. i am existing as self hate..creating self love somewhere. supporting this shity polarity design. not standing up for self for all for life as oneness an equality. just had an impromptu convo with the boyfriend. he stirs up so much anger in me. its like here i am here i am, there i go and anger remains. whenever we talk its like his main goal is to prove me wrong. that is his only goal. picking at things. trying to break down this "new person" i am "becoming". finding new ways to ask the same questions that have already been answered. after talking of existing as fear and superiority and inferiority instead of life in its true form, m inus the fluff(the bullshit) he asks, how can i not exist as life if i am living. stupidity fucking pisses me off. i think that is why our conversations turn to arguments and i just have to walk away from it all. ( which is funny cause that is what must happen in its entirty for me to be practical about my process. i must walk away from it all.) i mean dont get me wrong, i am fucking stupid sometimes. hell, i pick my face. stupid. i exist in anger. also stupid. i dont stand as self as all as life in every moment. again, stupid. but its seems that i judge others more than i judge myself. i let the stupidity in myself be within and as me and attempt to transend the mind fuck of such stupidity. but the stupidity of others i have no tolerance for lol. its a mind fuck of separation from self really. cause he is me and i am him. he is bringing up something within myself i have not yet looked at. i told him he should go on the forum and ask questions. he says he does not want to talk to those people. and he does not want to join the group. i fucking hate it hate it hate it when people refer to deseteni as a group in which to belong or not belong to. serious. fucking stop it. desteni does not qualify as a group to me. a group to me is a body in which one can belong or not belong to. in the group or out of the gorup. that is not the case with desteni. that are people. people in a house. people in a house on a farm. people in a house on a farm in south africa. people in a house on a farm in south africa who are in process. plain and simple. they are people. thats it. not some religions in which to belong to. not some group in which to belong to. and for real for real my love, they dont want ur ass! they arent the army like, 'we want u!" no. sorry. ur not special. i asked him, do masons believe in god? he says no and that they actually dont speak of god or gods or BE LIE-fs. he says the only requirement is that u must believe that there is something out there. so i say oh okay. so u have to participate in the polarity design of the bullshit world in the sense of "superiority" and "inferiority". he is like no not at all. he says u just have to believe something out that. that they arent allowed to talk about the beliefs. im like so they just gotta make sure at the beginning of being a mason, that u have BE LIE-fs to begin with. he says basically u cannot be an atheist and a mason. so u cant NOT support the idea that there is something above u and u are below something. u have to support it. there has to be something out there greater than self to be a mason. he says no. and tried to reword it. i told him u can sprinkle sugar on shit, but its still shit. he asks, is the sugar not still sugar. i say no. its shit. when common sense in introduced to stupidity it is a train wreck. he asked have i shared my views with anyone else. im already angry at this point. at the blatent stupidity and unwillingness to see common sense. at the attack of common sense with stupidity as a weapon. i said yeah i have. he asks, and what do they say about it? i ask him what does it matter what they say? so u can continue to follow the majority instead of thinking for urself? what do u say? hes basically is having trouble REALizing that people are full of shit. life (as we have tainted it) is full of shit. then he takes it back to us. cause thats all that matters to him. he says he shows interest becasue it means so much to me. and i mean so much to him. and he loves me thats why he wants to "make this work" despite our differences and blach blah blah blah balha ablah blah. geez...i tell him this is why we will not work. the way we see life is too different. he is not supporting my process. and hes like why are u judging me? i asks what do u mean i am judging u? he says u r punishing me by saying we are gonna give up on us because of this. i tell him, baby, i am not punishing u. i am deciding not to participate in dishonesty and honor life. life not fears. life not god. life not worry. life not shame. life not superiority. life not dishonesty. life not love. life. oh im the crazy bitch tonight :)....

its crazy cause he will never leave me. no matter how "crazy" i sound and act and talk about life. his mindfuck of love its so strong within him. he never really got it growing up. never found it within his exs who were equally as fucked up as him. his mind fuck of aquiring things and achieving shit and succeeding in what the fuck ever has also attributed to this "i cant be without her love". now i have created the falsehood of a realtionship by following suit to being within one myself. i never had a relationship before him. what the fuck was i doing falling into one in the first place? lots of dishonesty within me regarding this realtionship. adding on more as i go on and on within the relationship...... if i left him right now, this moment, i would be ass out. so my relationship is my way of currently assisting and supporting myself. attributing to this "i cant be without his love/money". i need a new fucking way...

the conversation

sooo ive been thinking about what joseph commented on 'the pills' entry. about me talking to the boyfriend. asking him to go into an agreement. it was on my mind all day. we were laying in bed and i dont even know how we got on the topic of life. now the boyfriend, he is a ex catholic mason who doesnt know if there is a god or if there isnt one and doesnt believe one should go either way because of the chance chance chaaance he kept saying, that one may be wrong...geez.. he questions and questions but doesnt accept any answer. i start talking about my existance as anger. how i dont not wish to exist as anger so when i do its kind of crazy. he ask me why i say existing as anger and not being angry. i had to take a moment and breath. because when i speak to my boyfriend it is very difficult to be honest when i have existed as such dishonesty for so long. i get nervous and upset. so i breathed away the nerves and began to speak. it was all just coming out. i had to slow it down to make sure i was still as i was speaking. clear. talked of emotions and polarity and life in its true form minus the bullshit, equality and oneness as all with all. he said who will u be when this is done? after ur process? because he wants to know if that is someone he should be with. i told him that is something he is going to have to figure out himself. he knows where i am at and he sees me going and he is scared. he asked how i could say that i love him but then say i dont wish to exist as love. i explained the polarity of love creating its opposite, hate and stopping participation in both and i told him i am in process. he actually said that he thinks he is already there. that he doesnt separate himself from other people. i almost stopped breathing. ya right. i brought up the moment that he and i were at a bagel place in embrace and the workers where arab. they took our order then began speaking in another language. he says, out fucking loud, fucking arabs need to not be speaking that shit, something about this being america. so he said this to me,yet loud enough for them to hear by far. i release our embrace and am standing their in disgust. this wasnt the first time he had pulled some, i hate people that arent americans, bullshit. we argued about that one for a while after that. he said he is my man and i should always stand by him. he took me stopping the embrace as me not standing by him. and he was fucking correct. i told him i am not standing by him when he is being a jackass. i am not that and i will not stand for it. i cant participate in that shit. some things u just say til fucking here. no fucking futher. not enough things. but yeah, i brought up that point and do u know what he said to me? if anything he was existing as oneness by wanting them to act accordingly cause this is america and we speak english here.....what the fuck. bold faced separation. no responsibility taken. we went away from that one and spoke more about stopping. i told him i didnt have all the answers. i am also in process. (i am not in process he says. ...idk) i tell him there is somewhere he can go to read more material on this. because i do not have all the answers and i am not here to convince him. he was coming at me like he wanted me to know all. as if he were questioning god or some bullshit. when i told him i didnt know it all and did not want to convince him he says, then ur leaving me behind. fuck. i told him if his quesitons were actually about wanting to discover self as life and not about proving me wrong, then he wouldnt mind exploring himself and figuring it out for himself. he says he tried to go on the site but he says its all speaking in riddles and its pretty much a religion. (this isnt the first time we have spoken about this) before i even spoke of self forgiveness he says, okay. so i understand about getting to oneness and equality, but what do u do once u get there? with no desires or a desire to do anything. thats whats getting me, he says. i am dumb founded almost speechless i ask him so, let me get this straight, u understand why emotions and desires and fears and all that bullshit is fueling and manifesting the world around us due to our acceptance and participation in the bullshit AND u understand why one would want to stop all participation in them to bring life to its true form of oneness and equality....but ur worried about what ur gonna do when we get there? without ur desires? yes, he says. isnt that some sort of oyxmoron? u get it, but u dont get it, but u dont want to find out, u want to be told. just like wether or not he wants to be with me. he wont firgure that out. i told him i would leave if thats what he wanted me to do. he says that is not what he wants. but thats cause he is afraid to be without me. instead of deleting the fear he becomes it. his fear of being alone is fueling this relationship from his side. that and the sex. he thinks sex is make all break all. many a fights over sex with us two. but thats a whole other blog...

he is not honest because i am not honest. he is mirror me. showing me to myself. as i am him. i dont know if i should just stop this shit all together. let us go our processes. i think we are both so in love with our lie. its just not practical.